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A Little Horny

Ok, well I guess so sum everything up that this post is going to say, is that I’m a little horny right now, and really want Andrew to come back so satisfy things. I think the thing that’s really causing it is that we never really got a really good time to make love while he was here, another thing is that going from being able to do something pretty much whenever we wanted to, and being able to kiss/makeout every day, to nothing is really hard.

I think another thing that’s also adding to it, is that recently I’ve really been wanting to expand my list of people who I’ve made out with/done stuff with. I dunno what’s really brought this on, but everytime I hear of Andrew’s past experiences, of even think about them, it makes me mad. Not at him for having those, or doing them, but because I never really got the chance to do anything like that. And the last couple days with him being gone, and having people hit on me, it’s been like. I want to make out with you.

But the biggest thing that I wanted to write about, is how horrible I feel for even HAVING these feelings. I have a WONDERFUL boyfriend, who is so cute, and so wonderful. And just such a great guy that I feel so horrible about having feelings of wanting to make out with/do things with someone else.

We talked about it the other day, and Andrew says that he understands, and has said that it’d “be alright” if I made out with someone else. And that makes me feel really bad that he’d say that. I don’t really know why it makes me feel bad, well. I guess it does because in the first place, I should never have to talk to him about that. But secondly, I feel as though there may be other motives that he’s wanting here.

I feel as though him giving me “permission”, I would have to give him the same permission. Which would thus cause jealousy and so many other problems. Like on one level, I kinda want an open relationship, since we are so far apart and stuff. And this isn’t a new feeling, but even more so is that even if we DID have an open relationship, that would cause HUGE amounts of problems. And my moralness I wouldn’t be able to do stuff with anyone even if we did have an open relationship, because I would still feel like I would be cheating on him.

Another thing has been that I’ve been feeling really… I dunno… Just I’ve really wanted to top lately, and I think that’s one reason why I didn’t really let Andrew top me much when he was here. Because I REALLY want to do that again. And I’d like to make love to him and have that chance to give him those pleasures, but I totally understand why he doesn’t want to give that up yet, and it really makes me respect him a lot more. It makes it so much easier to “forget” all those random hook-ups he’s had because of the fact that he’s so adamant about keeping his virginity for that one person who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with.

But all at the same time, I also want to be able to do that. I guess it’s why I had really wanted to do a 3-some when he was here. But again, I didn’t because we had such a short time together, that I didn’t want the possiblity of any drama with that. Like there was with me and Adam when we did threesomes. So much drama there!

And also, I really enjoy them, so I think that who ever I do spend my life with will have to get used to them, and enjoy them just as I do. Because I think those are something that will be a part of my life for a while.

I guess in short, I want something that I can’t have, but I don’t really want it in the first place, and I feel bad about wanting something that I don’t really want.

So I hope that this isn’t really bad for anyone who reads it, and I hope you (Andrew) don’t take anything wrong. If you do, please call me! I love you so much, this is a just a memory dump…

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