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Week One… Down

Well, I was going to wait tell later this evening to write this update, but we got out of my last class an hour early, so I’m going to go ahead and write it now.

Week number one is over with. That’s right, one week ago tonight, I was saying goodbye to the boy that I loved. WE stood there on the Chapman University, in Orange California and held each other for the last time. We kissed each other goodbye for the last time, and we took the last picture of us together.

We stood there, and talked for about an hour while we waited for the cab to get there.

As the cab got there, we hugged on last time, and gave each other one last quick kiss. And with that, our relationship ended, and we were just friends.

Anyways, you all know that story of what happened.

But it’s been a week, and how am I doing?

Horrible… That’s how.

I go to bed every night and I cry because I want him to be back here. I want to lay with and hold him in my arms when I go to bed. I want to see his face again, and kiss his cheak.

I want it all to be over, college life, and everything. I don’t want to be sad.

I really hope that the next 18 weeks go by very fast. I can’t wait to see his face come walking down those stairs at the DSM airport. I really can’t.

What I really need right now is for someone to give a shit. I want someone to sit down and listen to my stories about our trip to NJ, and NY, and Orange. I want someone to sit with me and go through the pictures. And then when I start crying. I want someone to hold me, and to comfort me.

I want to feel his arms around me again, those comforting arms. Whenever he hugged me, I knew it was alright. I knew that I could cry about it, and that someone would be there to tell me that it’ll be alright. But now, I have no one.

No one wants to listen to my stories about our trip. No one wants to see the pictures.

When I got back to Work, everyone asked how my trip was. My responce was always the same… “It was good, but very emotionaly stressful.” Everyone just said, “Oh, that’s nice” and then walked off. I really wanted someone to say, “Oh, what do you mean.” So that I can tell them that I just left he most wonderfuly boyfriend in Orange, and now I’m scared. And I want him back.

Time To Move on…

I don’t realy feel like writing too many more of these. I feel as though I’ve written everything there is to say. I miss Andrew, and I miss him so much…. Now I’m just getting to be a crazy stalker.

Anyways, I wanted to say that I’d like to clear up by what I meant in the last private… I have no control over what he does out there, he can drink as much or as little as he wants. It’s his choice. I have even less control because we’re not dating any more. But none-the-less, I just want to ask that he drink in moderation. I want him to be safe, and I don’t want him hurt. That’s all. And I won’t get mad when he tells me about his getting drunk.

Another thing that I want to say is that I really hope that we stay in touch the next 4 months as we have this last week. Getting to talk to him nearly every day, for at least 30 minutes. It’s really good. I’m very happy when I talk to him, and it makes me feel so good to know that he’s not forgetting about us.

Though on the other hand, he’s moving on, at least it seems like it. And it’s sad. And I feel like shit for not moving on. I really need to, and I need to get going in my own life again. We’re over, and I need to get that sunk into my head. The last couple times that we’ve talked, I’ve tried to end it quickly and hang up before I get the urge to just scream out how much I miss him. I don’t think that’s something that needs to be said right now.

I have to move on… But I don’t want to.

A Night Out..

For someone else.

So yesterday at work was the LONGEST day ever. I really didn’t want to be there, because I knew that it was the first friday in forever that I didn’t have anyone to go out with. I just sat in my office on the verge of tears all day long. I was so sad.

Andrew called me right about 10:30, but I couldn’t talk long because I was on my way to a meeting. I really wanted to just sit in my office and talk to him about how things were going, and tell him how much I miss him.

But I couldn’t. I told him to call me back if he had a few minutes, but he never did call.

I left work about 5:30 and just went home and played video games for about an hour and a half. Then after that I came back to PC and just sat around all night long. Hoping that my phone would ring and someone would be there to talk to me.

It never did. Why am I such a loser. I hate my self for being like this. I can’t just go out on a limb and talk to new people, and I suck at meeting new freinds.

Andrew finally called early this morning and we talked all about his last couple days. Sounds like he’s having tons of fun and meeting TONS of new people. I’m happy for him, but at the same time really pissed at him too. I know it’s what he’s supposed to be doing and I can’t be mad at him for meeting new people. So I try not to be.

But then I hear that he’s going to a party where there’s going to be drinking and that just makes me so mad. I know I no longer have any control over him, we’re just friends now. But I want to bitch at him and tell him not to go. I don’t want to see him go do that, I don’t want to see him go and drink. I hate when people drink, and I don’t think that it’s good for you.

But most of all I’m mad at myself for feeling that way, and being mad at him for it. I just want him back here, and I want things to be the way that they were. I want him to be my boyfriend again, and I want to be able to hold him, and have him hold me when I’m down.

I’m scared that he’s going to change so much now that he’s out there, I’m scared that he’s going to drink to much, and that he’s going to change and not be my Drew Bear any more.

I’m so scared of losing him forever.

And now I’m sounding just like Adam. I have to stop this.

Meanwhile, I’m stuck here in Iowa with nothing.

As we were saying goodbye on the phone today, he said “I love you”.

This threw me a bit, becauuse well. I just wasn’t expecting that, and now I’m confused as to what’s going on. I know what our deal is. We’re just friends. But what the hell?

I’m out. Laters.

Visit From An Old Friend

(11:36:54) AcerSai: Hey are you there?
(11:36:59) pischkoa: Yes.
(11:37:12) AcerSai: OK well…
(11:38:16) AcerSai: First off, I wan to make sure you’re not pissed at me for talking to Ben…he made mendtion of your conversations…and I think he made light of me mentioning you liking him. It wasn’t tht big of a part of the conversation…he said he’d call you and clear the air.
(11:40:02) AcerSai: But secondly and more importantly I wanted to contact you just to let you know that I really have moved on from everything and I forgive you for everything that has happened. I wish you all the luck in the world for your future.
(11:41:10) AcerSai: At some point if you’re comfortable, I’d like to talk to you, even just to catch up a bit. I hve a few of your things I think you’d like back as well. But I just want you to kno the air is clear.
(11:41:22) pischkoa: First, I’m just fairly annoyed with you about telling, him about my feelings, that was not something that should have been reshared.

Secondly, I know that the air is clear.
(11:41:55) pischkoa: I would like my stuff back, I’ll be at JJ’s Saturday night, maybe. I’m supposed to meet up with Ben S.
(11:42:48) AcerSai: I understand you’re bing annoyed. It was one smal part of a fairly long conversation. I only said that you had wondered if he was gay. He said he knew you were. I was like, “You should have said something, I know he wanted to know if you were…I think he liked you for a bit. You could have been better friends…”
(11:43:22) AcerSai: He seemed intrigued by this and asked about it. He said something to the effect of, “Well had I not had a boyfriend at the time something could have heppened”
(11:44:07) AcerSai: Did he tell you exactly why he left camp?
(11:44:26) pischkoa: No, We only talked for a bit… As you can imagine, I’m a bit emotional right now and wasn’t int he mood to talk to him.
(11:44:36) AcerSai: Obviously.
(11:44:52) AcerSai: and I’m sorry to hear that. I hope all will be well for you.
(11:46:06) AcerSai: Well as I can imagine you’re probably not in much mood to talk to me either. I had planned to wiat a while, after school started and whatnot, to contact you. Give you some recovery time. But then the Ben thing popped up an i wanted to apoligise for that.
(11:46:50) AcerSai: So I’ll leave you to your work. I hope you know you can talk to me any time. I told Andrew the same thing.
(11:47:14) AcerSai: So, maybe I’ll see you Saturday night. bye
(11:47:22) pischkoa: Thanks, I’ll talk to you later.
(11:47:23) pischkoa: Bye.

4 Months Is Too Long

I really hope that the next 4 months go by as fast as the last 4 months have.

Lets start off with Monday night. After we got back to the hotel room we were laying in bed and Andrew said that he wanted to make love one more time before he left, since we didn’t get the chance to the other night. So we started making out and everything.

We did make love Monday night, and it was really good. I’m so glad that we shared those emotions and that we were able to do that. I’m so happy that he cared for me so much that we were able to make love, and so passionately, it wasn’t like, Oh, I just want to fuck you it was always, I want to make love to you

We spent a while making love, and it was really great, we did it on the balcony and a few other places in the hotel room. We ended up with him sitting on the back of the chair and me licking his balls, he came all over my face and my chest, it was very nice.

I really wanted him to cum inside me because A) I think that’s more special and B) it feels so much better, but he was wearing a condom, so it wouldn’t have made since. So I choose for him to do it that way.

After we were done making love we cleaned up and then laid in bed talking. He asked what my favorite memory is of our relationship. I couldn’t pick just one, there are so many times that I love, and so many great and wonderfull memories of our relationship, from the trip to Omaha and my G&G’s, to the day at the lake (his and mine, respecitvly). But there are so many other things that I love so much about our relationship. I love every instant we got to spend together, from the time at the mall long before we were dating, that wonderful Friday tradition, to coming to see him at Speech, to his graduation party.

From the trips to Minn, to the trips to Iowa City and then to Kansas City. I only wish we had been able to go to Chicago.

The day at the fair, and the day at Remein gardens.

I loved it all and I can’t pick just one favorite time,

After that I gave him the key to my apartment and the CD that I had made him. He seemed to be really touched by the key gift and I hope that he is. I really don’t like other people having access to my place, and like I said I never gave Adam a key because Inever trusted him enough, or cared for him enough.

With Adam the reason that I never gave him a key was because I never really saw a long future in our relationship and if/when we ever broke up I didn’t want him left with a key in his possession.

With Andrew though I feel comfortable giving him a key, not because he’s half way across the country but because I trust him to do the right thing with it. Because I believe that someday in the future there could be more of a relationship and I want to show him that by giving him a key. I really hope that when he comes back to Iowa he uses it. Because I want him to feel welcome in my home anytime.

After the cryfest that that caused we laid there together and just cuddled. Looking back on that night I really wish that we had talked more, about the history and the future of our relationship. Because I think I would feel better if we had. But as it is, we didn’t. We laid there together and cuddled for the last time, which is very nice too.

Tuesday was a very hard day for me from the time we got up, to the time we broke for the last time, I wanted just hold him and not let him go. I wanted to lay and cuddle with him on his bed and tell him how much he means to me. Tell him how much I really wanted to keep our relationship alive, then to let it die, and just be best friends.

I know it’s the right thing to do, but I really don’t want to do it. I just can’t. He means to much to me. I kept pushing to make a deal about the final cut off time, but he wouldn’t. I think I really needed the closure though. To know that yeah, it’s now over. We’re now just friends. Who happened to have had a wonderful four months of a great relationship.

I’m going to miss him so much, those big dark brown eyes looking at me in the morning’s when we spent the night together, those big lips that he puckered up when he was pouting, those wonderful full black eyebrows, and that sexy eyebrow ring, His jet black spiked hair, that wonderful Enfuego who let me make him cum, and that sexy Mr. Ass who never really did like me.

But most of all I’m going to miss what’s inside him, that wonderful personality that he has. The jokes that he makes, the crazy faces that he’s always wearing, to express how he’s feeling, that cute voice that he always makes when he wants to make a point, there’s just so much to him and so much that makes him who he is. He’s his own person and I love that so much about him. I’m going to miss that so much.

Who do I have now to go to the mall with, to hang out at my house and watch movies, to see on Wed nights to bring my week together.

Who do I have now to rid ein the car with and always listen to the Cranberries, a group that I got him stated on. Who do I have now,.

No one, and I’m so lost and alone now.

I have no one to hold me when I’m feeling down, and I have no one to tell me that things will be better. I have no one to wipe away the tears and no one to go shopping with to help me pick out clothes, I have no one to look forward to seeing on the weekends, and no one to make fun of all the white trash with. I have no one.

I only hope now that he remembers me and that when I get out of school I’ll be able to move out closer to him, because I want to be there. Not only because he’s there, but also because I want to be there. I love that area, and I want to make it my home.

I really hope that we can stay close, and that someday in the future we can be together again.