Category: Not Published

Well, Jay Finially replied to me….

Ugh…. 🙁 To be honest, I’ve always worried about living up to your expectations and not causing drama, but I knew that it was inevitable. I’ve been so slammed and so consumed in my own thoughts that I haven’t been a good person to anyone, aside from my family and to work. I’m just not social right now, and so when I didn’t call and you, naturally became upset, and I just naturally starting to want to be out of the current situation. I just didn’t have the energy or heart to call you back and have to have a dramatic conversation. I didn’t have the heart to say that I think being together would be extremely hard.

I hate that I did what I swore I wouldn’t do. Ultimately, logistically its just too hard for us to be together and to meet each other’s expectations. Its not that I don’t think we’re not good for each other, or that I don’t want to be in a relationship. Logistically, its difficult and I do not want to enter a situation that has a high possibility of being frustrating and dramatic.

I’m sorry that I can’t tell you this in person, as this is a terrible way to talk, but its the path of least resistance and drama.

I’m sorry.

– Jay

What the fuck does that even really mean?! It reallly confused me… What are my expectations that he can’t live up to? Perhaps it’s all just a line…But I replied to him:

Lets be honest here.. It would have been easier if you had used one of the asinine excuses most boys use when breaking things off with me. “It’s not you it’s me”…”I’m not ready yet”. But your clearly well thought out and hopefully heartfelt message brings to me more questions, and only adds to the hurt of what’s transpired. I’d like to assume it is heartfelt and not just that you’re a master of the game.

You say that you feel you can’t live up to my expectations, I’m not quite sure what this means. What expectations are you not capable of living up to? I don’t expect a lot, except for honesty, truth and doing as you say you will. I’m also not sure what you mean by not causing drama, do you feel that I’m a drama filled person?

I’m sorry to hear that things in your life are not going well, I honestly do wish that you had spoken to me about these issues. I still would like to hear how things went with your parents, and would like to understand why you are being so hard on yourself with these things. You have shown yourself to be a great person and it seems you have a great future for yourself.

I did become upset when you didn’t call. I had been looking forward to it all day, I only wish that you’d have let me know what was going on sooner. It also really hurt that you did what you swore you wouldn’t.

I shall miss your friendship, and only wish that things could have turned out much better. I wish that you’d have given me a chance to show you what I hold. My heart is huge and I only seek to share that with people who I enjoy being around and with. I enjoyed our time together, and hope that you did to.

If you ever feel a want for my friendship, you are more then welcome to contact me. Although the last week has proven bad for your character, I feel at heart you are a good person. I’d like to have that around.

Good luck on your endeavors.

Pennauweleman,

Cj

One of my friends said that I.. “slammed [the door] and said if you come back the key will fit“. lol. I dunno. He hasn’t replied to that yet, I figure since it’s the weekend he’s not reading his e-mail. Since I only have his work address. Whatever. I’m still sad.

Sooo. Still nothing from Jay. I sent him the following email last night.

Jay,

Well it’s been three days now since I’ve heard from you. I’ve called and left messages, and no response. I can only assume this means you want nothing to do with me.

I have to ask one question… Why?

You said to me: “dont worry about me ever not calling you back. i respect you too much for that”. What happened? Why have you suddenly stopped talking to me. I only ask that you have the balls to explain.

I was realy enjoying hanging out with you, and hoping that if something more didn’t become of it that we could at least be friends. I guess that’s not an option now based on your actions. This turn of events has hurt me, again, I only ask why you’ve done this and chosen to stop talking to me.

Please respond in some way.

I haven’t heard from him. I saw him on myspace/aim/a4a… So at least I know he’s alive. Stupid Fucker.

Last night Carlito came over. We got plastered and fucked. It was fun. He’s good in bed, he hits that spot that makes me scream. I hope the neighbors didn’t hear…

I’ve got zero plans for the weekend.. :'(

So, I’m assuming it’s done with Jay. He sent me a txt message late Monday night. Said “I’ll call you tomorrow”.

So all day Tuesday I wait, and wait.  Everytime my phone rang, my heart jumped hoping it was him. Nothing.

He was online off and on from about 5:30 till 9 when I went to bed. Usually for like 45 minutes at a time. I never IMed him, he never IMed me. What happened to practive at 6 every tuesday?

I sent him a txt at 9. “Good night, hope your day was great”. No reply… I sent him a txt at 3:30 this morning, “So, how come you never called like you said you would.”

Ugh. WHY!?

Why is it that the ONE thing I want so badly is so fucking hard to obtain!! I could do with out the HUGE salary, the great place to live. I just want this one fucking thing. I want someone to share my life with!

Any why do boys lie so fucking much. Friday Jay was all. “I’m so into you, and you’re so great” blah blah blah. Saturday it was, well you know…

Then it’s nothing. The thing that gets me the most is “dont worry about me ever not calling you back. i respect you too much for that”

Umm. Where’s that respect again?

Maybe he’s got a great reason… Probably not.