Category: My Life

His Return

Constantine arrives at LAX in 5 hours. My stomach has been going crazy all day with butterflies. I am very nervous for his return. How will I feel! How will he feel? I’m going crazy!

I have lots of stuff planned for the weekend, so I really hope that things go well.

I’m pretty sure they will, but you never know.

Work has been crazy busy the last two days and I have been keeping myself VERY busy at home.

Constantine introduced me to this wine called Fetzer Gewurztraminer. I highly suggest it. It’s delicious!

California Poppy Reserve

What a busy busy weekend…

Lets see, Friday I wasn’t feeling good at work, so I headed home at noon and took a nap. That evening I went out to a play called Regretrosexual with Jess. It was a really funny play about a guy who had a 2-year gay experience. He’s dating this girl and who’s past fiance turned out to be gay. So he’s trying to tell her about her gay experiences and past. We laughed a lot and it was at this tiny theater which was fun. After that we headed out to WeHo. First stopped at Fiesta Cantina. Had a drink there and chatted for a while and then headed to a place called Trunks, I had never been there, but it was interesting. From there we headed to The Abbey. Tal met up with us there and we all hung out for a while. Eventually Tal and I headed back to his place and I crashed on his couch. I was very tired, but could not sleep.

Saturday morning we got up early and headed out for a bike ride. Ended up doing the 35 mile ride which was lots of fun. The group was very odd considering the normal group that I used to ride with. They weren’t as considerate as I’m used to. Either way we had a great ride and were done by 11 so I headed home, showered and napped some.

Saturday night I headed up to Santa Monica and went shopping at 3rd Street. I bought three new shirts which were needed because my wardrobe has been a little boring lately. From there I headed over to a restaurant called Hidden. My conclusion, it should STAY hidden. I was very unhappy with the food. We got a $25 cheese plate that was TINY. I got a $23 salad that was TINY, the other people got Kobe Beed tacos, etc that were all TINY. And considering we spent nearly $40 a person and all left still HUNGRY! How does that happen. The atmosphere was great though, I would suggest going there for drinks (DURING happy hour) and then going somewhere else for appetizers and dinner. One plus was that we saw Dylan McDermott there.

From there we headed to The Other Room in Venice which was lots of fun. I’ve never really explored Venice that much, even though it is supposed to be a great town. This place was great, and I suggest people check out the beers there. I had a really fun night with these guys though. One of them does basically the same thing as me at Cedars Sinai so it was a lot of fun to talk to him about that stuff. For once I could tell someone what I did and they actually UNDERSTOOD! Hahah.

Sunday morning I got up early and headed up to Canyon Country to meet up with Jerry and gang. We headed out to Vasquez Rocks for some quick rock climbing before heading out to the Poppy Reserve. It was absolutely amazing and beautiful out there.

You can check out the other photos of the Poppy’s on the photodump.

Got home about 5:30 Sunday night and tried doing a Skype call with Const, but for some reason it said that there was not enough bandwidth! How annoying. He comes back this weekend and I am planning lots of stuff to do. Hopefully it all goes excellent.

Just a few random words.
1) 3 years ago I upgraded to WordPress 1.5, this past weekend I upgraded to WordPress 2.5. I have to say I am not very happy with it right now. The new Admin interface is very strange, and they took out a lot of small features.
2) Absolute Vodka recently did an add in which they depicted the SouthWest US as part of Mexico. I thought it was funny. But apparently there was a huge uproar and talk of boycotts. Really? get over it people!
3) This set of Satellite images makes me very sad. 1, 2, 3. It’s the before, during and after of Jordan Creek town center in Iowa. Very sad to see that. 🙁

That’s about it! Adios!

See your Relationship…

I feel like my relationship is crumbling under my feet. Sinking faster then I can bail the water out. My heart has been in pain for the last week. I keep trying to put on a happy face at work and go about my day, but I can’t and work just is not getting done. I sit here and try and think of things I can do to turn this around.

In short, he and I got in a huge fight this past weekend. 4 hours on the phone over 2 days, we came very close to breaking up. Words from him were. “I love you, I’m not in love with you” among others. I blame us both, one for not saying we loved each other sooner and failing to communicate, me for being a crazy and jealous, and the world for separating us at such a critical time. We’re coming up on that one year, it’s critical. The spark is dimming and we must do everything we can to keep it burning, but now we are 1,600 miles apart and we do not see each other, or hang out to keep that spark going.

This week has been torture. We talk and I’m happy, we don’t talk I am sad. I’ve been sending him txts every morning to say good morning and “I love you”. The first two days he replied right away, yesterday he emailed a few hours later. Today, nothing. I sent him a huge letter on Tuesday morning about how I thought we could change things and make them better. I’ve already made huge changes to try and make things better between us, but he has not had time to even think about it…

It makes me wonder if he really does want to try, or if he’s just saying that to try and save my feelings. I’d rather he not try and save my feelings and just tell me what he really wants to do. Last night we quickly talked about his visit next week. He wants to spend one of the 2 nights he’s here sleeping at his parents house. I understand wanting to see your parents and I’ve been thinking about it all week and was planning on dropping him off at his house around 2 on Saturday and then going to pick him up around 10. So that we could spend as much time together as possible. So that we could sleep in the same bed and cuddle and talk. But he doesn’t want that.

I tell him now every night that I love him. Something I should have been saying since Oct when I realized it. Instead, I listened to my “friends” who said it would scare him off, it’s to early… I waited till Feb, told him once, and then never brought it up again. Mostly because he never responded to it, and he’s still not responding. He says he used to love me, but he never said it, never expressed it. Now though, every time I tell him, it breaks my heart to not hear it back. Do I keep saying it? Do I just let it go. I don’t know.

I want to plan a huge romantic evening for him when he gets back… But I don’t know if I should if he’s not really willing to try and get the spark back. I’m fairly certain he’s stopped reading the blog as well. It used to be that if I wrote something here, and then didn’t tell him, he’d bring it up. But he hasn’t been doing that in a couple weeks. If history has taught me anything, that’s a signal.

You should see a relationship as a “WE” not as a “HE” and an “I”.

I see ours as WE, I’ve taken a TON of shit for that, but I feel he sees it as “HE” and “I”. :'(

Call Me by Your Name – Andre Aciman

Get ready to cry… and if you’re gay, to be horny! Constantine and I just finished reading our first book together, Call Me by Your Name – Andre Aciman. This book is just a moving piece of reading. As you read it you’re there for all the action and sadness. You’re transported to the Italian shores and spend the summer relaxing on the beach, sunning by the pool and playing tennis. Taking bike rides to the small local town “B.” and experiencing that first love all over again.

Later

Call Me by Your Name - Andre AcimanThe book is about two guys, Elio a 17 year old living at his parents Italian Mediterranean home, he’s very intelligent, well read, and sensitive son of a professor. Elio finds himself attracted to this years American summer scholar, Oliver, 24 is visiting the family for the summer to work on his book.

And we’ll want to call it envy, because to call it regret would break our hearts.

The young men spend the summer by the pool, reading books, swimming and jogging in the morning, and flirting.

I’m at a loss of words to explain my feelings for this book. They bring back so many things for me about past relationships, about this relationship. It’s a must read for anyone. It’s not only a gay love story, but a love story about transformations that love brings and those transformations happen, straight or gay.

“parce que c’était lui, parce que c’était moi.”

American Gardens Suck

This weekend. I have decided that American Garden suck. They are just a hodge podge of mixed in plants and it alwasy just feels like most of the stuff is just an after thought. I went to Descanso Gardens this weekend and although it was nice. I really like European gardens much better.

Anyways, Overall this weekend has been very stressful. Const and I got in a huge fight on Thursday, we didn’t talk again till Friday afternoon and I felt like shit at work. I didn’t sleep and what not, so I just left work early and came home and was sad overall. Friday night I went to dinner with Sirin and her sister which was nice. Went to Green Temple again.

Saturday I freaked out again about Constantine going out. My fault completely because I’m crazy and this whole long distance thing sucks. I hate hate hate it. Miss him so much. I wrote him a big email which I feel like a fool now for sending to him. I also got in a big argument with Jason and ended up going to Erick’s house to chat and drink away the sadness. lol

Sunday I went rock climbing again which was tons of fun, well it was fun AFTER Const called me and we talked and got a lot of issues taken care of. I hope that he understands why I am so crazy about this stuff now and that hopefully he’ll be a little more understanding and responsive.

Rock climbing I did so much better at this weekend because I wasn’t as tired as last and I bought climbing shoes! I did an amazing job this weekend. There were some little kids with use as well and they are just crazy. One thing was that everyone kept telling me how amazing Const is at climbing. I can’t wait to get out there with him now and see what’s up. They also kept talking about other things he’s done and I feel like there’s so much more to him that I’m missing, and it makes me sad that I missed a lot of this past parts of his life. It also makes me really sad that I am missing out on this part of his life in Houston. Although he tells me about it, it’s not the same as being there to share in it. Again, another reason I hate long distance.

I can’t wait to see him on the 11th. I told him today, this is the closest I’ve let someone get to me since Andrew, and I feel very vulnerable right now with it all.

Anyways. That’s about it.

Photos are here.