Author: Cj B

Aug 27, 2001

Aug 27, [REM, "Drive"]

Well, it’s the first day of school for me, and another spot of depression

is starting to hit pretty hard. I miss not being around to go out with people.

I miss it so badly. I don’t see how PU’s can get into the routine of everyday

suburban life. I just could never do it. I’m not the most social person

in the world, but I still like going out, I like knowing that there’s always

someone I can call and say "Hey, lets go do such and such." But

right now I can’t do that because well, I don’t know anyone around campus.

Last night I didn’t sleep at all. I went to bed about 9:30 or so, and tried

to sleep, but I just couldn’t. I know things will get better, but right

now, things aren’t going good at all.

My first class of the new school year was cancelled, I don’t know if that’s

a good sign or a bad one, but whatever. I went to the Armory and got my

van registered and moved into a parking lot that I can park in. That took

me almost an hour and a half. Then after that I went and hung out infront

of Curtiss hall and watched the hot guys go by, and were there ever a ton

of them.

Vero and I went to Soc 134 together, we went in and sat down, and we were

talking about how we didn’t know anyone in the auditorium and then the person

in front of us turns around and says, "Hey I know you." It was

Jen Parsons (sp?) that was amusing, we also saw Nick Harris in there too,

he sat like a row down from us, so we didn’t talk to him, but he’s there.

The Prof for that class seems to be an ass, so I don’t know how the year

will go for that. We’ll see.

I want to see people, mostly Adam and Angie, but other people as well.

I’m having withdrawls from the group. Angie called last night, that was

cool to talk to her. We talked a bit about various things and other such

stuff. It was good to hear her voice again. I can’t wait tell Friday, it’s

a three day weekend. 🙂

Aug 26, 2001 #2

Aug 26, #2 [Steve Miller, "Wild Mountian Honey"]

I’m so depressed right now, and I so don’t want to be here at all. I talked

to Adam today which was good, but he had some great stories to tell. I wish

I could have heard them from him rather then read them from him. But you

know what I mean. This evening Julian, Vero, and some other random person

that Vero worked with came and we all went out to supper to some Chinese

resuarant place. It was good, then we went and walked around. I got a damn

fucking bad headache now and I feel sick. I don’t want to be here at all.

Here I go again, I promised myself I wouldn’t think of you

today

It’s been seven months and counting

You’ve moved on

I still feel exactly the same

It’s just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name

Like photographs and memories of love

Steel and granite reminders

The city calls your name and I can’t move on

-Savage Garden, "The Lover After Me"

Aug 26, 2001

Aug 26, [Garbage, "Crush"]

So the last couple days have been emotional crazies. Yesterday Adam, Mandy

and I went over to Angie’s house to see her off. Well, her plane was delayed

about an hour, so we hung around there for a while, and we wanted to talk

to her personally, but we didn’t get a chance to cause Angie’s mom was being

a bitch. Well, we went to the airport and we hung out, everyone was being

really well composed there. We found out that Angie’s plane had been delayed

another hour or so. Well it finally landed about 2 or so, and we got everything

loaded, and all that and Angie was on the plane. We had all said our goodbyes

and stuff. Adam gave Angie his necklace, I’m sure meant alot to her, it

was very sweet of him to do that. Well it wasn’t until the engines were

started that people started to break down and cry. I wanted to just let

the tears gush, but I didn’t I held them back. Adam was crying really badly,

and I knew what he was going though. I wish Angie’s PU’s hadn’t been there

cause well then I could have hugged him and such. I know that when I’m in

a mood like that I like to just have someone there that will hug me or hold

me. But I didn’t I hugged him a couple times that was nice, it made me feel

better. After her plane was moving we left and Mandy took us back to Angie’s

house so we could get Adam’s car. From there we went back to Adam’s house

and hung out and cleaned his room.

After we were done with his room we went back to my house and I packed

some. We talked alot there about coming out and how people percieve bi-sexuality.

It was a nice talk. After we were done there we went ovet to me Aunts house

and met my grandma and we hung out there for a while and talked. We left

there and went back to PC on the way there Julian called and wanted to hang

out, so he came over to my house. When he got there we went to Best Buy

to get him a modem that worked with Linux. That was fun times. After we

went to Best Buy we went over to Comp USA. There was this song that made

Adam think of Angie and he started getting sad, this was in the check out

line. Well I gave Adam a hug and the lady at the desk said "Ahhh, isn’t

that sweet." Then Adam felt the need to give the lady a hug and the

guy standing next to her, that was amusing.

After that we went back to PC to get Mandy. We got Mandy and went to her

house, her dad was home, that was just odd, he felt the need to show us

his bullets. Hmmmm. We left quickly. We went to Ames after that. That was

amusing, we all talked about random things and other such stuff. It was

mostly good times.

Today I moved, it sucked. Grrr fucking PU’s. I won’t go into that though,

maybe later.

This is why I do daily updates, cause I have to much to post if I do more

then one day in an update. I know I’m fogetting alot of the things that

happened to me in the last 48 hours. Maybe I’ll add another update later.

Aug 24, 2001

Aug 24, [Me First And The Gimme Gimmes, "I Would Walk 500 Miles"]

So tonight has just really fucking sucked. I went over to Adam’s and we

did the whole hair cut thing and then we went out to supper and we had fun.

About 7 we went over to Angie’s. It was me, Adam, Xak, and Angie. We were

all going to go downstairs and watch a movie, talk and that such stuff and

get things out that needed to be said before she left so that we would all

leave on a good note. Well her PU’s decided that they wanted to watch it

with us, so we all had to stay upstairs and watch it, which meant no talking

about things, no cuddling, no nothing. It sucked ass. Then as soon as the

movie was done, Angie’s mom thought that Angie needed to go to bed so that

she’d be ready to go in the morning. So we pretty much got kicked out of

there at 10. That really sucked cause we didn’t get a chance to say goodbye

like we all wanted too, we didn’t get the chance to talk after the movie,

nothing. I *_HATE_* Angie’s mom. Grrr. So we were saying bye at the door,

and Angie and I were hugging and I just starting crying, I couldn’t hold

them back any longer. I’d been holding them back for a while now, but I

just couldn’t hold them anymore.

Adam and I then left to go to downtown, well we stopped into Hy-Vee first

and Kenny G talked to Adam about something, apparently Kenny found Adam’s

website, which isn’t good. But whatever. We were there for a while and talked

to random people. Then we left and were going downtown, well tonight’s been

one of those foggy hazy type nights and you can’t see the top of 801 Grand,

all you could see was the light blinking in the coulds. Well Adam pointed

that out and that brought a story to my mind about one of my Great Grandma’s

and how when she was in the hospital along time ago when they were building

that, and one night I was in her room and it was like it is tonight and

she pointed it out and said, "Look, that’s the Angels coming to get

me." I couldn’t even get the whole story out before I broke into a

full bawling. I was like, omg what’s happened to me, I don’t cry. I don’t

let people see my cry. But I just couldn’t hold it back anymore, I just

couldn’t. Tonight’s sucked

We went to Java Joe’s. I met that Ryan guy and I got a hug, that was nice.

We also talked to some Ben guy. He’s damn hot. But apparently Str8. I say

other wise. Adam, Tara, and I walked around downtown for a while and talked.

I felt better which is good. Hopefully tomorrow won’t be as bad, but I know

it will be. I’m going to go do some more packing now cause well, I think

I’m going to move up tomorrow (errr, today now) but I’m not sure yet.

Aug 23, 2001 #2

Aug 23, #2, [No Doubt, "I’m Just A Girl"]

There’s so much to do and so little time to do it all in. I’ve started

packing shit, but it’s hard to get it packed when I still need it all. So

I have most of it arranged to be packed. I’m thinking we’ll move up either

Saturday evening or Sunday afternoon. I’d rather do it Saturday, but at

the same time I want to spend as much time as I can with Adam. It’s getting

down to the wire, and right now I’m really starting to stress about things.

Grrr. I talked to my dad today about transportation cause well, the nearest

Cyride stop to Krell is like a mile away, so I talked to him about me borrowing

th van tell my car gets fixed (which should be about a week if all goes

well and they call me today with good news, but if it’s bad news it’ll be

a lot longer) he pretty much just laughed at me. I probably won’t get to

take the van, which is a problem since I’m supposed to start work at Krell

on Tuesday. I dunno. It’s funky. Here’s

my schedule for this year so far, I’ll update it when I get more information

about things, but that’s what it’s like so far. I’m just stressed as hell.

I can’t wait tell 3 to go over to Adam’s. I’m really looking forward to

seeing him today cause when I’m with him, all my problems just go away.

But tonight’s going to be really sad. I’m not lookng forward to later tonight

at Angie’s. We’ll see how things go.