Author: Andy McGee

The End

So it’s over. Chris is back in Iowa, and I’m sitting here in my dorm at Chapman, all alone. Saying goodbye last night was uber tough. I don’t even know what to write about anymore….

I feel like I’ve alread written it all.

We both got fairly hysterical saying goodbye. Lots of crying and stuff…. I really didn’t want him to go, I was so afraid to lose him and also to be alone in this big scary place. We stopped crying and just talked and then both got really annoyed w/ the stupid taxi bullshit. Listening to the CD he made me, I started crying in my bed. I had to control myself b/c my roommate was on his bed reading… but I really wanted to just let it all out. I don’t know when I will be able to….. I’m alwasy afraid someone will see me. I need to make a little gay friend who won’t mind if I come to them and cry hysterically.

I talked to him tonight for like a 1/2 hour. Told him about my day and we talked about random stuff, our days etc…. still calling each other honey and baby like its not over. That’s the worst part.. I don’t FEEL like it’s overa. I really don’t. It just feels like he isn’t around and won’t be for awhile. I’m sure when/if the realization sets in that we really are not together, I will go through a really tough period.

I kinda need to stop, I’m getting a bit emotional…. I don’t know if I’ll go to that karaoke thing tonight or not…. I’m not feeling very social..
Where’s my Christopher?
*sigh*
Goodbye

Ok, well I don?t have TOO too much to privately update about, but I promised Chris one, so here goes.

The past few days have been upsetting, sad, and happy all at once. I was very upset w/ the fights that we kept having. I really didn?t think they were necessary in most cases. And it just made me sad that we had to fight right before we were leaving. We went 3 months with no fights, and then suddenly we are fighting seemingly non stop. I know it wasn?t really non stop , but I was really stressed and it felt that way. However, I am glad that we have figured everything out and we are no longer fighting and everything is good between us. I think it was just the stressfullness on both of our parts, and then any little thing would set us off and then we?d fight. But it?s ok now.

Last night was really hard for me. We were laying together in bed, and I was telling Chris how scared I was to do all my orientation stuff. Eventually he started crying, and it broke my heart. Because he started really crying, and letting it all out. I just held him and told him everything would be ok and that I was here to hold him. I didn?t know what to do, I felt so helpless right then, I just wanted to make everything better for him. I started crying too. I?m halfway crying now. This is emotionally harder than I thought it would be. Last night was proof of that. I?ve never seen someone cry so hard for me. It makes me realize how lucky I am. I doubt a guy will ever cry like that for me again.

I don?t want to go, I just want to stay in Iowa, all this change is too much for me. I?m scared, I?m upset, I?m sad all the time, I don?t know what I?m gonna do in Cali. Hopefully I?m just getting lots of pre school jitters and everything will be fine. But it might not be.

Anyways?. Today was a really good day with Chris. There was lots of stress in the beginning with the post office and stuff, but then the plane ride was so fun. I thought we were just the 2 cutest little gay boys in the world, sitting on that plane, laughing and holding hands, tickling, and talking. We looked at Sky Mall and talked, and just generally had a great time. Eventually he left me ?go to sleep? but I really didn?t, I kept opening my eyes and just talking to him more. We laughed and had such a good time, and took cute pics of ourselves. Very cute.

I am gonna miss my Topher insanely after next week. It seems so weird that in a week I will be in California, away from everybody that I know. It?s very hard to think about. In between all my wanting to be sad and crying, I will have to be *extra* happy and cheerful so that I make friends. I just want to skip all of orientation and sit in my room and cry. Maybe I will.

Especially having to say good bye to Chris on Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning. I don?t want to, but I feel it will make the goodbye easier. Well??. Nothing could really make that goodbye easier. It is very hard to say goodbye to someone who makes me feel the way he does, and to someone who really loves me, and to someone who thinks I?m sexy and sweet and smart. What if I never find that again? What if I don?t want to?

I feel weird being here, more on that later maybe. I just feel so ?? well it?s almost ashamed ? of everything. I just want to go to Cali and start my new life, away from my family?.. But I wish it was with my Topher.

EVENTFUL EVENTFUL!!!!

So yeah this weekend has been indeed, very eventful.

I will probably write most of what happened in the public one. But there are a few thigns I want to touch on here.

Ok so Thursday night. I was kinda surprised that Chris actually drank. But I knew he wanted to get drunk. He was so funny, and I’m glad he had a good tiem. Though I guess he was a bit upset by underage drinking which was everyone else except him. But he said it wasn’t too big of ad eal so I just kinda dropped it. Anyways, I was kinda drunk and apparently UBER horny. I was talking really dirty to Chris, and I think he liked that too. He alluded to it later, so . yeah. Anyways, I kept saying how much I wanted to have sex and blah blah blah Im sure I made no sense and just sounded stupid. Anyways I finally convinced him to. So we were trying with just wetness and that didn’t really work so he went and got some lotion from the bathroom. Lubed it up and things went swell.

He was on top and then we did it doggy style which I thought was really hot, plus it was hot to begin with since it was so scandalous. Eventually I had to cum and I just came inside him and it felt really good and I hope it did for him too. So that was that. Then I jacked him off and he came and then we went to bed. Woke up like an hour later and Jaime was up and getting ready. So eventually we rolled outta bed and that was all good. The rest will be on public.

Let’s see what’s next for privateness….? Well the next morning we were at his apt. and started messing around again. My sis said she would be there in 10 minutes so for some reason we thought it would be a smart idea to try and squeeze in a quickie. So yeah, we did. But then she called so we just decided to jack it real quick, so we did and both came in like 2 minutes. Very hot and scandalous. but fun as well. Next up on privates…..

We had a fight Friday night. I would callt aht our first real fight. He was mad b/c I was a bitch in the car and then happy when we got to bowling so he thought it was something he did and got all upset. We kinda yelled at each other on the way home and that was sad b/c I didn’t like fighting with him. But it wasn’t really a big deal every couple has their fights. That night, when we got back to my house, something just snapped in me and I just started crying and I could’t really control myself. So we layed in bed and Chris held me and comforted me and I just sobbed. Yeah, I really don’t know why. I was just stressed and then with us fighting and stuff it was too much for me. But I’m ok now!

I guess the next thing to private update about is tonight. We had a really good day (ended up making love again) and we were laying in bed and somehow it came up that it would be the last time that I would be in Ames.

Brian Kinney 86: u have any naked ones
Auto response from SqUaLL0112: Packing up my room.. *sniff sniff*….
Brian Kinney 86: or a webcam
SqUaLL0112: no, i have a boyfriend
SqUaLL0112: im not sure hed want me webcamming with another guy
Brian Kinney 86: shhh
SqUaLL0112: whats that mean?
Brian Kinney 86: dont tell him
SqUaLL0112: well considering i really care about him, and hes a really great guy, my vote is no

Sorry that was random, but what a fuckface! Don’t tell him my ass! Why are some people so stupid.

Anyways, so the me being last night in Ames thing really upset Chris and he started crying. So I held him and said everything would be alright. I was trying to put him in a better mood, and I think I did, at least partially by talking about how if he was fat, he’d just have to jiggle his belly and I’d fly off and other crazyness. I hope it at least made him smile. Anyways, of course my tears were coming a little bit. I thought about abandoning myself and just letting loose, but I kept it inside. However, now I do feel like crying. We also decided that we are gonna have “the talk” on Wednesday about what’s gonna happen. I just want to have it before we go to NJ/CA. It would be better that way.

Anyways, lots more kisses and talking and a litle more crying and we ended up at the door. I forget how it came up, but Chris said that he took down the pics of me b/c it was too much for him to see. So I told him that the reason the the pics were even up was to remember the happy times, and not the sad. And then he started crying again, and I was upset too. He said he took them down last night when he was up b/c they made him too sad. I was sad about that, I hope he puts them back up.

After I left, I thought I had better do something nice for him, I really thought he just needed me to show him I care. So with my quick thinking, I popped over to Hy-Vee, tried to get roses but the stupid bitch working wasn’t there, so I just grabbed some carnations, waited in line forever, and drove back over to his house. I knocked on the door and jumped up the stairs so he wouldn’t see me in the peep hole cause I know he always looks! So then I jumped down and gave them to him, and he seemed pretty surprised. I spent 10 or so minutes there, and we put them in a cup and stuff and I hope he enjoyed them. He seemed pretty thankful and told me how much he loved me 🙂

Hopefully he is feeling better aboutt hings already.

Well I think that’s about it for privates. If there is anything else, I will be sure to note. Now on to public!

Ok I just went and read Chris’ thing about the gut feeling.

I am feeling pretty pissed.

Apparently he got annoyed b/c I didn’t come up after hanging out w/ Court and Ann H. The reason it makes me mad is b/c 1. If you think someone might do something sweet, and then they don’t that is no reason to get mad. If I was hoping that Chris might one day come with flowers or a card or surprise me at work or something and then he didn’t, I wouldn’t be mad about it, b/c it was never concrete, just all in my head. AND I didn’t even get back to my car till almost 10. I would’ve gotten to Ames at 11, and gone straight to bed b/c I would’ve had to wake up early and go to work. So I would’ve just wasted my gas and money, I wouldn’t even of gotten to talk to Chris.

He’s been not himself recently and it’s starting to bother me. He’s being very vague about a lot of things and seems very unwilling to talk about anything. I don’t know what’s going to happen if the communication lines don’t start opening up soon. He says on his journal that there are other things that have been annoying him lately, but of course he doesn’t tell me waht they are. When things are bothering me, he always makes me tell him and we work it out. But now that he’s annoyed about something, I don’t get the right to know. Whatever.

I’m just mad.

Ok here is a private update, though it won’t be too good of one. The only thing I really have to update about is that Chris and I made love again.

It was really nice. It happened early Sunday morning. I said I wanted to, and he had brought along condoms and lube, so we did. I felt a lot better doing it with the condom, it just set my mind at ease, so that was good. It was a lot sweatier than last time lol. I was really hot, and we did it for a pretty long time. Hopefully it was enjoyable for him, it was good for me. Eventually we came and that was done, and we went and definitely showered b/c we were both uber sweaty and gross. But, it was very nice to share that with him again 🙂 Happy!

He spent the night last night. That was good, except I feel bad that he drove all the way here for us to be with each other for like 3 hours and then go to bed. Plus, he got mad about the whole Courtney thing. Which is understandable but he takes it way too personally. But it doesn’t really matter, I don’t really need people fighting right now. But he did say that he wanted to call Courtney and have her help him organize everyone to say goodbye to me type thing. And I feel bad that now he won’t… especially b/c that would’ve been an UBER sweet surprise and I would’ve just died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But oh well I guess. I’m sure things will work out. Other than that, not much going on. He left early this morning to go to work, and now Im just killing the next hour until I go.

Mental note: I think tonight I want to have the what’s happening next year talk. Mainly b/c I don’t want to put it off until we actually go on the trip b/c then there could be negative feelings and I want the trip we have to be uber fun and really special. So taht’s that.

Off to play some video games and eat… IM STARVING!