My Life

What am I doing?

Really, what am I doing….

The West Wing is coming to an end, only one more epsiode. They’re closing down all the relationships, creating new ones, all this emotional stuff. And tonight.

Well, it made me start to think. There’s a new guy in town, in case you all haven’t already figured it out, Dustin… How do I handle him?

Ever since Andrew, I’ve taken everything slow, I’ve been defensive in relationships, both with friends and dating, I’ve been cold and bitchy, I’ve been disconnected. Not wanting to expose myself again like that.

Then, the new years. It was time to change all that, time to get out there and find another boy. Enter, Austin. I jumped in with both feet, I jumped in hard. I did things with him that I had never done with anyone else. I exposed myself and I got trashed again.

This time, I wasn’t going to let it get me down. Yes, I was down for a little bit, but it wasn’t going to stop me. I kept going.

Date, after date, after date… All horrible, all stupid, me defensive and bitchy to most of them.

Enter, Dustin. I was excited for that date anyways, he seemed so much better online then all the other boys, a good down to earth working boy. The date, as we all know, went off great. We’ve gotten closer and closer….

But now the time comes, one toe at a time, or both feet? Things have been moving pretty fast already. He’s spent the night a few times, we talk every day. No sex, which is good, that’s moving way to fast.

It seems people always say.. “We’re going to take it slow… ” Etc, etc. But they never seem to actually do it. I’ve said it, and not done it. So what’s the right speed, and how do you know? How do you regulate it, and should you?

There’s so many unknowns in relationships, they are so difficult. I’m excited for this one, even though I do have reservations about his age. We’ll slowly see where things go with this one.

So what am I doing? Why am I thinking about this move to Santa Monica, why did I agree to it? I’ve gained these amazing friends… Pretty much exactly what I’ve wanted. People who do BBQ’s, people who go out, people who will go on bike rides, and I’m sure there’s so much more. So why am I leaving them?

It’s all being really difficult for me right now. Very annoying.

And to top it all off… Austin contacted me today. He ran into the boys on Wed at the Boom, and then again on Fri… Today, I get a txt message. I replied, he replied, I replied… No response. I’m not sure what he wanted.. It’s been over a month since I’ve had any contact with him. So what, and why now?

It’s time for bed, I’ve had a horribly long day.

4 replies on “What am I doing?”

Sounds like to me you are moving slow. You just have to do what you think is right in your heart and go from there.

And, maybe you could ask Dustin to move with you?

Just relax. Expect nothing. Assume nothing. Don’t allow that person to monopolize your activities. If you’re spending more than 50% of your free time with any one person, diversify. Make time for yourself, separate from that other person. Obsessing is not constructive.

Remember: if you’re ever driving past their home at 3am with handcuffs, a machete, and a bottle of ether and you’re NOT planning on knocking at the front door, you’re obsessing.

Yeah, I’m totally doing that…. I’m being sure to spend time apart, with the boys, etc.

I really just need some alone time right now though. Like someone called me this afternoon wanting to hang out and it was like, “well the only time I hvae right now is Lunch on Friday, or 2 hours on Thursday or 2 hours on Friday afternoon”.

I’m way too busy right now!

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