Month: August 2003

Time To Move on…

I don’t realy feel like writing too many more of these. I feel as though I’ve written everything there is to say. I miss Andrew, and I miss him so much…. Now I’m just getting to be a crazy stalker.

Anyways, I wanted to say that I’d like to clear up by what I meant in the last private… I have no control over what he does out there, he can drink as much or as little as he wants. It’s his choice. I have even less control because we’re not dating any more. But none-the-less, I just want to ask that he drink in moderation. I want him to be safe, and I don’t want him hurt. That’s all. And I won’t get mad when he tells me about his getting drunk.

Another thing that I want to say is that I really hope that we stay in touch the next 4 months as we have this last week. Getting to talk to him nearly every day, for at least 30 minutes. It’s really good. I’m very happy when I talk to him, and it makes me feel so good to know that he’s not forgetting about us.

Though on the other hand, he’s moving on, at least it seems like it. And it’s sad. And I feel like shit for not moving on. I really need to, and I need to get going in my own life again. We’re over, and I need to get that sunk into my head. The last couple times that we’ve talked, I’ve tried to end it quickly and hang up before I get the urge to just scream out how much I miss him. I don’t think that’s something that needs to be said right now.

I have to move on… But I don’t want to.

Weekend One… Down.

Well weekend away number one is almost over. It’s been hard, and very boring. Just thinking about it all is making me cry again.

I left work Friday about 5:30 and just went home and played video games for about an hour and a half. Then after that I came back to PC and just sat around all night long. Hoping that my phone would ring and someone would be there to talk to me.

Saturday I was going to go out and get my glasses, but I never got up the energy to go do so. So I sat around all day in the chair and did nothing. I felt like shit and I feel that I’m going to for a while. Anyways, had to go out with the PU’s that night for supper and that was uber annoying because the whole time I just wanted to break down and cry. And they just kept asking me stupid questions.

After that I went to Wal-Mart and got some Schmirnoff (Sp?). And then drove downtown. I called Ben Shepely, but he didn’t Answer, so then Adnrew called… Or did I call him? I don’t remember. Anyways, we ended up talking on the phone for an hour and that was really good to talk to him…

Oh, I remember now. He called me and said that he just called to say “Hi” I thought that was really nice of him.

After we got off the phone I stood on top of the parking garage next to JJ’s and drank a Schmirnoff and just watched the people below. Very sad, I cried a lot while I was up there.

Eventually Ben Shepely called me, and I went down to JJ’s and met him. That was uber weird, and he and I talked and had a good convo. Very strange too.

As Ben was getting ready to leave Adam showed up and asked to go on a walk. So we did. Caught up about things and I got my stuff back… The only thing I thought he had was my Ring… But he had some other stuff to, and I’m glad to have that back as well. It was good to get to see him again, and to know that things are cleared… Though he wasn’t the person I really wanted to see at the moment. Infact, right now I just want to sit in my apartment and cry for a couple weeks. Perhaps it’ll make the time go by faster.

Went home about 10:30 and just sat around and drank another Schmirnoff. Watched Sister, Sister and The Proud Family… That made me cry too because Andrew and I used to sit around and watch that. Very sad times.

Today has been alright, met up with Beak and Leper boy about noon. They were late, so I called Andrew while I was waiting. Again, good to talk to him.

We all went to the zoo and then ate out, and then to Wal-Mart… After that sat around beak’s trying to figure out this puzzle thing. We got one of them, but not the other two. That was amusing… Though we didn’t even try the third one.

Now I’m here. Laters all.

A Night Out..

For someone else.

So yesterday at work was the LONGEST day ever. I really didn’t want to be there, because I knew that it was the first friday in forever that I didn’t have anyone to go out with. I just sat in my office on the verge of tears all day long. I was so sad.

Andrew called me right about 10:30, but I couldn’t talk long because I was on my way to a meeting. I really wanted to just sit in my office and talk to him about how things were going, and tell him how much I miss him.

But I couldn’t. I told him to call me back if he had a few minutes, but he never did call.

I left work about 5:30 and just went home and played video games for about an hour and a half. Then after that I came back to PC and just sat around all night long. Hoping that my phone would ring and someone would be there to talk to me.

It never did. Why am I such a loser. I hate my self for being like this. I can’t just go out on a limb and talk to new people, and I suck at meeting new freinds.

Andrew finally called early this morning and we talked all about his last couple days. Sounds like he’s having tons of fun and meeting TONS of new people. I’m happy for him, but at the same time really pissed at him too. I know it’s what he’s supposed to be doing and I can’t be mad at him for meeting new people. So I try not to be.

But then I hear that he’s going to a party where there’s going to be drinking and that just makes me so mad. I know I no longer have any control over him, we’re just friends now. But I want to bitch at him and tell him not to go. I don’t want to see him go do that, I don’t want to see him go and drink. I hate when people drink, and I don’t think that it’s good for you.

But most of all I’m mad at myself for feeling that way, and being mad at him for it. I just want him back here, and I want things to be the way that they were. I want him to be my boyfriend again, and I want to be able to hold him, and have him hold me when I’m down.

I’m scared that he’s going to change so much now that he’s out there, I’m scared that he’s going to drink to much, and that he’s going to change and not be my Drew Bear any more.

I’m so scared of losing him forever.

And now I’m sounding just like Adam. I have to stop this.

Meanwhile, I’m stuck here in Iowa with nothing.

As we were saying goodbye on the phone today, he said “I love you”.

This threw me a bit, becauuse well. I just wasn’t expecting that, and now I’m confused as to what’s going on. I know what our deal is. We’re just friends. But what the hell?

I’m out. Laters.

Visit From An Old Friend

(11:36:54) AcerSai: Hey are you there?
(11:36:59) pischkoa: Yes.
(11:37:12) AcerSai: OK well…
(11:38:16) AcerSai: First off, I wan to make sure you’re not pissed at me for talking to Ben…he made mendtion of your conversations…and I think he made light of me mentioning you liking him. It wasn’t tht big of a part of the conversation…he said he’d call you and clear the air.
(11:40:02) AcerSai: But secondly and more importantly I wanted to contact you just to let you know that I really have moved on from everything and I forgive you for everything that has happened. I wish you all the luck in the world for your future.
(11:41:10) AcerSai: At some point if you’re comfortable, I’d like to talk to you, even just to catch up a bit. I hve a few of your things I think you’d like back as well. But I just want you to kno the air is clear.
(11:41:22) pischkoa: First, I’m just fairly annoyed with you about telling, him about my feelings, that was not something that should have been reshared.

Secondly, I know that the air is clear.
(11:41:55) pischkoa: I would like my stuff back, I’ll be at JJ’s Saturday night, maybe. I’m supposed to meet up with Ben S.
(11:42:48) AcerSai: I understand you’re bing annoyed. It was one smal part of a fairly long conversation. I only said that you had wondered if he was gay. He said he knew you were. I was like, “You should have said something, I know he wanted to know if you were…I think he liked you for a bit. You could have been better friends…”
(11:43:22) AcerSai: He seemed intrigued by this and asked about it. He said something to the effect of, “Well had I not had a boyfriend at the time something could have heppened”
(11:44:07) AcerSai: Did he tell you exactly why he left camp?
(11:44:26) pischkoa: No, We only talked for a bit… As you can imagine, I’m a bit emotional right now and wasn’t int he mood to talk to him.
(11:44:36) AcerSai: Obviously.
(11:44:52) AcerSai: and I’m sorry to hear that. I hope all will be well for you.
(11:46:06) AcerSai: Well as I can imagine you’re probably not in much mood to talk to me either. I had planned to wiat a while, after school started and whatnot, to contact you. Give you some recovery time. But then the Ben thing popped up an i wanted to apoligise for that.
(11:46:50) AcerSai: So I’ll leave you to your work. I hope you know you can talk to me any time. I told Andrew the same thing.
(11:47:14) AcerSai: So, maybe I’ll see you Saturday night. bye
(11:47:22) pischkoa: Thanks, I’ll talk to you later.
(11:47:23) pischkoa: Bye.

A Hard Day

It’s been a very hard day here for me. Sitting in my office thinking about Andrew and how much fun I’m sure he’s having out there in Cali…

I bet he’s already forgotten all about us, and he’s just having a blast. lol.

No, actually we’ve talked a bit today and it’s good to talk to him, through IM I can always just imagine that he’s only 40 minutes away in Waukee, but I’ll always know in the back of my head that he’s actually half way across the country.

It will take a while for that to really kick in here, for me to really realize that I won’t see him again tell Christmas, maybe longer if his PU’s don’t let him come back. I really want him to stay longer then he in over the break, but I know that he can’t. It’ll be really hard to let him go again after seeing him. I know it will… But let’s not look to far into the future, right now I just have to live each day as it comes, and hopefully they’ll all go by much faster than today has.

I spent the day mostly just sitting in front of my computer, only doing the tasks that sounded fun.

I did print off all the pictures from the trip that I wanted physical copies of, and that was nice. I put some of them up on my wall here at work.

I really want to put up more of them, but I fear that people might think I’m a bit crazy with so many pics up. So maybe they’ll go up at home, if I get around to putting that wall of pictures up again.

I did get them all up online as well. They are located here.

Well, I have to go now before I start crying more in my office. Laters all.