Feb 20, 2001

So yeah, i’ve been gone all weekend, it was so cool.

hehe. but right now i’m soooooooo out of it. i bout fell asleep in my accounting

class and then the professor gave me an extra problem “so i wouldn’t

get bored” i was like, damnit. i’m like out of the world i can’t do this

now. so i just satt there and looked at it the whole hour. well lets see this

weekeend, wel i got to my cousins at like 5 and she wouldn’t be home tell

like 5:20 or so, but her husband was home, and he was supposed to let me in,

but he didn’t he was still in bed. so i had to wait for like 10 minutes tell

she got home. lol, it was cool. there’s these weird people down the hall and

you could hear everything they were saying i was amused. well we really didn’t

do much but it was cool. yeah. danny called on sat night, that was cool but

i haven’t talked to him since then, 🙁 it was fgunny though cause when i got

off the phone with him, my cousin was like “i didn’t know it was a love

thing” and then she kept saying aww, a love thing. i was like yeah. lol.

and i talked to her mom that was funny shit too cause we were talking and

then all of a sudden she was like “are you drunk” it was great.

lol. and then on monday we went to UNL, soooo fucking boring. YUCKY. i sooooo

don’t want to go there, that is my last choise anymore, it’s a crappy ass

campus, i would rather go to SDSU or the other college i applied to. yeah,

that would be really cool. i think i might have talked my mom into letting

me go to philly sometime, “to check out the camps” yeah, right.

lol. but it would be cool. but yeah, i think that if i do go out there i don’t

know if i would WANT to see danny. not yet. i might but i don’t know i would

like have to wait tell i get there to see if i want to see him. ya know what

i mean. it would be really freaky to see him, i want to see him, but do i

really want to see him yet, are we ready for it? i don’t know. but i would

so love to go to philly, just to be in philly, just to be there.

Feb 15, 2001

People are stupid. just so we’re all clear on that.

i think the drinking age should be lowered to 16. yeah, people today, they

are drinking anyhow, so why not make it legal. they would have more control

over it then, and people wouldn’t be out having keggers and the like. and

kids social liveswould be greatly imporved. now i know there’s MADD, which

in my opinion are just a bunch of mad mothers. and not mad in the sense of

mad, but mad in the sense of MAD. you know what i mean. yeah, ya know england

has a 16 drinking age, and you don’t see all the problems there that we have,

do you? i think we should be more like the UK. it would be cool. yeah, i think

abortion should be legal too, i don’t like it, but it’s the woman’s choice,

it’s her body, it’s her. she should be able to choose. the courts and the

government should just stay the fuck out of it. i also think the smoking age

should be lowered to 15. and gay adoption and marrige should be legal, and

i don’t think i have to explain myself there, 🙂 i’m using those smilies way

to much. i should stop. MSN is so cool cause you get to change your name thingy

when ever you want, hehe. it’s cool. i thnk the government should say the

fuck out of the internet too, they have no idea what they are doing, and they

are just regulating it way to much, there’s really nothing, one sertian country

can do, people will find a way around it. if they are going to regulate the

internet it should be one world regulating industry, but i definatially wouldn’t

go for that. nope. but yeah, so what if they are trading music, not like the

recording industry is REALLY losing all that much money. assholes. i also think that e-mail and the such should be treated with the same privacy of

snail mail, where as employers, school, government, etc, shouldn’t be able

to read it as they can now. ok back to the MADD bitches, so who’s always going

to win there, a kid wanting to have fun, or a mother with a dead kid? but

just look at the numbers, look at them, i’m not going to give them to you,

you go find them, but look at them, in england the deaths from drunk drivers

is soooooooo much lower then in the US and they have a much lower drinking

age, when they raised the drinking age 15 years ago, they just pushed all

those kids that were drinking socialy into hidhing where they drink just to

get drunk. maybe if i get time i’ll put up an article i have on the issue.

it’s a good one. i also think they should legalize some drugs. yeah, i mean

people do it, so why make them criminals, legalize it and tax it, MAKE money

instead of wasting billions of dollars on a losing battle. damnit. stupid

ass government they have lost touch with the people, and the way the real

world works. they don’t understand that makeing something illegal doesn’t

make the problem go away, it just increases the problem. now i’m not saying

they should legalize murders or anything, but little things like drinking

and smoking, and a few drugs. what can that hurt? really, i mean. fuckers.

why the hell do i even bother going to programming? he never teaches anything

that i don’t already know. it’s such a waste of time. yay for OOP, he’s making

it out to be this huge hard thng, when it’s really quite simple. ya know maybe

if they learned how to program before he taught the class. and yeah i liked

today, he spent most of the day telling us how it is in “real world”

programming, WTF does a person with a fucking history Ph.D. know about real

world programming? dumbass. there was something else i was going to bitch

about when i started. damnit. i can’t remember it now. oh, yeah i’ve been

looking trough all these colleges that i’ve allpied to, and it’s getting kinda scary. i mean, it’s like cali, that’s a damn long way away, i want to go there,

i want out of this state, but it’s just a scary thing, ya know. it’s expensive

too, i don’t want to put that much of a burden on my PU’s but ya know i kinda

look at it though as they have the time, i’ve given them the info, they said

they would take care of all the money, so if they don’t get going on all the

grants and loans and scholarships and shit then it’s their problem, they said

they would take care of it all. i’ve sent them more then enogh information

on everything, i’ve sent them cost info, places to get info on scholarships,

everything. so if they don’t tell me what to fill out or if they don’t get

it done, then it’s thier problem, not mine, i shouldn’t have to pay shit, when they said, “you can go anywhere, we’ll take care of the cost”

i mean i don’t have a problem with me paying for extra things like supplies,

and clothes and entertainment money. but they said they would pay for books,

and tuituon and housing tell i was 21. so back when they said that i said

fine, and quit my job, cause i have been working a partitme job since i was fucking10. and i took the last two summers off and worked at jobs that were

fun, and i spent time traveling. i still had a lot of money, enough to get

me through tell the next summer when i could work again, but now that they

are throwing this whole thing of saying i have to pay 60% of the cost, or

the difference from instate college to out of state college. that just fucks everything up. does it not? i want out of this state, they are trying to limit

where i can go by this, and i know it and they know it, it’s *really* not

money probelms, they have the money, everyone knows it. they just want to

limit where i can go. they want me to stay in iowa, or close by, and i’m sure

my grandma has a big hand in it, cause ya know they didn’t bring this up tell

after christmas, after they talked to her, after she found out i was looking

at san diego, i bet she has the biggest hand in it. ARG. i hate my family.

if i find someone to spend my life with, i know that they won’t be seeing

much of my family, and we won’t be making many holiday trips to iowa. nope,

were going to their family, or actually i would much rather just stay home

and spend the time with them. ya know i think i should get a different system

for these updates, the files are starting to get alittle big. but yeah, damnit

that’s another thing i’ve beenworking a fucking paying job since i was 10,

in the store first and then in 95 when it closed i went and started at kum

and go, and i usually worked 30-40 hours a week DURING the school year. fuck,

i’ve worked long enough. i want some time off, i don’t want to have to wrok

like that during college, i want to have fun, my HS life sucked ass. i want

to live during college, iwant to be somewhere where i can have fun. out of

this state, that’s for sure. so far i haven’t lived, i don’t ahve the money

to live, most of my money that i made over summer was spent when i traveld

in august. but this summer, no matter where i work, i should make enough money

to get me trough the next year, with plenty of money to spare. and also round here, you have to go all the way to sioux falls to have any fun, and that’s

an hour drive, plus there really isn’t much there to do, sure they have a

huge ass mall, but it’s a fucking boring mall. really it is, trust me. and

then there’s a few clubs, but they aren’t really all that great. ya know sometimes

i just wish i could say SCREW YOU. and leave. i really do. it’s sad really. time for class.

Feb 13, 2001

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE mad dowloads. hehe, 27 new

songs in an hour which i spretty damn good considering we *don’t* have napster

access here. 🙂 but yeah, bastar ass courts, we had a test today in american

government and one of the questions was in explain one thing you think the

government has screwed up on or should keep out of and the internet was my

topic and it was cool, i wrote like a page about napster and multi region

DVD’s and stuff, lol, it was sooooo cool. but yeah, other then that not much

here yet today, i just thought i would write some shit down cause i’m out

of ideas for songs to download, i wanted to get a bunch of heather small songs.

but i can’t find them anywhere, there’s like two or three people that might

have each song, but i can’t ge them from them cause i get like .03 k/s, EWWWWW.

but yeah, oh, agian i ask why the hell a damn person with a PHD in history

is teaching VB? he started babbling about OOP today, and i know what it is,

and i know how it works and all that shit. well by the end of class he had

me so fucking confused. idiot. and the other day we had this test and he said

“9% of the people in class failed it” and he said that was good.

so if that’s good, then there must be something wrong with his teaching and/or

his tests. and i will say that some of the questions were trick questions.

if i hadn’t gone back and checked my answeres i would have missed alot of

points, but i didn’t 🙂 ok off to download some more songs.

Feb 12, 2001

so my mom called late, i mean really late last night,

it was odd. she babbled at me about all kinds of stuff, i don’t really remember

what most of it was. o well. must not have been to important. i should be

doing that hw yet. i started reading it then got off on this thing of looking

for apartments and such in various places. apartments are fucking expensive

even in des moines and such. i need a job so bad. but i’m just not wanting

to get one, not here. not now. i could easially hold one down and still get

my hw and shit done on time. but i just don’t want one, not in this town cause

everything is fast food work and shit. and i really don’t want to do that

again. ycuky. and with gas prices they way they are now it’s not cost effective

to drive all the way to sioux falls to get a job. not at all. for some reason

lately i’ve been really tired, i’ve been getting enough sleep, and not to

much. so i don’t know what it is. i broke my toothbrush somehow this morning.

i was brushing my teeth and then all of a sudden half of it just snapped,

it was nuts. so i had to dig out my camping toothbruch tell i get a chance

to go buy a new one, lol. it was odd. i applied to a nother college the other

day, i don’t remember if i mentioned that or not. but the sad thing is that

i won’t hear from them tell april sometime, but i have to tell UNL for sure

if i’m going ot go there or not by march 30, so yeah, i don’t know how that

will work. i would rather not go to unl, it’s kinda a back up for if i don’t

get into anywhere else. but yeah. if worse comes to worse i can always go

to DMACC or ISU i guess. i really don’t want to cause then i would have to

live with my PU’s yucky. 🙁 Q102 is

really cool. they have good music. lol. so i talked to the high adventure

program director the other day from that job offer in philly i got. yeah,

sounds pretty cool. i should be getting a phone call sometime this week to

do an interview. that’s one thing i talked to my mom about last night. i was

like, so if i get this job out there, your cool with me going out there to

work, and she was like, well i don’t know i haven’t talked to your dad about

it. arg. i really want to go work out there, and not just cause danny is out

there, it’s the first fucknig ever boy scout camp, it would be so cool to

work there. it was started in 1912. it would be so fucking cool to work out

there. and plus it would get me out of the state for the summer and shit.

i want out, now, out of everything. damnit.

July 12, 2001

july 12, [gin blossoms, "follow you down"] ok well tonight was

great. i went over to hy-vee and sat with adam well he was on his break, one

of his other friends was there too. i forget her name now, but she was all

worried that she might be pregnant, and such, yeah, crazy, but then after

he got out of there we went to camp. it was cool fun. we got there just in

time to see the call out ceremony. yeah, good times seeing robert like that,

adam enjoyed it too, although the whole cult like stuff kinda freaked him

out i think. after that was over i had planned on taking him up to frankel

ridge and hanging out in the field up there and just talking the night away,

but it was starting to rain and there weren’t any stars so that plan kinda

got blown. so we went into tent city and adam met nathan, the really femm

guy at camp. and we went and found becky, but she was dead asleep, so we just

left her, and went and saw ben shepely. we talked to him a bit and such, then

they were going out for ice cream and we were going to go, but they wouldn’t

be back tell like 1 and that’s adam’s cerfew so that wouldn’t have been cool.

so we just came back and adam met nic, then we went back to hy-vee and hung

out there. in the car back though we had a little discussion about things,

again the whole touchy feely things. it was a bad conversation, i tried explaining

to him about it, and it’s like, well i feel really stupid writing this, but

sometimes when he’s there, i have to "adjust" myself. i dunno, it

was wierd telling him that and now but yeah. i got heat for that all night.

our whole relationship is kinda wierd, i like it, but it’s wierd. i don’t

really feel as though we know each other all that well, we know alot about

each other, but not alot. it makes sense in my head, so go with it. but i’m

really liken it this way, just kinda learn about each other as things go along.

neither of us wants sex, so we can go as slow as we want in things. it’s all

cool. really cool. but ya know, i think my head is moving the relationship

along more then what it really is. like tonight we were standing by his car

and i was just looking at him, and like half my head just wanted to kiss him,

and the other half was like saying, no you can’t do that we’re not ready.

so instead i just played with his cheeks and such, he’s got such an adorable

face, he really does, and in my head, that’s like a huge part of liking someone.

but yeah, and then i was like, omg. i don’t want to be like ryan, adam said

he hated when ryan did that, so then i kinda apoligized in my half wacko sort

of way. but yeah. i’m going to leave now before i dig a bigger hole.