July 30, 2001 #2

July 30, #2 [John Denver, "Leaving On A Jet Plane"]

What I really don’t get right now is that Adam said he broke our relationship

off cause he felt wierd about what happened between us. Yet today he said,

"I’m gay" and he does that alot, he refers to himself as "for

sure" bi / gay. I don’t understand how he can keep doing that and say

that he’s questioning? Is he really? What’s going on in his head? And another

thing is he keeps making references to what happened, things that only he

or I would know. And all of the references it seems as though he really

enjoyed what happened. How could he have been / be so sure. And yet say

that he doesn’t know. Is it just a face he puts up to be able to hang around

with us? Does he feel that if he says, "Well I don’t really know right

now" that we’ll not like him, or that he’ll hurt someone? He won’t,

it’s best to be who you are. I don’t know, sometimes I just get these feelings

from him, these vibes that I can’t explain at all. Bad vibes. I wish I knew

more about what he’s questioning. Maybe we could help. We’ve all been through

the same period. When I was younger I had lots of problems with dealing

with it. I had no one to turn to, or at least I thought I didn’t. I wish

I had the support groups that he does now, I wish I had the resources. I

wish I had knew that most of my friends were. I think High School would

have been so much better.

To love someone is something…but to be loved by the one you love is *everything*.

July 30, 2001

July 30, [Sting, "Brand New Day"]

Today’s been really great times. I wish they were still really great times

with my boy friend Adam, but they’re really great times with my friend Adam.

This afternoon I went over to his house and just hung and talked with him

and his mom a bit there, then we went over to Jessica’s house and hung out

with her. It’s hard times in her house. She just got a new car and the tape

they used to put the "For Sale" sign on the windows had melted

so we helped her get that off there. Then we came back to my house cause

I was hungry and he wanted a Koi. I made myself a salad, Adam went out to

the fish pond to try and get a fish, he didn’t do very good at that, so

I came in and changed into trunks and got into the pond. Cause that’s how

we usually get them. That didn’t work either. So we just gave up. After

that we went out to Saylorville and hung out there, it was good times, it

was so pretty. Again, I wished I was with boy friend Adam yet, but it was

still really fun. After that we came back here and made french fries and

potato chips. It was so much fun. After that we went swimming and hot tubing,

I was waiting for Adam to try and go skinny dipping, but he didn’t and I

was happy about that. I really don’t want to get into a position like that,

not now. After that we came inside and watched a movie. I forget the name

of it already, it’s that one with the prince or what ever he was and he

gets changed into a llama thing. Yeah, that was a great movie, "No

Touchy" hehe. I love that line. Tonight was great times. Taking him

back home though was hard tonight, I started to cry. I was thinking about

how great tonight would have been had we still been together. It would have

added so much to our relationship. But tonight still added alot to our relationship

as friends. I’m glad I chose to stay here tonight. Sometimes I just need

a break.

The house is really clean today too, for the first time ever I feel as

though I can actually bring people over and not be embarased by the way

it looks. It’s so great when the PU’s leave. They make such a mess. lol.

I’m so glad I have the house to myself, one week of a clean house is going

to be so great. But you know, I shouldn’t have to wait for them to leave

to be able to enojy a clean house. But they just can’t seem to keep things

clean, they can’t clean up after them selfs and that damn dog just makes

such a mess cause my dad will just let him in the house right after he jumps

out of the pond or something like that and he just tracks all over the place. Damn dog.

July 29, 2001 #2

July 29, #2 [Savage Garden, "Crash And Burn"]

After I wrote that last update, I went out to the hot tub and thought some.

Some things went though my mind that were pretty rediculous, but none the

less, they were there, which means they’ve been there, questions about me.

Am I really able to have a boy friend, was it something that I did that

caused him to want to break it off. It was just really fast and unforeseen.

I don’t really know what to think of the whole situation. I really don’t.

Adam wrote a really good update

about it all tonight, I suggest you go read it. While I was reading it I

started to cry and I just couldn’t help myself. It really does mean so much

to me. I don’t know why though. It’s only been a month and a half since

we first met, yet in that month it feels like we’ve shared so much. So much

that I’ll never get back, and so much that he’ll never get back either.

So many firsts to, maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me, it is the first.

And it was a lot of firsts even in the short month that we dated. The short

month. And then, it’s all over. Over, I just can’t get that out of my head.

I don’t want it to be over, I’m not ready for it to be over. I thought that

we were on the right track. I kinda blame myself for what happened that

Saturday. I should have said stop. We aren’t ready for this. But I didn’t

I just let it go. One minute we were there, and the next we were here. Time

takes everything but memories.

July 29, 2001

July 29, [Donna Lewis, "I’ll Love You, Always, Forever"]

Well tonight just hasn’t been good at all. Julian called here and said,

that Justin and Sandy weren’t coming untill tomorrow, so I’m like, ok wanna

do something. And he was like, yeah, let me call Mandy, so he called her

and then called me back and said he was going to go get her now and then

come get me. Well me being me, I got online and saw that Adam was on, and

of course without thinking, I asked him if he wanted to come. Well that

ended up being a bad idea for me. At the time it sounded good cause I was

in a better mood then I was earlier. So we went over a picked him up and

ended up at Jules house. Well we were watching movies, and I just couldn’t

stop looking at Adam and thinking, Damnit, I lost him. And that got me in

such a bad mood I just got up and left the room. Well sensed that I wasn’t

all there, so he came in and talked to me. I mean, I love him. And it hurts

to be around him, I don’t know why I keep calling him and going out with

him. I think since we ended it, We’ve spent more personal time together.

It’s odd. I told Ang once that I didn’t think I could ever be friends with

my ex’s cause I have these feelings and I have them for Adam yet. It’s hard

for me to be around them cause all those feelings come back, I see them

and it’s like, "That’s why I liked him so much" and it’s just

grrrrrrr. Make them go away, I really do want to be friends with Adam, I

really really do. But it’s soooooo hard. While we were talking I started

crying, cause it’s that hard. I think that kinda hit home with him. It let

him see how much this really does hurt me. It’s the first time I’ve cried

infront of someone in a long time. But it was nice to get it out.