Chris' Site

may 24, #2 [beach boys, "good vibrations"] well it’s noit good

vibrations in the bf department. i guess danny’s feeling empyt, but he won’t

talk to me about it, so i don’t know what to do. i mean i want to be ther

for him and he can come talk to me when ever he wants. but it’s hard for me

to be around now that i’m at home and such. and i’ve been spending alot of

time with friends, but ihaven’t seen them in forever. so i don’t think that’s

realyit, i don’t know what it is. he needs to talk to me. now i’m really sad

cause i’m worried abouthim. i want to know what’s hurting in his life. i really

reay do. he says "It just feels like you

have totally dissed me or that you have like totally moved." i don’t

know what he means by that. i just don’t know.

may 24 [sting, "everybreath you take"] well i just got back from

the doctor, and the eye place. the doctor said i’ve lost 50 pounds since i

saw him last, which was about the same time last year. so that’s all cool.

i also went to the eye doctor, with the contacts that i have now, i’m 20/25

(or is tat 25/20) well it’s something like that, but it’s not good. i have

stigmatism (sp) so i miught have to go with contacts that cost like 2x more

then what these cost and i _can’t_ afford that. so yeah. i’d have to go back

to glasses. she gave me another pair today to see if they help any, well see.

after that i went to hy-vee to get food. i saw angie, that was good. i got

chinese cause yeah, i haven’t had chinese in sooo long. it was good then i

came home, it wasn’t even 12 yet and my dad was already home. so yeah he’s

here. i wanna go somewhere tonight, but i bet i won’t oh well. i have to go

make my needs list for camp, and man do ineed alot. so yeah that’s going to

take a bit.

may 23, #2 [smashing pumpkins, "1979"] ok so my head is just like

a total mess right now. i know what i want right now, but i don’t know how

to go about getting it, and since it involves other people, i don’t know how

to go about approching them about it. (and since you all have nasty minds,

i’m not talking about sex, thanks). my parents are nuts. they really are.

this fucking computer is pissing me off. i have lesson plans to get done,

i have an $85 phone bill to pay, and i have feelings for someone, but don’t

know how to go about that. there’s just not enough time to get things done,

right now i’m wishing that i wasn’t moving to camp for the summer, i also

wish that i wasn’t moving so far away in the fall either, but i think in the

end it’ll all come out right. i really hope it does. today was pretty cool

though. everyone came to my house, that was cool. they said that i was a "homo

sex god with great hair purple sunglasses cute ass and thighs that wouldn’t

quite" or it was something like that. then we went off, we were going

to go to lenox and then to diaganol, but somehow we ended up going to altona,

which i found annoying. it wouldn’t have been so annoying if angie and julian

would have got dean and like brought him out so we could all talk to him,

but they just stood in the back and talked to him, so the rest of use were

just standing around waiting, i was annoyed by that. but then we went to perry.

we got caught in the rain, that was pretty fun, yet scary as hell cause jules

dones’t have windshield wiper things. so yeah, we couldn’t really see all

that well. [david bowie, "when you’re a boy"] wow this is like the

first time it’s taken me more then one song to update this, lol we wondered

around perry (UPDATE: perry? what the hell am i thinking, that should be pella

if i did that anywhere else it’s pella.) some, then i got drugs cause i had

a headache. then we came back to dm, on the way here we got caught in another

rain storm on the intersate and we couldn’t see anything at all, that was

not fun. i had to pee too. lol. fuck, my redhat install froze on me. damn

it.ok then we got back and everyone went home, which just sucks. danny was

on, so i was talking to him about stuff, cause i’m just all fucked up. then

my parents started yelling at me, they said something about it being nice

i could come in and talk to them for a while. so i got off and left danny,

went to talk to them, and pretty much as soon as i sat down, my mom and brother

got up and left for somewhere, then my dad just sat there watching his damn

cops shows. so i ate some supper shit. then he went to bed and here i am writing

this. yep [B*U, "Summerfire"] wow three songs to write this, that’s

fucked up. right now i really just want someone here that i can lay down with

and cuddle up next to and just cry. damnit. i’ll be leaving now, laters.

may 22 [foo fighters, ‘learn to fly"] well i dunno, last night sucked.

i wrote the letter to my pu’s last night. here it is:

I want to share something about my life that is important because I love you.

I am gay. I have only known this about myself since I was 14. In the years

that have passed since then, keeping this a secret from you has become more

and more of a burden. It has also placed an invisible wall between us in that

I can not share with you much of what goes on in my life, something that straight

children take for granted. I could not share the excitement of dating somebody

new nor the pain when things didn’t work out. I have spent many nights crying

with a broken heart, alone, unable to call you or talk to you for support.

I know that you may be feeling shocked, confused, angry, and sad; and perhaps

you might feel that, somewhere along the way, you have failed as parents.

From what I have read, these are common reactions. You have not failed as

parents; you have both been wonderful. Nobody chooses to be gay and I accept

myself and am happy with who I am. My friends have known for some time and

they accept me as well. I hope that you will be happy for me. Part of me thinks

that you might have suspected for some time that I am gay since I never brought

home girls while in school and I never talk about dating or women now. On

the other hand, my being gay may have come as a complete surprise to you and

you may need to take some time to get used to the idea. Hopefully, a few years

from now, our relationship will be closer than it has been in the past. This

is part of the reason I am coming out to you: to tear down the wall between

us. When we talk and you ask me what is going on in my life and I say, “Nothing,”

I have been lying. I haven’t been lying to deceive you, but because I could

not tell you the truth. This lying has been eating at me for some time now

and I’m tired of it. So this was the choice I had to make: either keep lying

and allow us to grow even farther apart from each other, or tell the truth

and hopefully have a better relationship in the long run. I know you have

always loved me very much. It was very hard to mail this letter for fear of

losing that love. I have cried several times while writing it. Although you

may not understand about being gay, I hope that you still love me now. Know

that I am the same person now as I was before you read this letter; you just

know one more thing about me. I am still “Chris Black” When you are ready,

you are welcome to call me so we can talk about this more. Sincerely, Chris

PS. I have mailed a book with this letter. I hope that you will take the time

to read it. I’m sure you’re also wondering about Scouts. I have decided that

after camp I will resign from all my positions. i dunno. i think it

works. i have a book called "Straight Parents, Gay Children" so

i’m going to send that with it. i’m thinking i might send it like the second

week of camp. so that way they get it after they’ve been to camp, and also

it gives them a while to get used to the idea. i prob wouldn’t go home the

weekend after that, that way it’ll give them 2 weeks for it to sink in. i

dunno, i have to tell them, and it has to be soon. this is just really tearing

me apart. it really is.