Chris' Site

Tonight, tonight I got home at 6:30, because Adam called, about 3, saying that he wouldn’t be home, that he wasn’t going to go out. So I got home, got home at 6:30, got online…. Hoping that he would be as well. He wasn’t, so I made myself a supper and came back upstairs and watched the blank screen and ate, hoping that he would get on, because I so dearly wanted to talk to him. He didn’t…. So I went swimming, leaving AiM up, so that he could IM me if he got on, but he didn’t. So I got off, and got on the computer down stairs. Went and watched TV, listening for that distinctive ::ping:: that you get when someone IMs you, waiting for him to get online… 8:30 came around and he still wasn’t on, or at least if he was he hadn’t IMed me. So I went and checked, he was on, but no IM…. Thanks.

I IMed him “Hello??”
“Hi”

The converstaion went on, nothing of importance, nothing to ease my worries of hurt, nothing to tell me that he still cared, just the gossip from after I left last night, a whole nother story in itself, and of his days workings. I had enough, I wanted to talk to him now, about us, about what was going on in our lives… Why was I going through the emotions of a break-up, why did I feel as though we had broken up the night before, when we hadn’t, when that’s the farthest thing from my mind. Why was I feeling like that… But he apparently didn’t want to discuss it, because the converstaion, it never went there.

So I said, “I’m leaving, Bubye.”
He said, “Ok, bye, love you ::hugs::”

A sign on caring, but was it enough, they’re just words in my eyes tonight, normally they mean alot to me when he says them, but tonight, nothing…. I got up and got my car keys, left headed to his house, I drove there and drove past, drove past again, I couldn’t get up the nerve to knock on his door, worrying about what might actually happen, worrying about the worst. Worrying that my emotions might be true, so I drove on. I let my car take me, and I ended up in Des Moines. A place that contains so many memories, memories about us, and the first time we went out. I drove to where he first asked me out and I sat there, thinking, crying. I drove to where we always park, and the conversations that had gone on there, about the fun that we had had on the steps of the courthouse. I sat there and thought and cried. I walked to Java Joes, rubbed Reagan’s nose, as we had so many times last summer.

I went into Java Joes and went straight to the bathroom, it’s something we do, everytime we go there. I washed my hands, like I always do, and then went out the door and sat by the pin-ball machines, pretending to wait for him… I sat there, waiting, thinking, crying. I walked to the front, and ordered an Iced Hazelnut Latte. The same thing I got everyday last summer, and I remembered the times we’d share one, even though he hates hazenut. I sat at the tall round tables, in front of a the roman sculpture, staring at the door, hoping that he’d come in. I sat there, thinking, hoping, crying.

I left there, and walked down court, remembering all the times that we have done the same, side-by-side. Laughing at all the drunk people in the bars, talking about school, and work, our parents. Wishing we had out own house together, wishing we could buy a loft in Downtown, above Spagetti works, or Java Joes, and live there together. I sat on the bench and looked at them, and though about how great that would be, thinking, and crying.

I continued to the bridge, where so many times before we had stood and thrown stuff in, watching it hit the water, and then talking about where it might end up. I stood there and looked over the side, thinking about how much he hates bridges, but he’ll still always come here and look over the side, as if it’s nothing. I stood there looking over the side, thinking and crying.

I walked to the ampitheater, where so many times before we had played around on the stage, Kissing, and talking about how cool it is there. I walked to the Civic Center, and the skywalks, I walked to Nolan Plaza, I walked all over Des Moines. Wishing that he were there by my side, wishing that everything would be alright. Wishing that these feelings would go away, wishing that he would just talk to me about things, about what’s going on.

I spent the night, wishing, thinking, walking, crying.

I walked back to my car, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I opened my doot and sat there for a while, waiting for the tears to stop, but they wouldn’t. I wiped them away, as much as I could, and started my car. I drove towards home, but I couldn’t just go home. I took the interstate, as we had so many times before, to get him home on time. I drove the interstate back to Ankeny, I was going to stop, I had to talk to him…. I drove to his house. Turned off my lights. As I approaches, I slowed, but only slightly. The tears were back and I couldn’t controll them, my heart was racing, and my worries increased. I wanted to talk, but I don’t know if I could take the conciquences. I sped up and drove off.

I stopped a block away and just sat there, sat there crying, wishing that everything would be alright, wishing that we could be together again, and that things like this wouldn’t happen. I know they will, but I wish they wouldn’t. I can’t handle them.

He called me as I sat there, I couldn’t answer, I was crying to much. He left a message, saying “Ok, I’m really confused.” I drove home, came to my room and laid in bed crying. Wondering if I should call him or not.

So my nights has sucked, how about yours?

Adam got online about 1ish and said he got the job at the GAP, he was going there with Missy to fill out paper work, I said “Alright, I’ll see you at 4:30.” End converstaion.

I leave work at 4, I call his cell… Answering Machine… Me: “Hi, I’m leaving Ames now, it’s 4:00”

I drive to Huxley, where I get gas, call a guy about an apartment and then call Adam again… Answering Machine again…

I drive to Alleman, where I call him again. Answering Machine.

Drive to Ankeny, call his house… “No, he’s not home.”
Call his cell. Answering Machine.

Drive to his house, not there.

Drive around, waiting, drive to his house again…. It’s now 4:40. Drive to Wendy’s for food. Get food, eat. He call’s. “I’m still at the Mall.”

What’s he doing at the mall? He knew that I was to meet him at 4:30, it’s every fucking day, 4:30. At the mall…. With Missy.

I get upset, say, “Fine, I’ll see you at the GLRC.” He doesn’t understand why I’m upset. Makes me more frustrated. I’ve wasted 30 Minutes, 30 miles. Waiting for him. Waiting.

I drive to Wal-Mart, talk to Julian. Then to the GLRC. I wait there for him. And I wait. I talked to Dustin, and Mike, and Andrew, and Jenny. I still wait for him to arrive. He arrives, with Betsy, Missy. He’s been back to Ankeny. But not for me.

I come in, he’s standing there in a group. I join the group. Him: “Where have you been.”
“The Bathroom”
“Oh…”

He walks off. I follow. He goes to the bathroom, he’s got something in his eye. Me: “You going to live.”
“Yeah.”
More follows, but he was being grumpy, so I turned away and talked to the people there. He leaves the bathroom and doesn’t say anything to me. Goes back to the other room and talks to people.

I come in and wave at him to come outside with me…. He follows.

Talking turns to yelling and yelling turns to… Hell I don’t know what. I don’t know what. I give up, cause I don’t want to argue with him, he’s put me down, turned it all around to make me look bad, to make me look like I was the one that was wrong, made me feel like shit. I hold back the tears as I question in my mind what to do, what’s going on in our life, why are we doing this so much lately. Everything, everything turns to arguments. I hate it. I love him, I just want to spend time with him, and I want him to understand when he hurts someone, when he’s not being reponsible. A simple phone call is all that I wanted, how hard is that to ask for. At 4:00, when you’re still at the mall, you know I’m going to be there at 4:30, All I wanted was a phone call.

We went back inside. I sat down, he sat away from me. I tired to talk to him, and he didn’t listen, perhaps he didn’t hear, I dunno. He moved, motioned for me to move, I moved. I tried to talk to him, he didn’t listen, perhaps he didn’t hear. I sat there. He sat there, talking as if the world was alright, but not talking to me. They we done talking, we all played games. He got up and left, without talking to me. I stayed in one room, while he talked to people in the other. But not talking to me. I got up and asked what he was doing. He held up his glass and walked off. Without talking to me.

I wanted to leave, and I walked out the door, alone. He followed, and asked if I was leaving, I said “No, not yet.” he asked if I was getting ready to go. I said, “No, not yet.” I lied, because he was talking to me, perhaps he would say something, something that would make me feel better, but he just said “Ok” and walked back in side, without comforting me. I went back inside and stood in the room that they were all talking in. He talked and joked, but didn’t talk to me.

Now it was time to go. We all stood outside and Missy bothered him, “Is it time to go yet.” He said, “After we walk Chris to his car.” He took me by the arm and walked with me, but only for a short distance, before he let me go. He asked if everything was alright, I told him no, that I was mad. He asked if I was still mad at him, and I told him I was. He walked with me, and as we got to our cars he just said, “Alright, Bye.” And started to walk away. I said….
“Alright??? Bye??” What was this. Giving me the cold treatment, I hadn’t done anything to deserve this. What did I do, besides ask that he call when he was going to be late.

Perhaps I was over reacting, but A call is all that I wanted. A simple phone call. We had this same thing happen not that long ago, where we got into an arguement over the same fucking thing, but he didn’t call again. And again, I got mad. I don’t think that I was over-reacting.

I hate this feeling that I have now, I hate this not knowing what’s going on, I hate not knowing if tomorrow he’s still going to love me. I hate it all. But I love him, and I love when we’re happy together, I just wish that things could be simpler. I just wish that he would understand that when I’m hurting, or mad, not to give me the cold shoulder, not to try and turn it on me, because that only makes it worse. Just talk to me, and I’ll talk back, talk to me when I talk. Things will get better.

6 months, one week. We’ll get through this.

My love for you is like a mountain, it’s here to stay. And I hope that he feels the same.