My Own Place

Well, it’s official. I am now the proud renter of 402 S 5th St, Apt #151. I went in on Friday and signed the lease, I move in Aug 1. So if you have anything you want to give me, chairs, couches, tables, silver ware, plates, glasses, the list goes on. Hand it all over, eh. Cause I REALLY need it.

Melinda is going to try and find me an auction unit at Budget, cause you can usually get good shit out of those for cheap. So hopefully she’ll remember and things will be all good. They got some brand new black leather furniture there and two REALLY cool glass end tables. So yeah, I hope I can have a find like that.

So yeah, this weekend’s been really good. Friday night we went out with Jamie (One of Adam’s former teachers), and Mary. It was all good, I guess this was the first real exposure Jamie’s had with gay guys, it was really amusing cause Scott, Dustin, Dustin, Mike, Bruce, Mike (NO, really both Dustins and both Mikes were there) Mandy, Jessica, and a whole bunch of other lesbians and gay guys were around, it was great times. And the night was topped off when she spilled her smoothie in her lap and screamed “Oh, FUCK ME!” Good good times.

Saturday was good, but a little scary towards the end. Adam worked at 11, so I went home washed my car and did some random stuff. Then I went over there about 2ish and hung out with him on break. He got off at 4, and we went garage saling, but we couldn’t find any in Ankeny, so that sucked. Then we went to MHM, and parked next to Mike’s car, we tried calling him twice, but since he hates us, he didn’t call us back. We spent an hour just in the GAP trying on clothes and shit. Adam’s got some really cute shit now. The whore. I think I should work at a clothing store on the weekends, just for the hell of getting a discount. Perhaps A&E or something. I’ll need the money next semester.

After the Mall we tried calling people but no one would anwser, except James, but james wasn’t answering his phone, it was some yvonne bitch, who hung up on Adam. The whore. But he was staying with her, and couldn’t do anything, so we deicded to go to the south side…..

On the way there, everything was fine, but as we approached our destination, Adam’s car was acting all funny. So we got there, shut it off, and it died a horrid death. So Adam tried to restart it, and it wouldn’t restart. After a couple minutes of panic and heart attacks, it finally restarted, and we drove down the street to a QT. On the south side even. It was scary shit.

We got there and checked his fluids, the cars, not Adam’s. He was three quarts low on oil, and could have used some trans fluid as well. But they didn’t sell any of that. They also didn’t sell cigs, which was funny shit!

But we finally got it all working and drove back to Adam’s house and ate Italian Sausage Sandwiches, mmmm. I love those things.

Today he’s working again, and I have a COBOL program to do, so I’m going to go work on that now. Lates all!

Punch

So today I’ve wanted to punch someone all fucking day long. Gwar. I get to work, I’m working on stuff, Nazanin comes in and asks “Have you done anything to Vermont.”
Me: “Yeah”
Her: “I knew you had something to do with it… Gary’s having a problem.”
Me: “What kind of problem.”
Her: “He can’t send e-mail.”
Me: “What’s the error message.”
Her: “I don’t know.”

Now, have you ever tried solving a problem when you don’t know ANYTHING about the problem. Gwar. So she went on… “Could you look through the logs and see if there’s any problem.”

So I did, went through all the logs minute by minute, for 20 minutes prior. Now I’m guessing you’ve never seen maillog logs, but everyminute on a busy system like ours, it prints between 50 and 100 lines. So I went through them all. And didn’t see a thing… All while she was standing there over my shoulder watching me.

When I told her I didn’t see anything, she said, “There has to be something there.” and proceeded to take the keyboard, while I was still typing on it. And did it herself. Now if she was just going to not accept what I said as the truth, then why the hell did she come in and ask _ME_ to fix it? I had alot of other work to do as well. Bitch.

So after about another 20 minutes of her looking through logs, she didn’t find anything either, so she wondered off to her office, without saying anything.

I, in the meantime, went off and fixed the problem by simply restarting the service that controls the flow of mail through the server. I went back and told her this, and she said. “What were you doing to Vermont.”
Me: “Installing updates.”
Her: “What kind of updates.”
Me: “Printer software, BIND, etc. Nothing that had anything to do with the SMTP server.”
Her: “Well one of those must have caused the problem.”

HOW THE HELL??? They had nothing to DO with the e-mail. Stupid stupid bitch. Why does she pay me to do work if she’s just going to question everything I do? Gwar.

So later in the day… She comes into my office with the vermont log file about a totally different thing and asks what an entry was. I said, “It’s nothing, just that this server couldn’t connect Fantasy to get it’s nightly DNS updates.”
Her: “Oh, well you may think it’s nothing but we have to understand what it means.”

HELLO? Did you not just hear me. I told you what it means! Gwar! Gwar! Gwar! Quadrule GWAR!

Stupid stupid bitch.

What does she have nothing better to do then to sit in her office and read through thousands and thousands of lines of error messages and scrutinize every last one of them? If you want to know so bad, go look it up yourself. It’ll be just what I told you it was, Bitch!

Ok, so around 3:30 she comes into my office. “Gary’s having the same problem, did you do anything with Vermont.”

Why does she automatticaly assume that I caused the problem, there’s HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of things that could have caused that problem.

I’m just pissy. Stupid bitch.

Talking

Talking times have come, we spent an hour on the phone last night talking about things, everything, from today, to yesterday to four months ago. Things are much better.

Not much else has really been going on today, he’s off working as am I. I’ve been searching for apartments for next year, but things aren’t going all that great. I did however find one place that I think should be really cool. We’ll see what happens though.

The Emotions.

Tonight, tonight I got home at 6:30, because Adam called, about 3, saying that he wouldn’t be home, that he wasn’t going to go out. So I got home, got home at 6:30, got online…. Hoping that he would be as well. He wasn’t, so I made myself a supper and came back upstairs and watched the blank screen and ate, hoping that he would get on, because I so dearly wanted to talk to him. He didn’t…. So I went swimming, leaving AiM up, so that he could IM me if he got on, but he didn’t. So I got off, and got on the computer down stairs. Went and watched TV, listening for that distinctive ::ping:: that you get when someone IMs you, waiting for him to get online… 8:30 came around and he still wasn’t on, or at least if he was he hadn’t IMed me. So I went and checked, he was on, but no IM…. Thanks.

I IMed him “Hello??”
“Hi”

The converstaion went on, nothing of importance, nothing to ease my worries of hurt, nothing to tell me that he still cared, just the gossip from after I left last night, a whole nother story in itself, and of his days workings. I had enough, I wanted to talk to him now, about us, about what was going on in our lives… Why was I going through the emotions of a break-up, why did I feel as though we had broken up the night before, when we hadn’t, when that’s the farthest thing from my mind. Why was I feeling like that… But he apparently didn’t want to discuss it, because the converstaion, it never went there.

So I said, “I’m leaving, Bubye.”
He said, “Ok, bye, love you ::hugs::”

A sign on caring, but was it enough, they’re just words in my eyes tonight, normally they mean alot to me when he says them, but tonight, nothing…. I got up and got my car keys, left headed to his house, I drove there and drove past, drove past again, I couldn’t get up the nerve to knock on his door, worrying about what might actually happen, worrying about the worst. Worrying that my emotions might be true, so I drove on. I let my car take me, and I ended up in Des Moines. A place that contains so many memories, memories about us, and the first time we went out. I drove to where he first asked me out and I sat there, thinking, crying. I drove to where we always park, and the conversations that had gone on there, about the fun that we had had on the steps of the courthouse. I sat there and thought and cried. I walked to Java Joes, rubbed Reagan’s nose, as we had so many times last summer.

I went into Java Joes and went straight to the bathroom, it’s something we do, everytime we go there. I washed my hands, like I always do, and then went out the door and sat by the pin-ball machines, pretending to wait for him… I sat there, waiting, thinking, crying. I walked to the front, and ordered an Iced Hazelnut Latte. The same thing I got everyday last summer, and I remembered the times we’d share one, even though he hates hazenut. I sat at the tall round tables, in front of a the roman sculpture, staring at the door, hoping that he’d come in. I sat there, thinking, hoping, crying.

I left there, and walked down court, remembering all the times that we have done the same, side-by-side. Laughing at all the drunk people in the bars, talking about school, and work, our parents. Wishing we had out own house together, wishing we could buy a loft in Downtown, above Spagetti works, or Java Joes, and live there together. I sat on the bench and looked at them, and though about how great that would be, thinking, and crying.

I continued to the bridge, where so many times before we had stood and thrown stuff in, watching it hit the water, and then talking about where it might end up. I stood there and looked over the side, thinking about how much he hates bridges, but he’ll still always come here and look over the side, as if it’s nothing. I stood there looking over the side, thinking and crying.

I walked to the ampitheater, where so many times before we had played around on the stage, Kissing, and talking about how cool it is there. I walked to the Civic Center, and the skywalks, I walked to Nolan Plaza, I walked all over Des Moines. Wishing that he were there by my side, wishing that everything would be alright. Wishing that these feelings would go away, wishing that he would just talk to me about things, about what’s going on.

I spent the night, wishing, thinking, walking, crying.

I walked back to my car, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I opened my doot and sat there for a while, waiting for the tears to stop, but they wouldn’t. I wiped them away, as much as I could, and started my car. I drove towards home, but I couldn’t just go home. I took the interstate, as we had so many times before, to get him home on time. I drove the interstate back to Ankeny, I was going to stop, I had to talk to him…. I drove to his house. Turned off my lights. As I approaches, I slowed, but only slightly. The tears were back and I couldn’t controll them, my heart was racing, and my worries increased. I wanted to talk, but I don’t know if I could take the conciquences. I sped up and drove off.

I stopped a block away and just sat there, sat there crying, wishing that everything would be alright, wishing that we could be together again, and that things like this wouldn’t happen. I know they will, but I wish they wouldn’t. I can’t handle them.

He called me as I sat there, I couldn’t answer, I was crying to much. He left a message, saying “Ok, I’m really confused.” I drove home, came to my room and laid in bed crying. Wondering if I should call him or not.