And the prize goes too…

JULIAN! He’s the first one to catch the mistake of who protested at Matthew Sheppard’s funeral. It was Phelps, not Falwell. I noticed it after I posted, but didn’t care enough to change it… Good job Julian, you get a cookie! lol

Anyways, today was a total waste of going to campus. We did NOTHING in every one of my classes, however, I do have two tests on Wed, so it’s a good thing I went.

I’m out, laters all!

FYI hate you

Tonight I guess was fairly interesting. Skinny and I went to Allysons and then the 3 of us went to Hairy Mary’s, to a punk rock show. It was the first I’d ever been too. It was interesting, the music was cool, and some big fat drunk men were definitely flying into me. That was a bit unsettling, but I had fun. I did not enjoy the fact that it probably reached 10000 degrees in the place. I thought I would collapse. Then we went to Fazoli’s and creepy man was weird. “Do you know the score to the Iowa game?” “No.” “Do you know the score to the Iowa State game?” “No.” “Is your car the white one with its lights on?” “NO, what is this 20 questions?!?!” Yeah that happened, it was really funny.
Anyways, we ended up going downtown (imagine that) and we met up with Brian Niblo and Alex and Brian’s friend Sree. Yeah Jeremiah was there too. I was like eww gross, but oh well. I was Mr. Quotes tonight. I honestly couldn’t think of anything funny to say on my own, so I just quoted random shit all night. Everyone found it funny, so that’s what counts. I made people laugh. yay.
On the way home, Skinny and I talked about how guys here suck. Everyone is either slutty, and if not that, then they have some sort of problem with them *ahem*alocholism compulisive lying*ahem* Not that I know anyone like that.. lol
But it just kinda sucks. I honestly do not think I will date until I go to college, or at least until the summer when David comes back. I miss David. The more I see and meet more gay people here, and the more I realize how people really are, and the more I see the reality of some shit that goes on, the more I realize that David is my soul mate. I just can’t imagine being with anyone else, or wanting to be with anyone else. Seeing how everyone is slutty, or problematic, or whatever else just proves that. Because David was such a wonderful guy, my standards have been raised HIGH. And the thing is, I don’t think there is another guy out there who can/will do for me what David has done/will do(?). It just sucks that circumstances don’t work and all. Though I have a fear. My biggest fear right now is that over the summer or xmas break or something, I’ll see David. If I see him, no fail, both of us will fall in love again (actually, it isn’t falling in love again, it’s seeing the person, and realizing that you never stopped loving them). And what happens next? Well, let me tell you. We hang out, we kiss, we proclaim our love for each other, regardless of whether we are seeing someone else (hmm sound familiar?), and then we date (maybe). But my fear is this: That all this shit will go down over the summer, we spend 3 wonderful months together, and then.. BAM! Andrew moves off to California and everything is ruined. I have wanted to go to college in California all my damn life. I’m not sure how I could possibly pick between my love and my dreams. There is always the fear that things with David would not work out and then I would be stuck at a school I didn’t want to be at. I like how none of this has even happened. But I really think its gonna. I know that I won’t go the entire summer without seeing him. And in all honesty, I want to ask him to come to NJ with me. There isn’t anyone in the world I would rather go with. Which is weird, cause it would be like “Hi, we’ve talked some, and haven’t seen each other all year, but will you go to New Jersey to see my family with me?” Right. But I think he would do it. And that would be great. We could tour NY together, go swimming in the ocean together, go visit Erin, take walks down the boardwalk. I wish it was like that. Perhaps I’ll convince David to come move to California with me. We can live together and be the happy couple that I know is within us. Or maybe I have to wait 5 years until we can be together. Ugh, I’m so damn impatient. I think I am gonna call him later this week. He did tell me to call. It sucks, everytime I call, I want to ask if he still has feelings for me, and everytime we hang up, I always want to say “I love you.” Honestly, there always seems to be a little pause when we are about to say bye, and I think both of us wants to say I love you, and at the same time, both of us knows it just makes things harder. Like it’s not so bad when I don’t know what he feels, but if I know for a fact that he loves me, it makes it worse b/c I know that we CAN and SHOULD be together, but we AREN’T. I am so reading far too deep into everything. But it’s like, I don’t even find people very attractive anymore. David was the epitome of everything. Grr.. why is it like this? I think life is playing a cruel trick on me. It must hate me. Oh well…. I’ll survive, as I always do.
I love my Goose. Hope he still loves me too.

Happy B-day To you!!

So this weekend has been TONES of fun…

Friday night Adam worked tell 10, so I went downtown about 8:30,after stopping at home to see what all they had at the garage sale. Lots of old crap, but there was some good shit there too.

So I got down there and Andrew and Mike were there, so we hung out and talked and shit. Good times. Adam got there about 10:30 and from there we just hung out and did the normal Java Joe’s thing. We also went to Perkins on MH, good times, like always there. Except the waiter was a TOTAL ass hole! Rarr! lol.

Anyways, we left there about 1:00Am, about 4 minutes after Matthew Sheppard died, four years ago.

Saturday I met up with Adam about 12 and we went to the mall, where we met Mike and Andrew and some of thier friends. It was amusing, they were all off bowling. hehe. There was some semi-cute str8 boy there, that apparently Adam knew from his earlier years…. Something about a fight. I’m sure he can elaborate on his website. lol. After that we came back to Ames, where we were planning on going to campus and seeing all the pretty trees and bois. But we got here three minutes after the bus left, and I didn’t feel like trying to find a spot on campus to park, so we just hung out here tell 6:30. I gave him his b-day presents and his cake (peanut pie) since we had nothing better to do. I hope he enjoyed the sweatshirt.

I also gave him tickets to the Laramie Project, so we went to that about 6:30, it was SOOOO fucking good. If anyone reads this before 2 today, I HIGHLY suggest you go and see the final performance of it at 2… In Fisher Theater.

I cried, alot. I dunno what it is about Mathew’s story, but every time I hear it, or see anything about it, I cry. They did this part, where Falwell was protesting his funeral, and these people came dressed as angels and blocked him out from the press/everyone, and it was sooo moving, and soo good. I LOVED it!

After the show was over, we came back here and went to bed.

This morning so far, we’ve gotten up, and I drove him back to Ankeny so that he could have brunch with his family. Now I’m back in Ames, I must study today, I have two tests next Wed… But the good news is that my 8am class on MWF is cancelled, so that’s cool! Weee!

I’m out!

if you are in love, then why let it go?

Come Closer (Brandy, #14)

I know that it’s late and maybe I shouldn’t be so into you.
It’s just that tonight, I am so taken, I’ve fallen for you.
When I look in your eyes, I can see… a million possibilities.
And I know you’ll be leaving me soon, but tonight…

Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try, to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.

So if you must go, know that I’ll be missing you, wishing you closer.
So let’s make the most of these moments together, we’ll never forget.
And it’s breaking my heart, cause I know (I know), that tomorrow you’ll be miles away (miles away)
And I catch myself wanting so much more, more, more, tonight….

Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.

So if you’re leaving me now, baby I don’t know how, I will ever get over you.
Cause you opened my eyes, to this love that’s inside, oh baby baby,
Don’t ever leave me…..

Come a little bit closer, let me hold you baby, I will be good to you.
And we can try to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight.

Picture that song in the background, and David and I sitting in my car, holding hands, and just bawling hysterically, a week before he left for college. As David said, the song never had more meaning than it did that night, and he also said it was like we were singing it to each other.
Well, here I am, depressed again, over David. Imagine that. We were watching the movie “Trick” at Skinny’s, and as I watched, I just got so sad because I didn’t have anybody. Then on the way home, I was listening to “I’ll find a way” and started crying, so of course, then I got weak and put Brandy in and started just bawling. Then I had to compose myself to come inside, where I went to my room and just collapsed and cried some more. I need to learn how to deal. Clearly I’m not doing a good job. And it’s weird because I was better with things awhile ago, and now it’s like, I can’t go a day without wanting to cry because I miss him so much. I’m glad I didn’t get so weak that I called him. Leaving insane “I love you” messages or crying on the phone is probably not gonna be winning him back. As if I even need to “win” him back. I’ve already got him. We both know it. Except….
I know he loves me. 99% of the time. There is that 1% of me that says “No, he’s gotten over you, he’s found someone better, and he doesn’t need or want you in his life anymore. EVER.” Unfortunately, that 1% is pretty damn strong and always overpowers my thoughts. I HATE IT! I want to just freaking ask him, but of course, I can’t.
*ring*
Hello?
Hi. It’s Andrew, I just called to find out if you still love me.
What? Uh.. psycho.
*hang up*
I imagine it would go something like that. Then I cry a lot. I’m always the little victim. I don’t like that either. But you know what.. It’s almost 4 months now that we haven’t been together. That’s longer than our relationship. And I’m still not over it. The other day, on our way downtown, we drove past where I would turn to go to Davids, and I wanted to just go down there and talk to his parents. It felt like it would be the most natural thing in the world to see Jack and Rita. (I didn’t do it, don’t anyone worry.) It’s just things like that.
David wrote me this once:
Do you understand?
Can I understand?
Will we understand?
Should they understand?
…and does it move you?
…dreams? they no longer exist. I have everything I need. imagine that. no one would have, could have guessed. imagine that. anything else? I didn’t think so. It is all undeniable. It is out of our control. I believe that I like that. I don’t even believe it. Uncontrollabe. Never has one been able to show me such a light to brighten so many parts of one day, one hour, one minutes, one life. Take me on. We have so far to go. imagine that. undeniable.

What am I supposed to do? I guess writing tons of volumes about it on my journal doesn’t help any, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t talk to him about it. He probably is still dating Nate. But I doubt Nate does for him what I do/did. Highly doubt. Even when we fought, it was like “I know things will be ok, because our love is strong.” And it did. Every time. We always worked things out, and made up with a hug and a kiss and a “I love you.” It’s what I need right now. I need someone to hold me when I’ve had a bad day, and remind me that nothing else matters except that they love me. No, not they. David. David is the one who loves me.
I think I’m crazy. Laura told me to put a band-aid over my heart. I wish it was that easy.
I flipped through our pictures tonight, and I just cried and cried. We were so motherfucking happy together. I don’t know that I could be that happy with someone else. I loved all of David’s little eccentricites, and all his random sayings, and all his thoughtfullness, and all his cuteness, and all his everything. I don’t like living without it. I miss being able to curl up with someone and watch a movie, or spending the night and sleeping in each others arms. I can’t deal with this.
Bed is calling. Unhappy thoughts will go away now, only to return tomorrow morning, the second I wake up.
Goodnight, I love you.