Deep thoughts

I love you.

That’s the best way to explain things. It’s the best, and most simplest way to try and tell you how I feel about you. I love you.
Lately, I haven’t been there for you. I haven’t been able to make time for you. I couldn’t get you a card on time for Valentines Day. I make you mad all the time.

I’m truly sorry. Every time you tell me that I’ve hurt or upset you, it tears me up inside.

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to upset you. I want to be the best boyfriend that you could possibly have. Because that’s what you are to me.

When I was living with you for that month, that was the happiest month I have had in a long time. Beginning and ending every day with a kiss from you was amazing. Laying with you every night in bed, and having your warm arms surrounding me was wonderful. Every night, as I go to bed here, I long for you.

I wish you were here. I wish we wouldn’t fight so much. I wish I could shape up and be the boyfriend you want me to be. I know I can be that man. I know I can make you feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I know I can love you the way you love me.

You are always so caring with me, so kind and gentle. After everything I keep putting you through, you stick by my side. I am so thankful to have you in my life. You are the best thing that has happened to me. You keep me going, you always push me further than I think I can go, you always encourage me.

You, Cj B, are the most amazing person. You have incredible tolerance and patience with me.

I know I’ve been messing up a lot. I know I haven’t been there for you. I know I’ve been making you mad and refusing to admit I’m wrong. I know I try to turn it around and make you feel guilty, when I’m the one who has the guilt. I’m sorry for that. I just get so frustrated that we aren’t together. It comes out in bad ways. I hope you know that I truly love you with all my heart and I want you in my life.

I just want you to be here with me. To hold me, and comfort me, and tell me everythings ok and that you love me. I’m so afraid of losing you. I’m so afraid of never finding anyone like you again. You are the guy I’ve always dreamed about finding, and now that I’ve got you, I’m going to hold on with all I have.

I’m going to try harder. I’m going to try to be a better boyfriend, I’m going to try and make more time, I’m not going to forget any more holidays. Knowing that I have caused you hurt makes me want to just sit down and cry. I don’t want to hurt the one I love.
I’m sorry that this is so rambling and makes no sense. But I just wanted to truly express my sorrow for having upset you the past few days and for having us fight so much. It’s only a matter of time before you are here with me. I can’t wait until you get here, and we can continue developing our already wonderful relationship. I’m so excited to see what the future holds for us.

Well, this is long enough. Just know that I love you with all my heart and would give up anything for you in a heartbeat. I promise you that things will get better. We’ve been together almost 9 months, and we have many many more ahead of us.

I love you Topher.

Wasn’t Going To

I wasn’t going to write about this, but I’m really annoyed now.

I didn’t get a card on V-day.

Now, that probably sounds relaly stupid. But when you don’t have any CONTACT with your bf, and some holiday like this comes up… What’s the ONE THING you would expect.

That’s right… a CARD! But nope, i didn’t get one.

We got into it about it, and he said that he was busy and was late getting it in the mail!

Yeah, was he ever late. He put it in the mail ON V-DAY! That’s NOT JUST LATE!

Yeah, so I’ll get it a whole week after the day.

You know he knew it was going to be that late, so at least an e-card SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE! Or maybe some cheap flowers from Hy-Vee, he could have done that for less then $10, which is what it cost me to send him that box of stuff with his card in it. I really just want to say, “Fuck you” right now, but I know I shouldn’t, I’m just very upset by the whole thing. But it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll get over it.

I’m very annoyed by this, and hurt. Thanks alot.

Bye.

Going to DIE!

So I’m VERY annoyed right now.

Nazanin’s being a stupid HOE! And made me move my desk back to the way that it used to be, which annoys the hell out of me. Plus she’s informed us that she will be hiring EVEN more people to come in and work here, and plus she’s going to be a stupid whore faced bitch! So yeah. She’s stupid and I hate her!

Anyways, the last couple days have been fairly good. Last night Andrew and I got into it about something completely stupid. I was asking questions just for my own knowledge and then he was putting words into my mouth from a previous convo, and he seemed to get annoyed at me, and I got annoyed at him, and it was just bad. But hopefully everything is good now, we haven’t yet talked today.

I also got another interview for the week that I’m out in Cali. I applied for this job that was a Cobol Programmer and they replied back with this:
You are welcome to come for an interview when you are in So Cal. Your skill
set is not exactly what I was advertising for, but I have been considering
adding a full-time sysadmin to my small staff to relieve me and others of
such responsibilities. And, since all my relatives are from Iowa & some
graduated from ISU, I feel a duty to welcome refugees from the land of corn
& hogs to sunny So. Cal.!

So yeah, that’s good times!

had two tests the last two days. Test in Human Sex was MUCH harder then I thought it would be. So I don’t think I did as wonderfuly as I had hoped. The test in my History class went exceptionally well though. So that’s good. I think I did very good on it.

Umm, also that crazy Jayson guy came over last night and we hung out for like 10 mintues. I think we’re going tohang out Friday too. But who knows.

Today is pratically shorts weather! It’s very exciting.

Anyways, laters all.

I’m off to kill!