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I wish my dreams I have at night would at least be half true.

Lately I’ve been dreaming about David a lot. Ugh. Last night I had this dream that he was back here in LA. He was staying at my house for a while this time because he came to see the city instead of just a random climbing trip.

It was his last day. I was sitting at my desk in the morning drinking coffee and doing some work. He came out of the bed room. Came up behind me, asked me what I was doing and then gave me the biggest kiss ever on my neck.

In my dream, it was our first kiss ever. It was amazing..

Now if only that could even be half true IRL!

Davey and I have still been chatting a lot. Not as much as we had in the past. It’s sad.

My life has been pretty boring lately. I haven’t really been up to much other then the typical.

Dad was here two weekends ago. We worked on the Bronco. It was actually easier then I thought it’d be. We got the dash painted and all done up nice looking. Now I just can’t wait to get the fucking carpet replaced and some sound padding put in. Then the thing will finally be up to about where I was EXPECTING it to be when I got it back.

Speaking of which. Mother went and scheduled that side of the family for Christmas Day! Ugh. I am so not looking forward to that at all. I hope that certain person and his bitchy ass wife don’t show up.

Last week was pretty boring after that. Dad was here for a few more days. Dinner with Sirin, improv show, etc. It was fun but also AWK like when he brought up with leigh AND sirin that he quit drinking on my 16th birthday. Random.

Friday headed up to Bishop with EC, Brian and Daniel. Good drive up. Brian was late so we got stuck in some bad traffic. Annoying. Got up there and we all decided on a hotel. Probably a good idea.

Climbing in the middle gorge Saturday which was of course amazing. Did some stuff on the Warm up wall and China wall again. Lots of fun. Weather was perfect!

Left there and went to the hot springs, which were actually just warm. So we didn’t spend much time there and went to dinner at Whiskey Creek. Food was ok, company was great. Mikey joined us there, as did NIck and a bunch of straight boys. I didn’t really like the straight boys. There was this one asian guy that was really annoying. He was more whiney then most gays I go out on dates with!

Sunday we got up and went bouldering at the Buttermilks. I took them all to most of my favorite places. Hero, Iron Man, Buttermilk Stem, Cave Problem, etc. I actually completed Stem which was a first for me and was able to re-complete Hero which is an improvement since last time I couldn’t.

Surprisingly my shoulder didn’t hurt near as bad as I thought it would so that’s good!

So drove home after that we made it back in really good time. The bronco drove very nicely and was doing a good 80+ almost all the way back!

Yesterday at work was a total downer day. I felt like shit all day long. It was horrible. I went home and was just going to spend the night being lonely at home. But this guy had been texting me all day. He’s the manager at the starbucks right next to me. We were going to go on a date last week. But I got REALLY annoyed with him just setting the date up. So I decided to just ignore him. Well he texted me asking for a second chance and blah blah blah he was really stressed out and what not. So I decided to give it to him. I should have stuck with my guns and said NO!

He was fucking ANNOYING in person too. Whiney little gay bitch. And the thing that SUCKS is that he’s fucking being transfered to the starbucks that I go to all the time! UGH!

We watched A very long engagement. It was an amazing movie.

Anyways. I couldn’t wait for that movie to get over to kick his ass out! Ugh. I blocked him on Grindr while he was still at my house! LOL.

So yeah. That’s been that. I’m out.

I had big plans for this weekend. It should have been packed with fun and excitement.

However, it was mostly a big waste.

Friday was great. I’ve been talking to this guy Steve for like 9 months online. He moved here from San Diego to finish his masters. Super cute, super funny, does improv and what not. Good times. We met up and had dinner at Wood Spoon then went to Golden Gopher and Seven Grand. It was a lot of fun to hang out with him finally! I hope we hang out again.

Got home around midnight and crashed in bed. Woke up Saturday and drove out to Leigh’s place to go to the u-pick-parts place.

That was basically a total waste. I needed a huge list of things. Stuff we were able to find last time we were there. This time we could only find ONE thing on the whole list! Ugh. Ate lunch with him and then headed over to Sylvia’s house. We watched the Iowa game. Dan gets crazy! This guy that I went to HS showed up. So random.

Drove home from that and laid down for a nap. Woke up at midnight. Totally missing Sirin’s party! Sad

Woke up Sunday and was going to work on the truck and stuff but just didn’t feel like it so I spent the day researching stuff and looking for ways to make it quieter, paint the dash, etc.

I had a date that night. I was really looking forward to it. He cancelled on me at 3pm. I was so fucking annoyed. So I lost $20 in tickets for that. Ugh. Stupid boys.

My dad is in town this weekend. He’s going to help me with the truck and then go quad riding. Should be interesting times.

Well it’s been an interesting weekend.

So Friday I initiated the phone call with Davey. We spent like 2 hours on the phone chatting and stuff. We finished our talk we had started a week earlier. It was hard but had to be done. Basically he’s not comfortable with being gay. He says it’s not his religion he’s just not. So I’m not exactly sure what all is up with that.. He’s only had one bf in his life and he said that they broke up because he wasn’t comfortable.

I’m not sure how a guy can be gay and not even be comfortable with that sort of thing. Maybe he’s not even gay! Who knows. I told him my feelings, my story, etc. Told him how I cared about him, etc. He said that everytime he’s gotten close with someone like that it tends to “fizzle” out, whenever he starts sleeping or cuddling with someone.

So yeah. Doesn’t look promising. But then later that night he randomly texts me about how much stuff there is to do in LA. In fact he said “there’s so much me stuff in LA”. lol. Apparently he’s into Raves too. Who would have thought!

Ugh.

Saturday morning I got up and drove out to Palm Springs, picked up Emac and Chad Ho and headed out to J-Tree. Did some great climbing at Echo that day. Started with a 5.6 with some interesting run out. I hate slab climbing. Emac wasn’t too into it to start with but by the end of the weekend he was really doing great. I can’t remember how many climbs we did but we did a good few. Left there just before sunset. It was really pretty out that way.

Went back into PS and got dinner at this greek place by Emac’s condo. Yummy food but the portion was so small! I was so hungry.

Chad Ho had been messing around with this guy on Grindr all day. We found him out by J-Tree and tried to get him to come climbing, then Chad Ho tried to get him to come back to the condo.. I think the guy was crazy. He was talking about issues leaving his house and his grandma dying and stuff. Weirdo.

Went hot tubbing, drank some wine, etc. It was a good evening just hanging out and relaxing.

Sunday we got a late start and were into the park by 11am. Started at the group camp sites which didn’t have very good climbing. From there headed over to somewhere else but I guess I took us to the wrong canyon and we had no idea where we were. Did some good climbs over there but it was a really lazy day for me. I did a crazy little climb to go setup a top rope. I thought I was going to die! But the climb we setup was worth it. Lots of fun

Drove back to PS and ate dinner at this indian place then back to LA. David called me while driving home and we talked for a while. I lost signal in the canyons on the 60 and he said he’d call me Monday to talk. He never did, but we did text monday and tuesday.

My problem is that I can’t initiate phone calls with him because if I did, I’d want to call him every day. Which is way to much for him, I’m sure. lol. So texting is just easier. lol

Anyways. Monday I went to work and cranked out some code for the mexico stuff. It’s almost done just need to do some error checking because I’m sure that these idiot mexicans will screw up even the easiest of stuff!

Monday night I had a date with this guy named Jolly, he was super cute and nice. He’s a java programmer from Irvine. We ate more greek. lol. After we went down the street to this bakery and ate dessert. I suck at first dates. I’m always so boring on them! I’m not sure what to do or when to ask him for a second… I was thinking about maybe taking him for a rappel to see how he does. hahaha.

Tuesday I had breakfast with John Philips at some republican fund raiser for Mattie Fein… John Bolton was there. Lots of republican talk and what not. It was fairly annoying. Very interesting to see what goes on at those places. I was at a table of gays. lol.

It was really annoying that they were bashing Obama for tiny things, like him causing traffic in LA. Because BUSH NEVER travelled and never caused traffic. Ugh. Just made me hate american politics even more.

Worked late last night then went home and Greg came over… I think it’s time to end things with him. It’s been fun hooking up with him for the last 2 years, but I’m getting bored with him and I’d rather have someone who can spend the night and cuddle.

Tonight is climbing with the group. I need to print some flyers.

And I slept on my couch!

So Davey has been here and gone…. His flight was 2 hours late which kind of put a damper on my plans for the evening. But at the same time it turned out pretty good because Sophia was able to join us. She’s always fun. I picked him up from the airport and we headed up to Venice for dinner and drinks. Pretty much as soon as he got in the car and we started talking about the plans he started with the whole. “You know I don’t _have_ to go to Anahiem tonight” and yes. He did put emphasis on the “have”.

Dinner was great. The three of us spent like $180. We got a bottle of wine, had tapas, and great convo. Spent almost 2 hours there are dinner alone just chatting and having a great time. Through dinner he said it a few more times. “I don’t have to” or “I wouldn’t mind staying at your house”.

Right… I know what you’re thinking. He wants to spend the night! He wants to sleep together!

After dinner we headed out to the beach. It was DEAD and I mean DEAD! Turned around and went back to Abbot Kiney blvd and had drinks at The otherroom. Which is my favorite bar in Venice. More great laughs, conversation, etc.

Left there about 1am and headed home. Home to my house… We got about 2 miles from my place and he said it. “So… whats the sleeping plan”…. I knew where this was going. I said, “Well it’s probably safest for you in my bedroom since you’re allergic to the cat”… him: “I thought that’s what you’d say”. So I offered to sleep on the couch… What an idiot! I’m such a fucking push over!

I need to be more of a bitch in my real life and less of a bitch at work.

We got back to my place, stayed up for a little while chatting and talking. He asked about all the pictures I have in my apartment. I showed him the clock I built, etc.

I didn’t sleep a wink. I laid on my couch. We texted back and forth. Me bitching about having to sleep on the couch and just wanting to cuddle. Him saying. “It’s just a personal preference as a gay. I can go into more detail later if you want”. WTF does that mean! I replied: “I’ve asked you before and you wouldn’t get into it. I just want more then you do and I have to get oer that and stop torturing myself with you. I really like you and you’ve made it clear that you aren’t ready or wanting anything”. No reply.

We got up the next morning and it was very awk. I saw him in his underwear (boxers). So cute. I walked around the house in mine (skimpy). He asked more about the picture of my grandpa by my desk. We went to breakfast. Conversation was awk again. I wanted to bring up the conversation from the night before, but I didn’t want to get into it either.

Drover him to Anahiem. We didn’t really talk on the way there. I dropped him off. We got out of the car to say goodbye. He took off his backpack to “give you a real hug”.

I left him there… and I started to tear up as I drove away… I don’t want him to be so far. I want him to be closer. I want to wake up every morning and see his face.

He’s so fucking awesome. Minus this whole annoying bit about non-intimacy. Fuck!

I spent the rest of the weekend in bed, sick as a dog. I did mange to get myself out of the house for a couple hours saturday night at Oktoberfest with Mok and his friends. It was fun but still pretty lame. Totally not my thing, lots of drunken mexicans and what not.

I didn’t hear from him again till Saturday night. He texted me something about the park and it was back to normal texting back and forth, chatting. We said goodnight about 11:30pm.

I woke up at 9am to a text from him. Saying hello and that he was packing getting ready to leave. We texted back and forth for the whole ride from Anaheim to the airport. Once he was through security he called. We chatted on the phone for an hour until he boarded his flight. We texted again until his flight took off.

I texted him Monday for a question about the Southwest rewards program. He called me on his lunch break and we chatted for 30 minutes…

WTF! All this chatting and texting and calling. And yet he doesn’t want anything! Like I told him. I have to stop torturing myself with him. I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I’ve been in a pretty bad depression for a couple months now. I haven’t been working out, I haven’t been going out, etc. I’ve just been slogging along in my life and work. Lately it’s been really bad. This past weekend I slept from 9pm-noon got up and showered then slept on my couch from noon-6pm when I went to oktoberfest. Sunday I did the same, slept all day, laid on the couch. I need to shape things up. My life is suffering from it all. I went to the gym for the first time in months yesterday. Did 35 minutes on the elyptical then some minor weight stuff. Climbing gym tonight.

Speaking of climbing gym. I think maybe I need to see someone about anxiety or something. I hate being around that many people. Working out or climbing or whatever with all those people around freaks me out. I hate it all.

John deleted me and everyone else from the Bishop trip as friends on Facebook. He’s also not replying to texts or facebook messages. What a little fucking bitch.

Work has kind of sucked. I’m working on the whole Mexico traceability thing. We’re moving the WA system down there and it’s not going very well at all.