Category: Not Published

So I just got off the phone with Andrew. He spent his night after work talking to Adam… A full two hours. I feel so sorry for him because he’s been put through so much already now. He really shouldn’t have had to have been put through this too.

Now that it’s all over and we’ve talked a bit about it, I just wish that right now I could go hold him. Let him know that I really do care, because it sounds as though Adam tried to tell him that I didn’t. I’m so glad that tomorrow is Friday, I really hope that his mom lets him spend the night. That’ll make things better. Just being able to hold him would make things better for me right now. And like I keep saying, I haven’t even had to deal with anything yet.

While we were talking, he said some really sweet things, about how he hasn’t had anyone care for him since David. And I’m so glad that he knows that I care for him. It makes me so happy that me just being there can make him happy. He’s such a great boy, he shouldn’t have to be put through this, not at all.

I wish that there were more that I could do to make him happy, to make this easier. But I don’t feel there is.

I’m so excited for tomorrow, hopefully I’ll be a fun drunk, and not a sad one. And even more hopefully, Drew’s mom will let him stay.

So Monday Andrew offered me the chance to come spend the night with him on Tuesday… I declined initally because I should have gone to class.

All day Tuesday I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and how GREAT it would be to spend a night with him again. I knew (or at least was REALLY hoping) that he would be here Friday night, but I just couldn’t wait. All day long I spent thinking about him. Debating with myself, should I go, should I not.

Finally I was tanning that night, and I was like. What would I RATHER do… I decided to spend the night with him.

I got there about 8ish, we went to some bowling thing, it was off because of a bunch of crazies, and shit. Very wierd. But still a good time! After that we went back to his place, we were sleeping in his sisters room (bigger bed). Kissing, licking. Ohhh so great. It was like I was in heaven. I likced his ear, and his elbows. It’s so amusing, what doing that does to him. He’s such a sensitive person! But, oh is it so much fun.

Eventually we had to stop because he had to get to bed. I wanted to take it further, or to even just keep kissing him. But I knew that taking it further wasn’t a good idea. Not yet, and well I suppose I could have kept him up all night, but we both would have been tired and bitchy the next day! We layed there cuddling all night long, my arms around him. It was so nice to just hold his body, to hold him, to hold onto his personality. I’ve never held someone like that before when sleeping together. Adam and I would just lay in bed, usually backs to each other. But holding him all night long was just the best thing. I kept waking up through out the night, and just kissing the back of his head. I was so happy to be able to do that! It seemed as though the night would never end, and I wish that it wouldn’t have, but all too soon the alarm was going off.

We layed there in bed, both with horribly bad breath I’m sure, kissing and hugging some more. After a bit of that we got up and I followed him around while he was getting ready to go to school. It was so cute! After some more kissing, he had to leave. I just hung out at his house while he was at school. Read all of his articles from the past school papers. All very good and interesting. Watched “Legally Blonde” and read some XY Mag. It was the longest 2 hours and 20 minutes ever!

He eventually finally got home, we changed to go work out. After some more kissing we left and worked out. That was tons of fun, and I felt good afterwards, even though I was all sweaty and gross. Went back to his and showered, threw him in the closet and kissed some more.

From there to subway to get him food, then back to his to get me food. We ate. It was very cute to just sit there across the table from each other. Eh, maybe I’m just crazy!

After eating we watched Drift. I swear I won’t complain about how bad it was! But who cares how bad it was, I was holding someone that I really care for, and that’s what really mattered.

After a while we went to VWM and to deposit rich boi’s checks. Had a good time there, as usuall. How can you not enjoy the mall?

From there back to his house for more kissing, hugging, etc. Again all so nice. I could just do that for 24 hours straight. Or, you could throw all that out and I could just lay there and hold him and talk to him for 24 hours straight, both would be heavenly.

Somewhere in between all the fun, I had more fun by playing FF8, I’m a natural at that game! lol. Actually, I think it’s so cute that he likes that game, even though I don’t really understand it, it’s kinda in my area.

Speaking of those little things, there’s so so much that we have in common really. It’s so great. And it seems that every day there’s some little quirck that we seem to find that we have in common.

Late that night somehow we got to talking about relationships and he said “Potentially almost my Topher” and I was like “Just drop the potentally.” Because unless someone comes along and sweeps him out from under me, I’d like to get into something deeper here sometime. I know that I’m calling the shots, because he’s said that on more then one occasion. I wanted to drop the “potentially” and the “almost” last night. But at one time we both agreed that we’d give Adam one month to get over it all. 13 days before that month is up, and it isn’t looking promising for him. But whatever, he pissed me the hell off last night (Adam, not Andrew). And I’m about ready to just tell him that a friendship with him isn’t worth the pain that he’s causing me, and Andrew. My purpose in life now is to make *_ME_* happy, not him. So why should I spare his feelings?

ANYHOW, back to the good things… We didn’t know why guy was going to get home, so I left shortly after 8. I really didn’t want to, I wanted to stay another night and just hold him some more, but I’m sure guy wouldn’t have been too pleased about that.

It took us like 10 minutes to get upstairs and then out the door. I think more kisses were dispenced in that short time then had been all day! lol. I had such a magically wonderful night/day.

Now here it is the next morning. And I’m missing him so much. Hopefully he won’t bother me to much, so I’ll be able to pay attention in class unlike on Tuesday!

I miss him so much, I can’t wait tell Friday!

Ok, so Andrew already covered the majority of the night and well the non-private parts of the night will go into a real entry sometime Sunday night/Monday.

Anyways, driving to IC was tons of fun. Mostly because of the cuteness between Andrew and I. Holding hands, tickling, etc. So cute!

On the way back Andrew and I sat in the back seat. The first half we just sat there holding hands. Andrew kept dancing and it was funny cause he was only dancing with one hand. Hehe. Like half way back he laid his head down on my knee and it was so cute and precious. I wanted to kiss him so badly. But since Dusting AND Jenny had both made comments about not kissing/making out in the back seat I thought that I shouldn’t. But it was so cute, and I just loved it!

Eventually I put my arm all the way around him and held him and tight as I could. It was so nice. Too bad it was in such a crowded space! I also kissed him a couple times, and I just didn’t want to stop. Too bad we couldn’t have just put up like a curtain or something so they couldn’t see! lol. He’s also one of few people that actually has a REALLY good profile to look at, it’s so cute…

Anyways enough of my gushing. We eventually got to Dustin’s and dropped him off and Jenny was like “One of you has to sit in the front seat!” And I was like, “NO, I like this too much, don’t leave!” Ok, I didn’t actually say that, but whatever, it’s what I was thinking.

So Andrew got in the front seat and it was back to the leg rubbing, and hand holding of the ride out to IC. So nice still!

Jenny dropped us off at Perkins MH. We hugged and kissed. I was afraid of being shot there because of the crazies. It’s feels so good to kiss him, so touching, so so meaningful.

WE departed ways and as he was “walking” back to his car… Well actually he skipped the whole way. I was like, “Awww, how cute.” It was funny.

Drove home with a big smile on my face.

Today’s been crazymad. More of that in the public entry….

Finally I got to see Andrew about 5ish. I was REALLY hoping to get there earlier so that we could hang out more, rather then just “Hi, how’s it going” blah blah. But it was still REALLY good to see him. And he was DAMN hot in his Tux…

Someday, I’m going to get a man all dressed up in a tux and have WILD sex with him, starting by taking off the tux one piece at a time with my mouth!

Again, enough of my sexual fantasies… Can you tell I haven’t jecked it lately??? lol

We went into his house, just me him and beak, to take some pics and for him to get more film. We were taking pics with our arms around each other, I felt kinda wierd and out of place. But it was still nice. I wanted to give him a kiss so badly, but some woman walked in! Whore! lol.

Had to leave shortly after that because they were all getting ready to go. We hugged, again wanted a kiss so badly. Stupid people being around… Why can’t we just TELL everyone that we’re happy and shit! Rarr. Drove by, blew kisses. It was cute!

Spent tonight gushing to Beak about how much fun he is, and how much closer to him I feel then I ever did to Adam. I’m sure she’s sick of hearing of Andrew, and Adam for that matter. lol.

I was kinda hoping all night that he’d call and say “Hey, wanna come to after-prom.” Didn’t think he actually would, since he said before that he and Ginny had talked about it and ruled it out. But in the back of my mind I was hoping. He did call about midnight and that was nice to talk to him. Never did ask and I was kinda sad, but I understand because it was _his_ prom and Ginny was _his_ date. (As if she didn’t make that CLEAR enough in her journal entry!) lol. Anyways, still would have liked to have gone.

Made plans to hang out tomorrow. Can’t wait!

(I’m going to pre-apoligise for any and ALL Adam references and comparisions, it’s hard not to do since I just got out of the only relationship I’ve ever known and such a long one. Also since all comparisions are good ones, I think it’s safe to do… It’s only when there’s bad comparisions that it gets bad… right?)

Ok, so I promised Andrew an update about my feelings since I’m clearly not capable of establishing them on a personal one on one basis.

So lets think of a way to establish this posting’s format…..

1)The Basics. I think that it’s safe to say that I REALLY really care for Andrew. I enjoy his company more then anyone else’s in my life right now. I’ve always enjoyed his company so much more so then anyone I can think of. He’s one of the very few people that I like to hang out with one-on-one. And another of the even fewer people where there’s not awkward silence most of the time. (I think that’s because he’s always talking about some funny story or the like and at some point in the future there will be silence, but it won’t be awkward, I don’t think!). Anyways, back to the point of this bullet point. I really like Andrew and know that the feelings are reciprocated which is really nice to know.

2)My insecurities. The first and biggest one is my inability to appreciate that someone likes me for who I am and that they don’t have some alterier motive. I honestly don’t think that Andrew does have any other motives. However, me being the way that I am, I question everything. I think that this stems from my childhood. I’ve always been the person that people made fun of and said that they were my friend and then did something to really hurt me. I guess you could say that I’ve always been the ugly duckling. But now I’m that swan, one that everyone seems to like. Even though so many people tell me that they have pics of me on their desks and that random people will say that I’m hot. But I don’t belive them. I look in the mirror and say, ?Yeah, I look better then I did 3 years ago, but I’m still not that great looking.? I look at myself and then look at Andrew, I don’t see how someone so beautiful and sexy, and just so wonderfull looking can look at me and say, ?wow, he’s cute [hot, sexy, etc]. I’d like to have that in my bed!? (I know exaggeration, but you get the point). I think of myself in the way I saw myself 4 years ago, as a 250 pound, plaid wearing, bad hair, ugly duckling. I know that I shouldn’t and I’m working on that, I’m still working on my self-image. But still the thought is there. Like with Adam, I was always ashamed of annoncing to people that he was my bf, because I didn’t even find him that attractive, I know that makes me sound so self-centered and bastardly, but it’s how I felt.. I don’t want to be the one in Adam’s situation. Ever.

(You know what’s REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking annoying when you’re trying to write something that you need to put a lot of thought into??? HUH, Do you??

WHEN PEOPLE WON’T STOP IMING YOU! GRRR!)

Now I’ve lost my train of thought… This will have to wait for a while….

3)Good friend. I think that the biggest thing holding me back from things happeneing between us is that right now Andrew is my BEST and pretty much only friend. I don’t want to loose that. I would love for something to happen between us, and I feel like something will. But I’m scared of losing him as such a great friend. If things work out between us as a relationship, GREAT! But if things don’t that would REALLY suck because he’s such a great part of my life and he makes me so happy.

When someone makes a person that happy though, there seems to be only one thing that can happen. To try out a relationship and see what happens.

Andrew,

When I spend time with you I’m so happy. When you’re gone, I think about spending time with you, and a smile fills my face. Spending time with you makes me so happy.

I only wish that there were more that I could do to make you happier. You say that you’re happy whenit for a while….

3)Good friend. I think that the biggest thing holding me back from things happeneing between us is that right now Andrew is my BEST and pretty much only friend. I don’t want to loose that. I would love for something to happen between us, and I feel like something will. But I’m scared of losing him as such a great friend. If things work out between us as a relationship, GREAT! But if things don’t that would REALLY suck because he’s such a great part of my life and he makes me so happy.

When someone makes a person that happy though, there seems to be only one thing that can happen. To try out a relationship and see what happens.

Andrew,

When I spend time with you I’m so happy. When you’re gone, I think about spending time with you, and a smile fills my face. Spending time with you makes me so happy.

I only wish that there were more that I could do to make you happier. You say that you’re happy when you spend time with me. But I know that it’s not the happiest you could be. The biggest problem is Adam, clearly, and I wish that I could just tell him to fuck off. But I can’t because we have so many interconnected ties. Friends, etc.

Anyways, hopefully things will work out, and you and I can both be happier.

With Love,

Topher.