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An Entry With Emotion…

(I’m going to pre-apoligise for any and ALL Adam references and comparisions, it’s hard not to do since I just got out of the only relationship I’ve ever known and such a long one. Also since all comparisions are good ones, I think it’s safe to do… It’s only when there’s bad comparisions that it gets bad… right?)

Ok, so I promised Andrew an update about my feelings since I’m clearly not capable of establishing them on a personal one on one basis.

So lets think of a way to establish this posting’s format…..

1)The Basics. I think that it’s safe to say that I REALLY really care for Andrew. I enjoy his company more then anyone else’s in my life right now. I’ve always enjoyed his company so much more so then anyone I can think of. He’s one of the very few people that I like to hang out with one-on-one. And another of the even fewer people where there’s not awkward silence most of the time. (I think that’s because he’s always talking about some funny story or the like and at some point in the future there will be silence, but it won’t be awkward, I don’t think!). Anyways, back to the point of this bullet point. I really like Andrew and know that the feelings are reciprocated which is really nice to know.

2)My insecurities. The first and biggest one is my inability to appreciate that someone likes me for who I am and that they don’t have some alterier motive. I honestly don’t think that Andrew does have any other motives. However, me being the way that I am, I question everything. I think that this stems from my childhood. I’ve always been the person that people made fun of and said that they were my friend and then did something to really hurt me. I guess you could say that I’ve always been the ugly duckling. But now I’m that swan, one that everyone seems to like. Even though so many people tell me that they have pics of me on their desks and that random people will say that I’m hot. But I don’t belive them. I look in the mirror and say, ?Yeah, I look better then I did 3 years ago, but I’m still not that great looking.? I look at myself and then look at Andrew, I don’t see how someone so beautiful and sexy, and just so wonderfull looking can look at me and say, ?wow, he’s cute [hot, sexy, etc]. I’d like to have that in my bed!? (I know exaggeration, but you get the point). I think of myself in the way I saw myself 4 years ago, as a 250 pound, plaid wearing, bad hair, ugly duckling. I know that I shouldn’t and I’m working on that, I’m still working on my self-image. But still the thought is there. Like with Adam, I was always ashamed of annoncing to people that he was my bf, because I didn’t even find him that attractive, I know that makes me sound so self-centered and bastardly, but it’s how I felt.. I don’t want to be the one in Adam’s situation. Ever.

(You know what’s REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking annoying when you’re trying to write something that you need to put a lot of thought into??? HUH, Do you??

WHEN PEOPLE WON’T STOP IMING YOU! GRRR!)

Now I’ve lost my train of thought… This will have to wait for a while….

3)Good friend. I think that the biggest thing holding me back from things happeneing between us is that right now Andrew is my BEST and pretty much only friend. I don’t want to loose that. I would love for something to happen between us, and I feel like something will. But I’m scared of losing him as such a great friend. If things work out between us as a relationship, GREAT! But if things don’t that would REALLY suck because he’s such a great part of my life and he makes me so happy.

When someone makes a person that happy though, there seems to be only one thing that can happen. To try out a relationship and see what happens.

Andrew,

When I spend time with you I’m so happy. When you’re gone, I think about spending time with you, and a smile fills my face. Spending time with you makes me so happy.

I only wish that there were more that I could do to make you happier. You say that you’re happy whenit for a while….

3)Good friend. I think that the biggest thing holding me back from things happeneing between us is that right now Andrew is my BEST and pretty much only friend. I don’t want to loose that. I would love for something to happen between us, and I feel like something will. But I’m scared of losing him as such a great friend. If things work out between us as a relationship, GREAT! But if things don’t that would REALLY suck because he’s such a great part of my life and he makes me so happy.

When someone makes a person that happy though, there seems to be only one thing that can happen. To try out a relationship and see what happens.

Andrew,

When I spend time with you I’m so happy. When you’re gone, I think about spending time with you, and a smile fills my face. Spending time with you makes me so happy.

I only wish that there were more that I could do to make you happier. You say that you’re happy when you spend time with me. But I know that it’s not the happiest you could be. The biggest problem is Adam, clearly, and I wish that I could just tell him to fuck off. But I can’t because we have so many interconnected ties. Friends, etc.

Anyways, hopefully things will work out, and you and I can both be happier.

With Love,

Topher.

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