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The end of ECH

Last saturday we got into a fight about him being unable to love. Our agreement was that he’d go get counseling, maybe we’d do couples therapy. We’d work through it.

Tuesday he tells me he “googled ‘what is love'” and that we needed to talk.

He got him shortly after me. I was sitting on the couch just like always. He came over and cuddled up next to me. We kissed. Little did I know that’d be the last time. The last time he’d come in the apartment and say “hellllooo” like he always did. The last time I’d feel his warm body next to mine, his lips on my lips.

The last time he’d try and sneak in and scare me.

He pulled out of his pocket a check list of ‘what is love’. Something some 12 year old girl probably put together after reading twilight.

He said we only had 5 of the like 20 things on that list. Only 5. So that he wanted to end it “because i deserved someone who could love me back”. That’s such BS. He’s showed me how much he’s cared over all these months. The time we spend together, the way his face lights up when he sees me. The way when I get back from a trip he scampers over to hug and kiss me. How can he say that’s not love or at least that there’s something there enough to care and try to work this out.

He packed his things and just left. I can’t believe how easily he just walked out that door. How quickly he changed his facebook status, how quickly he removed me from his google calendar.

It’s just over like that.

After everything I’ve given him. Every day I was so happy to wake up next to him. To kiss him on the back, to kiss his face while he slept. Every night I was so happy to hold him and to say goodnight to him, to see him come through the front door of my apartment and to hug and kiss. I loved holding his hand while we drove places, making him dinner and purposly making extras so that he had lunch for the next day, going to every improv show he had to show my support for him.

How on earth can that not be enough for him, how can that not be worth fighting for, to work together to get though this for. How can that not be enough to love. I really truly gave him EVERYTHING I could. I didn’t want to fuck this one up. I gave it all. I tried as hard as I could to make him happy to realize how great I am.

If all of that isn’t enough to make him happy then how am I ever going to find another person who will be happy with me. Especially now after becoming HIV+. HOW am I going to find someone to accept me, to love me.

And now, after all this. I’ve never known a night alone in my current apartment. It’s so hard to be there by myself. Last night I took a sleeping pill and still couldn’t sleep! It’s so depressing.

What am I going to do with a giant three bedroom house to myself. What on earth! Here i’ve had these delusions of having him live with me in that house, of us being happy and getting older. I have to admit that starting a family even crossed my mind. And now…

And now it’s all gone.

Hmmmm.

I’m scared… Really scared. But I can’t show it.

This whole HIV thing is scary. Having an amazing bf has helped a lot.

Eric’s been tested multiple times, he’s still neg. We’re going to wait a couple months and test again. Hopefully that will still be negative.

I’ve been dealing with it but I am still scared and depressed.

I’m just not sure.

Things with Eric have been great. He’s amazing. Of course there are times when I just wanna tell him to shutup. But then I remember how he always comes straight to me to kiss when he gets home from work and all the other super cute little things he does every day that are just great.

Work has been work. I’m in Miami right now and can’t wait to get home. There’s nothing open in the terminal other then starbucks.. so I’m starving.

So much other stuff to write about, but nothing seems important enough now.

Sj Eats, Poker, etc

Again it’s been a while. I suck at updating this blog any more, no one reads it other then about 2 people and it’s become a hassle to keep updated with all the stuff that’s been going on.

Like I said, things have been really busy, we got hacked, a few times at work and I had to clean all that stuff up. The new guys that took over Aaron’s customers have not been very helpful and now they want to start charging me for the stuff that Aaron did for free. I did the math and they are making about $1,200/month off our account. I think that should be enough for them to spend helping us when there are major problems. It’s not like I’m calling them every day and bitching. I should just make my own company and bill GTC and pocket the $1,200!

There’s been some issues between ECH and I. We’re past the do no wrong state for sure and into the figuring things out stage. He’s an awesome bf, but sometimes he’s just so one sighted. A couple weeks ago I had my house warming party (a huge success). That weekend there was also Daniel’s dance party and Peter wilson’s house party. He wanted to go to both of them on Saturday. After we already had a busy long night friday and a busy day saturday.

I just don’t get what his obsession is with constantly going out to parties. He says he was depressed and just wants to meet new people, etc. I get that, but three parties in one weekend I think is a little excessive. Plus since it taks him so long to orgasm we never have sex because there is never any “time” for doing it. Well there’d be time if he didn’t insist on being constantly busy with other stuff. Then before daniel’s party we went to dinner with some of his friends which caused us to be nearly an hour late. I was so pissed.

At the party I put my foot down and told him no to going to pete’s party. Then he told his friends we couldn’t go because we were going to go home and have sex. Not something I think he should be sharing with people. Ugh.

We went and saw Thor and then Something Borrowed the next week. Thor was amazing, Something Borrowed was horrible. Thursday we went to poker. On the way there I was open and honest with him about how nervous I was, how I didn’t know any poker, told him he’d have to explain everything. He said. “Don’t worry they’ll explain everything.” So we get there, hang out for about an hour talking in which a couple people said directly to him “I thought you said he’d never come to poker”… WTF does that mean?

Then also he started randomly introducing me as “Christopher”. WTF! His reply was “it’s funny”. No it’s not funny.

So then we started playing. We had specifically asked the leader if we could be on the same table so that he could teach me.

Well that didn’t happen. We sat down next to each other and then they all just started playing. We did about two hands and ECH hadn’t explained a damn thing. So I dropped out. Then the whole rest of the game he just ignored me instead of teaching me what was happening. The whole point of this was so that I would feel more included in HIS life. And here we are at something the “loves” to do and he just ignored me completely. Fuck.

We left early.

This past weekend we went up to SJ Eats in San Jose. Stayed at his parents house (in separate bed rooms). Met his parents, they were nice but it was so awk. Went out saturday day to SJ eats and walked around downtown SJ. HIs friends up there were so nice. I like them a lot better then the people he knows here in LA.

That night he had a family dinner that I wasn’t allowed at. So I had to entertain myself. It’s so funny seeing the family dynamics. Like my family, if we had stayed with them, my dad would have had breakfast ready for us when we got up, they would have insisted that ECH go with us to the family dinner, etc. Yet his family was just the oposite. Very odd.

Anyways, that weekend was very good and that’s basically been it. My months are quickly become busy until September now. So much for staying less busy and working on my body and personal life.

I’ve also been feeling a lot more anxious lately about new things. I’m not sure. Maybe I should see my doctor about it. Poker, dodgeball, etc are all the same.

Ugh.

Sick Again!

Ugh. I’m sick again. After the HC trip. At least it happened after and not before.

So yes I’ve been traveling a lot. Been in WA, Atalanta, etc. Working in WA is so much more pleasant now that Mary is gone. The new girl is much nicer to work with.

Atl was very interesting. The boss man was like a lost puppy. He made us get up at 7am on Sunday even though the stupid conference didn’t start till 1pm! Ugh. I could have totally slept in that day.

Lots of awesome stuff learned at the conference. Now I just can’t wait to get started actually playing with it all and learning it. I got my boss to approve two classes for me! yay classes! Need to start learning again. I’ve been feeling really stupid lately.

Flew back to LA on Wed and picked up the gang then off to Bishop. Amazing trip in bishop. But kinda lame at the same time. Nothing of real importance happened. ECH was acting weird with his pot eating and drinking. It’s not like him at all and I was kinda bummed by it.

Not much else going on really. My aunt is apparently not doing well with the whole cancer thing so going to spend a day with her when I’m home in May. Looking forward to a trip to canada in July!

Stressful couple weeks.

It’s been a stressful couple weeks to be honest with you.

Thankfully Sophia has been in the office all this week to deal with stuff.

Aaron’s passing is just still such a shock and so annoying because there’s so much I still want to call him and just chat with him on a day-to-day basis. Ugh.

Other things have been going ok. This past weekend we went climbing out at devil’s punchbowl. It was pouring rain here in LA and it was beautiful and sunny out there. Amazing. This weekend we’re headed to Riverside and Stoney point! Should be fun!

Things with ECH are going great. There have been a few annoyances lately but nothing major. The biggest thing is this damn poker thing. I just have to get over that he will do that. What annoys me most is that when you ask him about something he just give short answers about how/what happened and then he goes back to facebooking or video gaming. Sometimes I feel like he’s dating facebook and my phone instead of me.

The apartment is looking really good. Got lots of new furniture. Still have to decorate some stuff but other then that it’s ready for a party!