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My Life Not Published

The end of ECH

Last saturday we got into a fight about him being unable to love. Our agreement was that he’d go get counseling, maybe we’d do couples therapy. We’d work through it.

Tuesday he tells me he “googled ‘what is love'” and that we needed to talk.

He got him shortly after me. I was sitting on the couch just like always. He came over and cuddled up next to me. We kissed. Little did I know that’d be the last time. The last time he’d come in the apartment and say “hellllooo” like he always did. The last time I’d feel his warm body next to mine, his lips on my lips.

The last time he’d try and sneak in and scare me.

He pulled out of his pocket a check list of ‘what is love’. Something some 12 year old girl probably put together after reading twilight.

He said we only had 5 of the like 20 things on that list. Only 5. So that he wanted to end it “because i deserved someone who could love me back”. That’s such BS. He’s showed me how much he’s cared over all these months. The time we spend together, the way his face lights up when he sees me. The way when I get back from a trip he scampers over to hug and kiss me. How can he say that’s not love or at least that there’s something there enough to care and try to work this out.

He packed his things and just left. I can’t believe how easily he just walked out that door. How quickly he changed his facebook status, how quickly he removed me from his google calendar.

It’s just over like that.

After everything I’ve given him. Every day I was so happy to wake up next to him. To kiss him on the back, to kiss his face while he slept. Every night I was so happy to hold him and to say goodnight to him, to see him come through the front door of my apartment and to hug and kiss. I loved holding his hand while we drove places, making him dinner and purposly making extras so that he had lunch for the next day, going to every improv show he had to show my support for him.

How on earth can that not be enough for him, how can that not be worth fighting for, to work together to get though this for. How can that not be enough to love. I really truly gave him EVERYTHING I could. I didn’t want to fuck this one up. I gave it all. I tried as hard as I could to make him happy to realize how great I am.

If all of that isn’t enough to make him happy then how am I ever going to find another person who will be happy with me. Especially now after becoming HIV+. HOW am I going to find someone to accept me, to love me.

And now, after all this. I’ve never known a night alone in my current apartment. It’s so hard to be there by myself. Last night I took a sleeping pill and still couldn’t sleep! It’s so depressing.

What am I going to do with a giant three bedroom house to myself. What on earth! Here i’ve had these delusions of having him live with me in that house, of us being happy and getting older. I have to admit that starting a family even crossed my mind. And now…

And now it’s all gone.

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