My Life

How long to wait…

We’ve been dating for nearly 8 months, really over 8ish months. He still can’t say “I love you”. I’ve said it to him many times, but I stopped because he never said it back.

How long am I expected to wait. He clearly shows how much he cares about me, but it hurts that he can’t SAY what he feels. He says “I don’t know what love is”. What the fuck is that. I’m getting really tired of it. Also I’m getting tired of the lack of sex or his enthusiasm when making out, cuddling, etc.

Making out with him is like bella making out with the vampire. All I get are pecks on the lips, etc. No real passionate making out, kissing, etc and when we do rarely do stuff it’s very bland. Kiss/jackoff/dildos. Very boring. Even before the HIV thing our sex life was bland and boring, now it’s a million times worse.

I don’t even know how to talk to him about this stuff. He’s always so awkward when trying to explain relationship issues to him and he brings up things that have nothing to do with what our discussion is about. Ugh.

I mean I really care and enjoy being around him. I’m happy when I see him but I hate that he can’t express ANYTHING. Even lately he’s been so dead when we sleep in bed. He just lays there with his arms across his chest. We used to cuddle all night long. What’s happened.

The house thing is moving along at far to slow of a process for me. Things need to move faster! I also hate how crappy the information process is with the whole loan/escrow/etc. Why can’t they make this process easier. And so many charges! Stupid charges.

I can’t help but think this is a huge mistake and also at the same time a great thing. I know buying a house has been my dream for a long time but with the money I’m going to be sinking into it, my life goes away. My ability to up and leave, to travel where and when I want. To be young and free again. I could have invested this money in 4 or 5 more rental properties easily. I hope I’m doing the right thing.

When I was in Toronto I met this guy, Calvin Lo, he let me sleep on his couch when I needed it. He’s a doctor student. He was just leaving for Kenya to volunteer at a medical clinic. Ever since I’ve been chatting with him. It’s made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing in life. Working in the corporate world, making money, living for work. I’ve never wanted this in my life but yet here I am. Working my ass off, day after day after day for a company that doesn’t seem to get staying ahead of the game. Everything is a critical mass melt down around here. EVen when I try to get them to plan for things, they fail. Even when I warn them of problems, they fail. How this company continues to operate is sometimes a mystery to me. Probably momentum. But eventually the bullshit will catch up. Someone will fuck up and we’ll be shut down. Since I stated we’ve nearly averted disaster 3 or 4 times. That’s not good. We were warned about the disaster weeks/months ahead of time. Had they taken the time to do something, it would not have been an issue at all. And yet, here we are again, coming up on diaster. It will again be on my shoulders to fix it.

The point is, I feel like I need to get out for awhile. Away from the realities of corporate america. Do some good in the world, travel and take some time for myself, to help other people again.

This brings up another point about eric. His lack of motivation. He’s not motivated to do anything. He goes through life just doing not advancing, not trying to be better. He says he wants to get stronger, to do this to do that. But he has no motivation to do anything. He doesn’t want to expand his career, etc. It bothers me a lot.

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