If I Could be

If I could be a tree I would

provide shade for all mankind.

If I could be the sea I would

be calm for all to travel.

If I could be the sun I would

provide warmth for all living things.

If I could be the wind I would

be a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

If I could be the rain I would

keep the earth fertile.

But, to be any one of these things would be to miss out on all the rest. And this is why, if I could be anything I would be nothing more then me.

— Ken Krik.

If only I could feel that way too….

If only I felt like I was worth being around and felt like I had something to add to my friendships. Maybe I wouldn’t push them away.

Maybe I wouldn’t.

Maybe things would be better.

I’m only asking for help.

Invite me.

Ugh.

So Austin’s in San Diego for the week.

I’ve been having this hope that he’d call me and invite me down for a day to hang out with him down there.

I just got off the phone with him… Apparently the other day he went on a date with this guy Orlando.. Some guy who he’s been AVOIDING since we started hanging out.

And suddenly he really likes this guy, and is going to invite him down there for a night to hang out.

God. I just wanna cry. Ugh!

Fucking shit, why do I leave myself so wrapped up in this guy.

Why do all the dates that I have end up like shit.

I did a crazy self-esteem workout thing at my meeting today. It helped some, but I feel like it’s going to take a lot to really do it and make it help. He gave me this huge workbook of things to do.

I feel like I should do one for this.

Infact, I’m off to do that now.

Adios.

Ginny’s Here!!

YAY!

OMG, Ginny is here! I’m so happy and excited! 😀

So… Yesterday was very dramatic. I got up from Austin’s about 10 and the first thing he said was asking if the guy he made out with was hot or not. Very annoying.

So I left there and came home. Sat around and cleaned and did other random stuff.

Called him at like 1 to find out if he was going or not, and he said that he wasn’t in the mood to anymore. So I got really pissed at him for constantly cancelling things on me. And basically told him that things were over with and I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore.

I hung up on him.. He called back and said he didn’t want that, that he wanted to be friends with me and he talked me into letting him go again. Honestly I would have been way more pissed if he hadn’t come with.

So we made plans to meet at my place at 6. I went to bed and napped from 3-5:30 and then at 6 he calls and says, “So what time are we meeting?”

OMG! He’s done this so many times before. I was so fucking pissed! Gah, so I yelled at him some more and then he said he’d be here by 7. He shows up and we drive up to LA.

Big fights in the car, but I think a lot got out. He promised to be more understanding of my feelings and stuff. So I guess that was good.

Got to LA and I was so happy to see ginny finially! So we get her and go out to dinner in Santa Monica. We had a really good time. I was happy about that.

Then from there it was off to The Abbey. Got there and the place was SO FuCKING packed! It was crazy. But we all had fun. So that’s what matters. 😀

Went back to the hotel about 1 and hung out. Austin and I had a really good talk in bed. I was happy that he opened up to me like that… He said that he was sad and that he didn’t feel good about himself. We talked till ike 3:30 in the morning and stuff. And then cuddled all night.

I just wish he would admit that he’s got something for me, more then just friends. I know it’s there.

He asked me in during the talk, he said.. “Don’t ever leave me please.” I dunno what to think about that….

This is why I don’t want to just up and give up on him though. When we’re having a good time, we have an amazing time together. It’s just so great.

Gah. So yeah

Today then we got back to my place and I showered quick like and then we went off to Laguna Beach and then Newport Beach.. Then I showed them Orange. So yeah. It was fun, but I feel a bit boring all at the same time. I dunno, for me it’s just not as exciting any more cause I live here so I’m not a good judge of what’s going on there. But I’m sure they had fun! 😀

I’m glad she’s here, sanity! It’s great. 🙂

Adios y’all!

Edit:// I forgot to mention that Austin says he went out test driving a car on Saturday… he SAYS it was with his brother, but I really think he went out with JR, mainly because he wouldn’t tell me I had to drag it out of him.

Go Dance, Not Makeout.

God damnit, I so hate boys and the fucking OC right now.

So last night was suppoesd to be lots of fun.. As it always is when I go out with Austin.

But lets not get ahead of ourselves.

Yesterday at work I realized that my Itunes Library file didn’t get backed up. Which meant that I lost all my itunes ratings, playlists, etc.. I have over 7,000 songs.. Everyone one of them had a rating, they all had last played and play counts from more then a year’s worth of work.

So I downloaded iPodRip and paid for it. It started out just fine, copied most of my music over. And then started importing it into Itunes.. It kept most of the songs Ratings, play count etc. However, after about song 5,000 it fucking up and died! And now my iPod is EMPTY! Which means that I can’t even try again! WTF?!

So I’m insanly pissed about that. :'( God damnit.

Thankfully I have all the music backed up on an external hard drive, and I have an iTunes Library file from Sept. So I’m just going to be missing everything I did between Sept and today.. God!

So after that this guy Steven Oda called me, he’s like an Umpire for baseball and has been trying to get me to hang out with him for months. It started out that he just wanted to fuck.. So I always said no. Then it was that he just wanted to hang out, but I assumed it was just a guise to hookup. So I kept saying no.. Well last night I finially said yes… I wish I had done that sooner! lol.

He was really hot.. But very gay acting. Which is funny. He was nice and cute and stuff, but I don’t really think we found much to talk about. We went and saw Walk The Line. It was at a fucking $1 theater! How crazy is that. And the place was PACKED!

After the movie I was really tired and just decided to go home and go to bed. Of course, Austin as always calls and says, “Hey do you want to go out.” and I said, “Sure”. damnit.

So I get down to his house and we sit there watching Dumb and Dumber and winding cables. It was nice. We finially left there about midnight and got to the bar and went in. We hung out talking to this guy Michael that Austin new, and we had seen at the grocery store a while back. He’s cute and nice, but not my type.

Anyways, so Austin trys to make me dance and I go dance with him for a little bit, then later I refuse so he goes up and starts talking to this random guy and they go out and go dancing. Which is no big deal…

But then, it was time to go, and I go over and tell Austin that unless he’s getting a ride from this random guy that we have to leave. And he says “Ok”, so I go back and talk to michael for like 20 more minutes and he still doesn’t come so them Michael goes over there and tells him that we have to go….

Then he starts fucking making out with this guy. Which of course pisses me off so much on so many different levels..

A) Because Austin has said he only makes out with people who he has a strong connection too

B) Because I obviously like Austin and am jealous

C) Because I HATE when people do that… When I GO to the bar with someone I expect them to hang out with me, sure talk to other people, but don’t wonder off and start making out with them.. I’ve LEFT people at the bar before for doing that, and I SHOULD have done that to Austin.

So then Michael finially gets Austin to leave and shit and the whole way back to the car all Austin can talk about is this guy and he calls him like twice and it was just SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

Of course, you all know where this is going.. Big fight on the way back… Austin kept saying that he had this amazing connection with this guy.. And when I said, “Well what’s that connection got?” he said, “It’s none of your business”… WHAT?!

Finially he admitted the only connection he had with this guy was that he liked to dance… Hello? That’s not a STRONG connection. So I’m like, “So you’d rather have someone who will just dance with you then someone you can have a real meaningful converstaion with you”

And then he goes into this thing about how I don’t like being silly and fun. Which of course pissed me off. Just because I don’t like to dance, doesn’t mean I don’t like to be silly and fun. Screw you motherfucker.

So we get back to his house and he refuses to get out of the car. So I practically have to force him out.

Then I drive off and get about a block and just break down from all this fucking shit. Sit there crying for like 20 minutes and then Austin fucking calls me and is like. “I want you to come back so we can talk about this and blah blah blah and I really care about you and don’t want you mad at me”.

So since I was right down the street still I just went back and we go up to his room and he just sits there playing video games, and I tell him that if that’s what he’s going to do then I’m going to leave. So he stops and we start talking and he’s telling me that I’m being mean to him and all this. Then he lays in bed and tried to force me into bed with him, but I refused and just stood there in the door way.

I don’t remeber what all we talked about, but it was basically nothing. He was too drunk to be comprehensive. But I remember asking him what his problem was with me and why he’s acting like this and if he wants to be my friend or not, and he said, “Yes I want to be your friend I really like you… but it’s a secret” or something like that.

So he passes out at like 3:30 and stops repsonding, but I was too tird to drive the fuck home. So I sat on his computer till 5 cause I couldn’t sleep. And then finially just laid down in the bed and slept till 10. I didn’t touch him all night, I had my back to him and he never made any attempt to touch me. I assume it’s because he was too passed out.

Whatever. I’m so over this shit. He has to fucking stop.

Just one more chance. I give people way too many chances.

Dinner With The Fam

Soo… The last two days have been kinda interesting in regards to Austin.

First of all, Wed he called me up and we talked for like an hour on the phone about all kinds of random stuff. It was pretty crazy. And yet really nice and stuff.

Then Thursday he called me at like quarter to 5 and said that they were having a BBQ with his mom. And he invited me.. I was a bit leary at first about going and spending time with him and his family, but whatever. It couldn’t hurt too bad, plus I hadn’t seen him since Saturday so yeah.

So I go over there at 7 and we get there and they hadn’t started cooking yet, which I figured they would have! But we all sat around talking and stuff like that and drinking and rolling up cables. It was so random.

It was Austin, Chach, Chach’s Girl, Virgina (who I guess is somehow related to Austin), and Austin’s mom. Very strange grouping. So I guess I was sorta Austin’s date for the night?

Anyways, so they cooked Beans and Broc and Ribs.. It was pretty good, even though all I ate was ribs and salad.

Throughout the night there were so many references to “You’re part of the famiy” and stuff. It was so wierd. But I had a really great night.

By the end of I just wanted to fucking grab Austin and give him a big kiss on the lips, but alas. I held back.

I left about 10 and they were all still watching family videos… It was so cute!

I know, I know.. You’re all saying.. OMG, Why don’t you listen! I’m sorry. :'(