Category: Not Published

I currently have FIVE people who want to date me.. But only one that I want to date..

Sadly the one I want to date is not part of the five…

UGH!

Why do we always want what we can’t have.

So, I’ve been thinking about just closing down shop over here. It’s been nearly 9 years now. I don’t know. I tried to stop a while back, but then I came back to it after a while. I might just stop updating every week and slow down. There’s not much to really report.

Friday I went on a date with this guy Adam. He’s the guy I went hiking with last weekend. He’s a nice guy, but I’m not sure I’m interested. He’s def interested in me. We shall see.

Saturday I ran around town, bought books, researched portland stuff, read, watched a movie, went out and about, etc.

Sunday Morgan and Sophia came to my house, we went rock climbing. Claudia, Silvia, Jerry and Meghan(!) were there. We had a great time, did some lead climbing and what not. Morgan brought me coffee. It was really awk seeing him again. On the car ride home we talked a lot, got back to my place. I offered for him to stay a bit, he refused. :'( So I guess the answer is just friends. He WILL not fucking talk about it though, it’s so fucking annoying. UGH.

I’m hiring Sophia as my assistant. We shall see how that goes.

I have a date tomorrow night with Marshal. He’s a great guy, but not for me. He likes to just sit at home, watch movies, and watch TV. I can’t do that shit.

I might be going to Zion next month with Adam. We shall see.

Work is redic. I hate people.

I’m so tired of being single and alone. Why is it so hard for me to find a boyfriend! I was talking to this random yesterday and he said that I probably intimidate guys with all my crazy activities and what not. Ugh.

Honestly, I’m feeling very depressed lately, and I hate this feeling. Make it go away!

Ugh. So the last week has been ungodly emotional and horrible for me.

I’ve basically broken up with myself over Morgan, I fell so hard for him, so fast, so much. And then he just leaves and breaks all that down and leaves me in the dust to basically break up with myself.

Ever since we got back from Robber’s he’s been acting really weird, not returning phone calls, txts, etc. I was used to him being REALLY slow at returning txts, but at least he would return them. Now he won’t return shit.

Over the weekend he was in Michigan, I called Saturday night because I really needed to find out if there was any way to get his gear from him. He didn’t answer and of course never called back. Sunday his sister posted a vague post on facebook about him being in a hospital. I of course assumed that meant he was actually IN the hospital, so I txted him and no reply. He txted me AS he was getting on the plane that he was headed back to LA.

Then nothing at ALL on Monday, I woke up about 3am and stupidly txted him then asking what his deal was. Tuesday at like 4:30 he got online and we chatted for about 10 minutes he was being really vague and annoying. But he initiated that convo. So I got home and was hoping he’d still be online, but of course he wasn’t.

Wed he was only for a while and we chatted for a bit, this was a more productive communications, but still annoying. I had to run because David got to my house, I had sent him like 5 messages about going to rock climbing gyms, etc and then said. “I have to run, let me know if you’re coming sunday… have a good night”. You’d think he would at least reply to something, but NO reply at all. Very annoying.

Then today he was online for all morning, but I wasn’t even my office. When I got back he was gone and he hasn’t been online again. Ugh.

So basically I have broken up with myself over him. I’m not going to play this game. Fuck You, It’s over…

I really wanted something to happen with this and him. Now I’m just heart broken over a relationship that never even happened. And I’m going to end up an old, bitter gay man, begging lesbians to have sex with me.

Fuck it. I hate this shit! Why on earth can people like Jason have boyfriends for so long, when he doesn’t even fucking ACKNOWLEDGE that they are in a relationship, he just uses them. FUCK it. I’m a great guy, I’m nice, I have a ton of things going on for me and to the benefit of someone else (especially someone like Morgan) and yet I can’t fucking keep a guy around.

Fuck it, Nice guys do always finish last.

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve updated and I’ve been really sucking at it. Busy busy life around here lately!

Last weekend I headed over to Morgan’s house after work on Friday. We hung out, chatted, watched a movie, got high. Good times. It was def awk being around him again after everything that had happened, but we had a good time. I spent the night there. Started out not cuddling or anything and then slowly moved over and just cuddled with him all night.

Sophia got there 30 minutes early on Saturday morning and we were both still in bed! Got up and I had a crisis at the office to deal with then packed and left right on time!

We headed out to Mojave and then over to Atolia to check out the old mines there. Walked around for about an hour there and had a good time. Then headed out to lunch. Got over to Robbers about 30 minutes after Jake, Joe and gang. Got there, setup some routes, hung out for a while chatting, enjoying the heat, etc. Climbed a few times that evening, made dinner, made a camp fire, etc.

The whole time Morgan was very awk but still giving off vibes. Anyways, that night he and I had to cuddle because he had forgotten his sleeping bag.

Sunday we got up. I made everyone breakfast. Served Morgan’s in bed. 😉 We climbed some more, it was FUCKING HOT! But everyone had a great time. Had the water balloon launchers and shot them at jake while he was climbing. They never were able to hit him. 🙁

Sunday we drove home and stopped at an Indian place, good food. I’ve never had real Indian. Went on a date forever ago that was at an Indian place and it wasn’t very good. This time I actually liked it! 🙂

Drove them all back to Long Beach and basically invited myself to spend the night. I felt bad, but I wanted to see him some more! I just didn’t want to leave. So we went to the beach, then came back, watched some movies, made out, jacked each other off, laid on the couch cuddling, went to bed.

I got up Monday morning, kissed him good bye and then didn’t hear a WORD from him till Wed! I txted him once on Monday night, then Tuesday morning then Called him tuesday night. No answers. Then Wed he FINALLY got online at like noon. WTF! Seriously! Very annoying.

So yeah. I have no idea. Then all day Thursday he was IMing me and chatting it up and offering to let me borrow the crash pad, quick draws and what not. I have no idea what’s up with this boy. So confusing.

I’ve been reading a relationship book as well. I realize I do a lot of stuff wrong. Going to try and stop that.

I REALLY don’t want to fuck things up with Morgan. I’m not going to call/txt while he is away this weekend in Michigan with his family.

So anyways, the rest of this week. I’ve been to the rock climbing gym twice. Lots of work, etc. Our contractors are STILL idiots.

We need to have this thing done where a fax/email is sent automatically at time of shipping. The programmer started doing the work before he even called me to figure things out. HELLO! WTF are you thinking. REALLY!?

And then they are charging us for doing this custom programming which I am SURE other people have had the same fucking request. I don’t get how they can do this shit.

I HATE contractors!

So yeah, this weekend I have two dates, one hiking date and one dinner date. The dinner date is with someone that I used to go out on dates with a lot when I worked in Santa Monica. Then we lost touch and he randomly called me on Monday demanding we meet again. He’s always been cute and fun, but we never really got much past going to dinner/lunch and chatting. We’ll see what happens. We’re meeting in downtown which is like half way for both of us.

I can’t wait to see Morgan again! 🙁

I’ve booked my weekends through mid-oct now. It’s going to be a BUSY next two months!

I leave Miami in an hour and I CANNOT WAIT to get back to LA, work two short days at the office there and then take a fun weekend out rock climbing with some great people this weekend!

This week in Miami has really taken an emotional and mental toll on me. I cannot work 14 hour days 7 days a week. It’s just not who I am! I need my time to myself, to relax, refresh and forget the stress, idiots at work.

It’s taken such an emotional toll that I’m pissed at Morgan and I don’t know what to do. Yesterday he made a joke about me hooking up in Miami and I countered with a joke about him in Vegas. His response was “what happened in vegas…”.

That really pissed me off, specially after the lack of communication all weekend from him and hearing about him staying out partying till 6am! I’m pretty sure nothing happened there, he doesn’t seem to be that sort of person. But My mind is so fried right now and I’m so easily upset that the joke that I normally would have just let slide really got to me and made me almost cry here at my office.

So here’s our convo:

1:05:40 PM Cj B (blackc2004): Sorry, best kept for in-person discussion, hence why I was extra pissed when I found out I had to stay till Wed!…..But I’m sure you’ve figured out I’m pretty interested in you and would like to discuss what you’re looking for, ie “activity partners”, bf, etc in the long run. If you even are interested in me that way? And since I’m interested, the idea of you doing whatever with other guys kind of annoys me.
1:11:42 PM Morgan: ya that sounds like an in person talk
1:13:04 PM Cj B (blackc2004): Yeah, maybe we can meet up for dinner Wed and discuss whatever. I can come down to LB after my flight lands if that works.
1:24:14 PM Morgan: wed is my hermit day
1:24:39 PM Cj B (blackc2004): Um. ok when?
1:32:20 PM Morgan: dunno
1:33:13 PM Morgan: and you’re going to hate me for this, but do you think we could reschedule harry potter for next week? I forgot I’m riding down to manny’s on thurs
1:33:59 PM Cj B (blackc2004): Um, phone sometime tonight then? I’d rather discuss before leaving for robbers on Friday.
1:48:07 PM Morgan: I’m going over to Sam’s tonight.. not sure when I’ll be back
1:48:48 PM Cj B (blackc2004): Ok. Um, well when do you want to talk about this? Because I don’t wanna go to Robbers and act like an idiot if you want different things then I do.
1:50:16 PM Cj B (blackc2004): I doubt it’s going to take more then 30 minutes, no? If even that long to discuss. I’ve already spilled my side.
1:59:28 PM Morgan: I suppose if you’re up when I get back tonight or wed?
1:59:32 PM Morgan: when do you get back tomrorow?
2:00:31 PM Cj B (blackc2004): I land at 3:35 tomorrow.
4:10:11 PM Cj B (blackc2004): Ok. Well I have to run to the airport to pick up a guy from LA then we’re going to dinner. I’ll leave it in your hands as to when to discuss. But I’ve missed hanging out with you, chatting, going and doing stuff, I think we have a lot in common, etc. So I just want to get an idea of what you’re wanting, how you feel, etc so that I don’t keep thinking we’re going down one road while you are going down another road. Just want to make sure we’re both on the same page as to what we’re looking for/want, etc. If you don’t want anything more, then I’d just like to know now so we can be friends and not ruin anything. So give me a call or let me know what you wanna do…

So yeah…. this whole convo really annoyed me. Basically if he wanted more, wouldn’t he have wanted to at least meet up Wed to talk about it for a little bit? I could understand if he wants time alone, he’s been with people EVERYDAY since last weekend, but come on. Or couldn’t he at least call before heading over to Sam’s? Couldn’t he CALL at SOMETIME today. It’d take just a few minutes to discuss this stuff with him, it’s not like I’m wanting to fucking bitch and cry for hours on end. He could have even just said YES OR NO over AIM!

And then the fact that he didn’t even reply to me from 2pm onwards? So basically I’m preparing myself for the worst. At this point, I don’t know what to do.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I was so pissed/waiting for his call. I was hoping he’d call me and talk about it. I just want to know. I can’t stand NOT KNOWING! It’s breaking my heart to not know. I know this sounds so stupid, but Morgan is fucking amazing, really. I have never felt like this in so long! Even with Constantine, it took me a couple months to feel like I really cared about him. Morgan, I’ve felt like it since basically the drive up to Yosemite!

I can’t deal with this and the stress from all this work shit and the lists and lists of stuff that’s piling up for me to do once I get back to LA! In the next three months, I have to completed design and program a traceability system for Mexico from scratch. The one that we have in place now will do NOTHING for the upcoming year. Plus I have to do a phone switch over manage all the stupid help desk calls that come in daily, maintain all the servers, etc AND do all the projects that are adding up! I really need a second person to help me out with all this shit.

I’m out. I’m going to go home tonight, change into some PJ’s, cuddle with the pussy on the couch and catch up on Movies, TV and finish AdBusters!