Calvin…. Lima and NYC

I’ve been traveling way to much this month.

But let’s start with the house. It’s mine, at last! After so many headaches and “today”, “today”, “today”. I own a house! We finally signed the paper work for the day before I left. I haven’t even seen it yet since it’s officially mine! I can’t wait to go and spend a night there. Though I’m not really sure when that’ll be.

So we left for Peru a while ago getting there and all that went off without a problem. Delta flights were nice. You get more food for free, free checked baggage, etc. It was a nice flight. Arrived in peru and was met by Diego and Raul. I’ve only met Diego a few times and he had always been very nice. But this trip he really pissed me off. He’s one rude asshole. We sit around and wait for an hour or more for Mac and Hector to get there. Finanlly we all walk out to Diego’s car. I’d figure for such a big group that they’d rent a car or van or something. Nope. We go out to a mid-90’s era Nissan Sentra. I ask, “Are we really all fitting into that thing” the reply, “Yes”.

You have got to be kidding me.

Met Hector for the first time even though he’s been with the company for months. He’s a good guy he liked to complain like I do so it was good to vent to him the whole trip.

We all go check into the hotel and I went to sleep. The others all went out drinking.

This whole trip was just a huge mess. Nothing and I mean NOTHING was planned at all. The next day we were supposed to have our meeting, go to some sheds, I was told I’d have a full packed week and that I’d basically only have 1 day to myself. Turns out that I had only 2 days of real work to do and had the rest of the trip to myself. Ugh. So We putzed around the city, did some random “work” then just went back to the hotel.

Saturday I rented a taxi for the day and did a nice tour of the city. That was the highlight of the week in Peru.

The presnetation that we went down there to do sucked. After all the work I went through to get mac up to date with everything eh didn’t even DO the presentation. He had Diego do it. Diego knows NOTHING about PTI. All he did was read the damn slides. _I_ could have learned enough spanish to do that!

Met up wth the two Gourmet Offices down there. They are of course a mess. I am not sure how anything in that country gets done. When I suggested that they do things differently I was told. “Well he just doesn’t have enough time to do all that”.

Finally the trip was over, I was headed to NYC to Calvin. I was super excited. I had all this cute romanitc stuff planned out that we were going to do. We were going to have this amazing time, which we did, but something stepped in the way….

I woke up Thursday morning puking my guts out. I got about 10 feet from Jeremy’s door when it started. I threw up about every 10 minutes between there and the bus station. Then continued throwing up for a while while waiting for his bus. Finally I decided that I was in no shape to greet him at the bus. So I left. On the way out of the bus station… I didn’t make it to the toilet. Threw up right in the middle of NYC Port Athority bus terminal.

I arrived back at Jeremy’s and was puking in the toilet when my phone rang. It was that beautiful voice of his saying “I’m here”. I buzzed him in and ran back to the toilet. He came in and saw me. Rubbed my back while I was throwing up and gave me some napkins when i was done.

He came in and cuddled with me all day. Helped me, got me meds, Held me. He was amazing. I’m not sure most people would have stayed after seeing something like that. At one point I had the MOST horrible, painful leg cramp I had ever had in my life. Calvin was amazing in helping me through that too. Holding me, massaging my leg, etc. I was probably screaming bloody murder at him. I took some magic “yellow” pills that were chinese in nature and those made my stomach feel better. I had my meeting with the guy then we went out walking in the city.

We got to see some nice parts of the city that night. I honestly can’t even remember what we did. I think that was the night that we saw this italian market, met up with both Jeremy and Oksana. Didn’t stay out late and went back to Jeremy’s place.

J was awk this whole trip. I’m not sure what his deal was. There were a lot of weird things that bothered me. First example we’d be walking down the streets and if you didn’t keep an eye on him he would just disappear. Like turn a corner without saying “hey we need to go this way”. Stuff like that. it gets really annnoying. Also he can be so prying sometimes. And most of all that night going to bed. We had discussed it before, he said multiple times that Calvin and I could have his bed. But in the end we ended up sleeping on the couch together. WTF. It wasn’t horrible. It was actually fine, but still. WTF. Another example is that when we’re walking around the city we told him 4-5 times “let’s go straight to XXXXX” Well after about 20 minutes of round about walking and back and forth on the blocks we’d be there. That’s not going “Straight” there.

Friday I woke up feeling much better but stil sickish. We laid in bed till noon then went to the MET. Came back and napped then Jeremy came home. We were going t go to dinner and a show. Well Jeremy also has this horrible problem with timing and listening. So dinner and a show turned into “let’s walk around the highline”. We did that for a while then eventually got a Quick dinner and got to the show just as it was letting in. I had told him MULTIPLE times that i watned to be there at least 45 minutes early so that we could get good seats. That didn’t happen. Also the show wasn’t that great.

Though I’m pretty sure that Calvin really enjoyed his first improv. We went back to Jeremy’s place after that and got yogurt. Then the second horrible part of the weekend started. Calving started throwing up!

He threw up all night long… Saturday morning he was being a strong boy and we went out for a bit. I suggested stuff, Jeremy rolled his eyes and suggested other stuff. It was really annoying trying to agree on something. I mean really, I’m here visiting. Don’t roll your eyes at what I wanted to do. Calvin and I BOTH wanted to go to the botanical garden. We didn’t get to. We ended up walking around and around in the damn city. Taking a water taxi and going to a food vendor thing. ALL stuff that is NOT good for Calvin’s stomach! And I had to keep telling jeremy to slow down while walking.

I think that Clo enjoyed the day but I could tell he was just being a strong trooper. He went home after dinner and slept while Jeremy and I went to this Flying Burlesque show. Again I told him I wanted to be early so that we could get good seats. Again we were late and ended up standing. Only stayed an hour. I’m sure if we had seats and stayed longer it would have been more fun.

Got back and slept my last night holding Calvin. Running my fingers over his face, kissing his forehead, his back, his arms. He’s so beautiful. So amazing, so nice. We got to know each other in such an intimite setting this weekend. So closely so quickly.

We woke up on Sunday and packed and left. Breakfast was a sad affair and then I took him to the bus stop. At least this part of the trip went as planned. The one part that I wish had been fucked up, missing bus, late bus, cancelled bus, tickets for the wrong day, etc. Anything to keep Calvin in my arms longer.

But it came and went. I stood with him in line, holding his hand, kissing him until he got to the door. I gave him one last tight hug and kiss and sent him off. Not knowing when I’ll next see him. I teared up a little while waiking away from him there.

This weekend, even with all the sickness, annoyances, etc has been amazing. Only having him here, seeing him, getting to know him so much better. He’s such an amazing person. I can’t wait to see him again. I only wish I knew when that would be.

I can’t wait to get home and skype him to see his face again!

That afternoon Jeremy and I went bouldering in central park, saw billy elliot, went back to his place. It was all pretty solumn and sad without Clo there…

Why is it that I find guys I like that aren’t accessible long term to me.

Dating!

I _HATE_ dating. I went on two dates this weekend. They both sucked.

You know what I hate even more… Dating as a POZ guy. Ugh. When do you tell someone. What happens when I do tell them and they freak out and dump me. Ugh. This process is going to be even more depressing then normal dating.

What I hate even more then that.. Is seeing these guys on A4A, grindr, etc that say “partnered” and are still looking for sex. I treated eric so well, I loved him, was committed to him and never did anything to hurt him. And yet he still couldn’t love me. Fuck my life.

A Week…

It’s been a week since it happened. There have been some ups and downs. The ups are good, the downs are bad….

Today something else bad happened, Sophia and Brian broke up. Sad. Mommy and Daddy broke up, now our children are breaking up.

Ugh.

I skipped work Friday and went climbing, had an amazing time. This guy Martin Dang came out climbing. He’s so cute and so confusing! He’s got a girlfriend, but seems to be very interested in men as well. Climbed with him last night too and he pushed me hard. I’m actually sore today!

Eric and I had talked a little up till Monday night. He said he wanted to go to couples therapy. When I dug into it with him he didn’t want to work things out, so that was the end of that BS.

I’m going to Peru! I can’t wait. I really wish I could call Aaron and tell him. He’d be so happy! I’ll be flying LAX -> Lima -> NYC -> LAX. I’ll also be driving down to Ica. This should be one crazy mofo trip. I’m really kind of stressed out about it though because it’s now happening so close to the closing date on the house and if everything isn’t ready then I’m not sure what’s going to happen! It’ll all be a little crazy crazy!

I can’t recall if I wrote about it or not, but I met this guy in Toronto, Calvin. He’s a dr student. Really cool. When I told him ECH and I broke up we’ve been chatting a lot more. He’s going to come to NYC to visit me when I’m there! So exciting! He’s a great guy. Of course I also can’t wait to see Jeremy in NYC! I wish he weren’t so confusing as well. He’s also a great guy that I’d love to have an opportunity with.

I’ve also been talking to a lot of other old friends, it’s been nice. I can’t wait to start hanging out with them all more. Should be fun.

Ugh.. Single, homeowner.. Insanity!

The end of ECH

Last saturday we got into a fight about him being unable to love. Our agreement was that he’d go get counseling, maybe we’d do couples therapy. We’d work through it.

Tuesday he tells me he “googled ‘what is love'” and that we needed to talk.

He got him shortly after me. I was sitting on the couch just like always. He came over and cuddled up next to me. We kissed. Little did I know that’d be the last time. The last time he’d come in the apartment and say “hellllooo” like he always did. The last time I’d feel his warm body next to mine, his lips on my lips.

The last time he’d try and sneak in and scare me.

He pulled out of his pocket a check list of ‘what is love’. Something some 12 year old girl probably put together after reading twilight.

He said we only had 5 of the like 20 things on that list. Only 5. So that he wanted to end it “because i deserved someone who could love me back”. That’s such BS. He’s showed me how much he’s cared over all these months. The time we spend together, the way his face lights up when he sees me. The way when I get back from a trip he scampers over to hug and kiss me. How can he say that’s not love or at least that there’s something there enough to care and try to work this out.

He packed his things and just left. I can’t believe how easily he just walked out that door. How quickly he changed his facebook status, how quickly he removed me from his google calendar.

It’s just over like that.

After everything I’ve given him. Every day I was so happy to wake up next to him. To kiss him on the back, to kiss his face while he slept. Every night I was so happy to hold him and to say goodnight to him, to see him come through the front door of my apartment and to hug and kiss. I loved holding his hand while we drove places, making him dinner and purposly making extras so that he had lunch for the next day, going to every improv show he had to show my support for him.

How on earth can that not be enough for him, how can that not be worth fighting for, to work together to get though this for. How can that not be enough to love. I really truly gave him EVERYTHING I could. I didn’t want to fuck this one up. I gave it all. I tried as hard as I could to make him happy to realize how great I am.

If all of that isn’t enough to make him happy then how am I ever going to find another person who will be happy with me. Especially now after becoming HIV+. HOW am I going to find someone to accept me, to love me.

And now, after all this. I’ve never known a night alone in my current apartment. It’s so hard to be there by myself. Last night I took a sleeping pill and still couldn’t sleep! It’s so depressing.

What am I going to do with a giant three bedroom house to myself. What on earth! Here i’ve had these delusions of having him live with me in that house, of us being happy and getting older. I have to admit that starting a family even crossed my mind. And now…

And now it’s all gone.

How long to wait…

We’ve been dating for nearly 8 months, really over 8ish months. He still can’t say “I love you”. I’ve said it to him many times, but I stopped because he never said it back.

How long am I expected to wait. He clearly shows how much he cares about me, but it hurts that he can’t SAY what he feels. He says “I don’t know what love is”. What the fuck is that. I’m getting really tired of it. Also I’m getting tired of the lack of sex or his enthusiasm when making out, cuddling, etc.

Making out with him is like bella making out with the vampire. All I get are pecks on the lips, etc. No real passionate making out, kissing, etc and when we do rarely do stuff it’s very bland. Kiss/jackoff/dildos. Very boring. Even before the HIV thing our sex life was bland and boring, now it’s a million times worse.

I don’t even know how to talk to him about this stuff. He’s always so awkward when trying to explain relationship issues to him and he brings up things that have nothing to do with what our discussion is about. Ugh.

I mean I really care and enjoy being around him. I’m happy when I see him but I hate that he can’t express ANYTHING. Even lately he’s been so dead when we sleep in bed. He just lays there with his arms across his chest. We used to cuddle all night long. What’s happened.

The house thing is moving along at far to slow of a process for me. Things need to move faster! I also hate how crappy the information process is with the whole loan/escrow/etc. Why can’t they make this process easier. And so many charges! Stupid charges.

I can’t help but think this is a huge mistake and also at the same time a great thing. I know buying a house has been my dream for a long time but with the money I’m going to be sinking into it, my life goes away. My ability to up and leave, to travel where and when I want. To be young and free again. I could have invested this money in 4 or 5 more rental properties easily. I hope I’m doing the right thing.

When I was in Toronto I met this guy, Calvin Lo, he let me sleep on his couch when I needed it. He’s a doctor student. He was just leaving for Kenya to volunteer at a medical clinic. Ever since I’ve been chatting with him. It’s made me wonder if I’m doing the right thing in life. Working in the corporate world, making money, living for work. I’ve never wanted this in my life but yet here I am. Working my ass off, day after day after day for a company that doesn’t seem to get staying ahead of the game. Everything is a critical mass melt down around here. EVen when I try to get them to plan for things, they fail. Even when I warn them of problems, they fail. How this company continues to operate is sometimes a mystery to me. Probably momentum. But eventually the bullshit will catch up. Someone will fuck up and we’ll be shut down. Since I stated we’ve nearly averted disaster 3 or 4 times. That’s not good. We were warned about the disaster weeks/months ahead of time. Had they taken the time to do something, it would not have been an issue at all. And yet, here we are again, coming up on diaster. It will again be on my shoulders to fix it.

The point is, I feel like I need to get out for awhile. Away from the realities of corporate america. Do some good in the world, travel and take some time for myself, to help other people again.

This brings up another point about eric. His lack of motivation. He’s not motivated to do anything. He goes through life just doing not advancing, not trying to be better. He says he wants to get stronger, to do this to do that. But he has no motivation to do anything. He doesn’t want to expand his career, etc. It bothers me a lot.