March 3, 2001

march 3. omg, i’m so tired. so i got home last night at 5 or

so. went up to my room to put my stuff away, and found that none of my stuff

was in *my* room. And there in the middle of *my* room was standing my brother,

with all his shit in *my* room. i was so fucking pissed. they couldn’t have

at least told me, before i got home, or waited untill i got home to let him

move in, but ya know that still doesn’t make up for it. it’s *my* room, i

may not live here all the time anymore, but it’s still *my* room. it’s his

own damn fault he didn’t choose that room wehn we moved in this house. he

had the chance, but he choose the smallest room in the fucking house as his

bed room. so i took that room, the fucking bastard. god damnit that really

pisses me off, it’s *my* room. damnit. so i left here at like 7 or so and went to xak’s, hehe. we went to java joe’s but it was boring there that early

so we went and wondered the sky walks in des moines for a while. ok a couple

hours. i swear we walked the entire system, lol but it was cool, there we

alot of weird people there, and then we went to this big hotel and sat next

to the pool for a while. oh and apparently i neglected to tell people that

this was my spring break week. so yeah. well you know now, lol. and we went

to wal mart and hung out there for a while, and we saw mandy and julian and

some other people, that was cool. then julian, xak, dean, and i drove round

ankeny for a while. ya know i don’t understand why people are so affraid of

my driving, i’ve only been in the ditch once, and that really wasn’t *my*

fault, it was really bad weather. and i’ve only been in one accident and that

wasn’t my fualy either. damnit. lol. Then i went back to xak’s and we watched

the nightmare before christmas, that is such a cool movie, it’s been so long

since i’ve seen it. then i drove home at like 3 or something, it was really

foggy, there were a few spots where you couldn’t even see two feet out the

window, it was really bad, but i got home safe. and then i went and sat in

the hot tub for a couple hours. i finaly got to bed like 5 or so. and ya know,

i really can’t sleep past 9:30. since wed night, i’ve had maybe 6 hours of

sleep, and yet this morning at 9:30 i was wide awake, and here i am, still

going, lol. My parents want me to go out with them tonight, i really don’t

want to. yucky. boring, i wanted to go out again tonight with all them. i

haven’t really seen them all in so long, or been able to talk to them really.

but o well, parents have the ultimate say, i guess. I’m going to leave for

lenox tomorrow sometime. prob like 11 or so, maybe as soon as i get up. i

really want to call danny today.

March 1, 2001

March 1. Professors are stupid. Ok, not all of them are, but

most of them are. My American government professor is really stupid. he neglected

to tell the class that he was going to be in OK today. and that we weren’t

haveing class. so everyone showed up and sat there for the 15 minutes. ARG.

i couldn’t slept in longer. damnit. I also talked to the people that were

offering me the job in philly. sounds like i pretty much have it, but i have

to decide where i want to work. he was talking to be about working C.O.P.E. that would be tons of fun. but i don’t know. for those that don’t know what

C.O.P.E. is it stands for Challenging Outdoor Personal Experience. It’s basically

a team building and push yourself to the limits exercise, it’s a ton of fun.

i got to do it at the best C.O.P.E. course in the country last summer. that

was great. There’s bassically three different levels. the begining, the low

course and the high course. The begining is basically playing all kinds of

games, games that show leadership and team cooperation and stuff like that.

and then you move to the low course which is where you basically walk a crouse

logs and other various objects, but it’s harder then that, you have to figure

out how to get from one spot to the next and get everyone there. and there

are other tricks to it that makes it hard. that’s is basically building trust

in your team members. becuase if you fall they have to catch you, etc. then

you move to the high course. located of course HIGH, everything on the high

course is about 50-100 feet off the ground. it’s pretty amazing. and there

are all kinds of ropes courses and other stuff that you have to do. this is

the part where you build your confidence etc. because you have to trust in

your self that you can make it, you are attachted to a balay (sp?) but that’s

there just in case you fall and if you do you’re pulled back up to the spot

where you fell and you continue on the course. it’s a ton of fun, really it

is. but it’s also alot of work for those that work it and can be dangerous.

the confidense pole and the flying squeral are the best but also the worst

to get people to do. but once you do it you want to keep doing it again and

again. i remember the first time i did the flying squarel i was scared to

death, and they were counting down to “launch” and they hit one

and i took off. and they fucking dropped me. but once they got my up to the

top (about 150 feet where i was), you have to BEST view it was so cool i didn’t

want down, lol. and then to get down from there you have to sing a song. i

sung “ging gang gooley”. lol. it was great. Fuel is going to be

in lincoln on the 31st. i wish i had money i would drive down there and see

them. damnit. i want money.

Feb 28, 2001

So the Boy Scouts. hmmmm, Do i really want to work for

them? i don’t know, do i. I talked to the guy from philly today. he said i

could work C.O.P.E. which would be REALLY cool. but that would be alot of

hard work and such. but it hink it would be fun. i have to let him know by

friday. I think it would be sooooooo cool to work out there. i also have a

meeting with Ely Brewer (the scout executive for mid-iowa council, in other

words the HEAD BOSS MAN, lol.)next friday, that’s scary, first i don’t like

ely to begnin with, hes an ass. and second i don’t know what it’s about. That’s

bad. very, very bad. other then that not much else going on here, danny called

and woke me up this morning, that was cool, lol. good thing too cause i might

have just slept in and missed my first class, my alarm didn’t go off like

it should have. i think my roomie got pissed though, cause the phone kept

ringing, the thing he was using to call me cut us off every 5 minutes, lol.

Feb 27, 2001

So Roommates suck, VB sucks, Accouting is cool (only

cause they cancelled Class today), Dr. Laura should be shot. the boy scouts

are nuts. My parents are annoying. Bennett is nuts. and “group”

projects suck. just so we are all clear on that. k, now to explain, it’s 5:17

and my roomie is still fucking in bed, how annoying is that. VB sucks cause

we never learn anything new in it, today we went over reading and writing

to files, something that i have known how to do forever. and he argued with

me on how to store a birthdate, i said you should store it in julian days

and he insisted on storing it in a string format, everyone knows that you

should store dates in julian days, it’s just esier that way, damnit. lol.

and even julian agrees with me. lol. damnit. Dr Laura talked at some republican

convention this morning and made a complete ass of her self and she spouted

off more of her garbage about gays being biological errors and such, stupid

bitch, sometimes i listen to her show when i’m in my car and within like 5

minutes i’m fuckig SCREAMING at the radio, i can’t beleive people actually

listen to her advice, My PU’s listen to it all the time, scary. And the other

day i got an invitation to work over seas this summer, you know that;s just

nuts cause they are fucking sending me this shit. and stuff but ya know if

they knew the REAL me they would kick me out, pronto. bastards. Why am i now

so popular that everyone wants me. Right now two councils are in a bidding

war to get me to come work for them, granted a bidding war in the scouts isn’t

much, i’ll maybe top out at $5.00 an hour. but that would be pretty good.

And now this, they want me to go over seas and work, it’s a thing only about

500 scouts a year get to do, they go to like the UK and all over europe and

such, it’s really cool, but i don’t think i would want to do it. i don’t know

i’ll have to think it over. My Pu’s are annoying cause they can never plan

things ahead of time, and get on top of things, it’s like damnit get yo ass

in gear. I’ve bitched about that before so i won’t now. and bennett isnuts

cause he wants me to come in on Thursday night next week to reinstall the

server. it’s like that’s going to take me all night to get it done. and during

the school week? he want’s to do it DURING the school week, now that’s just

nuts, he used to not even let me reboot during the school week. o well. i guess he *really* wants this done. i’ll have to get a phone number there though

so people can call me. and group projects suck because we were put in these

groups for a programming assingment and since i’m the only one that knows

what i’m doing i ended up doing all most all of th programming, i tired to

make them do some of it but i got annoyed with haveing to tell them every

little thing to type and such and said damnit, it’ll be faster if i just type

so i started typing and they weren’t helping any so i just brought it back

here and finished it, it wasn’t to hard took maybe like 30 minutes, but yeah,

it was annoying, stupid people. i don’t see how you can’t understand VB, a

fucking 2 year-old could do it. And the stuff i was doing in thie program

was fucking easier then shit. ARG. i miss danny, it’s amazing i haven’t talked

to him since sunday morning (about 12:30) so almost three days, but i miss

him so much, i miss hearing his voice i miss just talking to him. i wish sometime

we could just like sit down and talk for hours on the phone. we were going

to do that sunday night, cause i had called him, and was like i don’t care

what my PU’s think. but his PU’s called him away somewhere, hope he didn’t

get in trouble. i really do. i miss him.

Feb 26, 2001

over the last 6 months i have really learned alot about

myself, about the world, and about stuff that i have missed all these years

of my life. i have missed our on who i am. on what my life is. I’ve been here

for 6 monrhts, 6 months. i’ll he here for a total of 9 months. but i’ve already

been here for 6 months. and i’ve realized how much my life really sucks. i

only know 5 peopler here, but there names only 5, i’ve been ehre for 6 months

and i only know 5 people that i can actually go up to and say, hey you wanna

go hang out some time. only 5, i’ve been here 6 fucking months. I don’t know

why i’m like this. i want to meet people, i want to go out more, i want to

live my life. but i think that as long as i’m stuck in this closet, as long

as i’m stuck with these people. that i won’t be able to live my life the way

i want to. 6 months. on march 8 i’ll have known danny for 7 months. i’m pretty

sure that’s the day. yet i only know him as a voice a personality, and i love

both of those, i love his voice and his personality. but i don’t know what

he looks like. i don’t know what i truely feel for him, is it true love, or

is it just lust? i don’t know. i hope it’s triue love. I always say that it’s

what’s inside that counts. and i believe that. as much as i can. i try to

live by that. but we all know that that’s not always the way it works out.

I think about suicide alot. it’s not just recently either, for years i’ve

been thinking about suicide. and in a way i think i’m slowly killing myself.

by limiting what people know about me and the emotions that i show. when jo

died over a year ago now, i didn’t cry until the next day at school. it was

two days before my birthday that she died. two days. as i sti here tyrping

this i’m crying now. but then i didn’t cry until the next day at school. i

remember it. i was in the computer lab and one of the servers had crashed

so i was in the server room working on it. and i just sat there looking at

the screen. and Mrs. Houseman came in and closed the door allitte ways and

asked me what was wrong. and all i could do was cry. i juse sat there and

cried. it was two fucking days befor my b-day. we had gotten jo 9 years earlier,

on my b-day. when my greatgrandma died. i didn’t cry then either. that was

a long time ago. i was young and i don’t think i understood. during the summers

though i remember we would go to the nursiing home with my grandpa and just

hang around with her. we would spend the days there playing in her wheel chari,

my cousin and i racing each other up and down the hallways. god how i bet

she loved to see us there. but when she dies, i didn’t cry. why, i don’t know.

my life. what is the meaning of life. what was man put here on earth to do?

why are we here, why are we who we are? i don’t know, i don’t think anyone

knows. What makes the starts shine, what makes this computer work> what

makes us love, what makes us hate, what makes. what. What makes us live and

what makes us die. Why did matthew sheppard die, and why did i cry for him,

when i couldn’t even cry for my own great grandmother, or my lobing dohg of

9 years? why do i cry when movies have sad endings? i don’t know. Why do i

continue to support an orignization that, if they knew who i really was, they

would kick me out on the spot? an orginaization that i so love, and one that

is currently trying it’s hardest to get ME to come and work for it? why do

i love it so much, and why does it hate me so much>? All these why’s? and

not a single answer. why, why, why. When italk to danny, it makes me so happy.

i feel like there’s a part of me missing, a huge part, and when i talk to

him, that part is there. It’s makes me so happy to hear his voice. sometimes

when i’m on the phone withi him, i’m holding back all these tears, tears of

joy, that he is there. someone i can talk to, someone that i love. I don’t

really know him at all, i know his voice, i know some of his personality,

but i don’t really kow *him* do i? liek the songs goes, “on the telephone

line i can be anyone, any hieght, any age i wanna be” i so wish i could

meet him and see who he is, get to know him in person. i do love what i know

of him now. and think that if we were to meet in real like, i hope we would

get along. But oh, so do i want to meet him. I would do anything to get to

see him. “This journal has become a litany of my complaints. Am I really

this whiny? I really should try and write something more positive, Oh well

maybe tomorrow” — Melanie’s “QaF” Character Journal.