Author: Cj B

I do not get the dating game… I need a cheat code for it. Why does everything have to be a game.

Boy A likes Boy B. Why can they not just say that, be open about it and not fucking play games!

Thumper and I made a FOURTH date. He cancelled again. I haven’t heard from him since. He has today off. I was so into him, I already know him in person. He sends me lots of cute pics, we were chatting non-stop for weeks now. I just do not get it.

Then, on Monday fucking ARMY txts me while I’m at the gym. He says “I miss my Daddy” with a crying emoji face. I txt him back, “Are you fucking drunk”. He facetimes me. We end up chatting for 3 hours on FT.

Then we go by a few days, very little chatting then last night I’m sitting here after my cancelled date and Army facetime out of the blue. We chatted for about 30 minutes.

WTF!? BOYS!

Then all these guys “match” me on tinder and then never reply to messages. Same with OKCupid, no replies.

I had my second PT today. He gave me some more exercises but said that my knee was getting stronger already. I told him I’m not feeling anything different.

Been going to the gym daily. I feel like there’s some improvement already.

I’m so bored at work! I need a new career. The last two jobs I’ve been insanely bored. Mostly because the “projects” they hire me to do, never actually happen. So I end up being a desktop support person. Which is NOT what I want to be doing with my life. For example. Today I installed O365 on someone’s computer and then I showed another person how to create a rule in Outlook. ::shoot me::

There’s a lot of stuff I could be doing but I do not want to do. It’s just menial IT administration tasks. I want to be doing projects, managing things, etc. Not doing inventory.

I’ve been reviewing resumes and there’s so many people with all these certifications. I swear they must just CRAM for them, pass the test then put it on resume. There’s no way you can have enough knowledge to have MSSQL, CCNA, COMPTIA, etc all in one person. I also had someone with SIX fucking AA degrees!

I took the entry level compTIA test yesterday, with no studying or anything. Just decided to go for it. I got 62%. If I had got one or two more questions right, I could have passed it. Certifications are BS, IMHO.

I said earlier that I’ve been debating going back for my MBA, but I just am not sure it’s worth it. Will it get me anything better? Honestly I feel like I’ve lost my edge in the IT world. I need to get back up to speed but I’m just not sure how to do that.

Thumper and I have been chatting a lot this week. Doing the whole good morning/goodnight thing, talking about our days, what I like to do. Unlike Army who told me to “go watch youtube”. He’s also been sending me all these super adorable photos of him. Woof! We are going to hang out on Saturday evening, so I am excited for that. We will see what happens there.

Well this birthday has been pretty good so far.

Found some super cheap flights to PDX so I did that. It will actually end up costing me twice as much to board astra as it did to fly here for the weekend. Got in Friday and we just poked around, didn’t do much then went to a house warming party at some girls house. It was pretty crazy and fun and they had some yummy food.

Saturday we went to this air and space museum which has the spruce goose in it. That was amazing to see. I always knew it was HUGE but expected it to be even bigger then it was. We went out that night to the local gay strip bar. Which is always fun. Sadly I didn’t get a lap dance. 🙁

Sunday we hung out, baked a cake, did some other random stuff then had a birthday dinner for me. Had the normal group of people. It was fun but there was also some super awk-ness going on. Not sure what that was all about.

We also saw “Call me by your name” which was a really good movie but there was a lot of plot cut out and at times it was confusing. The guy who played Elio was hot.

Before I left town, I’ve reconnected with this guy Thumper. I’ve known him for a LONG time but we lost touch a few years ago. When we re-connected it was just like old times. He invited me over tonight after my flight lands, but he just txted me that he is feeling sick and wants to re-schedule. I am excited to see him again though.

Calvin messaged me for my birthday. I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas day when I found out about him and Will. It still hurts/pisses me off that he’s dating Will of all people. That is the equivalent of me dating Hut. I just don’t know if I really want him in my life any longer or not. I feel like I should not cut ties with him but at the same time….

Anyway, I need to eat before my flight. I”m out

I don’t know if this is normal or not but I have an issue with holding onto regrets. There are a few things that I still think about frequently that happened years ago, that I regret not working out differently that I wish I could go back and change. It’s probably not healthy.

#1 – Shortly after I moved to Los Angeles, I met this guy named David. We hung out a lot, he was into cars, he was going to school to become a lawyer, he was nerdy, he was super cute. We were pretty good friends and hung out as often as we could, considering he lived 2 hours away. But nothing ever went further then that. He moved to Texas a few years after meeting and we lost touch. About three years ago he txted me that he needed a place to crash close to LAX and asked if he could stop at my house. We had dinner that night and chatted a lot, come to find out we both had MAJOR crushes on each other back in the day. If only we had expressed that back then.

#2 – Calvin, I know this is still “recent” but I still think about it nearly daily and regret the decision we made. And now it’s too late to do anything about it.

#3 – obviously my status. I wish I had been smarter and not trusted the person I thought I could trust at the time. I regret this daily and wish I could just accept it and move on.

#4 – Constantine – this is something that’s bothered me for so long, he cheated on me while we were dating and here it is 7 years later and he’s still with that guy. Why in 7 years have I not been able to find the person I will be with long term. I know now that we would not have been a match long term, he likes way too fancy/nice of things ($1,000/night hotels, etc) which I could never have brought myself to support. But it just frustrates me that he’s there with this guy and I’m still single.

#5 – Army, this is still very recent but yet it’s also been going on for a few years now. I regret how things happened.

#6 – There’s a lot of little things through my childhood and HS years that still come to my mind every now and then that make me embarrassed/regretful. Which I just find weird but yet I cannot stop them from coming up every now and then.

I had two very intense dreams about both Army and Calvin last night. They just keep bringing things back to the forefront of my mind and make me upset about them both again. I need to take these interactions and learn from them… I’ve for sure let two amazing guys, maybe three, slip through my grasp in years past. I need to just take things by the balls and not let it happen again.

No more regrets.