Author: Cj B

Aug 07, 2001 #2

Aug 7 #2, [Bob Seger, "We’ve Got Tonight"]

There’s alot of hot guys in Ames. I mean _alot_ of _really_ hot guys up

there. I’m going to like that aspect of things. lol. My mom and I just drove

up there to look at an apartment. I really hate driving with her in the

car, everytime I come within 500 feet of another vehicle she’s like, "Back

off, you don’t need to be that close" and blah blah blah. Another thing

is that she’s constantly telling me to "Slow down" I was doing

60 in a 55, and she said, "You don’t need to be going 60." And

everytime the person infront of us puts thier brakes on, she goes "AHHH,

SLOW DOWN" and I mean she fucking screams. It’s like calm the fuck

down woman, Jesus.

Today I went to the GLRC with Angie and Xak. That Alijah (sp) guy was there,

he’s pretty cute. We played this one game too, it was amusing as hell. On

the way back Angie was doing like 80 all the way cause she didn’t want to

be late for work. She was late anyhow, but whatever. It works. lol.

Why can no one ever do what they say they’re going to do. I’ve made so

many plans some times, and people either, A) Don’t call like they said they

would, or B) Call and say that they can’t do what ever it was, and they

call at the last minute. It’s like, you knew for a while that you wouldn’t

be able to do it, sometimes they even know when they set things up that

they wouldn’t be able to do whatever it was, so then why do they set it

up? I really hate people that say they’ll call and then don’t though, cause

that just gets on my nerves. If they say that they’re going to call, then

they should call, even if it’s to say that they can’t make it to whatever

we had planned, it’d just be the nice thing to do, rather then letting the

person sit around waiting for them to call like they said they would. Grrr.

Sometimes people just realy annoy me.

I finished that erotic story that I started yesterday. I’ve had a couple

people read it and they said it was pretty good. I don’t really like the

way that it turned out cause I couldn’t think of a good opening. And towards

the end I just got bored, so I flew though the ending of it. But there’s

som egood things in it. I submitted it to Nifty, so we’ll see if it get’s

put up. I should know in about a week or so.

My dad bitched at me today about not getting my car fixed. He was complaining

cause I didn’t know what I was going to do with it. I mean, I don’t have

the money to do anything with it right now, and yet they won’t help me out

with it. They won’t help me pay for it, or help me find somewhere that can

help me fix it, they won’t even cosign a loan, so how the hell am I going

to get one if that’s what it comes to? But back to the bitching, he was

bitching cause he just paid insurance on it and bitched that if I wasn’t

going to fix it that he’d cancel the insurance, and I said that if i had

the money to fix it, I’d fix it, but I don’t and then he just went off on

a tangent about that and yeah, that went on for a while. Grrr.

I was hoping to be able to go to Adam’s tonight to help him out with his

website. Mostly cause I want to help him out, but also because I want some

personal time to talk with him. I called him about 8:45 or so, but no one

answered the phone there. I’m not really wanting to call his cell phone

though, cause I feel bad about using his minutes

For some reason in my life right now I feel kinda left out, I know I’m

not being left out, but I feel as though I am sometimes. Even if I am with

people, I feel as though I’m being left out of what’s going on with them,

there at that time. Sometimes though I really do feel as though I’m left

out of things. People will say, "Oh remember the other day when it

was me and X and Y and Z." And I’m like no, I wasn’t there. Why didn’t

you call me if you were all going out. I think this all should go back up

with the people not calling or doing stuff like they say they would.

What’s up with me and these long updates lately? It’s just been kinda random

thoughts and such. I want to go out tonight, but I don’t really want to

call anyone. I know that most people are already out doing stuff for the

night and I most likely won’t find anyone around. Oh well. Maybe I’ll just

go to Java Joes or something tonight. I also have that book that I could

read. But I’m not in the mood to read it right now. We’ll see what happens.

I’m temped to just head up to camp and see what’s going on up there, but

I bet that everyone I’d want to talk to will be gone.

Grrr. Bad times in my head.

Aug 07, 2001

Aug 7, [New Radicals, "Someday We’ll Know"]

Ok, well it’s not really Aug 7 yet, but it’s damn close enough and I didn’t

feel like making a second update for Aug 6, cause well that’s just to much

work. Today’s been pretty good. Adam was going to come over here this morning

at like 10 or something, but he can never keep apointments, and he slept

in. So I guess Angie called him and told his mom that he was supposed to

bring her over here, and Adam’s mom wouldn’t let him leave, cause well he’s

grounded. So that fucked up those plans, I guess it’s better that way cause

I didn’t get out of bed tell 11:00 anyway. Then this afternoon Angie came

over and picked me up and we went back to her house. We hung out there for

a while and then went car shopping at the place Nick (Is that how he spells

it?) works at. There was some really assholeic guy working there and once

he found out that we weren’t actually going to buy something (which, when

he first walked up, I said, "We’re just looking") got really bitchy

with us. So we left. After that we went over to Adam’s house and hung out

there for a while. Angie and I left cause, well I was getting sad. We were

in his room most of the time, and Angie and him were cuddling, and that

just really made me sad cause, that used to be me, and now I don’t feel

comfortable around him when they are doing that. And even though it’s just

him and Angie, I don’t feel comfortable joining in either. So I felt left

out. And by the way, today Adam made a comment in his journal that everyone

feeds off messing up his hair,

and I just want to say that I only mess it up when he tells me I can, thanks.

(I think he’s alot cuter though when he doesn’t have all that gook in his

hair). But after we left there, Angie and I went to get some food and then

we headed back to my house to watch movies. We watched that one, the Hidden

Dragon. It was really fucked up. I didn’t follow it at all. Well, alright,

I got the basic jist of it. Then Xak called and came over and we watched

Power Puff Girls. That was amussing cause I’ve never seen any of them. They

were great.

I got a letter today from the housing department at ISU. They said I’d

probably get stuck in temporary housing for a time then I’d get moved into

a dorm somewhere, that’s going to really suck cause we’ll, I’ll have two

different roommates, I’ll have to move sometime. And yeah, just generally

sucky arrangments. I’m really not looking forward to school to start again.

I hope it’s a good semester, but I have a feeling it won’t be.

I want to go up to camp sometime this week. It’s the last week of Cub /

Webelos camp and I want to see how things are going with them all. I also

want to get one last time to walk around camp and just enjoy it. I wish

I still had someone special in my life to go up there with me to share it.

But I don’t so some night I’m going to go up there late and just hang out

for a while. It should be good times.

This is just like random thought night. There’s alot of things I want to

get done this summer before school starts, but I know I most likely won’t

get them done. My horroscope says that I need someone in my life that has

alot of energy cause I have all these things that I need to get done, and

ideas that I have, but I never have the time, or energy to actually get

them done. We’ll see what happens. I’m having feelings that this summer

I haven’t gotten anything done. Yet I know that I have. I’ve taken that

step to remove Scouts from my life. I’ve opened up to alot of people about

who I am and what my life is about. I’ve had alot of firsts this summer.

My first Bf and other such personal things as the major one, but there’s

been alot of them. Many more then I can really remember right now, or want

to remember really. It’s been a productive summer, yet it feels as though

nothings been done, maybe because I don’t really have anything to show for

it. I’m still the same person as I started out the summer, and I really

have nothing to show for what’s happened this summer, other then the journal.

But that’s really nothing much. It has all my feelings, but I haven’t been

able to express those feelings in other ways, other then here on the journal.

I don’t really know.

I guess the scouting’s populas has degraded alot since the high courts

ruling about the gay issue. It’s down almost 4.5% in one year. And that’s

just an average, in the northeast it’s down 7.8%. It’s even down 3.5% in

the south, which is where the scouts are supported by just about every church

and other youth orginization around. There’s a really good article about

the scouts in Aug 6 edition of Newsweek I think everyone should go

read it.

My grandma sent me an e-mail today. She really needs to learn how to form

complete sentences and thoughts. She just jumps from one subject to the

next in one sentence right after another. Here’s a sampling: Knew

one time you were talking apartment. Won’t be long now before it starts,

will it? Larry’s gave us some apples so made a pie and have been freezing

applesauce. What the hell is that? I mean, I know that I go from

thought to thought, but man, that’s just messed up. She really needs to

learn how to do this stuff. You know what’s really funny though, the subject

line says "hot" but it says nothing about it being hot in the

message. What is up with that? My grandma is just crazy.

I got a book today from Adam, well really I’m supposed to be taking it

back to the GLRC tomorrow, but I’m going to keep it and read it. It’s the

book that Ellen Degeneres wrote. Adam said it was really good, but we’ll

see. I’m not much of a book person, so it takes a really good book to keep

my attention.

I have tell Wed off, which is nice, well it kinda sucks cause Adam’s grounded

and I don’t have a car. So it gets kinda boring here during the day, but

at night it’s nice to not have to worry about working. I guess Marlin bitched

about me so they aren’t scheduling us together anymore, which is nice, cause

I hated his guts anyhow. But I want to know what he bitched about, cause

I’ve been nothing but nice to him. That fat asshole. grrr. Next week’s going

to really suck though cause I’m working mornings some days and overnights

other days. And I work Saturday overnight, and that Saturday is the last

Saturday night I’ll be in town for a while, so yeah. grrr at them.

My mom seems to be really supportive of my choices in my life. She really

likes Adam and such, she keeps asking me questions about him. I don’t think

she’s gotten that we’ve broken up, but then how could she tell a difference,

I think I spend more time with him now then I did. She also asked me the

other day wether I wanted to be active in scouting any more, I told her

I’d help out if they _needed_ me but I’d rather not be. And she said that

was cool. I’m happy that things are going good with them. I just wish they’d

actually talk to me about it. I’m not really ready to bring it up to them,

and I told them in the letter that I sent them when i came out that when

they felt comfortable talking to me about it that they could come and talk

to me. I think I should tell them that my aunt and cousin know, that might

help them out abit.

I guess Adam’s going to get high this Friday. Part of me says that I should

be there to see it cause it’ll be amusing, but another part of me says I

shouldn’t go. I think that if I’m off work by the time they do it I’d like

to be there, maybe I’ll try it. I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to

be high. But I’ve never had the guts to do it. That goes back to the whole,

having lots of ideas, but never acting on them thing that I wrote about

up above.

I’m going to have to reboot my computer here soon. It’s starting to be

all slow and things are starting to crash, well only AT&T crashes when

I sign on, but that’s nothing really big. I can still get on the internet.

But still, it’s been up for almost 30 days now without being shut off. So

I think it’s time I give it a break. I really love having Win2k on here,

it’s so great. No reboots, hehe. One of the lackeys from NP has been e-mailing

me about getting POP working on Comet B, Comet C, and Shoemaker, but since

they installed RH 7.1 and it uses a different version of IMAP then I’m used

to I can’t really help them without seeing it and I don’t really want go

in there, cause then they’ll give me a list of other things to fix while

I’m there. I really don’t want to help them any more, I enjoy it, but if

I help them once, I’ll get suck helping them with alot of other things I

don’t have the time for.

There’s alot of other stuff that I wanted to write about when I first started

this, but I’ve forgotten it all. So I’m going to go post this so Adam can

read it, cause I want his feed back on it.

[Added revision, 30 minutes later] After I wrote this update Adam started

acting wierd. I don’t really know what the hell it was all about, but it

was starting to piss me off. Then he just started sending random messages

and then signed off. The little twat. (Changing topics completely) I’m in

the mood to write an erotic story, but I just can’t get going, well actually

I had a pretty good start, but then Adam started acting wierd and worried

me. So I lost my train of thought, oh well, maybe laters. Now I’m just worried

as to what the hell Adam’s fucking doing.

Aug 06, 2001

Aug 6, [Alanis Morissette, "You Learn"]

So tonight’s been pretty cool. I worked today from 10 tell 4 and I was

by myself for 4 hours of that. grr. I did about $5,000 in sales during that

time. I had lines from one side of the store to the other end, and I was

working both registers at once. After work I came home and begged my dad

to let Adam have some of his wonderful Koi. He told me no at first and that

they were like his children and that he didn’t want to let any of them go

yet. I was like, they’re just fucking fish. Then he went out there and got

two fish and put them in a bag, and told me to take them to Adam, they looked

like minnows to me, but I wasn’t going to argue with him, so I took them

over to Adam. He agreed with me that they looked like minnows, and I guess

he’s now lost them already, so whatever. I’ll let him come over some time

and steal, I mean borrow, one out of the pond. After that we hung out at

his house, that was amusing times. Then they wanted supper, so I left. I

came home and hung out here for like 10 minutes then I went over to Xak’s

and we called Vero and she came over and we watched Mallrats. That’s one

messed up movie. After that I came home and here I am now.

I’ve been in a fairly good mood lately. Everyonce in a while I hve troubles

getting to sleep cause I’m depressed, but other then that it’s been mostly

good. Things seem to be working themselves out. I’ve still got alot to talk

about to people. Not just Adam (although we do have _alot_ to talk about),

but other people as well. Life is starting to look better, although, I’m

not really looking forward to school starting. Unlike last year, where I

just couldn’t wait for it to start. I’m going to bed now.

Aug 05, 2001

Aug 5, [U2, "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me]

Well incase you hadn’t noticed this is the new URL for my site. I moved

over to Fateback cause they have more space, and no pop-up ads. I was also

going to switch over to Blogger, but then I realized something wouldn’t

work (I forget what it was now, but at the time it seemed like an important

thing and a good reason to not switch). So yeah. Welcome to the new site.

Sorry if anything doesn’t work and what not. E-mail me and tell me if you

find something to be broken. Such as colours, cause I’m changing ths scheme

back to black and white. I hate this blue shit.

Aug 04, 2001

Aug 4, [Evan And Jaron, "Crazy For This Girl"]

Tonight’s been full of much thinking. I got off work and came home. I told

Angie last night that I’d call Adam when I got off work and arange a chat

with him tonight so we could talk some things out that have been going though

my head lately. But I got home and the parents started bitching at me about

shit that I didn’t really care about. But after they were done bitching

we ate supper and then my mom and I went out shopping. It was pretty cool.

I actually got some things that I like. We didn’t get home tell 8 and by

that time I figured it was to late to call Adam cause he probably already

had plans for the night. So I just hung out here tell about 9ish when I

got on and saw that Adam was on. So we chatted for a bit. Nothing much really.

After that I went and watched TV. But I got an urge for a latte, so I went

down to Java Joe’s. No one was there that I knew, so I got what I wanted

and headed off to my car. While I was on my way there, I ran into Angie

and Mary and her bf. So we went back to Java Joe’s and hung out there. Here’s

where the much thinking part comes in: I’ve been hanging out with the same

people forever. The same people in HS, the same people now. Granted we’ve

all changed alot. But we’re still the same people, and our relationships

aren’t going to last forever, there’s going to come a time when we all go

our seperate ways and tonight, I think, it’s starting to show. Where was

everyone tonight, it used to be (just earlier this summer) that everynight

we were hanging out in a big group, but now, it’s just small groups of us,

and we don’t really do anything. What scares me though, is that when that

time comes, the time when we all go our seperate ways, is that I won’t have

anyone left then. I’m not a very social person. It’s the way I am. I can’t

just go up to someone and say, "Hey, I’m Chris" like Angie and

Adam can. I just _can’t_ do it. It’s not me, and it really sucks. The only

friends that I have are the ones that are in this group, this small group

of people. I need to expand who I know. But it’s hard for me. I’m not a

talkitive person. I really hate that right now, I wish I could change that,

and I’ve tried, I really have, but I can’t do it. I know alot of people,

but I don’t, or can’t consider them my friends. Like I know Tara and Jessica.

But I don’t really feel as though I can consider them friends. They’re Adam’s

friends, I know them through him, and that’s the only way I know them. They

aren’t people that I would just call up and say, "Hey, wanna do something

tonight." And that’s the way it continues. Everyone that I know I’ve

met through someone else. My group of freinds that I hang out with now started

when I was in Cub Scouts, with Marry as the leader, and Luke and all those

guys were in it. Through them I met Nic, and Xak, and those guys, and then

though them I met Julian and Angie and everyone else. And the web continues,

but for me, it’s not getting bigger, it’s just spreading out. (If that makes

any sense, I know what I’m talking about). I think that’s another reason

why I like hanging around Adam and Angie so much is that they are the kind

to walk up to people and just start talking. When I’m around them, I’ll

usually do it too, but when I’m by myself, I won’t at all. I took that test

once for Social Anxiety Disorder, and I failed it pretty bad. In other words,

according to the test, I should be being treated for it. Of course that’s

just a test, but still. I just keep repeating myself, so I’m going to go

to bed now, night all.