Author: Cj B

July 29, 2001 #2

July 29, #2 [Savage Garden, "Crash And Burn"]

After I wrote that last update, I went out to the hot tub and thought some.

Some things went though my mind that were pretty rediculous, but none the

less, they were there, which means they’ve been there, questions about me.

Am I really able to have a boy friend, was it something that I did that

caused him to want to break it off. It was just really fast and unforeseen.

I don’t really know what to think of the whole situation. I really don’t.

Adam wrote a really good update

about it all tonight, I suggest you go read it. While I was reading it I

started to cry and I just couldn’t help myself. It really does mean so much

to me. I don’t know why though. It’s only been a month and a half since

we first met, yet in that month it feels like we’ve shared so much. So much

that I’ll never get back, and so much that he’ll never get back either.

So many firsts to, maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me, it is the first.

And it was a lot of firsts even in the short month that we dated. The short

month. And then, it’s all over. Over, I just can’t get that out of my head.

I don’t want it to be over, I’m not ready for it to be over. I thought that

we were on the right track. I kinda blame myself for what happened that

Saturday. I should have said stop. We aren’t ready for this. But I didn’t

I just let it go. One minute we were there, and the next we were here. Time

takes everything but memories.

July 29, 2001

July 29, [Donna Lewis, "I’ll Love You, Always, Forever"]

Well tonight just hasn’t been good at all. Julian called here and said,

that Justin and Sandy weren’t coming untill tomorrow, so I’m like, ok wanna

do something. And he was like, yeah, let me call Mandy, so he called her

and then called me back and said he was going to go get her now and then

come get me. Well me being me, I got online and saw that Adam was on, and

of course without thinking, I asked him if he wanted to come. Well that

ended up being a bad idea for me. At the time it sounded good cause I was

in a better mood then I was earlier. So we went over a picked him up and

ended up at Jules house. Well we were watching movies, and I just couldn’t

stop looking at Adam and thinking, Damnit, I lost him. And that got me in

such a bad mood I just got up and left the room. Well sensed that I wasn’t

all there, so he came in and talked to me. I mean, I love him. And it hurts

to be around him, I don’t know why I keep calling him and going out with

him. I think since we ended it, We’ve spent more personal time together.

It’s odd. I told Ang once that I didn’t think I could ever be friends with

my ex’s cause I have these feelings and I have them for Adam yet. It’s hard

for me to be around them cause all those feelings come back, I see them

and it’s like, "That’s why I liked him so much" and it’s just

grrrrrrr. Make them go away, I really do want to be friends with Adam, I

really really do. But it’s soooooo hard. While we were talking I started

crying, cause it’s that hard. I think that kinda hit home with him. It let

him see how much this really does hurt me. It’s the first time I’ve cried

infront of someone in a long time. But it was nice to get it out.

July 28, 2001 #2

July 28, #2 [Savage Garden, "Tears Of Pearl"]

Well today so far hasn’t been to good. Yeah, Adam came over and got me

about 11:30 or so this morning and we went to Ames to get his ear pierced,

of course I had to get mine done too, so we did that. I now have another

earring. But yeah, then we went out and just did random things, we went

shopping and such. It hasn’t been a good day though cause, well, it’s hard

to explain. I love being around Adam cause he’s so funny and great to be

around, but at the same time, I hate bieng around him cause all those feelings

come back. And it’s hard for me to deal with them. Today I was just being

a total jerk, and I regret that. But that’s the way I was dealing with those

emotions today. Like last night I delt with them by bieng all flirty and

giddy, and today I’m just dealing with them by being a jerk. It sucks, I

know, and it’s a bad way to do it.

July 28, 2001

July 28, [Aerosmith, "I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing"]

Well tonight’s been really hard for me. Emotionaly that is. The first part

of the night was good. Dean came over and we went out shopping, my mom gave

me $125 for school clothes, so yeah. I went out and got a few new shirts.

They’re all real cool. I like them. Then Adam called, so we went over there

and got him. Dean went to meet Julian after work, so Adam and I went out

car shopping. That was fun. Tonight was actually alot of fun, but it was

hard for me to be around Adam, just me and him, I found myself flirting

with him alot. It was hard for me to be around him, I just wanted to keep

going on as though nothing had happened and that we were together. I wanted

to just hug him or hold his hand. I dunno. It’s hard. I also kept making

puns about not having anyone anymore, and I think that made him feel bad

a bit, but it was a way of reminding myself that it was over, and when we

were driving I couldn’t reach over and play with his hair, or hold his hand

or while we’re out in public I can’t put my arm around him, or hug him.

Like I’ve said before, it’s going to be hard moving from the boy friend

mode to the just friends mode for me. I’m not really depressed anymore about

it actually being over. It’s just the transition that’s going to be hard,

and not being able to do these things. At first when we started doing them,

I felt alittle wierd, mostly cause I didn’t know where the limits were,

or what I could do. But then I got kinda attached to it, I wanted to be

touching him as much as I could when he was around. It just felt so good

to have his arms around me, or for me to be holding him, I just got used

to it and now it’s hard to leave that. It’s been hard.