Author: Cj B

Aug 10, #3 [Evan And Jaron, "Wouldn’t It Be Nice To Be Proud"]

Well since about 3 this morning today’s been pretty good. I didn’t get

much sleep though cause I couldn’t sleep I had to much on my mind. I finally

got to sleep sometime after my mom left for work this morning and then Adam

woke me about 10:30 or so. We talked for a bit there and it was nice to

talk to him. After that, I got up and got ready for the day. I wasn’t planning

on going to the mall today, but then Angie called and we talked for a bit,

but I wanted to talk to her in person, so I went to the mall and rode with

her. It was good to get things out and to have someone to talk to it about.

After we got back from the mall I went into work, and by then for some reason,

I just wasn’t feeling good at all. I felt like I was about to chuck, and

I was on the verge of fainting, and I had a horrible head-ache. It just

wasn’t good. Karen came in and asked me who was supposed to be doing Pizza,

and I told her I didn’t know, it was supposed to be me so I got pissy at

her and just ignored her, after she left I went back and started making

a few pizzas and then she came in and watched me for a bit I guess. I had

to keep stopping cause everytime I went to do something, I just felt like

I was going to faint and I was light headed. So she came back and bitched

at me for even coming into work sick, and I was like, god damnit. I told

Mel this morning at like 3 that I shouldn’t come in today, but she insisted.

So I came in. And I felt like shit. I knew I would, but it didn’t set in

tell about that time. I don’t really know what it was, but I was just pissy

and sick, and not good times. So Karen and I bitched at each other for a

while, and then I left. I came home, and took a long cold shower, just sitting

there letting the water hit me, and now I feel much better, I still have

the head-ache, but I’m feeling better. I’m going to go out with Mandy, Julian,

and Vero tonight. That should be pretty fun. We’ll see. I want to go over

to see Agam getting stoned, and I wanted to try it, but now I’m just not

in the mood at all to be around him for that amount of time. Or in that

condition. So I’m not going to go over there to do it. Maybe some other

time, maybe never. The world will work it self out in time. In time.

Aug 10, #2 [BBMak, "Just Another Day"]

Talking to people doesn’t help things, it just makes them worse. Especially

when they contradict themselves.

Aug 10 [Seven Mary Three, "Cumbersome"]

Sometimes things just all come down on me at once, and I’m in a pissy mood

when I’m actually really enjoying myself. Tonight was a great point of that.

It started out very nicely. Xak and I went downtown to meet Adam and Angie.

We hung out there for a while and talked about things. Adam apparently thought

that I was in a pissy mood there cause I guess I gave him a death stare

or something. I was just really frustrated cause everyone was pushing me

on wether or not I’m going to smoke tomorrow night or not. I don’t know

yet if I want to or not. And it just annoyed me that everyone wanted a definite

"yes" or "no" and at this point I’m just not ready to

commit to something like that. I want to try it, but at the same time I

don’t really want to cause I don’t know what the effects are going to be.

It was also a generally bad night cause well tomorrow everyone is going

to the mall, and I can’t cause I had to work. I felt really left out about

that, and that pissed me off that I couldn’t go. I also have like this feeling

that people are taking over my spot in the group. I’ve become kinda possesive

about things. I realy don’t like it, but I have and I’m trying to not let

it bother me, but I feel as though some people are spending more time with

my friends then I am. And that bothers me. I haven’t had much time lately

to just hang out, even though I have been "just hanging out" alot,

there’s alot of people that I don’t get to see that often and other people

seem to know alot more about what’s going on then I do. That kinda bothers

me.

Then also tonight Adam wanted to tell Xak the same story that we told Mandy

last night. He finds it to be more of a joke then anything. Last night I

discussed it with him cause I felt it was something we needed to discuss

and Mandy just happened to be there. Which turned out to be a good things

cause she helped the conversation along, and kept things on track. But Adam’s

taking it more like a joke, and that really really really bothers me. To

me it’s something that’s _VERY_ personal. Something that no one else should

have known about, but now there’s like three or my friends know details

and I don’t know how many of his friends he’s told. That bothers me as well.

We keep saying, "Yeah we need to talk" and there always seems

to be something that we need to talk about. Things aren’t going to get better

until we get everything out on the table and we both know the other persons

views on every subject. But I find it hard to talk to him when he’s always

making things into jokes and when he keeps going off on tangents. But that’s

the way it is. I guess it’s a good thing that we broke it off when we did.

Maybe it never should have happened. My life just sucks right now.

This morning I was awaken at 6, but I couldn’t get back to sleep cause

I was just laying there thinking about our whole relationship. From day

one to what’s happening with us today. I layed there in bed thinking about

it tell about 11 when I finaly decided that I neede to get out of bed before

I completely over anylised things. But I think that our relationship was

totaly physical and we never had that emotional bond. I want a relationship

with that emotional bond. But I enjoyed the relationship that Adam and I

had. We were in a sense, "Friends with benifits" and that doesn’t

really bother me. Cause I enjoyed what happened while it lasted. And looking

back we never relaly shared all that much. We were never really able to

open up and tell each other everylittle thing that was going on in our heads.

We pretended to have that emotional bond, but it was never there.

There’s so much more in my head right now that I can’t get out in writting.

Tonight I was pissed, I wasn’t pissed at anyone thing or anyone person

or anyone action. I was just pissed in general at alot of little things.

I was pissed cause alot of things in my life weren’t adding up to where

they should be. 1 + 1 = 50 tonight. And it doesn’t work that way, 1 + 1

should be 2.

Aug 8, [Alanis Morissette, "Not The Doctor"]

Adam came over this morning and we worked on his website. It’s starting

to get places, but there’s still alot to be done with it. I’m going to have

to spend some major time teaching him how to us dreamweaver. It should be

good times. I realized today why I like him so much. I’m not going to go

into it here because that’s not really information I want to devulge to

the entire world, but I really do like him. I wish so much now that I wouldn’t

have let things go as far as they did that day. I really do. I think that

we’d still be together had that not happened, and that things in life would

be so much better.

My dad’s still not home, which is a good thing, but last night my mom was

talking to me, and she keeps coming up with things that I have to pay for

while I’m in college, yet she neglets to remember that I’m only going to

be able to work part time, and that most of that money will be going towards

things that I’m going to have to pay for now. Much like, my car. We went

to Ames and looked at an apartment last night, it’s on 15th St. Which the

guy that lives there says is only about a mile from campus, A mile my ass.

But it looks like a pretty nice place and it’s on the Cyride route. The

rent is pretty cheap, but still. There’s no way I’d be able to afford it.

I talked to Bruce Bennett last night about jobs in the computer related

fields up in Ames, he said that Krell would be a good place, and that’s

the only place that he mentioned, but I’m not really sure if I want to work

there or not. I’ve heard some bad things about working for them. And now

that they’re spacing themselves from AiS I don’t really know what they do

there. But what ever. It does seem like it’d be a good opertunity to work

in the computer field for somethings.

Things in my life just haven’t been going my way lately. I should have

just gone to UNLy like originally planned, I should have just worked at

camp all summer, like I was going to, I should have just left things be

in my life, but I had to meet someone, and I had to quit camp and I had

to change my mind about going to UNL or even Penn State. My life has been

so shaken up this summer that things aren’t going where I want them too.

Adam left his cell phone here. That could be amusing to see who all calls

him. But since I’m a nice guy, I just called him and told him that it was

here. I’ll shut it off and take it over to Angie’s tonight when I go over

there, well that is, if she remembers to call me like she said she would.

I got my story posted on Nifty. If you can find it you can go read it.

Like I said before though, I didn’t like the way it turned out, but Adam

said that it did the job. So we’ll see what other people say now that it’s

posted.

Adam (yet again his name appears, I’m going to have to stop that) said

that my website was boring, I like the boring colours, but I have been trying

to come up with a good colour scheme lately. I can’t really find colours

that work together that I like. I really like this blue that I’ve got going

now, but I need to find another colour for the background, white is boring.

My horoscope for today describes the kinda mood I’m in quite well: Everywhere

you look, things seem to be exactly the same as they were yesterday. You’ve

had it with the same old people and places, haven’t you, Aquarius? The Aries

Moon fills you with a voracious appetite for change. When you really think

about it, you’ll realize that it’s not as though you always have to stay

in the same place, doing the same thing. Lead a merry crew on a wild goose

chase. It’s all in the name of fun, especially when no one goes home the

loser.

Alright, so after 28 days, 16 hours and 2 minutes of uptime for my computer,

the Copy and Paste stopped working, forcing a restart, cause you can’t live

without Copy and Paste.