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My Life

Aug 10, 2001

Aug 10 [Seven Mary Three, "Cumbersome"]

Sometimes things just all come down on me at once, and I’m in a pissy mood

when I’m actually really enjoying myself. Tonight was a great point of that.

It started out very nicely. Xak and I went downtown to meet Adam and Angie.

We hung out there for a while and talked about things. Adam apparently thought

that I was in a pissy mood there cause I guess I gave him a death stare

or something. I was just really frustrated cause everyone was pushing me

on wether or not I’m going to smoke tomorrow night or not. I don’t know

yet if I want to or not. And it just annoyed me that everyone wanted a definite

"yes" or "no" and at this point I’m just not ready to

commit to something like that. I want to try it, but at the same time I

don’t really want to cause I don’t know what the effects are going to be.

It was also a generally bad night cause well tomorrow everyone is going

to the mall, and I can’t cause I had to work. I felt really left out about

that, and that pissed me off that I couldn’t go. I also have like this feeling

that people are taking over my spot in the group. I’ve become kinda possesive

about things. I realy don’t like it, but I have and I’m trying to not let

it bother me, but I feel as though some people are spending more time with

my friends then I am. And that bothers me. I haven’t had much time lately

to just hang out, even though I have been "just hanging out" alot,

there’s alot of people that I don’t get to see that often and other people

seem to know alot more about what’s going on then I do. That kinda bothers

me.

Then also tonight Adam wanted to tell Xak the same story that we told Mandy

last night. He finds it to be more of a joke then anything. Last night I

discussed it with him cause I felt it was something we needed to discuss

and Mandy just happened to be there. Which turned out to be a good things

cause she helped the conversation along, and kept things on track. But Adam’s

taking it more like a joke, and that really really really bothers me. To

me it’s something that’s _VERY_ personal. Something that no one else should

have known about, but now there’s like three or my friends know details

and I don’t know how many of his friends he’s told. That bothers me as well.

We keep saying, "Yeah we need to talk" and there always seems

to be something that we need to talk about. Things aren’t going to get better

until we get everything out on the table and we both know the other persons

views on every subject. But I find it hard to talk to him when he’s always

making things into jokes and when he keeps going off on tangents. But that’s

the way it is. I guess it’s a good thing that we broke it off when we did.

Maybe it never should have happened. My life just sucks right now.

This morning I was awaken at 6, but I couldn’t get back to sleep cause

I was just laying there thinking about our whole relationship. From day

one to what’s happening with us today. I layed there in bed thinking about

it tell about 11 when I finaly decided that I neede to get out of bed before

I completely over anylised things. But I think that our relationship was

totaly physical and we never had that emotional bond. I want a relationship

with that emotional bond. But I enjoyed the relationship that Adam and I

had. We were in a sense, "Friends with benifits" and that doesn’t

really bother me. Cause I enjoyed what happened while it lasted. And looking

back we never relaly shared all that much. We were never really able to

open up and tell each other everylittle thing that was going on in our heads.

We pretended to have that emotional bond, but it was never there.

There’s so much more in my head right now that I can’t get out in writting.

Tonight I was pissed, I wasn’t pissed at anyone thing or anyone person

or anyone action. I was just pissed in general at alot of little things.

I was pissed cause alot of things in my life weren’t adding up to where

they should be. 1 + 1 = 50 tonight. And it doesn’t work that way, 1 + 1

should be 2.

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