Author: Cj B

Aug 09, 2001

Aug 9, [Guns N’ Roses, "Used To Love Her"]

OMG, tonight’s been really great. There’s just so much that I want to talk

about. Ok well I’ll start at the beging. I left here about 6:30 or so cause

I had to go to my bank before it closed, so I went over to Hy-Vee and did

my banking shit and stuff and then went over and returned Adam’s phone to

him, cause he left it here. Then I had to go to Wal-Mart to get something.

But when I got there I couldn’t remember what it was, so I decided to go

see if Julian was working, which he was, so that was cool. We talked for

a bit, but I didn’t really get a chance to talk to him to much cause he

was pretty busy. I left there about 7:30 or so cause I had to meet Angie

and Adam at Hy-Vee at 8. On my way out I walked past the Pharmacy area and

I remembered what I had to get. So I got it, and went back to Hy-Vee. I

hung around there while they closed and we were also waiting for Vero and

Mandy to get there. Once they got there, Adam and I went back to his house

so he could change, and while we were waiting for the rest of the group

to get there we chatted a bit about things. It was nice to have some time

with him even though we didn’t talk about things involving us.

Once everyone showed up at Adam’s we all went to the Chat Noir. I’d never

been there so I was really excited about going there. WE had a great time

there and we all just hung out and talked about random things. Really good

times there. After we were done there we headed back to Ankeny cause Angie

had to be home. We dropped her off there and Vero wanted to go home to,

so she took us back to Adam’s where my car was.

After she left Adam, Mandy, and I went to the park there in the court thing.

And we just talked about anything and everything. It was really good to

talk to Adam about us and our relationship having Mandy there cause she

acted as kinda a moderator and helped out with the conversation. It was

good to have her there. We even talked about what happened that Saturday,

and Mandy got details. lol. That was funny as hell. But I was giving alot

of details about what happened and from my perspective of things, but Adams

wasn’t giving to much information about his perspective of things, and that’s

what I was wanting, I wanted to know what he was thinking during what happened.

Overall though it was realy good converstaion and I’m glad that we had it.

Adam said tonight that he wouldn’t mind having a "Freind with benifits."

That kinda sparked my ears, cause I’d enjoy that. Not like alot of benifits,

but being able to still cuddle with him and that kinda stuff. I know that

"Friend with benifits" will probably never be me. But I liked

knowing that he’d like having one. lol.

There’s still alot we need to talk about, but things are getting better,

and he knows alot more about how I feel now. I think things really will

get better.

There’s so much more that I want to say, but I just can’t get it into workds

right now. It’s really annoying when that happens.

Aug 08, 2001

Aug 8, [Alanis Morissette, "Not The Doctor"]

Adam came over this morning and we worked on his website. It’s starting

to get places, but there’s still alot to be done with it. I’m going to have

to spend some major time teaching him how to us dreamweaver. It should be

good times. I realized today why I like him so much. I’m not going to go

into it here because that’s not really information I want to devulge to

the entire world, but I really do like him. I wish so much now that I wouldn’t

have let things go as far as they did that day. I really do. I think that

we’d still be together had that not happened, and that things in life would

be so much better.

My dad’s still not home, which is a good thing, but last night my mom was

talking to me, and she keeps coming up with things that I have to pay for

while I’m in college, yet she neglets to remember that I’m only going to

be able to work part time, and that most of that money will be going towards

things that I’m going to have to pay for now. Much like, my car. We went

to Ames and looked at an apartment last night, it’s on 15th St. Which the

guy that lives there says is only about a mile from campus, A mile my ass.

But it looks like a pretty nice place and it’s on the Cyride route. The

rent is pretty cheap, but still. There’s no way I’d be able to afford it.

I talked to Bruce Bennett last night about jobs in the computer related

fields up in Ames, he said that Krell would be a good place, and that’s

the only place that he mentioned, but I’m not really sure if I want to work

there or not. I’ve heard some bad things about working for them. And now

that they’re spacing themselves from AiS I don’t really know what they do

there. But what ever. It does seem like it’d be a good opertunity to work

in the computer field for somethings.

Things in my life just haven’t been going my way lately. I should have

just gone to UNLy like originally planned, I should have just worked at

camp all summer, like I was going to, I should have just left things be

in my life, but I had to meet someone, and I had to quit camp and I had

to change my mind about going to UNL or even Penn State. My life has been

so shaken up this summer that things aren’t going where I want them too.

Adam left his cell phone here. That could be amusing to see who all calls

him. But since I’m a nice guy, I just called him and told him that it was

here. I’ll shut it off and take it over to Angie’s tonight when I go over

there, well that is, if she remembers to call me like she said she would.

I got my story posted on Nifty. If you can find it you can go read it.

Like I said before though, I didn’t like the way it turned out, but Adam

said that it did the job. So we’ll see what other people say now that it’s

posted.

Adam (yet again his name appears, I’m going to have to stop that) said

that my website was boring, I like the boring colours, but I have been trying

to come up with a good colour scheme lately. I can’t really find colours

that work together that I like. I really like this blue that I’ve got going

now, but I need to find another colour for the background, white is boring.

My horoscope for today describes the kinda mood I’m in quite well: Everywhere

you look, things seem to be exactly the same as they were yesterday. You’ve

had it with the same old people and places, haven’t you, Aquarius? The Aries

Moon fills you with a voracious appetite for change. When you really think

about it, you’ll realize that it’s not as though you always have to stay

in the same place, doing the same thing. Lead a merry crew on a wild goose

chase. It’s all in the name of fun, especially when no one goes home the

loser.

Alright, so after 28 days, 16 hours and 2 minutes of uptime for my computer,

the Copy and Paste stopped working, forcing a restart, cause you can’t live

without Copy and Paste.

Aug 07, 2001 #2

Aug 7 #2, [Bob Seger, "We’ve Got Tonight"]

There’s alot of hot guys in Ames. I mean _alot_ of _really_ hot guys up

there. I’m going to like that aspect of things. lol. My mom and I just drove

up there to look at an apartment. I really hate driving with her in the

car, everytime I come within 500 feet of another vehicle she’s like, "Back

off, you don’t need to be that close" and blah blah blah. Another thing

is that she’s constantly telling me to "Slow down" I was doing

60 in a 55, and she said, "You don’t need to be going 60." And

everytime the person infront of us puts thier brakes on, she goes "AHHH,

SLOW DOWN" and I mean she fucking screams. It’s like calm the fuck

down woman, Jesus.

Today I went to the GLRC with Angie and Xak. That Alijah (sp) guy was there,

he’s pretty cute. We played this one game too, it was amusing as hell. On

the way back Angie was doing like 80 all the way cause she didn’t want to

be late for work. She was late anyhow, but whatever. It works. lol.

Why can no one ever do what they say they’re going to do. I’ve made so

many plans some times, and people either, A) Don’t call like they said they

would, or B) Call and say that they can’t do what ever it was, and they

call at the last minute. It’s like, you knew for a while that you wouldn’t

be able to do it, sometimes they even know when they set things up that

they wouldn’t be able to do whatever it was, so then why do they set it

up? I really hate people that say they’ll call and then don’t though, cause

that just gets on my nerves. If they say that they’re going to call, then

they should call, even if it’s to say that they can’t make it to whatever

we had planned, it’d just be the nice thing to do, rather then letting the

person sit around waiting for them to call like they said they would. Grrr.

Sometimes people just realy annoy me.

I finished that erotic story that I started yesterday. I’ve had a couple

people read it and they said it was pretty good. I don’t really like the

way that it turned out cause I couldn’t think of a good opening. And towards

the end I just got bored, so I flew though the ending of it. But there’s

som egood things in it. I submitted it to Nifty, so we’ll see if it get’s

put up. I should know in about a week or so.

My dad bitched at me today about not getting my car fixed. He was complaining

cause I didn’t know what I was going to do with it. I mean, I don’t have

the money to do anything with it right now, and yet they won’t help me out

with it. They won’t help me pay for it, or help me find somewhere that can

help me fix it, they won’t even cosign a loan, so how the hell am I going

to get one if that’s what it comes to? But back to the bitching, he was

bitching cause he just paid insurance on it and bitched that if I wasn’t

going to fix it that he’d cancel the insurance, and I said that if i had

the money to fix it, I’d fix it, but I don’t and then he just went off on

a tangent about that and yeah, that went on for a while. Grrr.

I was hoping to be able to go to Adam’s tonight to help him out with his

website. Mostly cause I want to help him out, but also because I want some

personal time to talk with him. I called him about 8:45 or so, but no one

answered the phone there. I’m not really wanting to call his cell phone

though, cause I feel bad about using his minutes

For some reason in my life right now I feel kinda left out, I know I’m

not being left out, but I feel as though I am sometimes. Even if I am with

people, I feel as though I’m being left out of what’s going on with them,

there at that time. Sometimes though I really do feel as though I’m left

out of things. People will say, "Oh remember the other day when it

was me and X and Y and Z." And I’m like no, I wasn’t there. Why didn’t

you call me if you were all going out. I think this all should go back up

with the people not calling or doing stuff like they say they would.

What’s up with me and these long updates lately? It’s just been kinda random

thoughts and such. I want to go out tonight, but I don’t really want to

call anyone. I know that most people are already out doing stuff for the

night and I most likely won’t find anyone around. Oh well. Maybe I’ll just

go to Java Joes or something tonight. I also have that book that I could

read. But I’m not in the mood to read it right now. We’ll see what happens.

I’m temped to just head up to camp and see what’s going on up there, but

I bet that everyone I’d want to talk to will be gone.

Grrr. Bad times in my head.

Aug 07, 2001

Aug 7, [New Radicals, "Someday We’ll Know"]

Ok, well it’s not really Aug 7 yet, but it’s damn close enough and I didn’t

feel like making a second update for Aug 6, cause well that’s just to much

work. Today’s been pretty good. Adam was going to come over here this morning

at like 10 or something, but he can never keep apointments, and he slept

in. So I guess Angie called him and told his mom that he was supposed to

bring her over here, and Adam’s mom wouldn’t let him leave, cause well he’s

grounded. So that fucked up those plans, I guess it’s better that way cause

I didn’t get out of bed tell 11:00 anyway. Then this afternoon Angie came

over and picked me up and we went back to her house. We hung out there for

a while and then went car shopping at the place Nick (Is that how he spells

it?) works at. There was some really assholeic guy working there and once

he found out that we weren’t actually going to buy something (which, when

he first walked up, I said, "We’re just looking") got really bitchy

with us. So we left. After that we went over to Adam’s house and hung out

there for a while. Angie and I left cause, well I was getting sad. We were

in his room most of the time, and Angie and him were cuddling, and that

just really made me sad cause, that used to be me, and now I don’t feel

comfortable around him when they are doing that. And even though it’s just

him and Angie, I don’t feel comfortable joining in either. So I felt left

out. And by the way, today Adam made a comment in his journal that everyone

feeds off messing up his hair,

and I just want to say that I only mess it up when he tells me I can, thanks.

(I think he’s alot cuter though when he doesn’t have all that gook in his

hair). But after we left there, Angie and I went to get some food and then

we headed back to my house to watch movies. We watched that one, the Hidden

Dragon. It was really fucked up. I didn’t follow it at all. Well, alright,

I got the basic jist of it. Then Xak called and came over and we watched

Power Puff Girls. That was amussing cause I’ve never seen any of them. They

were great.

I got a letter today from the housing department at ISU. They said I’d

probably get stuck in temporary housing for a time then I’d get moved into

a dorm somewhere, that’s going to really suck cause we’ll, I’ll have two

different roommates, I’ll have to move sometime. And yeah, just generally

sucky arrangments. I’m really not looking forward to school to start again.

I hope it’s a good semester, but I have a feeling it won’t be.

I want to go up to camp sometime this week. It’s the last week of Cub /

Webelos camp and I want to see how things are going with them all. I also

want to get one last time to walk around camp and just enjoy it. I wish

I still had someone special in my life to go up there with me to share it.

But I don’t so some night I’m going to go up there late and just hang out

for a while. It should be good times.

This is just like random thought night. There’s alot of things I want to

get done this summer before school starts, but I know I most likely won’t

get them done. My horroscope says that I need someone in my life that has

alot of energy cause I have all these things that I need to get done, and

ideas that I have, but I never have the time, or energy to actually get

them done. We’ll see what happens. I’m having feelings that this summer

I haven’t gotten anything done. Yet I know that I have. I’ve taken that

step to remove Scouts from my life. I’ve opened up to alot of people about

who I am and what my life is about. I’ve had alot of firsts this summer.

My first Bf and other such personal things as the major one, but there’s

been alot of them. Many more then I can really remember right now, or want

to remember really. It’s been a productive summer, yet it feels as though

nothings been done, maybe because I don’t really have anything to show for

it. I’m still the same person as I started out the summer, and I really

have nothing to show for what’s happened this summer, other then the journal.

But that’s really nothing much. It has all my feelings, but I haven’t been

able to express those feelings in other ways, other then here on the journal.

I don’t really know.

I guess the scouting’s populas has degraded alot since the high courts

ruling about the gay issue. It’s down almost 4.5% in one year. And that’s

just an average, in the northeast it’s down 7.8%. It’s even down 3.5% in

the south, which is where the scouts are supported by just about every church

and other youth orginization around. There’s a really good article about

the scouts in Aug 6 edition of Newsweek I think everyone should go

read it.

My grandma sent me an e-mail today. She really needs to learn how to form

complete sentences and thoughts. She just jumps from one subject to the

next in one sentence right after another. Here’s a sampling: Knew

one time you were talking apartment. Won’t be long now before it starts,

will it? Larry’s gave us some apples so made a pie and have been freezing

applesauce. What the hell is that? I mean, I know that I go from

thought to thought, but man, that’s just messed up. She really needs to

learn how to do this stuff. You know what’s really funny though, the subject

line says "hot" but it says nothing about it being hot in the

message. What is up with that? My grandma is just crazy.

I got a book today from Adam, well really I’m supposed to be taking it

back to the GLRC tomorrow, but I’m going to keep it and read it. It’s the

book that Ellen Degeneres wrote. Adam said it was really good, but we’ll

see. I’m not much of a book person, so it takes a really good book to keep

my attention.

I have tell Wed off, which is nice, well it kinda sucks cause Adam’s grounded

and I don’t have a car. So it gets kinda boring here during the day, but

at night it’s nice to not have to worry about working. I guess Marlin bitched

about me so they aren’t scheduling us together anymore, which is nice, cause

I hated his guts anyhow. But I want to know what he bitched about, cause

I’ve been nothing but nice to him. That fat asshole. grrr. Next week’s going

to really suck though cause I’m working mornings some days and overnights

other days. And I work Saturday overnight, and that Saturday is the last

Saturday night I’ll be in town for a while, so yeah. grrr at them.

My mom seems to be really supportive of my choices in my life. She really

likes Adam and such, she keeps asking me questions about him. I don’t think

she’s gotten that we’ve broken up, but then how could she tell a difference,

I think I spend more time with him now then I did. She also asked me the

other day wether I wanted to be active in scouting any more, I told her

I’d help out if they _needed_ me but I’d rather not be. And she said that

was cool. I’m happy that things are going good with them. I just wish they’d

actually talk to me about it. I’m not really ready to bring it up to them,

and I told them in the letter that I sent them when i came out that when

they felt comfortable talking to me about it that they could come and talk

to me. I think I should tell them that my aunt and cousin know, that might

help them out abit.

I guess Adam’s going to get high this Friday. Part of me says that I should

be there to see it cause it’ll be amusing, but another part of me says I

shouldn’t go. I think that if I’m off work by the time they do it I’d like

to be there, maybe I’ll try it. I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to

be high. But I’ve never had the guts to do it. That goes back to the whole,

having lots of ideas, but never acting on them thing that I wrote about

up above.

I’m going to have to reboot my computer here soon. It’s starting to be

all slow and things are starting to crash, well only AT&T crashes when

I sign on, but that’s nothing really big. I can still get on the internet.

But still, it’s been up for almost 30 days now without being shut off. So

I think it’s time I give it a break. I really love having Win2k on here,

it’s so great. No reboots, hehe. One of the lackeys from NP has been e-mailing

me about getting POP working on Comet B, Comet C, and Shoemaker, but since

they installed RH 7.1 and it uses a different version of IMAP then I’m used

to I can’t really help them without seeing it and I don’t really want go

in there, cause then they’ll give me a list of other things to fix while

I’m there. I really don’t want to help them any more, I enjoy it, but if

I help them once, I’ll get suck helping them with alot of other things I

don’t have the time for.

There’s alot of other stuff that I wanted to write about when I first started

this, but I’ve forgotten it all. So I’m going to go post this so Adam can

read it, cause I want his feed back on it.

[Added revision, 30 minutes later] After I wrote this update Adam started

acting wierd. I don’t really know what the hell it was all about, but it

was starting to piss me off. Then he just started sending random messages

and then signed off. The little twat. (Changing topics completely) I’m in

the mood to write an erotic story, but I just can’t get going, well actually

I had a pretty good start, but then Adam started acting wierd and worried

me. So I lost my train of thought, oh well, maybe laters. Now I’m just worried

as to what the hell Adam’s fucking doing.

Aug 06, 2001

Aug 6, [Alanis Morissette, "You Learn"]

So tonight’s been pretty cool. I worked today from 10 tell 4 and I was

by myself for 4 hours of that. grr. I did about $5,000 in sales during that

time. I had lines from one side of the store to the other end, and I was

working both registers at once. After work I came home and begged my dad

to let Adam have some of his wonderful Koi. He told me no at first and that

they were like his children and that he didn’t want to let any of them go

yet. I was like, they’re just fucking fish. Then he went out there and got

two fish and put them in a bag, and told me to take them to Adam, they looked

like minnows to me, but I wasn’t going to argue with him, so I took them

over to Adam. He agreed with me that they looked like minnows, and I guess

he’s now lost them already, so whatever. I’ll let him come over some time

and steal, I mean borrow, one out of the pond. After that we hung out at

his house, that was amusing times. Then they wanted supper, so I left. I

came home and hung out here for like 10 minutes then I went over to Xak’s

and we called Vero and she came over and we watched Mallrats. That’s one

messed up movie. After that I came home and here I am now.

I’ve been in a fairly good mood lately. Everyonce in a while I hve troubles

getting to sleep cause I’m depressed, but other then that it’s been mostly

good. Things seem to be working themselves out. I’ve still got alot to talk

about to people. Not just Adam (although we do have _alot_ to talk about),

but other people as well. Life is starting to look better, although, I’m

not really looking forward to school starting. Unlike last year, where I

just couldn’t wait for it to start. I’m going to bed now.