Author: Cj B

Aug 19, 2001

Aug 19, [Hannah Jones, "I Am What I Am"]

So I’ve had this song stuck in my head for like a day now, so I’m listening

to it.

It’s like 3:30 pm and I just got out of bed. I wored the overnight last

night, my last day at work. It was pretty cool. I took in a stack of XY’s

and read them, I found some good articles to put up. Adam and Tara came

in and visited me too. That was really nice of them. I was happy.

Yesterday was great too. I spent the whole day with Adam and then after

about 5 we went and got Angie. Adam and I went to Saylorville about 11 and

hung out there with his dad and other family members, that was amusing.

We left there about 1 or so and went over to the backup damn, where that

big gorge thing is and climbed on the rocks and stuff. It was so great.

After that we went to the mall and had a blast trying to find a messanger

bag for me. Then we went and bought some colonge.

We went over to Angie’s and she was dead tired on the couch so we just

hung out there and talked for a bit. We were supposed to meet up with Tara

about 7 when she got off, but she called and said she had to go to some

family thing and we were all like, well we don’t want to do that. So we

randomly went over to Angie’s neighbor and talked to her for like an hour.

After that I left cause we wouldn’t be able to make it downtown and back

in time for me to get to work on time, and I didn’t want to drive down by-myself.

Aug 18, 2001

Aug 18, [New Radicals, "Someday We’ll Know"]

Ok well since fateback has been down the last couple days I’m going to

leave the last couple entrys up here.

The last couple days have been great, yet really sad at the same time.

I’ve spent alot of time with Adam and Angie. It’s been really great. Last

night we went to a concert with Adam and Tim’s band. There were some damn

hot guys there. It was a pretty good time, free food. And I got to see alot

of people from High School that I hadn’t seen in a while. After that we

went downtown, I missed my first two corners, so I just took the long ass

way around, we got there eventually. We were sitting on that brick wall

just across from Spagetti Works and these two random people walked up to

us. They started asking us where good places to hang out and drink were,

and then they asked if thier fake ID’s were good enough, it was crazy. Then

they offered for us to come back to thier hotel room. Crazy people. We talked

to them for a while, then it started POURING rain, I mean just out of the

middle of no where, it started pouring sheets of rain. It was cool, so we

ran back to Java Joe’s and got some coffee and shit.

We left there cause we had had enough of the live music in the last couple

days with the fair and all. So we left and went back to Angies house. Earlier

I had told Adam a story about the conversation I had with my parents. They

said something along the lives of, "With the life style you’ve choosen,

you’ll end up in a body bag by the time you’re 22." And when they said

it, it didn’t cross my mind at all, and I just put it off as something they

would say. I didn’t even think about it tell I told Adam the whole story,

and then it’s like, they really thinkn that, that I’m going to be dead by

the time I’m 22. So that really depressed me. Assholes. So at Angie’s we

all just talked and it was good times there. After we left there, Adam and

I went out and just drove around Ankeny and talked and did random stuff.

That was really nice to talk to him about things. We went back to his house

about 1 or so. I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but he wanted to

show me family pictures, which is cool. Cause I think I’m one of the few

people that’s amussed by such things. Well especially someone that I care

about, lol. So we sat around and looked at those for a while. It was nice

to just sit next to him on the couch again, and just hang out without any

tension. Good times last night, even though they were sad times.

I’ve only got a week tell school starts. One week. I still don’t know what

the hell I’m doing. I don’t know what’s going on this next week. I don’t

know when I’m moving, I don’t know jack shit. I just don’t know about anything.

I’m thinking tomorrow I’ll just sit down with the PU’s and talk to them

about everything. Or maybe tonight if I get home in time.

Aug 16, 2001 #2

Aug 16, #2 [Bob Seger, "Tryin’ To Live My Life Without You"]

<~Song that fits the mood.

Am I the only one bugged by "straight-acting"?

I guess so! Reading the Chicago gay press recently, I discovered dozens

of gay contact advertisers require this quality. Online it is even worse.

Rooms like "straight dudes m4m" are on AOL every day. Straightness

seems a highly desired trait among gay men these days.

I wonder what these guys think straight-acting is. In my experience, straight-acting

boys beat me up in school and had distressing tendency to do girls. Either

they were actually straight, or closet. [Closets always say more anti-gay

things than straight boys say, since real straights don’t stress over being

exposed.]

I have a confession. I’m not "straight-acting," and I don’t want

anyone who claims to be straight-acting. This is not because I’m fem-I’m

not [although would it matter if I was?]. I’m sure I could pass as straight

in the Post Office or down at the local sawdust-floor-pool-hall, or when

fixing my car dressed only in ripped overalls. Question is, why would I

want to be straight-acting? Do I want people thinking I’m straight?

What for?

Of course, history of gay life has been the history of trying to pass.

And it’s been a short history too-10 years ago, it would have been unthinkable

to come out at school, or discuss gay marriage or gays in the military.

And it’s trendy to say, "yeah I’m gay but you should still respect

me because I’m no different from you-I’m straight-acting."

But there’s a problem. See, we don’t want them to like us for being straight-acting.

We want them to like us because we’re gay, and because being gay

is a great way to be, just like any other way. As long as straight-acting

is the only "normal," then we’ll never feel good about ourselves.

Freedom means really being able to act how we want. They go around

kissing their girlfriends in the street-why shouldn’t we be able to do the

same thing? And yes-this is "gay acting." And yes, I think we

ought to do it. It’s an expression of love just like theirs, and that’s

what life is for.

When we go around dopily chanting straight-acting, we glorify the exact

people who oppress us, while rejecting the people who support us, who fight

for us.

As for the question of straight-acting versus "nelly-acting,"

I also don’t see why we shouldn’t be "nelly-acting." There’s a

lot of good things about being nelly-acting as opposed to straight-acting.

Straight-acting means being hard, not showing emotion, not ever crying,

not buying flowers, always being dominant in sex [who would want to do that?]

and generally acting like the Marlboro Man. Personally, if that’s what straight-acting

is, I would rather have someone nelly-acting. Many of the sexiest guys are

androgynous; straight people have been busy creating the "new man"

who is sensitive and has a lot of traits traditionally attributed as sex-neutral;

meanwhile, we’ve been busy glorifying Mr. Hard, who is straight-acting,

rides a bronco, and of course is never gay.

Well personally I am neither straight-acting or nelly-acting. I am me-acting,

and I don’t care who thinks so. Because in all this rush for straight-acting,

we are busy copying straight guys, and they are such a screwed-up group

I suspect they’d be happier if they copied us instead.

Plus, as everyone knows, straight-acting guys are so repressed that they

can’t get it up.

-Christian Mars

Aug 16, 2001

Aug 16, [Crash Test Dummies, "Mmm, Mmm, Mmm"]

Today has been one fucking cool ass day. Adam and I spent like 8 hours

at the fair it was great. The only thing missing was that we’re just friends,

it would have been so much better if we were still together.

We tried out this cool massage things with magnets and when we were done

the lady said, something along the lines of "Have fun checking out

girls" and Adam said, "Or guys" and she just looked at us,

it was the greatest look. And she was like, "You’re not" and yeah,

it was great times.

Then later we passed these girls and one of them was wearing a T-shirt

that said, "I Love Boys" and Adam and I said, at the same time,

"I like boys too." And all the girls went "ewww" it

was hilarious.

Yeah, lots of great times. I just wished I would have had a BF to share

the fair with, but it was great sharing it with my best friend.

I’ve decided that I need to get more Beetles songs.

Aug 15, 2001

Aug 15 [Oasis, "Champagne Supernova"]

So yesterday Marry Rederus came into Kum & Go. She was obviously looking

for something and couldn’t find it. I was busy working on something back

by the coolers and there was a Frito-Lay guy standing next to me putting

product away. Marry came up to the Frito-Lay guy, who clearly wasn’t a Kum

& Go employee and asked him if we had such and such. He told her that

he didn’t work there and pointed at me and said, "He does though."

So she came up to me, and said "Oh hi" in one of those tones that

you know the person isn’t pleased to see you. Well she asked me where such

and such was. I told her we didn’t have any and then I asked how Luke was

doing, and she just gave simple to the point answers and asked where I was

going to school and then left. She wasn’t acting at all like Marry Rederus,

which bothered me. Marry never just says "HI" she always has something

to talk about. I dunno what was up with her.

Then today Josh Hunemuller (sp?) came in. And went though my line, he was

actually really nice to me. He even asked if he could take some matches.

Most people just grab them, or say "Give me a pack of matches too"

He said, "Can I have a pack of matches, Please." I was like, wow.

He’s nice. Things are wierd.

Not really much going on today. It’s a rainny and gloomy day, I like days

like this, it’s a good relax day. I told Adam to call me after I got off

work, I got off 45 minutes ago, and he still hasn’t called, but he could

be at work, so we’ll see what happens. I’d like to hang out with him tonight.

I haven’t just hung out with him in a while. We’ll see what happens.