Author: Cj B

Aug 12, [Linkin Park, "One Step Closer"]

The last couple days have been filled with worries and stress. Yesterday

I was so worried and stressed out that I was actualy sick. I don’t really

remember what all I did yesterday. I know I went to work, and was really

sick there. I was mostly dissy and felt really bad, plus I was pissy so

that didn’t help. The manager came in and bitched at me, so I bitched back

at her and then she said, "Why don’t you just go home." So I did.

I was mostly worried about Adam last night. The other night he told a story

about how he had this reaction with over the counter drugs, so I was really

worried about what would happen last night when he smoked. Half of me said

not to go, cause I didn’t want to be around him when he did it, cause I

felt bad about him doing it. But the other half of me said to be there,

cause I wanted to see what he was like, and I wanted to try it. I really

wanted to try it. But, I didn’t go. And I was really worried about him.

We (being Mandy, Vero, Julian, and I. Who I went out with last night) were

going to go over there and say "HI" but Mandy was majorly anti

going over there, she didn’t even want to wait in the car while the rest

of us went in to say hi. But I hear that everything went well. I really

regret not going now though. Cause I really wanted to try it. Oh well. Whatever.

Adam’s currently online, but his away message says that he’s thinking "alot."

I wonder what he’s thinking about.

Today I went to work. It sucked. I had to do pizza, which I HATE doing.

And they had only scheduledd two of us for the entire evening, one in pizza

and one on registers and Dale was on the registers and he’s dumber then

a fucking door knob. I ignored him most of the night and did mad cleaning

in the pizza area. I got off at 10 and went out with Zach which was fun

cause we got to talk about things, and yeah. It was just good.

There’s been alot on my mind about everything in my life lately about how

things go. And where they’re going to go. I seem to be always depressed

again lately. I’m getting back into that mood that I was in last October

when I started keeping this journal. That wasn’t good times for me at all.

Why are you so intent on making this happen? You may

be putting way too much energy into something that everyone else has long

forgotten, Aquarius. The baggage that you carry has begun to affect your

posture. Keep in mind that there’s a big difference between wanting to save

something and actually being able to do so. Straighten out, breathe deeply

and proceed to let go. The Universe will see to it that there are plenty

of other difficult projects for you to take on in the future!

Aug 10, #3 [Evan And Jaron, "Wouldn’t It Be Nice To Be Proud"]

Well since about 3 this morning today’s been pretty good. I didn’t get

much sleep though cause I couldn’t sleep I had to much on my mind. I finally

got to sleep sometime after my mom left for work this morning and then Adam

woke me about 10:30 or so. We talked for a bit there and it was nice to

talk to him. After that, I got up and got ready for the day. I wasn’t planning

on going to the mall today, but then Angie called and we talked for a bit,

but I wanted to talk to her in person, so I went to the mall and rode with

her. It was good to get things out and to have someone to talk to it about.

After we got back from the mall I went into work, and by then for some reason,

I just wasn’t feeling good at all. I felt like I was about to chuck, and

I was on the verge of fainting, and I had a horrible head-ache. It just

wasn’t good. Karen came in and asked me who was supposed to be doing Pizza,

and I told her I didn’t know, it was supposed to be me so I got pissy at

her and just ignored her, after she left I went back and started making

a few pizzas and then she came in and watched me for a bit I guess. I had

to keep stopping cause everytime I went to do something, I just felt like

I was going to faint and I was light headed. So she came back and bitched

at me for even coming into work sick, and I was like, god damnit. I told

Mel this morning at like 3 that I shouldn’t come in today, but she insisted.

So I came in. And I felt like shit. I knew I would, but it didn’t set in

tell about that time. I don’t really know what it was, but I was just pissy

and sick, and not good times. So Karen and I bitched at each other for a

while, and then I left. I came home, and took a long cold shower, just sitting

there letting the water hit me, and now I feel much better, I still have

the head-ache, but I’m feeling better. I’m going to go out with Mandy, Julian,

and Vero tonight. That should be pretty fun. We’ll see. I want to go over

to see Agam getting stoned, and I wanted to try it, but now I’m just not

in the mood at all to be around him for that amount of time. Or in that

condition. So I’m not going to go over there to do it. Maybe some other

time, maybe never. The world will work it self out in time. In time.

Aug 10, #2 [BBMak, "Just Another Day"]

Talking to people doesn’t help things, it just makes them worse. Especially

when they contradict themselves.

Aug 10 [Seven Mary Three, "Cumbersome"]

Sometimes things just all come down on me at once, and I’m in a pissy mood

when I’m actually really enjoying myself. Tonight was a great point of that.

It started out very nicely. Xak and I went downtown to meet Adam and Angie.

We hung out there for a while and talked about things. Adam apparently thought

that I was in a pissy mood there cause I guess I gave him a death stare

or something. I was just really frustrated cause everyone was pushing me

on wether or not I’m going to smoke tomorrow night or not. I don’t know

yet if I want to or not. And it just annoyed me that everyone wanted a definite

"yes" or "no" and at this point I’m just not ready to

commit to something like that. I want to try it, but at the same time I

don’t really want to cause I don’t know what the effects are going to be.

It was also a generally bad night cause well tomorrow everyone is going

to the mall, and I can’t cause I had to work. I felt really left out about

that, and that pissed me off that I couldn’t go. I also have like this feeling

that people are taking over my spot in the group. I’ve become kinda possesive

about things. I realy don’t like it, but I have and I’m trying to not let

it bother me, but I feel as though some people are spending more time with

my friends then I am. And that bothers me. I haven’t had much time lately

to just hang out, even though I have been "just hanging out" alot,

there’s alot of people that I don’t get to see that often and other people

seem to know alot more about what’s going on then I do. That kinda bothers

me.

Then also tonight Adam wanted to tell Xak the same story that we told Mandy

last night. He finds it to be more of a joke then anything. Last night I

discussed it with him cause I felt it was something we needed to discuss

and Mandy just happened to be there. Which turned out to be a good things

cause she helped the conversation along, and kept things on track. But Adam’s

taking it more like a joke, and that really really really bothers me. To

me it’s something that’s _VERY_ personal. Something that no one else should

have known about, but now there’s like three or my friends know details

and I don’t know how many of his friends he’s told. That bothers me as well.

We keep saying, "Yeah we need to talk" and there always seems

to be something that we need to talk about. Things aren’t going to get better

until we get everything out on the table and we both know the other persons

views on every subject. But I find it hard to talk to him when he’s always

making things into jokes and when he keeps going off on tangents. But that’s

the way it is. I guess it’s a good thing that we broke it off when we did.

Maybe it never should have happened. My life just sucks right now.

This morning I was awaken at 6, but I couldn’t get back to sleep cause

I was just laying there thinking about our whole relationship. From day

one to what’s happening with us today. I layed there in bed thinking about

it tell about 11 when I finaly decided that I neede to get out of bed before

I completely over anylised things. But I think that our relationship was

totaly physical and we never had that emotional bond. I want a relationship

with that emotional bond. But I enjoyed the relationship that Adam and I

had. We were in a sense, "Friends with benifits" and that doesn’t

really bother me. Cause I enjoyed what happened while it lasted. And looking

back we never relaly shared all that much. We were never really able to

open up and tell each other everylittle thing that was going on in our heads.

We pretended to have that emotional bond, but it was never there.

There’s so much more in my head right now that I can’t get out in writting.

Tonight I was pissed, I wasn’t pissed at anyone thing or anyone person

or anyone action. I was just pissed in general at alot of little things.

I was pissed cause alot of things in my life weren’t adding up to where

they should be. 1 + 1 = 50 tonight. And it doesn’t work that way, 1 + 1

should be 2.