Author: Cj B

Aug 20, 2001

Aug 20, [Tonic, "Mountian"]

Today’s just been awsome. I went into NP this morning at 8 or so, I was

told there’d be people there to get me into things since they chnaged the

root passwords and hadn’t told me the new ones yet. So I got there, and

no one was there, so I just hung around and got some tunes going and stuff

and did small things. They finally got there about 9:30 or 10. We got some

stuff done, but still couldn’t get SMTP to accept connections so I have

to go in tomorrow to work on that some more. I was supposed to be doing

research on that today, but never got around to it. I’ll just call Barb

tomorrow and have her tell me how to fix it, that’s the best way to do it.

About 11 I went over to Angie’s and had lunch with her. After lunch we

just hung out at her house and packed. We hung out there and had good time.

Adam came over after school and we did random things. We went to Wal-Mart

and Angie dropped off her film, then Nina called and Angie went into work.

Grrr about that. After Angie left Adam and I went back to his house and

worked on his website, that was ammusing as hell cause well. His mom soooooooooo

knows about him. Hehe. After that I went over to Xak’s and hung out with

Angie, Mandy and Xak. It as good times, even though I was sleeping most

of the time I was there. Oh well.

Adam and I talked a bit about how things are going. Things aren’t good

for him, or me really. I mean not in the sence of things between us. Because

our relationship as friends is so great right now. But things in general

are going bad for the both of us. Leaving, school starting, summer ending.

It’s all just bad right now.

Aug 19, 2001 #2

Aug 19, #2 [Faith Hill, "The Way You Love Me"]

This has been a summer of firsts for me. It’s hard for me to let this summer

go. I’ll always remember it. This summer so many things have happened to

me, things that I’ve enjoyed, things that I’ve hated, things that broke

my heart and things that have expanded my personality. I’ve had so much

fun this summer, and now it’s over. It’s over. I can’t believe how fast

this summer has passed and how much has happened to me. How many things

I’ve learned and the way’s I’ve learned them.

Today Adam and I went out to Saylorville again. Out by the soccer fields

here in PC and just hung out and talked and walked. We didn’t talk about

anything really, just babble. The last 4 days I’ve spent more one on one

time with Adam then we did during our entire relationship. I’ve really enjoyed

it. I wish that we would have had this personal time during our relationship,

but I think we’re so much closer now then we ever have been. I’m really

happy about that.

I’m so sad right now though about school starting, especially his school

starting so early. I’m going to miss being around him so much once school

starts, and once Angie leaves it’s just going to be bad. I can tell now

I’m going to be crying so bad when she leaves, And I know that once I find

out when I’m leaving, the night before that is going to be tough too. Saying

bye to Adam for the last time, I know it’ll probably only be a few weeks,

and that we’re only a few miles apart, but I’m going to miss him so much.

School will take my mind off alot of it, but having spent so much time together.

It’s going to be tough times for a while I think.

Aug 19, 2001

Aug 19, [Hannah Jones, "I Am What I Am"]

So I’ve had this song stuck in my head for like a day now, so I’m listening

to it.

It’s like 3:30 pm and I just got out of bed. I wored the overnight last

night, my last day at work. It was pretty cool. I took in a stack of XY’s

and read them, I found some good articles to put up. Adam and Tara came

in and visited me too. That was really nice of them. I was happy.

Yesterday was great too. I spent the whole day with Adam and then after

about 5 we went and got Angie. Adam and I went to Saylorville about 11 and

hung out there with his dad and other family members, that was amusing.

We left there about 1 or so and went over to the backup damn, where that

big gorge thing is and climbed on the rocks and stuff. It was so great.

After that we went to the mall and had a blast trying to find a messanger

bag for me. Then we went and bought some colonge.

We went over to Angie’s and she was dead tired on the couch so we just

hung out there and talked for a bit. We were supposed to meet up with Tara

about 7 when she got off, but she called and said she had to go to some

family thing and we were all like, well we don’t want to do that. So we

randomly went over to Angie’s neighbor and talked to her for like an hour.

After that I left cause we wouldn’t be able to make it downtown and back

in time for me to get to work on time, and I didn’t want to drive down by-myself.

Aug 18, 2001

Aug 18, [New Radicals, "Someday We’ll Know"]

Ok well since fateback has been down the last couple days I’m going to

leave the last couple entrys up here.

The last couple days have been great, yet really sad at the same time.

I’ve spent alot of time with Adam and Angie. It’s been really great. Last

night we went to a concert with Adam and Tim’s band. There were some damn

hot guys there. It was a pretty good time, free food. And I got to see alot

of people from High School that I hadn’t seen in a while. After that we

went downtown, I missed my first two corners, so I just took the long ass

way around, we got there eventually. We were sitting on that brick wall

just across from Spagetti Works and these two random people walked up to

us. They started asking us where good places to hang out and drink were,

and then they asked if thier fake ID’s were good enough, it was crazy. Then

they offered for us to come back to thier hotel room. Crazy people. We talked

to them for a while, then it started POURING rain, I mean just out of the

middle of no where, it started pouring sheets of rain. It was cool, so we

ran back to Java Joe’s and got some coffee and shit.

We left there cause we had had enough of the live music in the last couple

days with the fair and all. So we left and went back to Angies house. Earlier

I had told Adam a story about the conversation I had with my parents. They

said something along the lives of, "With the life style you’ve choosen,

you’ll end up in a body bag by the time you’re 22." And when they said

it, it didn’t cross my mind at all, and I just put it off as something they

would say. I didn’t even think about it tell I told Adam the whole story,

and then it’s like, they really thinkn that, that I’m going to be dead by

the time I’m 22. So that really depressed me. Assholes. So at Angie’s we

all just talked and it was good times there. After we left there, Adam and

I went out and just drove around Ankeny and talked and did random stuff.

That was really nice to talk to him about things. We went back to his house

about 1 or so. I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but he wanted to

show me family pictures, which is cool. Cause I think I’m one of the few

people that’s amussed by such things. Well especially someone that I care

about, lol. So we sat around and looked at those for a while. It was nice

to just sit next to him on the couch again, and just hang out without any

tension. Good times last night, even though they were sad times.

I’ve only got a week tell school starts. One week. I still don’t know what

the hell I’m doing. I don’t know what’s going on this next week. I don’t

know when I’m moving, I don’t know jack shit. I just don’t know about anything.

I’m thinking tomorrow I’ll just sit down with the PU’s and talk to them

about everything. Or maybe tonight if I get home in time.

Aug 16, 2001 #2

Aug 16, #2 [Bob Seger, "Tryin’ To Live My Life Without You"]

<~Song that fits the mood.

Am I the only one bugged by "straight-acting"?

I guess so! Reading the Chicago gay press recently, I discovered dozens

of gay contact advertisers require this quality. Online it is even worse.

Rooms like "straight dudes m4m" are on AOL every day. Straightness

seems a highly desired trait among gay men these days.

I wonder what these guys think straight-acting is. In my experience, straight-acting

boys beat me up in school and had distressing tendency to do girls. Either

they were actually straight, or closet. [Closets always say more anti-gay

things than straight boys say, since real straights don’t stress over being

exposed.]

I have a confession. I’m not "straight-acting," and I don’t want

anyone who claims to be straight-acting. This is not because I’m fem-I’m

not [although would it matter if I was?]. I’m sure I could pass as straight

in the Post Office or down at the local sawdust-floor-pool-hall, or when

fixing my car dressed only in ripped overalls. Question is, why would I

want to be straight-acting? Do I want people thinking I’m straight?

What for?

Of course, history of gay life has been the history of trying to pass.

And it’s been a short history too-10 years ago, it would have been unthinkable

to come out at school, or discuss gay marriage or gays in the military.

And it’s trendy to say, "yeah I’m gay but you should still respect

me because I’m no different from you-I’m straight-acting."

But there’s a problem. See, we don’t want them to like us for being straight-acting.

We want them to like us because we’re gay, and because being gay

is a great way to be, just like any other way. As long as straight-acting

is the only "normal," then we’ll never feel good about ourselves.

Freedom means really being able to act how we want. They go around

kissing their girlfriends in the street-why shouldn’t we be able to do the

same thing? And yes-this is "gay acting." And yes, I think we

ought to do it. It’s an expression of love just like theirs, and that’s

what life is for.

When we go around dopily chanting straight-acting, we glorify the exact

people who oppress us, while rejecting the people who support us, who fight

for us.

As for the question of straight-acting versus "nelly-acting,"

I also don’t see why we shouldn’t be "nelly-acting." There’s a

lot of good things about being nelly-acting as opposed to straight-acting.

Straight-acting means being hard, not showing emotion, not ever crying,

not buying flowers, always being dominant in sex [who would want to do that?]

and generally acting like the Marlboro Man. Personally, if that’s what straight-acting

is, I would rather have someone nelly-acting. Many of the sexiest guys are

androgynous; straight people have been busy creating the "new man"

who is sensitive and has a lot of traits traditionally attributed as sex-neutral;

meanwhile, we’ve been busy glorifying Mr. Hard, who is straight-acting,

rides a bronco, and of course is never gay.

Well personally I am neither straight-acting or nelly-acting. I am me-acting,

and I don’t care who thinks so. Because in all this rush for straight-acting,

we are busy copying straight guys, and they are such a screwed-up group

I suspect they’d be happier if they copied us instead.

Plus, as everyone knows, straight-acting guys are so repressed that they

can’t get it up.

-Christian Mars