So, in actuality. I went out on Sunday…
I went out shopping with Austin.
God, I know! I shouldn’t have!
We had a good time, although it was wierd. I went into the changing room with him cause he’s wierd like that.
But he was just so fucking adorable! I wanted to just grab him in there and make out with him. And why couldn’t I though.. Why doesn’t he like me like that, every indication he’s ever made has been that he does!
Ugh, I’m so fucked up.
So this weekend was horrible, as you’ve probably all already guessed.
I spent a large portion of it in bed, not wanting to get up and just crying.
Why is it that whenever I go out on a limb and plan things in advance with people things always get fucked up. And then I get even more depressed because of the list of things we had talked about doing will never get done now.
– Flying a kite on the beach
– Trip to San Fran
– Trip to Phoenix
– Watching all of Sex and the City
– More roller coasters
And there’s a lot of other things. I actually made alist of all the shit we had talked about doing that will never get done now. :'(
I had this guy Patrick over on Saturday night to hang out. He brought me cookies and food and sad depressing movies. It was nice of him. We watched Finding Neverland and A Walk To Remember. After the second one, I kinda had a major break down. He was very nice and comforting, which was good. It helped. Thank god someone acts like they care, even though I had never met him before.
I still just can’t believe that he’d just walk out of everything. You know? Like I have all these unanswered questions now that will never get answered, and it pisses me off so much. Mainly, what was I to him then? Obviously I wasn’t that great of a friend for him to just walk out on, yet he claimed I was so much. What was Disney then if he has no feelings for me? What were all those times when he’d call me all upset and just wanting to talk for an hour or more. What were those times when he’d come to my house unexpectedly and just want to cuddle and talk. What was it when we’d lay in bed an he’d hold me so close, and kiss my cheak and my back and my hands, what was it? What was it when he was thinking he might have to move to San Diego, and he said, “Well you’ll have to come along obviously, or at least visit every weekend”.
What was all that, if he says he has no feelings for me? He says he likes me, just “Not as boyfriends.” But he doesn’t have a good reason for that. I ask him, he says I’m boring (IE, I don’t dance at the clubs). When I get upset because he’s over generalizing as boring he says that he’s just saying that, he doesn’t mean I’m boring. But then I try and get real reasons out of him and he says, “I don’t have a reason, I just don’t” or “It’s none of your business why”. Excuse me, it is my business why you don’t like me when all you’ve done is acted like you do! Besides, if you don’t like someone like that I think there is ALWAYS a reason why.
Where did I fuck up, where?
I want to know what’s going on with this Orlando guy, I just want to know if they are fucking. Gah.
Sunday I spent the day in bed, being sad and depressed and thinking about what it would take to get a week or two back in Iowa. I wouldn’t want to make it a full vacation, I’d want to keep working while I was there, but I’m not sure if they’d allow me to do that. I could go into Krell or NPHS to get high speed internet, so that’s not an issue. Perhaps I will talk with JP this morning about it.
BTW, there were crazy storms this weekend all around here. It was insane, lots of snow up in the mountians. I want to go play in it. :'(
Adios.
If I could be a tree I would
provide shade for all mankind.
If I could be the sea I would
be calm for all to travel.
If I could be the sun I would
provide warmth for all living things.
If I could be the wind I would
be a cool breeze on a hot summer day.
If I could be the rain I would
keep the earth fertile.
But, to be any one of these things would be to miss out on all the rest. And this is why, if I could be anything I would be nothing more then me.
— Ken Krik.
If only I could feel that way too….
If only I felt like I was worth being around and felt like I had something to add to my friendships. Maybe I wouldn’t push them away.
Maybe I wouldn’t.
Maybe things would be better.
I’m only asking for help.
Ha, I’ve been saving these up from post secret for a while… But they sure explain how I feel right now:
Went to the play today, it was really good. I’d suggest seeing if it you’re in the Orange County area.
Ugh. Black Jettas Everywhere… It’s depressing.
This random guy Jon that I met at the boom last night just e-mailed me.. Said it was nice meeting me, blah blah.
Also had this really cute boy come up and start talking to me like right when I got there and he was being really touchy. But then I had to go meet Joel. Wish I hada stayed around him though. Coulda probably got a good make out. lol.
I’ve been thinking aobut just running back to Iowa for a week. I almost called JP this morning to talk to him about the logistics of working if I did. I feel like I need time back there. This is so horrible.
Hmm, so thursday night was pretty good. I went out with Robert for his birthday, we went to H Marys and hung out. I drank a lot and got pretty drunk. The waiter was flirting with me. And he wasn’t very cute.
Today Austin and I got in a huge fight. I again told him that I can’t handle being friends with him if he’s going to keep draging me through all this shit… His response.
“Alright then we’re done… goodbye”.
God damnit. Why does everyone just flow through my life like butter on a hot skillet. I’m sorry that I fell in love with him, and he can’t handle that. I’m sorry that you’re such a jerk and you can’t see that you hurt the hell out of me when you talk about having sex with some random guy who you’re going on a second fucking date with.
God damnit. I left work early because I was just sitting there crying anyways.
I called up this guy and asked him to go see a matinee with me.
So we went and saw TransAmerica. It was really good, but I spent most of the movie crying and being annoyed by the guy. He kept fucking talking through the whole thing and he was SO LOUD. Ugh, I wanted to punch him. Plus his voice was just annoying as hell. Gah.
Came home and sat around a bit. Getting ready for the other two dates…
They both sucked.
Called Austin to try and work things out.. He didn’t give a shit so now we’re through for good.
I just wanna fucking die now. I hate my fucking life.
Why do I fuck everything up.
The one person who I’ve REALLY connected with since I moved here and now he’s gone… Gone.