Army, Therapy, Hike

Friday I had my first therapy session. It was just a quick 30 minute discussion about why I wanted to meet with him and what topics to cover. The guy is a gay and used to work at the HIV clinic in SF. So at least he’s familiar with the specific issues unlike the crazy old white religious guy I went to see in Tri-Cities. We talked about Calvin a bit and how much I regret us breaking up, talked about the stigma I personally have with HIV, and discussed my sadness of having no friends.

Just a quick chat but he said that I need to come up with a list of three things to do by the next meeting. First one I would say would be to go out with a few people.

I did just that, on Saturday I did a 7 mile hike with this guy I had been chatting with for a while. He was nice and I had fun. He invited me to go on a 15 mile hike on the 27th. Perhaps I will do that.

The hike itself was beautiful. It was called the San Pablo Ridge Trail. We got there early in the AM and were the only people to start. It was overcast and cold and had rained the previous day so the trail was super muddy. About an hour in it cleared up and was sunny and we ended up with some amazing views of the city, the golden gate bridge. Astra even got to chase some cows! They were not impressed by her.

Army is confusing as fuck. He and I finally had a phone convo on Friday AM. I basically told him that I really liked him but we need to figure out WTF is happening. Since then he’s been chatty but everything is very short lived. Like I asked him what he’s up to today. He replied “eat,sleep, workout”. OK. WTF. But he has been saying goodnight and good morning since then. We shall see. Yesterday he got into this whole “daddy needs to buy me something” again and I told him “I’m not a sugar daddy, just a daddy. Thanks” he replied “Cool” and I said “Cool??” He didn’t reply again until 5 hours later when he said “goodnight sir”. I just don’t get him, nor do I get why I am trying to hard for someone who’s clearly not putting any effort into liking/impressing me back.

Chatting with a few guys on OKCupid, we shall see if any of those become a date/in person meeting.

I had this insane vivid dream the other night that I started school again at ISU. Ever since then I have really been regretting that when I was laid off I didn’t take a different path. I really fucked myself by doing what I did. I should have used that opportunity to go back to school.

I have a roommate moving in with me end of this week, we shall see how well this goes, but it will be nice to have the income and lower out of pocket cost for living.

Over and over

I always seem to get stuck in this routine of finding guys that I just cannot have that I want.

Two years ago, I met this guy Randy (aka army) here in DSM. I was still dating calvin at the time so we just met as friends. Saw a movie together while I was home. Hung out a bit. But nothing else happened. We sort of stayed in touch for a bit after that, just chit-chatting. Nothing major.

Last christmas we re-connected but only via txt. He ditched me the one time we were supposed to hang out. I stopped talking to him after that… We re-connected again midyear for some reason. I forget why/how. But then again stopped talking.

This year I was on Tinder and found him again and we started chatting more. I invited him to come hot tub, I never thought he would agree, but he actually showed up. We hot tubbed for 2 hours just chit-chatting, cuddling. I kept trying to give him a kiss but he would always turn his face.

We went up to my room after and laid in bed and cuddled and watched 90 day fiance. about mid-way through we started actually kissing, and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. it was honestly horrible, mostly because i was top and it’s been a long time since i topped someone. haha.

We finished the TV show and then he left. i was sad that he wouldn’t stay and cuddle the ngiht away.

Didn’t see him again until Christmas night. That night I was over at my aunts house and I invited him over and he actually showed up. I was shocked for a second time! And even more shocked because he met my aunt, cousin and my grandma all at once. So awk. but we had a fun time. AFter that he came back to my place, we hot tubbed again and then watched a movie and cuddled in bed. He again left 🙁 this time he was a little more kissey but nothing else happened.

Then lastly I saw him yesterday. We had a 2 hour lunch and then he had to go to a family thing.

Overall, he’s a really great guy. Ambitious, smart, super cute. But there’s a lot of little things that are either confusing or annoying.

He takes forever to text back. IE I sent him mutiple texts last night started at 5pm and he hasn’t replied to any of them. But yet he was on grindr and posting to snap chat. Granted he was with family. But if he could be on grindr, he could have replied.

He’s not very open about what he actually feels. I get the sense he really likes me as well, but then he also says things that seem like he doesn’t give a shit. IE last night we were saying goodbye and he said “i don’t want you to see me cry”.. but then he said something snappy right after that that kinda put me off. And when we said goodbye, it was just a quick hug and then he walked off.

He makes these jokes that I can’t tell if they are really jokes.

He goes out drinking a lot…. Which, I sort of get because it’s the holiday period, lots of family in town, etc. From what I’ve gathered over the past few years of knowing him during a typical week he’s up at 5am, working out, going to work, going to school, doing army shit. etc. So I get that he’s young (23) and so during these break times, he’s out partying. When I was 23, I did the same thing

He’s YOUNG… He’s mature but also very immature at the same time. He enlisted in the army because his parents could no longer afford college for him. He works 3 jobs to pay for stuff. So he’s mature that way. But he’s also very immature in his ability to share feelings, stuff like that.

Anyway, we talked about going to vietnam together. I doubt that’ll ever happen… I told him to come visit me. He said “if you buy the ticket”. I told him I would split the cost with him and he said “Nope”.

I always get stuck into these same routine over and over again. Finding guys I like who are not really feasible to date.

I’m so ready to just settle down. I want to be married by now!

Boarding flight now. I gotta go!

To the Bay

A lot has happened since my last real post, about my breakup with Calvin. We’ve still been texting every day but we haven’t really talked since the breakup. I still wonder to myself if it was the right decision. I haven’t been on a date since, been getting more and more depressed and just sitting at home with Astra.

Then in June I was notified that the company was being sold. I wasn’t sure to who, but was given a huge list of things to prepare for them. I was one of the first people to know, but being the lead IT person you have to get them a lot of information early in the process. In August I met the new owners, they were nice but I found out they were MORMON. Yes, the LDS Church itself was buying out the company! I could go on for hours about how I feel about that.

In November the sale completed. It was an asset only buy out, so on Tuesday we were working for the old company, at the end of the day, we all got fired and then on Wednesday we were told if we had a new job or not. I didn’t have a job. I was asked to stay on for 6 months during the transition. This week is my last week with the company.

I decided I would really push to try and grow my VOIP business, I hired a sales person, a business consultant, marketing campaigns. I’ve spent $15k+ and I have 0 new customers to show for that.

I quickly found a new job at a food processing company in the Bay area of California. They agreed that they would wait until the 6 months were up. I’ve spent 10 years of my life in California, I really didn’t want to move back there so I continued applying for jobs elsewhere. All I’ve received are rejection letters.

This past weekend was packing day. My entire life has been shoved again into shipping containers. I’m moving to California. Starting life again with no friends, a new job, a new city.

I’m not happy about it. As I stated in my last post (although now I’m a year older). I was hoping that by now in my life I would be married, happily living in a house with a huge yard on the edge of a bigger city. Our dogs, our life, being happy.

Instead, I’m constantly on the verge of tears almost every day. I go home, I walk my dog, I sit and I watch TV. I contemplate what’s next in life, what else could I be doing for money/life.

If only I weren’t HIV+, this would be easier to just NOT take a job for 6 months and try to find something else. But I have to have healthcare, I have to buy a $2,500/month medicine to live.

If only I were more able to think about ways to support myself, grow honey and eggs, sell everything and become a farmer, be a better salesman and grow my VOIP, become a woodworker or metal worker. Just something, anything that would allow me to live life and not work for “the man”. To make someone ELSE rich.

Here I am upsetting my life, moving back to California, and not happy in the least about doing it.

What’s really upsetting about this is seeing some of the people I’ve dated in the past. There’s this one guy, at the time he was a college drop out with no job, I introduced him to a friend, I pushed him to go back to school. Now, he’s living the live _I_ would want. Running his own business, being successful. Why can’t _I_ actually do that for myself.

Facebook Deactivated

It’s been a while since I last wrote a personal blog entry….

I’m not even really sure where to start…. I’ve been working like crazy, life has been insanely boring. Calvin and I are still together. I basically have no friends.

I spent the first half of this year constantly on the road, Miami, Portland, Pasco, all over the place. Calvin got into Saskatoon, the last of his choices, the worst possible place for me. -40F in the winter. Snow 8 months of the year. Small ass town.

I flew there in “spring” to visit him. It was still cold, gross little city. Dirt everywhere, the roads were so bad you had no idea where the lines were. He claims it’s beautiful right now, but how long can that last before it’s cold and snowy and gross again. I’m not sure what to do with this whole situation, I keep swinging wildly between moving there and just staying here in LA.

I basically have no friends left anymore. No one contacts me for anything. I’ve been getting depressed and more depressed lately because of this. Brian and Hut are going out all the time on the weekends with andrew. Hut is going to Palm Spring and Vegas all the time with Andrew. Brian has David, Hut has Andrew. Jason moved in with Chicken. Syliva has her boyfriend. Everyone is basically partnered up now but me, only because my bf lives 2000 miles away.

I can’t believe that Hut is back with Andrew either, he’s fucking moving in with him at the end of this month. After what he’s done to him, how can he ever fucking do that. And to make it worse both him and brian keep pushing me to hang out with Andrew. Hell fucking no.

Hut has been going on all these trips with Dan, not inviting me. I thought he and i were close. But apparently not.

The last straw was finding out that Claudia moved back to LA. Someone I thought was one of my best friends, moves back to the city and never even bothers to contact me or even let me know. WTf.

I’ve had it with all this shit. I’m tired of watching facebook and seeing all these people go out and doing shit and not inviting me. Rex asked me to dinner the other day. I said “When and where” and he replied “Too many questions”. WTF. I have to fucking know WHEN AND WHERE if you want to have dinner with me.

This past weekend the movie Guardians of the Galaxy came out. Hut saw it with Andrew. Brian saw it with David. Brian texted me the next day and said “I considered inviting you but decided you wouldn’t drive that far”. WTF?! He’s always “considering” me, but never actually inviting me.

Fucking bullshit.

I sort of want a dog to fill this hole. Something that I have to come home to, take care of, something that will give me attention no matter what. Maybe a bad reason to get one. But I’m so lonely right now

As far as calvin goes. I have no idea what to do with him. Like I said, I swing wildly between wanting to move there and wanting to break up. I go from “let’s get married when I come” to “let’s break up when I come”. I just don’t know what to do. So many factors, so many things to take into account. What to do with my house, my stuff, my life (or lack thereof).

I just don’t know and I’m really depressed. I’ve gained like 30 pounds, I’m not sleeping, I just don’t know.

It’s been a while

It’s been a long while since I’ve blogged. I’ve been busy and yet not doing anything much at all. It’s tough after so long to get back into this.

Things with Calvin and I have been great. I’ve been visiting him every month and he spent the whole summer here. But at the same time, things have not been so great. After a year of dating (tomorrow) he still doesn’t trust me at all to do anything. It puts a huge amount of stress on our relationship and I’ve thought about breaking up a few times already with him. Not a good sign.

I met this guy Hut who’s fun to hang out with, he loves climbing, hiking, etc. So I’ve been spending a lot of time with him. Calvin is of course very jealous and it’s been causing lots of problems. Every time I want to hang out with him we have to have a 30+ minute “talk” about his problems and concerns with me hanging out with Hut. It’s very annoying.

I admit I was like that for a while with him hanging out with this “Francious” guy. But I quickly got over it and now whenever he tells me they are going to hang out I just say “Ok baby, hope you have fun”. And I don’t drag it out the way Calvin does.

Calvin also is very snoopy. A while back I was at his house and he snooped through my txt messages on my phone. The next time I saw him I locked my phone with a much longer password to prevent this. But it still didn’t stop him from snooping. We were sitting in bed one night and I got up to pee. He snooped through my facebook messages while I was gone. And then lied to me when I confronted him about it.

IF anything, who is the one who cannot be trusted? He’s the one snooping and lying to me. He’s the one who is going out to bars without telling me about it. I haven’t done any of that. The worst I have done is to “flirt” with other guys via txt/facebook. Yes, I admit, not the smartest or best thing to do. But also not something that should “break all trust” we have built.

He has serious issues with trusting me.

I’m going to visit him in 2 weeks for american Thanksgiving. Then he and his whole family is coming here for Christmas. I hope we can make it that long.

Enough about him.

Other things that have been up, I’ve been to a bathhouse now. Three times. All with calvin. It was very interesting each time. I sort of really enjoy it and really hate it at the same time. THe last time was the best. We were in the hot tub and there were these two really hot guys having sex next to us.

I went to china. Spent almost a whole month there. Best trip experience of my life. I had so much fun. So much happened there that it’s almost impossible to recount to late after it happened, but we visited 7 cities in 21 days.

Work has been exciting and yet boring all at the same time. I completed that project, got my bonus. But since then it’s been maint and nothing new has really happened. I honestly spend 90% of my time answering the same questions over and over again. I could sit at home and do nothing for most of the day and still be ahead on all my work. Carl has basically said they want to hire me sometime in the next 6 months. We shall see if that comes to fruition. I would love to have a new job like that but at the same time, that company seems so disorganized and out of it that I’m not sure I could deal with it.

Our CEO died and our sales manager is the new boss around here. So far nothing major has changed but will be interesting to see what happens. I don’t think he has the same vision that our CEO had so I fear the company will become stagnant. There have been a lot of changes internally regarding structure, but nothing much else has changed.

I’m going to try and start updating more often again…