My Issues?

Sooo.. I’m starting therapy again. My first appointment is early tomorrow morning. We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully I can find one here that I like. I tried a few different ones through the years of college, and none of them were very good. So we’ll see.

Today I broke the $20k mark in my cushion fund. Angel said I should just move back to my parents house and live for a while. I could easily live for over a year on that amount. But for anyone who knows me, knows that I’m obsessed with saving money, and I HATE spending money if there’s no income. I think I can hold out for a little while longer. Plus like I said before I’d feel like I’d been beat if I do move back there to my parents… I think just moving back to the midwest in general would be better.

Just to give you a sample of the crazyness that’s on myspace around here… this random guy sent me a message yesterday. It said “How long have you lived in Cali? Midwest boy’s rock my socks! :D”… So I read it like 5 minutes after he sent it… I really didn’t feel like replying to it right then and there, because I wasn’t in the mood to be friendly towards someone random, and making small talk. And since he didn’t give hardly anyting to talk about I felt it best to wait. So then like 20 minutes later he sends me this NASTY message bitching about how he expects people to reply to him and blah blah blah… OMG calm the fuck down people!

Yesterday was a really productive day here at the office, but now I’ve got nothing to do today and my boss is out of the office. It’s been getting harder and harder to get my ass out of bed every morning and to come in.

Ginny is here on Saturday! Woot! 😀 Thank god!

OMG

Omg, I just hooked up with someone!

He’s this really cute Military boy, who goes to Soka just down the street from me. And he’s into Computers and stuff.

He was really nice, but ummm.. we did it.

He didn’t finish though cause he said he was nervous, which I suppose is ok. But makes me feel sad, cause what if he just didn’t think I was hot enough?

Hmm.

Anyways it was pretty hot. I’m going to try and get to know him more.

I also applied to 15 jobs back in the MidWest. Mostly Chicago area.

No Phone

My phone just broke….Well, more correctly. I just broke my phone…

Months of pent up anger are really starting to show, and I’m taking it out on certian people and objects. I think the snapping part was my call to Andrew last week and his absolute refusal to make any sort of repsonse.

Good thing I ordered a new Samsung a950 online today.

So yeah.. I have no phone for a while.

Adios.

Always a let down.

Why is it that things are always a let down for me… And never what I was expecting.

Grrr.

So Friday I got home from work and was just going to spend it alone and sit on my damn couch being pissed off at Austin and humanity and the world and just wishing I could not fucking care about it.

I watched Dorian Blues and talked to Angel… Talking to her REALLY makes me want to move back to Iowa.

But Austin called and asked if I wanted to go out to H Marys with him… Stupidly I said yes…. BAD FUCKING IDEA. So he wasn’t going to come over till 10:30, and I was just going to sit and watch TV and shit till then. But he ended up showing up at like 9:30. We sat and tried talking, but he was just giving me short one word answers and shit. So I just stopped talking.

Then he was like, “Lets watch this movie”, it was “Best In Show”. I said I didn’t want to start it because we would be leaving soon, but he said, “We can watch it and go whenever”

So then like 40 minutes into the movie he says to stop it and go to the club. I said that I wanted to finish the movie. So thenhe’s like, “Well I’m just going to go now then”. So I get pissed off at him for being such a jerk about things. So I tell him to just get the hell out, and I go and lock myself in the bed room.

Well everyone knows me, I can’t just let things go. I have to try and talk them all out. So I call him and we start talking and then talking leads to major yelling and It’s all very reminicent of Andrew.

Then there’s a knock on my door and it’s him and he just walks in and I try getting him to just talk to me, but he pushes me into the bed room and tells me to lay down. So I lay down and we talk for a bit with him just standing there. Then he gets in bed and starts trying to be all cuddly and shit. And he’s just like, “I’m just trying to change you to be more emotional and to show more excitement”. And blah blah blah. I dunno. Somehow it ended up with him spending the night! GOD, how did that fucking happen?!

So he spent the night and then in the morning we got up and I cooked him breakfast and then we went out shopping for a bed frame for me. Went to Levitz and then Ikea, and we had a really good time. Came home and he left and I sat around for the rest of the afternoon.

Went to Verizon to get a new phone cause they are having an amazing sale. Well I get there and am told that I have to sign up for help? WTF is that? Then I wait for 30 minutes to get someone to even talk to me. Then I’m told that they can’t do ANYTHING because I don’t have a California number. So I get pissed and just leave. Fucking Idiots. So I call the customer service and THEY tell me that they CAN help so I go back in and am told that I’ll have to wait in line AGAIN. So I said SCREW that and left.

Came home and sat around some more then Michael called me, and I went over there and watched Rent. He tried making out with me, but I’m just not into him like that. So I had to tell him to stop. Austin called in there and said he wanted to go out that night. I told him No that I was hanging out with Michael that night. But then Michael wouldn’t stop trying to make out with me, and I got annoyed, plus I wanted to try making up for Friday night. So I left as soon as the movie was over and called Austin… Suddenly he was TOO TIRED. YET ANOTHER LET DOWN. Fucking shit.. I just can’t stop torturing myself, huh? Guess what time he ended up going to bed…. Anyone? Oh! That’s right, 1am! Yep tooooo tired to do anything? Eh?!

God.

So I get up this morning and sit around my house. I went shopping to the Nursery and bought some new plants and some fertalizer for my Hibuscus. Hopefully they will be more happy now.

Came home and there was SHIT on TV. So i read some of my book.

Talked to Austin some more… There I go torturing myself again! I asked him if he wanted to hang out and watch the sunday night line up on Fox, like we’ve done before… Again, maybe to salvage just a little tiny bit of this weekend…

He said, “I dunno”… Which was fine, cause that was a like 1 or something.

So I sat around and watched Stripes which I’ve seen like a million times before. Such a horrible movie.

Anyways, Austin finially gets back to me about this and says that he’s going to go see Brokeback with the guy who was over on Friday when I went over there.

Ugh, very pissed off.. A) Because I’ve asked Austin to go see Brokeback with me like 5 or 6 times, and every time he says he thinks it looks stupid and he doesn’t want to go see it. B) I’m pissed because I wanted to fucking hang out with him.

So now we’ve been fighting for 2 hours now. And he just said:

4:13:25 PM austin: sorry i ruined your life

4:13:55 PM blackc2004: you’ve been nothing but an emotional roller coaster for me austin.

4:14:12 PM austin: well sory

4:14:18 PM austin: i’m fucked up and overdramatic

4:14:29 PM blackc2004: I’d agree with that

4:14:45 PM austin: well then i think we’re done here.

4:14:50 PM austin: Goodbye chris

4:14:55 PM blackc2004: done here with what?

4:15:29 PM blackc2004: ……

4:15:42 PM austin: this aweful emotional rollercoaster for u

4:15:44 PM austin: i’m going

4:15:44 PM austin: bye

Now he won’t fucking answer me or his phone.

God damnit… Why can’t I just drop his ass and move on. I know it’s the best thing I should do right now.

I’m going to start applying for jobs out of state again.

Ugh, I forgot to mention ANOTHER let down… On Friday everyone from the SA Team went out drinking together.. No one invited me. I heard them talking about changing the place where they were going to hold it as I was leaving work. That makes me feel really bad.

Ahhhh! Boys!

Ok, when you’re talking to someone….

It’s only NICE and POLITE of you to say “GOODBYE” if you’re going to leave.

8:42:30 AM blackc2004: Ahh… Well thats not TOO bad.

Austin went away (8:44:50 AM)

Away Message: I am away from my computer right now. (8:44:50 AM)

8:48:11 AM blackc2004: BYE

8:48:11 AM Austin: (Autoreply): I am away from my computer right now.

8:50:10 AM Austin:: what

Austin came back (8:50:11 AM)

8:50:25 AM blackc2004: i just HATE it when people go away and don’t say BYE or something

8:50:30 AM Austin:: chris

8:50:33 AM Austin:: we talk online all the time

8:50:43 AM Austin:: does it matter?

8:50:44 AM blackc2004: So, if you go away you should still at least say something

8:50:46 AM blackc2004: yes it does

8:50:47 AM blackc2004: it annoys me

8:50:51 AM Austin:: my away message indicates i’m gone

8:51:04 AM blackc2004: So you can at least finialize the converstation with a “goodbye”

8:51:17 AM Austin:: whatever

8:51:26 AM blackc2004: fine, whatever, goodbye

8:51:26 AM Austin:: you’ve left before

8:51:28 AM Austin:: i don’t wanna hear it

8:51:40 AM Austin:: you’ve done it before chris

8:51:52 AM Austin:: u did it yesterday

8:51:57 AM blackc2004: if I’ve left it’s because someone has COME TO MY DESK and I’m just not touching my computer it and puts up an away message automatically

8:52:02 AM Austin:: well

8:52:10 AM Austin:: GOD

8:52:13 AM Austin:: i don’t even care

8:52:15 AM Austin:: i’m going faxing

8:52:15 AM Austin:: bye

8:52:19 AM blackc2004: fine, bye

8:52:45 AM Austin:: you’re starting to sound a lot like that crazy guy

8:52:59 AM blackc2004: just go fax

8:59:12 AM Austin:: i’m screening the home line, you might wanna leave a message next time

Austin came back (8:59:13 AM)

8:59:20 AM blackc2004: I DID leave a message jack ass

8:59:33 AM Austin:: im talking about the home line – not my cell

9:01:06 AM Austin:: chris

9:01:09 AM Austin:: get over it ok

9:01:26 AM blackc2004: Austin, don’t tell me to get over it… It’s NORMAL CONVERSTATION for someone to say good bye

9:01:33 AM blackc2004: and you BLOCKING me is REAL FUCKING mature

9:01:41 AM Austin:: I LEFT FOR 5 MINUTES AND CAME BACK

9:01:52 AM blackc2004: NO, you blocked me

9:02:21 AM Austin:: i’m talking about u getting mad the first time today

9:02:45 AM blackc2004: And I’m talking about simply saying… ‘brb” or ‘bye’ it’s 3 letters, and it’s only polite

9:03:12 AM Austin:: 8 minuts

9:03:18 AM Austin:: no

9:03:19 AM Austin:: fuck you

9:03:24 AM Austin:: i’m not doing that for an 8 minute break

9:03:29 AM Austin:: no

9:03:33 AM Austin:: i’m doign any of this bullshit

9:03:39 AM Austin:: your im ediquite

9:03:47 AM Austin:: i’ll elave when i want for however long i want

9:03:50 AM Austin:: and if i don’t wanna talk to u

9:03:51 AM Austin:: i’ll block u

9:04:00 AM Austin:: ok?

9:04:00 AM blackc2004: fine, i’m not going to deal with tha tthen.

9:04:02 AM Austin:: good

9:04:03 AM Austin:: dont

I REALLY don’t need a friend like that. God, why is he being such a FUCKING JERK about this.

GOD. I just don’t know what to fucking do.