I love you.. But I’m not IN love with you…

Oh those wonderful words… I’d rather hear. “I hate your guts and never want to see you again.”

But instead, I heard those words. Along with. “I just need to grow myself”. “I really care about you, but I’m not in love with you”. “The spark is just missing”. And lots of other stuff.

Over the last 3 days, Constantine and I have spent nearly 4 hours on the phone. Discussing, arguing and crying over what’s going on in our relationship. I spent my whole day Monday at work bawling my eyes out. I hope that no one noticed. I was devastated that day because I was sure that he was going to end things with me that evening.

It all started on Sunday when I brought up the “I love you” thing. I’ve said it to him for a little over a month now, but he hardly ever said it back. The first time I wrote it to him in Russian and he said. “Thanks”. So I brought it up. He says he loves me, but he’s not in love with me. He says that he misses me, but doesn’t want me to come spend time there. He says he cares about me, but isn’t excited about his trip back next week. He’s only indifferent.

He says he used to love me, that he used to care about me and miss me. But it went away. Because we never expressed it. We never said I love you up till a month ago. On our 6 month anniversary. I listened to a friend who said, “Don’t say it to early. You’ll scare him away”. So I waited until I couldn’t keep it in any more. And now I’ve potentially lost my boyfriend. This amazing person, the only person I’ve cared for so much since Andrew.

Since he’s left, I’ve spent so much time thinking about him. Wanting him to be back, wanting to hold him and kiss him again. Wanting to be able to talk to him for hours and to just look into his eyes as we lay in bed. I’ve spent so many nights not being able to sleep because I miss having him next to me. Over the last 6 months, I’ve found that emotional side of me again. The caring and loving Chris that’s been hidden since the days of Andrew. I’ve found that better side of me. The one that wants to treat his boyfriend so caringly and so lovingly that he’ll never want to let me go. And I tried to do that as much as I could. But instead I lost him because I was to afraid of losing him to tell him that I loved him. I did everything I could to show him, but I guess that wasn’t enough.

He doesn’t mind not talking every day, he doesn’t mind if I txt him something sweet and he doesn’t respond, because he’s not in love with me.

When I love someone, the only thing I want to do is sit and talk to him. I could do nothing but sit around all day and talk and go and see things and hang out and hold his hand and cuddle with him and kiss him oh so softly on the lips. I wish that we didn’t have to work so that I could spend every second of every day with him.

I hate not being the last one to say good night to him, I hate not being the first to say good morning. I hate not knowing what he’s up to and missing all the things he does every day. Small things matter so much to me. I’m crazy like that. “What’d you have for dinner”. “What time did you get home”. “When did you get to bed”. “Did anything make you happy/mad at the office today”. These are all questions that I love asking and love knowing about. It may seem small, stupid things, but I love knowing them, I love finding them out. Instead he just sees hem as controlling.

So we’ve spent the last two days going back and forth. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” … “I don’t want to lose you, but you deserve better then this”. “I’m so devoid of emotions and I think you need more then that.”

He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but he doesn’t know if he wants to continue. We talked about the emotions things and I suggested he get a therapist while he was there to try and work through it. I hope that he does.

In the end, after all the crying and yelling was done. We decided to wait till he comes back next week. See how things go and then decide what’s going to happen.

One part of me wants to just start distancing myself emotionally now. But another part is screaming at me saying. “You have to make this the best weekend of his life. You can’t let him get away.” I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of crying over him, but I care about him so much. He’s been an amazing boyfriend, few emotions and all.

I think the whole issue is just because he’s in a new place. I am a little controlling, and we’re at that critical time in our relationship where the spark is in fact fading and we must work harder to keep the fire burning while he is so far away….. I hope that things turn out for the better. I have to be honest that over the last few days thoughts of suicide have started to come back. Why must I be so fucking dramatic? I am going to go see a therapist on my own to work through those issues and the few remaining issues I have with the breakup from Andrew regarding long distance and trust. So I hope that I can become a better boyfriend for Constantine and I hope that Constantine will go and see someone so that he can become a better boyfriend as well.

Below is a letter I wrote to him after our last big discussion….

Hey Babe.

I am really glad we talked again last night and were able to start working things out and start our spark back a little. I spent some time to do a little research and thinking again… I think that the following resources will really help us both and I will be trying to take the advice to make our relationship better. I’ve started this process by making a list of things in myself that I and you don’t like. A few of them I’ve already started to work on. Such as not bottling things up, others are new that we’ve talked about or brought up over the last few days. I also started a list of things that I’d like to see us work on together or little things that I think can help us in the long run.


A few things that I need to accept in myself:

1) Calm down – I need to give you space to enjoy your time there. I will make a resolution to not freak out when you go out and to stop the questions that you feel have a negative undertone.
2) Give you space – I feel that the following quote is best suited for this:
“Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples break up to “find themselves”, but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.”
3) I want to talk more about what we want out of life in the long run.
4) Go out more myself and take this time to find and make better friends so that you don’t feel like I am dependent on you.
5) Not to bottle things up. If something is bothering me, bring it up immediately.

A few things that I want us to work on together:

1) Sharing our feelings
2) Talk at least once a day.
3) Drinking tea together whenever we talk at night
4) Spend a few minutes each day thinking about the other person.
5) Take time to reminisce with each other about good things in the past.
6) Talk more about our history, our childhood, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, our short and long term goals, etc.

I’d like for you to take a minute to think about what you can change that will make us a better couple. I’d also like for you to think of anything I’ve missed that either I can work on or that we can both work on.

Lastly, I know we talked about your emotions last night, and I think that you are genuine in wanting to change that some. I love the Constantine you are, few emotions and all. But it seemed like you were concerned about that in yourself and wanted to change. I took a couple minutes today to call a few places there, since I’ve been through so many therapists doors, I’m pretty good at picking them any more. I talked to one who’s just a few miles from your apartment, she doesn’t prescribe miracle pills and has a philosophy of active listening and self-development. She’s been very active in the gay community and said she regularly holds gay couples counseling sessions. Her name is Nancy White and you can call her at 713-961-5243. It’s completely up to you babe if you want to call or not. I love you for you. :-*

“If you rest upon the ground,
In the warmth,
I’ll become the grass.
And embrace you.”


PS. Sorry I’m so wordy lately!!! I hope this one doesn’t print out to 10 pages! haha.

A letter to Const…

Dear Constantine.

I just wanted to write you this morning. I did a lot of thinking and a lot of crying last night and just wanted to follow up with you before we talk tonight. I hope that you understand how much I care for you and how much you mean to me. I hope that while you’re thinking of what you want, that you’ll go back through all the photos of us and that you’ll think of how much fun we’ve had and how close we’ve gotten over the last 8 months. I hope that you’ll think of the times in Europe when we’re just wondering around. I hope that you’ll think of the nights we spent there hanging out and drinking tea and talking and playing cards. I hope that you’ll think of that first day we met and watched the fireworks. I hope that you’ll think through all this.

I love you and every part of you. Every moment we are not together my body aches. I love it when you smile, I love it when you talk, I love your voice, I love to see your face in the morning and I love to see your face every night. I love that we can talk nerdy, but we can have fun as well. I love that you camp and are adventurous, I love your wardrobe, I love your taste in music, I love your deepness, I love that we can read books together. I love how smart you are and how much background you have. I love that you’ve been so devoted to one company. I love that you’re so talented and creative with photography. I love that you are not afraid to be WE.

I wish that I would have been telling you all these things before. I wish that I hadn’t taken advice from an asshole. I wish that I hadn’t been afraid to show you how much I really cared for you.

That first night we met, that most wonderful July 4th. I wish that we could have cuddled up more on that blanket on the beach under the stars. But I’m so happy that shortly after that we’ve had the chance to be so close and spend so much time together. I don’t want to see that end. We’ve both made mistakes over the last few weeks/months. I want to take this time to fix those mistakes and not to give up on WE.

I admit that I am jealous and I will try on that very hard, it’s hard for me to not get to see you so at all after we’ve spent so much time seeing each other every weekend and 2-3 nights a week. I admit that I am sad when you go out and have fun and I am sitting at home, but I will work on that. I feel like I am missing out on this part of your life while you are there, and that makes me sad. I want you to have fun while you are there and make those steps that you need to take so that when you come back we can be even closer and even more in love. I want you to get back to your roots of photography and find whatever else you’ve been missing while with me.

And once you find that, I don’t want you to lose that when you come back. I want to share in that part of your life. I want to see you go out and do more photography here, I want to start climbing with you. I want to share in these things with you, I want to learn and see how happy you are when you do them. I want to be happy with you. There’s nothing more in this world right now then that I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy and be able to be WE. I want us to be happy together.

At the same time, I too have fallen away from a lot of the things that I like doing and that I used to spend a lot of time with. Programing random things, painting, doing various project, etc. While you are away I will work and am working on finding these individual things in myself again. I want you to share in these things with me too. I’d like it if you were to start biking with me. Even if it’s just a cruise up and down the beach. I’d love to share with you in painting the picture in my room. I’ve always loved photography as well and would love to learn a little bit from you. I’ll never be able to be as creative as you are, but I’d like to make my photos a little better.

I think the spark you talked about last night gets lost in every relationship. A spark of first meeting can never last, the fire eventually dies down, but as long as the coals are still glowing hot, the relationship survives. It’s the same as riding a roller coaster, the first time you have a huge spark, but by the 10th time, you just enjoy it and you become familiar with it. I think we’re at that spot in our relationship and now that you are 1,600 miles away we have to work a little harder to keep the coals burning bright. I feel that if we both work on this though, and work on the things we’ve discussed, that we can keep the fire burning and I hope that when you come back in April and when you finally return in the fall that we can have this amazing relationship and I hope that it will last for years and years.

In conclusion, I just wanted to get all this out there and say it in writing. I want you to know that I love you and that I’m terribly sorry for not expressing this earlier. I will work hard on the things we’ve discussed. I only want to be happy with you and for you to be happy.


American Gardens Suck

This weekend. I have decided that American Garden suck. They are just a hodge podge of mixed in plants and it alwasy just feels like most of the stuff is just an after thought. I went to Descanso Gardens this weekend and although it was nice. I really like European gardens much better.

Anyways, Overall this weekend has been very stressful. Const and I got in a huge fight on Thursday, we didn’t talk again till Friday afternoon and I felt like shit at work. I didn’t sleep and what not, so I just left work early and came home and was sad overall. Friday night I went to dinner with Sirin and her sister which was nice. Went to Green Temple again.

Saturday I freaked out again about Constantine going out. My fault completely because I’m crazy and this whole long distance thing sucks. I hate hate hate it. Miss him so much. I wrote him a big email which I feel like a fool now for sending to him. I also got in a big argument with Jason and ended up going to Erick’s house to chat and drink away the sadness. lol

Sunday I went rock climbing again which was tons of fun, well it was fun AFTER Const called me and we talked and got a lot of issues taken care of. I hope that he understands why I am so crazy about this stuff now and that hopefully he’ll be a little more understanding and responsive.

Rock climbing I did so much better at this weekend because I wasn’t as tired as last and I bought climbing shoes! I did an amazing job this weekend. There were some little kids with use as well and they are just crazy. One thing was that everyone kept telling me how amazing Const is at climbing. I can’t wait to get out there with him now and see what’s up. They also kept talking about other things he’s done and I feel like there’s so much more to him that I’m missing, and it makes me sad that I missed a lot of this past parts of his life. It also makes me really sad that I am missing out on this part of his life in Houston. Although he tells me about it, it’s not the same as being there to share in it. Again, another reason I hate long distance.

I can’t wait to see him on the 11th. I told him today, this is the closest I’ve let someone get to me since Andrew, and I feel very vulnerable right now with it all.

Anyways. That’s about it.

Photos are here.