may 31, #3 [savage garden, "crash and burn"] ok this is really
weird i just went up stairs to my room and laying on my bed there was a card,
and the cover read " every passage has it’s beacon. Every shadow has
it’s light, we must therefore keep watch. my friend, keep watch." and
the inside says, "Everything is going to be alright" and then they
wrote "love mom and dad"
may 31, #2 [bog seger, "hollywood nights"] well i just got back
from a night out with everyone that was lots of fun. it was good seeing everyone
for one last night before i leave town. yeah it was good. well this is chris
signing out from home. i’ll see ya all in a couple weeks.
may 31, [matchbox 20, "girl like that"] well it’s still early,
i’ve got almost everything packed, just a few small things are left to get
out to the car and such. i guess mandy and them are all planning something
for me. it should be cool. i’m happy. i’ve been in one of those moods all
day, you know like on the verge of crying but not there yet. yeah like that.
i went to lunch with angie, that was really good. we went to chli’s and one
of her friends was working there and he was our waiter. it was cool. he was
cute, lol. other then that not much going on. my car is packed full of shit
that i’m taking, it’s pretty funny, usually i can fit everything i need for
a week of camp into a backpack, but i have two foot lockers and a couple of
those little plastic drawer things. it’s all good though, i should have enough
shit to last all summer up there. yep, my last day in civilization. it sucks.
may 30, [fine young cannibals, "she drives me crazy"] so today’s
just been really really sucky. i spent this morning just packong shit and
going over all the knots and stuff that i have to know. yeah that wasn’t fun.
really not much has happened today, but i’ve been in a really downer mood.
my parents haven’t said anything to me but come eat and little shit like that.
i’ve tried talking to them both tonight and they just ignore me. alot of people
have been ignoring me lately. they really have. i feel so left out and alone,
in the middle of no where. i really do. i’ve been sitting here for the last
hour and a half or so. just waiting for people to pull into my drive way,
or hoping that someone will call. but no one’s around., and there’s nothing
to do. i’m agout ready to go crazy. i just want this to be over. i want out
of here. i want to be gone. my parents have been arguing all night about being
able to pay for college too. it’s like, you fuckers. you knew this was coming
why the hell havn’t you saved up for it or anything? [bee gee’s, "how
can you mend a broken heart"] and ya know they haven’t put in the fafsa
yet, so i really don’t feel sorry for them, the stupid bastards. and plus
i’m really getting pissed at them about the whole working thing too, i’ve
just been kinda listening to them, and they’ve been bitching about me not
working for the last year. and i jsut want so badly to fucking scream at them,
but how long have i been working, how much have i saved you so far because
you won’t pay for simple little things what i was younger, how much of MY
life has been wasted because you made me work in that god damn fucking store
and how much of my teenage life was wasted because i had to work at places
because you wouldn’t buy me a car, or pay for simple things that i needed.
they wouldn’t give me an allowance, they wouldn’t buy me little things that
i needed. they wouldn’t do shit for me. i’m really fucking surprised they’ve
even offered to pay for college and shit. [billy gilman, "another night"]
i jsut want to fucking scream at them right now, i really god damnit do. i
know i know, i’ve been using fucking alot again lately, but this is just really
damnit.
may 29, #3 [fine young canibals, "good thing"] tonight was pretty
cool. xak randomly showed up at my door and i was like, WTF are you doing
here, so we left and went to mandy’s but she wasn’t there. so we went to kum
and go, where we found her. then we went to julians house, i’d never been
there before, it was cool. we hung there tell mandy got off, then we went
to wal-mart picked up a layaway thing jules had and went to get mandy. then
we went off and we found nic, so we followed him home, and talked to him,
he was going to the westside to hang so we left him, came and got my car and
went to ankeny to eat, that was amusing, then we went to the westside to find
nic, where we found him, he offered substances to everyone, mandy jules and
i didn’t do any and mandy was uncomfortalbe with it so i took her home. then
i went back out there, and we just hung around talking and making fun of xak
cause he was funny. i’ve been really down though lately when i’m with the
group. cause i mean i feel realy bad about leaving all summer, and i really
don’t feel like i’m part of the group. i mean they always talk about, hey
remember this time or that time, and it’s like no, i wasn’t there. and it’s
just really sad. and plus i’m really going to miss them all this summer when
i’m gone. i mean ya know i’ll be home most weekends, but i’ll be so fucking
exhuasted, i proably won’t want to do much, if anything. and with the whole
feelings shit, which i’ve talked about up there in places, it’s really draggin
me down. but i really enjoy going out with them and all that. i realy really
do. people better come up and see me at camp. they better. damnit.<