Job FAIR! And hot bois!

So yeah, the job fair was today, most everyone that I talked to was looking for full timers. Not interns, so that sucked. However, I did get in a few places and they said that I had a good resume, so that’s cool. The Kraft guy even said that if I were graduating this year, he’d would have offered me a job right there. So that’s really cool.

There were also TONS of hot HOT bois there. I dunno what it is, but suits just make people look sooooo MUCH hotter! lol

So yeah, I’ve got a STACK of fucking things to go through. Almost everyone said to go put my resume on thier website as well, which I find stupid, cause why come to the Job Fair, if all you really want them to do is put it on your damn website!

Anyways, West Wings 2 hour season thing is tonight, so that’s exciting.

Laters!

Footsteps

I hate when somehow my entire world comes crashing down on me in one single moment. I went to youth group tonight. Things were going fine, sorta. Gerry informed me that Jenny was, in fact, not coming to youth group because I was there. So I guess you could say the night had a negative vibe from the get-go. So during group, we all bowed our heads and prayed. Well I honestly was afriad to, because I knew what would happen. But I faced my fear and did it. And what I thought would happen, did happen. I cried. I cried hard. I cried for a long time. I don’t remember the last time I did that. I don’t really wanna get into it right now, because I’m not even sure I can. I just.. I don’t know… I felt like such a horrible person as I was praying and I thought about all the horrible, terrible things I said about religion and God. Then I started thinking about the whole Jenny situation. I cried even harder. I felt so alone, so empty. I feel like part of me has been ripped away. And to make it worse, I don’t even know why. I concluded that it was something I did and I got more upset for doing whatever it is that I did. I don’t feel like myself. I’m not sure I know who I am. “I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again. I just want to feel deep in my own world, but I’m so lonely I don’t even wanna be with myself anymore.”–that about sums it up. What’s wrong with me? What did I do? I’m sorry Jenny. I’m sorry God. I’m sorry everyone. I try. I try so damn hard. And it gets me nowhere. The harder I try, the more people hate me, the more I get screwed over. Like, for instance, someone found my Physics notebook. Instead of being nice or something and letting Doc Stehn have it so that I could potentially get it back, whoever found it ripped out all of my Physics notes and then threw the book in the parking lot. I mean, what could I possible have done to deserve that? Clearly something. I’m sure it had something to do with being gay, because everything has something to do with me being gay. I lose friends because I’m gay. I make enemies with people I’ve never talked to before because I’m gay. I give everyone a reason to blame whatever I do on: I’m gay. I HATE IT! Sometimes I just don’t wanna be gay anymore. I can’t deal with all the hate and animosity that comes along with it. It’s not right to hate for that. I didn’t do anything. This isn’t my fault. I’m losing sense of purpose. I’m losing my identity. I feel like even my friends think of me as “gay”, not as “Andrew”. Well, shockingly enough, I am more than a stereotype. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing. Somebody please come save me. I need somebody to hug me and tell me everything will be alright. And while I was sitting in the pew crying, no one did that for me. No one. I hate myself. I hate the person I am.

Umm, Stuff!

So very random posting here today…

1) Everyone must go read THIS written by Mike!

2) I installed b2 .0.6.5pre something or another. It works, but when I went to use my template, it shows EVERY entry I’ve ever done, including the private ones, so that must be fixed before I do anything else.

3) My PU’s anniversary is coming up and things are wacko in the family. Planning, in our family, what a mess. I guess my aunt was supposed to call my PU’s to find out when they’re having a garage sale so that we can plan things around that. Well she never did, so now I have to… But anyways the funny part of the story is that my other Aunt called me last night to inform me about what was going on and one of the first things she said was “I just got off the phone with the f’n aunt.” Gee, imagine someone mad at her! roflol

Then I got this e-mail:

Grandma was to e-mail you about this,Janell has come up with a plan. all on her own,please, she wants the credit. Take your Mom and Dad to Hickory Park, then to your apartment, so that she can snoop, oh sorry, so that we can see your new place and have pink champaign cake. Only two questions, do you want us at your apartment and do they like pink champaign cake? Your job is to let us know a date.

one of the f’n aunts!!!

It’s great! So I’m trying to get ahold of my mom now, but my phone keeps dieing on me. I duno why, it’s got a full charge. Rarr!

I’m out!

i want you to take the monkey feet outta the water

Ahh,another wonderful day of school. Anyways, yesterday was fairly boring. I got a low A on my Physics test, go me! Work sucked, I was FREEZING. Everyone was like “oh, you look cold” i was like thanks for noticing, now buy some damn hot wings! I did sell about 12 though, so it wasn’t too bad.
Skinny called. I haven’t talked to him for awhile. It was nice to know he’s still alive. We just talked about everything that was going on. It made me happy. I layed down on my bed and just listened to “Us and Them” and I felt relaxed. Well, semi-relaxed.
More on the Jenny saga: Today in Publications, she still didn’t say much, and when I said that I had talked to Skinny, she just went “Good for you.” Then after class, she scurried to the bathroom again. I want to confront her about it, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t see what I am doing wrong. I hate how I don’t even do anything to anybody, and yet I can still get people to hate me. It just doesn’t make sense.
I talked to Laura at work yesterday. We may go out Saturday night. She’s fun! I enjoy her.
I haven’t heard from David in forever. He called once and said that his phone “kept calling me.” Yet he also said he didn’t give his phone to anyone else, and he has a flip phone, so there is no way it could’ve called automatically. Then we talked for a little bit. We talked one other time after that, because I was feeling sad and I gave in and called him. He told me to call him sometime and I siad I was afraid to because he never seems to want to talk to me and he never calls me. He said it’s nothing personal and that he’s just really busy. I wanted to scream, “I BET YOU AREN’T TOO BUSY FOR NATE, YOU FUCK!” but somehow I contained myself. So I called him a few days later, and surprise surprise, no answer! I left a message, saying I hoped to hear from him soon. I also said “I love you”, which in retrospect, was probably not the smartest thing to do. It’s been a week, and has he called? Nope! I’m slowly but surely getting over the whole situation, except I’m afraid that I’m not really getting over it at all b/c I just avoid thinking about it and fill my mind with other things. But hey, whatever works. I don’t want to see him during the holidays. It will ruin everything I’ve been doing. Just like in the summer, when I was finally semi-OK with what was happening, then I had to go to the damn mall and see him and fall in love again. That better not happen again, or I’m gonna be mad. Grrr… he upsets me.
On another note, before I get too upset, I got my recommendation from Mrs. Every today. It was very very good. I really hope I get that scholarship. I felt special after reading all the nice things she had to say about me.
I need to start my experiment for Independant Study. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do. It’s too confusing. I’m supposed to see Mrs. Every after this block. I’ll be missing part of third, but it’s Physics, so it’s not like I give a damn. I’m already looking forward to the weekend. No work again!!! YAY!! I’m excited to hang out with Adam and Chris. Is that weird? I just enjoy them. Hopefully they are good by then, so we can all go out and have a jolly time!
Actually, I was reading Chris’ website the other day, and I was kinda shocked because it was like I was reading my own life up there on the screen. It was mostly about the fight between him and Adam. He thinks exactly like I do. He said something about hoping that Adam MIGHT leave the dance early to come see him, and then he was disappointed when he didn’t. Well, I would totally think the same thing if it was me. A lot of other things too, it was just weird to see how alike we can be from a relationship standpoint. Too bad I’m not in a relationship… I don’t even really want anything physical. I just want a guy to curl up with when I’ve had a bad day who will just hold me and tell me that everything’s alright and make me feel special and like somebody wants me. God, I’m such a loser…
Erin called yesterday. I was at work. She had a rough day. I miss her. I can’t wait until the summer, when she will hopefully come spend a week or so with me! That’ll be awesome, b/c I think she’s gonna rent a hotel room, then we can hang out and party and stuff! woohoo!
Anyways, my Pop-Tarts are calling out to me. I’d better go eat them and then go to sleep until the bell rings.