i want you to take the monkey feet outta the water

Ahh,another wonderful day of school. Anyways, yesterday was fairly boring. I got a low A on my Physics test, go me! Work sucked, I was FREEZING. Everyone was like “oh, you look cold” i was like thanks for noticing, now buy some damn hot wings! I did sell about 12 though, so it wasn’t too bad.
Skinny called. I haven’t talked to him for awhile. It was nice to know he’s still alive. We just talked about everything that was going on. It made me happy. I layed down on my bed and just listened to “Us and Them” and I felt relaxed. Well, semi-relaxed.
More on the Jenny saga: Today in Publications, she still didn’t say much, and when I said that I had talked to Skinny, she just went “Good for you.” Then after class, she scurried to the bathroom again. I want to confront her about it, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t see what I am doing wrong. I hate how I don’t even do anything to anybody, and yet I can still get people to hate me. It just doesn’t make sense.
I talked to Laura at work yesterday. We may go out Saturday night. She’s fun! I enjoy her.
I haven’t heard from David in forever. He called once and said that his phone “kept calling me.” Yet he also said he didn’t give his phone to anyone else, and he has a flip phone, so there is no way it could’ve called automatically. Then we talked for a little bit. We talked one other time after that, because I was feeling sad and I gave in and called him. He told me to call him sometime and I siad I was afraid to because he never seems to want to talk to me and he never calls me. He said it’s nothing personal and that he’s just really busy. I wanted to scream, “I BET YOU AREN’T TOO BUSY FOR NATE, YOU FUCK!” but somehow I contained myself. So I called him a few days later, and surprise surprise, no answer! I left a message, saying I hoped to hear from him soon. I also said “I love you”, which in retrospect, was probably not the smartest thing to do. It’s been a week, and has he called? Nope! I’m slowly but surely getting over the whole situation, except I’m afraid that I’m not really getting over it at all b/c I just avoid thinking about it and fill my mind with other things. But hey, whatever works. I don’t want to see him during the holidays. It will ruin everything I’ve been doing. Just like in the summer, when I was finally semi-OK with what was happening, then I had to go to the damn mall and see him and fall in love again. That better not happen again, or I’m gonna be mad. Grrr… he upsets me.
On another note, before I get too upset, I got my recommendation from Mrs. Every today. It was very very good. I really hope I get that scholarship. I felt special after reading all the nice things she had to say about me.
I need to start my experiment for Independant Study. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do. It’s too confusing. I’m supposed to see Mrs. Every after this block. I’ll be missing part of third, but it’s Physics, so it’s not like I give a damn. I’m already looking forward to the weekend. No work again!!! YAY!! I’m excited to hang out with Adam and Chris. Is that weird? I just enjoy them. Hopefully they are good by then, so we can all go out and have a jolly time!
Actually, I was reading Chris’ website the other day, and I was kinda shocked because it was like I was reading my own life up there on the screen. It was mostly about the fight between him and Adam. He thinks exactly like I do. He said something about hoping that Adam MIGHT leave the dance early to come see him, and then he was disappointed when he didn’t. Well, I would totally think the same thing if it was me. A lot of other things too, it was just weird to see how alike we can be from a relationship standpoint. Too bad I’m not in a relationship… I don’t even really want anything physical. I just want a guy to curl up with when I’ve had a bad day who will just hold me and tell me that everything’s alright and make me feel special and like somebody wants me. God, I’m such a loser…
Erin called yesterday. I was at work. She had a rough day. I miss her. I can’t wait until the summer, when she will hopefully come spend a week or so with me! That’ll be awesome, b/c I think she’s gonna rent a hotel room, then we can hang out and party and stuff! woohoo!
Anyways, my Pop-Tarts are calling out to me. I’d better go eat them and then go to sleep until the bell rings.

::silence::

So Adam’s not talking to me. Whatever, when he wants I’m sure he will. But it’s really annoying. There’s alot more too it, but I’d rather not play it out in the “public” sector as much as possible, so we’ll leave it at that.

Last night Nate from scouts IMed me. He found my website, because Everybuddy took the profile from one of my other SN’s and put it on the one that shouldn’t have had a link to my website.

But to make a long story short he IMed me and said “You’re GAY!… I was wondering when you’d come out.” It appears he’s good freinds with many gay people. Although he, isn’t gay. Which is cool. But anyways. It was a good talk last night. I guess he’s doing much better in school now that he’s in NE, so that’s good to hear.

I spent yesterday hanging out in my Apartment and waiting for Adam to get online, and decorating things. I put up my christmas lights in the kitchen, and I was thinking I’d put up pictures in my livingroom area, but never got around to it. I did get out the tape and the pictures, just didn’t get around to actually putting them up. Mostly because I was curled up on my couch crying, but that’s beside the point.

Class! Laters!

::cries::

So yeah, things just didn’t work out the way that they were supposed to.

This whole homecoming thing has turned into a huge mess, in which far too many people have gotten hurt… When it was just supposed to be a fun event.

I thought at first that, I would be OK with it. But it still stands that you don’t ask someone with a bf to a dance. Unless you’re prepared to have the bf come along. Especially if you’re friends with both of them. That’s just the way that I see it. First, because they’ve got a bf, and you just asking the one person, portrays it as a date. And secondly, it’s just rude to do as such. I think.

Then, things turned worse when I come to find out that it’s not just him and her going. It’s a whole group of people going, including some other friends of mine. Which makes me feel even more unwanted and ditched because they only asked Adam to go. So of course I’m going to be pissed off about that.

But we had talked about it, I had told him my feelings and he had told me his. I thought we had ended it, and that hopefully somewhere at the last minute he would realize how much he was really hurting me and would decide not to go.

But that didn’t happen. Although I was glad to get to see him today, he was still going to this damned dance. Without me. And yet he expected me to stay in DM and wait around for him to get done, so that we could do stuff afterwords. I think not. But he begged and begged. And in the back of my mind, I thought, I hoped that he would realize, and he’d make an effort to leave early, or something at least.

So he left, and I went on my way, I went to Java’s at 6, and started HW. Religions people were there and we had a nice conversation about all the different religions, Byron, was the guy, and two girls, but I didn’t catch their names. He was writing his masters paper on Hinduism, so we talked about that some. Then they went off to convert and a little bit later another group of them sat down, and started talking to me about religion, they however, tried to convert me. So I got pissed at them, and ended it. They left and Byron came back and we talked some more, he was nice.

Geoff was there as well and we discussed his car, and his projects with his car. I think I impressed him with my car knowledge. I hope.

Rob and Andrew also showed up, and we talked about old times. Rob finally came out to me as well, which was amusing, we all talked about who we thought was hot, and who we thought was/should have been gay at our HS. It was good times. Rob was a bit tipsy and they were both looking for pot as well. Rob was on the phone with a friend who had some, and he was talking quite loudly, it was amusing. They found some though and went off. I hope they’re alright.

After they left, I sat around Java Joe’s waiting and waiting for Adam to call. I also thought, about things. As the clock ticked on, I got more and more pissed about the whole situation. 10:30 passed and he hadn’t called yet, so my hopes that he’d make a point to get out early, so that he could see me. Since I had made such a sacrifice to stay the fuck in DM. Instead of going back to Ames like I had planned. 10:45 came, and I told myself that if he hadn’t called by 11:05 I was leaving. He called right as I was getting ready to get into my car. I told him to hurry and that I’d stay.

I called at 11:30, pissed as hell by then, cause he still wasn’t there. He said he would be there shortly. I told him that I was tired, that I’d have to leave soon. It is an hour drive from DM to Ames. They got there. Andrew and Adam. I couldn’t even look at him, without being more pissed off. All dressed up, and leaving me there to sit and wait for him. Begging me to stay in town, and not…. Not even trying to get there earlier so that we could hang out for a little longer.

I sat there and didn’t talk to him, because I couldn’t think of anything. I didn’t want to know what he’d done, because it would have only pissed me off more. The only things that I could think off was “Had he danced with her?” or “Did he SLOW dance with anyone?”

Fine call me a jealous bastard or whatever. But that’s how I feel, and that’s what I was thinking.

It pissed me off that all this had happened. All this, why.

I said I was tired, that I was leaving. So I did. He apparently wasn’t going to come to my car. But I made him. I wanted to talk about this. So we went and we talked, and he kept making it out to my fault. That I was blowing everything out of proportion. That it was my fault that I wasn’t invited. He didn’t understand. He came back with the question “If someone asked you to homecoming, would you go.” He didn’t give me the chance to answer before he went on and on. We just kept going around in circles. He’d say one thing and I’d say my counter.

He wasn’t going to budge and say it was his fault, or anyone else.

It’s not my fault. I’m the one that wasn’t invited. I’m the one that got ditched, on one of the few nights that we have together.

So I said fine, and I left. I felt like shit, and I’m sure he felt like shit. But perhaps it’s something that needs to happen.

After I left, I called him. Because I wanted to answer that damn question. I said, “I would have said NO.” And then went on for about 5 minutes on his voice mail. I told him that I would have said that because it’s one of the few nights that we get to spend together, that I love him, because I do. And that I wouldn’t have had to put a second thought into it. It would have been no, unless I could have brought him. Because spending the time with him, would have meant a lot more to me. Then him going out with our “friends.” Dumping me. And I went on and on. Telling him how much I love him. And that I’m sorry.

As I drove I was looking in my mirror hoping to see the distinct head lights he has, but they were no where to be seen. So I drove and drove. Hoping that he was somewhere behind me. I want to talk to him. Because I know I hurt him. But I don’t think he realizes how much he hurt me. And that’s where things need to start.

However, I don’t think they will start there, because like I said in one of my recent posts “But someone has to think about the other person in the relationship” and he replied with “Really?? Who needs to think about who exactly” So I don’t think he’s going to think about me. So the weights on me.

I’ve been home for about 30 minutes now. Crying and hoping that things will be alright. Every time I car goes by, or a door in the hall opens. I hope that it’s him and I have to get up and look. He won’t answer his phone. I’ve tried a couple times. So he hates me now, and I’m going to have to live with that, tell he’s ready to tell me he loves me again. Well I’m ready to tell him that now, because I do love him and even though this is a small road bump. I’m never going to stop loving him.

She’s not bitchy, she’s just…. Herself

So tonight’s been TONS of fun, even though it’ll be the most time that I get to spend with Adam this weekend.

I picked up Adam at 4, and we went off to the Mall, where we met up with Dustin, and went on break with him, that was fun. From there we met my mom and went looking for a Suit for me. Cause I need one for interviews this week. So we went off to Structure, just to look at stuff, and they had Suits there, so we ended up getting the whole thing there. It was the MOST amusing time I’ve had in forever!

First, we got there and they guy that helped us, was totaly gay! And the third thing he said to me was “Do you talk with your hands, cause I do!” It was so funny. Then he had to leave cause he had another “Appointment” (He walked out the door with his bf!). But yeah, it was good times. I got two of thier cool ass shirts and two ties, etc. It was soo Cool!

After that we went out to eat and my mom got totally SMASHED, it was hilarious!

From there we went downtown where we met up with Andrew, good times there. We talked about how we came to know each other, and how the hate/love relationship worked back in the day when no-one knew anyone else. They also made fun of my horrible spelling skills, etc. Hey, fuck it!

Scott showed up as well, but didn’t stay long, anyways, it was good to see him again.

We went to the str8 loop and I was scared to death. I mean it. I was sooooo fucking scared. I demanded that we go back to Java’s. I don’t think the girl was too happy about that. Whatever. I mean, it felt like I was going to have a heart attack. It was bad.

After that, we all sat around Java’s talking about random things. Andrew asked me to go to homecoming with him, it was a nice gesture, but it was too little too late in my eyes. And plus, it’d be a double standard, since that’s the reason I was pissed in the first place. So whatever. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. I’d like to see Adam at some point at least.

As I was driving home, I got stuck behind this fucker going 40 in the 55, we were coming into PC and the guy saw the cop, so he slowed to 30 in the 55. The cop pulled out, turned on his sirens and got up right behind me. I was sooo sure he was going to pull me over… But I was like, what the hell for, cause I hadn’t done anything. So I got over, and he pulled over the other guy. I hate PC cops. Rarr!

Ha, the cops in DM just pulled a guy over for doing 70 on University (30mph, we learned in english that you shouldn’t use Miles Per Hour…. It should be Miles An Hour, whatever), dumbass.

And that’s my life.