A Lasting Annoyance.

Well, it seems that we like to just dish out bad info to Chris a lot anymore, and he just seems to keep getting more and more annoyed.

Well, I guess that it’s really just the same annoyance, just it keeps coming back.

I really need something to punch or shoot or something along those lines.

If I talk to you over the next couple days, and I seem uber pissed/bitchy/I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry in advance, I just really had my hopes up for this whole trip, to fly with him, and to be there for him every step of the way. Because I know that I would want the same for me.

Anyways, it’s not completly dead in the water yet. I could still fly there and back and the like, on different flights. Still for under $500. I could fly to EWR for the week for $300. We’ll just have to see how things work out, we’re going to discuss it tomorrow. Which is needed.

Other then all that drama not much else has been going on in my life as of lately. I’m getting kind of annoyed with some people, but not over anything they can controll. I know they have thier own lives and I just have to get used to it. Though, it is fairly annoying.

I talked to Angel last night… That was good to get to talk to her again. She explained why she never called me when she was back, and we talked about Adam a lot. I also told her how great Andrew is. 😛 Hopefully she’ll call me over Christmas break when she’s back.

Today has just been dragging by, I have 5 more hours of work, and I’ve already been here for 5 hours. I don’t know what I’ll be doing for most of that time. I was thinking of installing a stat’s thing on b2, but we’ll see how well that goes.

I really wanted Andrew to come up tonight and spend the night… I realy need him this week to be supportive, I’m very stressed out, and very emotional. I know that I am, and I just need someone here. But he’s already got plans with Court tonight. I guess it’ll be another night home alone for me. This is why I need a second job.

Well…

That’s My Life.

Thanks A Lot Sue.

I’m really fucking pissed right now… (In otherwords, this might not make any sense)

Well it appears I won’t be going to EWR or LAX now, thanks a lot Sue.

There’s no way I’m spending $1300 just to fly out there and back. No fucking way.

You know, if she would have just sat down and been cooperative about it all, unless throwing a huge fit everytime Andrew brought it up, we could have easily gotten there by taking Continental instead of going through United. Same airports, only it was NONSTOP from EWR to LAX. You know, much easier, and MUCH cheaper… But no, she couldn’t do that…

Thanks A Lot Sue.

I just want to fucking cry right now. I’ve really been looking forward to this.

I never should have got my hopes up so high for the trip, I knew that something like this would happen.

And that’s my life.

So I just finished reading Chris’ private entry and it made me tear up. There are a few things that did upset me though, just a tiny bit.

One is that he thinks I will have a bad impression of the time we had sex, and always connect it to the infection. Well, that simply isn’t true. There isn’t too much else I can say. I am happy we shared what we did, it is not connected in my mind with the infection, just the feelings and the person that I got to share that special experience with.

Also, I didn’t mean to rush our goodbye. I’m sorry it seemed like that. I wanted you to stay, and if I had known how emotional you were feeling, I would’ve demanded that you stay so we could talk about it and I could hold you.
I think that’s it. So now here’s my update.

I got upset after the doc told me that the infection is caused by getting bacteria in your urethra. B/c I basically knew there was only one time when that could’ve happened: when we had sex. So I was thinking about it, and I wanted to tell Chris. Not to upset him, but just to let him know and to tell him taht if we ever do it again, I want to use a condom. Well, I did tell him on the way down and that was a big mistake. Definitely a way home conversation. He seemed very upset by it, even though it wasn’t his fault! I can understand why he felt bad, but I wish he didn’t b/c he really didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t his fault at all. I don’t blame him. So I really didn’t want him upset and afterwards I just felt really bad for even bringing it up. But I wanted to let him know that I was a little afraid to have sex now b/c of what happened. I will probably feel that way for awhile, who knows? But it doesn’t mean that when Chris and I made love, I didn’t enjoy it. It was absolutely wonderful and I’m glad it happened.

Reflecting back on the trip now, as I lay in bed, I feel like I took Chris for granted. And I now feel terrible. Sometimes I was just a *bit* too snappish. And a *bit* too bitchy. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m very sorry.

I DID have a good trip though. It was really good to spend the whole weekend with just Chris. We had lots of fun and crazy tiems (barry road weee!) and it was just all around goodness. We did talk a lot about me moving and stuff. It’s just as scary for me as it is for Chris. Not only do I have to worry about us, I have to worry about a millino other things, like the move and then of course, me actually moving in and starting college. Why is college seeming so scary??

I wish Chris would have called me as he drove back to Ames if he was that upset. I wish he would’ve called me, and come back over and let me hold him and tell him that everything is alright and he has nothing to be upset/worry about.

Though I myself was worried b/c he didn’t say he loved me last night or today when we said goodbye. I know it sounds stupid…. but still. I like to hear it, it helps me reaffirm that he does care about me.

I don’t know what else to say. Now I’m just upset. Well, hopefully Chris and I get a chance to talk about it tomorrow.

Goodnight.

To Be Missed Already.

Even though this was a REALLY great weekend, I spent more time of it then I should have been upset about something.

Most of it was spent being upset about the whole Infection thing that Andrew has. We talked on the way there about it and he says that he thinks its because of us having sex. Now I believe that because I can’t think of anything else that would have caused it.

That makes me feel really bad, mainly because now, for me at least, the first time that we’ve had sex is going to be in my mind as the time that Andrew got an infection. And that just really sucks. I mean, I still feel the same way emotionaly, and I really enjoyed the fact that we could share that, and it means a lot to me. But it’s still going to remembered as not only the great time that it was for the both of us, but also as the time that Andrew got an infection. It just really sucks.

It also sucks because that’s turned him off from sex. Now, it doesn’t really bother me, on the level of, Damn now I can’t have sex but on the level of, Damn now we can’t share that And I just feel really bad about that. I also feel bad because from what I gather, Andrew’s had mostly bad experiences with sex. And I was really hoping that this would be a really good experience for him. And it turned out not being as such.

I really regret not using a condom for that time. But I’m really glad that we got to share that closeness. And I hope that we only continue to grow closer in the last few weeks we have together.

Other then that one problem there really wasn’t anything else. The weekend was REALLY great, and in the end I’m very glad that Dustin did cancell on us. I think that it was a great time to get to hang out, and it’s really brought me a lot closer to him.

It’s also really made me realize how much I’m going to miss him when he’s gone. He spent a lot of time this weekend talking about moving and his new roomates and the like and that really scared me.

Here it is. Only 3 more weeks left, and there’s still so much to do. There were so many times this weekend where I just wanted to break down and cry and hold him and tell him how much I loved him, and how happy I am, and how lucky I am to have him as a boy friend.

To tell him how how much happier I am with him. And how glad I am that we talked, and I decided to break up with Adam. I’m glad so glad that I broke my promise to that I made to myself not to date him, because he’s nothing like I thought he was when I told myself that.

And now looking back on that, I think I probably told myself that because I was becoming to close to him, and stuff.

The ride home was the worst part though, I was so glad that he slept most of the way so that I could just sit there in self-pitty and think to myself. And so that I could hold his hand, and Admire him while he slept…

Which is probably the time that he’s most beautiful.

Once we got back to his house, I didn’t want to stay long because I knew that if I did, I would end up breaking down. So I left quickly, though it ended up being a bit too quick. I felt as though he was pushing along the goodbye.

I drove home pratically in tears the whole way. I just can’t believe that in 3 weeks the best thing that’s ever happened to me is going to be gone, and that scares me to no end.

Another thing that really scares me is what’s going to happen between us once he moves. I know I’ve brought this up before, but it is really scary, and I don’t know what he’s thinking about it all.

On the one hand, it’d be nice to keep up a relationship, but what’s the probabiliy of it actually working out long distance. And on the other hand, taking a break, but then I’ll feel like shit when he goes out and gets other bf’s while he’s in Cali. I know this is probably sounding really obsesive about now, so I’ll stop.

But it does bring us to another point… The trip. I’m willing to spend up to $700 total for the whole thing. Now I know that probably seems like way to much to be spending to see my bf of what will be 4 months off to college. But I look at it as more of a nice vacation for me. I just happen to be seeing my bf off to college at the same time. That’s why I’m willing to spend so much on it all. Not because I’m crazy.

Though it really does mean a lot to me to see him off to college, don’t get me wrong. And I’m really looking forward to seeing where he used to live and get to have so much fun, and helping him get into his first dorm room. I only wish that I had someone to help me when I first moved into my dorm room. It was such a scary time, and I really needed someone there for me.

At least here he will, I’ll be there for him. And I hope that he knows how much I care for him and how much I hope he enjoys Cali.

With Love,
Topher.

PS, I hope this doesn’t cause any problems… I forsee it doing as such… Drew Bear, if you want to call me after you read this, feel free too. I love you baby, and I don’t want you being upset… Nothing was meant to do as such.

PPS, this update will be edited tomorrow about the following topics: 1) Housing, 2) Orange Cum

U-TURN! Weeee!

So this weekend has been ABSOLUTELY wonderfull… Minus the few emotional upsetnesses and the annoyance of someone else now coming.

Friday we left here about 4:30 and got there about 7:30 or so. Went to Boston Market and ate there, it was really good food. After that we went back to the hotel, went swimming and hot tubbing. Lots of stupid little kids running around there. We sat outside by the lake for a long time and just talked about alot of little things. Here’s where the Emotional upsetness started some. But it was a really good night… About 10:30ish we went back to the room and watched this show, “Blind Date” Very amusing. After that we went to sleep. Really good to sleep in that BIG bed with Drew Bear. Good night.

Saturday we got up really early…. Well ok, not that early, like 9ish or so. Showered and got ready for the day then headed out to Lawrence. I REALLY liked it there, we had so much fun! I loved Flush, that was really great. And all the stores along those streets were really really fun. I so wish that DM had something like that area. As well as the Plaza area in KC. Both really great outdoor shopping areas.

We spent pretty much the whole day afternoon there hanging out. We ate lunch at this really good place, and it was uber cheap! Umm, after the downtown area we went to the campus and the Art Museum. That was alright, but the woman there was REALLY bitchy. From there we went back to the hotel and hung out for a little bit. Then decided to go to the mall…

Oh was that Mad crazyness. We called the mall to get directions. The guy said to take 435 to 35 and then 95th street. So I ask him which way on 435, and he didn’t know. So I was like. Alright, no biggie, we should be able to figure it out, we came west to get to the hotel from 35, so we need to go east to get back to 35. So we start driving and then decide that we should call and get better directions. So Andrew called and the guy was like, well you need to go West on 435. (We were already heading east). So we get off and do a U-turn and go back West on 435.

Drive and Drive and DRIVE.

And we end up in the MIDDLE OF NO WHERE. So I’m like, this AIN’T right. We find a road name that we know (Barry Road), so we get off there and start driving back towards the city…

Barry road was REALLY hilly and that was TONS of fun. I really wish we had a video camera for that part of the trip. Well I wish we had a video camera for a lot of the trip. Anyways, FIANNLY found 435 AGAIN (Apparently 435 just wraps around KC), and stopped at a gas station to get directions… That guy gave us MUCH better directions, though it wasn’t quite right. We finally get to 95th street and get off. The guy told us to go right. So we did… And drove and drove. But were heading out into the country. We were like this ISN’T right…. And by now it was 8:45… Mall closes at 9. So we stopped at a crazy Wendy’s in the middle of NO WHERE. And the guy told us that we had to go LEFT once we got off 35, not RIGHT! I was so mad cause we were REALLY close. Grrr.

Anyways, got to the mall RIGHT at 9pm, and went inside and wandered aorund some.

After that left and went back to Downtown KC and went to a gay coffee planet. That was good, but really expensive for what we got.

From there we were going to go to a porn store, but we got there and you had to be 21 to go in. So skipped that and went back to the hotel. Watched some show called Cheaters and then went to bed about 1am.

Today we got up really late, about 10ish. And showered, dressed, and went back to KC. We went to the Kemper Art place. Which is REALLY small and sucks. I don’t recommend going there. After that we walked across the street to this other art thing which was REALLY good. I wish I had been in a better mood, because it would have been really interesting to read all the little things about the art. Though I wasn’t in the mood to read it all. Just to look at the art.

After the art thing we went to the Plaza and ate at the CheeseCake Factory… That was HEAVENLY!

From there to back to the mall where I bought 5 new shirts from Hollister. Everything there was REALLY cute, and I wanted it all.

Once we were done there we drove back to Waukee. The ride here was nice. But very saddening at the same time. All I could think about was how in less then 4 weeks time, Andrew will be gone. And all this fun times will be ending. I just wanted to cry the whole way home.

We finally got home and said our goodbyes. Then I was going to drive back to Ames… But the Hickman onramp was CLOSED, so I had to drive all the way to 86th street to get onto the interstate. Very annoying.

Anyways, the weekend was REALLY REALLY REALLY great, even though I spent most of the time being PISSED at Dustin for ditching us at the last moment. We did a lot of U-turns and never MAJORLY got lost. Just a few minor times being lost, but they were fun.

The only thing I wish was different was that Andrew hadn’t been sick, and that we had taken more pictures. And perhaps had more time….

And that’s my life!