So I just finished reading Chris’ private entry and it made me tear up. There are a few things that did upset me though, just a tiny bit.
One is that he thinks I will have a bad impression of the time we had sex, and always connect it to the infection. Well, that simply isn’t true. There isn’t too much else I can say. I am happy we shared what we did, it is not connected in my mind with the infection, just the feelings and the person that I got to share that special experience with.
Also, I didn’t mean to rush our goodbye. I’m sorry it seemed like that. I wanted you to stay, and if I had known how emotional you were feeling, I would’ve demanded that you stay so we could talk about it and I could hold you.
I think that’s it. So now here’s my update.
I got upset after the doc told me that the infection is caused by getting bacteria in your urethra. B/c I basically knew there was only one time when that could’ve happened: when we had sex. So I was thinking about it, and I wanted to tell Chris. Not to upset him, but just to let him know and to tell him taht if we ever do it again, I want to use a condom. Well, I did tell him on the way down and that was a big mistake. Definitely a way home conversation. He seemed very upset by it, even though it wasn’t his fault! I can understand why he felt bad, but I wish he didn’t b/c he really didn’t do anything wrong, it wasn’t his fault at all. I don’t blame him. So I really didn’t want him upset and afterwards I just felt really bad for even bringing it up. But I wanted to let him know that I was a little afraid to have sex now b/c of what happened. I will probably feel that way for awhile, who knows? But it doesn’t mean that when Chris and I made love, I didn’t enjoy it. It was absolutely wonderful and I’m glad it happened.
Reflecting back on the trip now, as I lay in bed, I feel like I took Chris for granted. And I now feel terrible. Sometimes I was just a *bit* too snappish. And a *bit* too bitchy. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m very sorry.
I DID have a good trip though. It was really good to spend the whole weekend with just Chris. We had lots of fun and crazy tiems (barry road weee!) and it was just all around goodness. We did talk a lot about me moving and stuff. It’s just as scary for me as it is for Chris. Not only do I have to worry about us, I have to worry about a millino other things, like the move and then of course, me actually moving in and starting college. Why is college seeming so scary??
I wish Chris would have called me as he drove back to Ames if he was that upset. I wish he would’ve called me, and come back over and let me hold him and tell him that everything is alright and he has nothing to be upset/worry about.
Though I myself was worried b/c he didn’t say he loved me last night or today when we said goodbye. I know it sounds stupid…. but still. I like to hear it, it helps me reaffirm that he does care about me.
I don’t know what else to say. Now I’m just upset. Well, hopefully Chris and I get a chance to talk about it tomorrow.