I had the WORST convo of my life this morning….
I hope to never have to have a convo like that again.
Though there were some good things. I’m hoping someone else will update about it, and then I’ll post that as private. I don’t want to have to write about it. I don’t think I could deal.
So Andrew actually asked me if I would move close to Orange. It was very touching.
Not really going to say much more about it. But it did mean a lot to me.
Also wanted to say that I’m very intriged (wow, that’s some bad spelling) about his talking about David in his old entried. Very interesting.
Wish that he was here to really explain them all. I know there’s some hidden words in there in most of them, and there’s a lot that I have a feeling involve me.
Well I hope he has a good night. Laters all.
So today was pretty good overall.
I went to work out about 8ish, which is about 30 minutes after I normally do. I still got my full 2 hours in though, so that’s good.
Once that was over, it was off to work. Apple hasn’t announced the new Xserve yet which is very depressing and it doesn’t look like they will before the months end. So we configured an Xserve G4, and it’s in the works now. Hopefully we’ll find out if we have enough money by Monday and I can order it then.
Staff meeting, boring and yet very amusing all at the same time. We’re hosting a conf for the DHS (Dept of Homeland Security) which is in Oct. Everyone made lots of fun of the Department because they are so unorganized. And everyone was like, “Good to know they’re protecting us from the terrorists”. Very amusing.
Tailgating party after that at work. Lots of REALLY good food and stuff. I’m sure I ate like 8 BILLION calories… Not good.
From there I went back to my office and suddenly wasn’t in the mood to work, so I talked to Andrew for a bit and read some of his old entries. (I started this week with his first one and I’m reading all the way through).
There’s so much that I wish I could go back and change. I wish that I could have had more fun times with him when he was here, and gone on more of those road trips that he always invited me on. But Adam didn’t want to go on. And also there was my insecurity, because I didn’t know if he liked me. It’s must like why I won’t go out with the people that always IM me now and want to hang out. Because I’m very scared of it.
Anyways, had a good talk, and I read a lot. Very interesting stuff out there.
Once he left I went back to work and got a ton of stuff done. Though I was VERY VERY frustrated by Eudora. No on should EVER FUCKING use that damn program, EVER! It’s a pain in the fucking ASS! It passes usernames wrong to the server. And it won’t stop!
So I took about an hour break from that and went up front and sat and read the road atlas for NJ, and finally found out exactly where we went when we drove to Sea Side. I was surprised how far we had actually gone, and how much of the state I actually saw! Once I was done with that, I still wasn’t ready to go back and tacle the beast that is Eudora, so I checked out Cali. And thought some about where I wanted to move too.
That got me thinking a lot about things and I went back to my office and looked up apartments in Orange County and the other areas. There’s some really good looking ones out there, that I think I can afford. So that’s good.
Spent tell about 5 doing that and then worked more on Eudora. Still didn’t get it and for some reason was very sad, so I closed my door and watched the movies from our trip again. I sat there and cried.
After work I knew that I didn’t have anything to do, so I went to family video and rented 13 Days. Which is supposed to be a VERY good movie. I can’t wait to see it.
I left there about 7ish and headed to the mall cause I just had a feeling that there was a movie I wanted to see playing. So I get there and, yep. The Matrix Reloaded was playing. So I watched it and just got back.
Andrew called me three times while I was in the movie, which I thought was very nice. lol. I wasn’t even expecting him to call. I figured his trip to SD would take him a while and he wouldn’t get back tell late, and once he got back, he’d be going straight out. But he called, and once the movie was over, I called him back.
We had a good talk about things, and I found out some things that were worrying me about his entries… Ok, just one thing. And I was VERY surprised by it.
Also talked about some other things. Very good.
He just went and now I’m here, but good times.
Gap Boy IMed me and invited me to a party. But obviously I didn’t go. I’m just very apprehensive (sp?) about it all. Though we are going to go out to supper this week. Hopefully it’ll be good times.
Well I’m off. I have one quick thing to private about. And then I’m out.
Laters
Well, not much happened today. It’s been a really boring day. I guess I went to class, had a good time. Worked out (And now my ass is sore) and yep… That’s all.
The assingment that was due today in MGMT414, very strange. No one really knew what they were talking about or what the assingment was supposed to be about. So it was all very odd. Though my paper was one of the longer ones, all of the ones that I saw were only about 1 page, and I had 2! Go me!
Ran into Julian today on campus, and that was good to talk to him again, even though it was just for a bit.
So today I went to the most moving speech about Sept 11th that I’ve ever been too..
And it was so weird because it was a managment class, and a managment teacher and she completely made it relate to management. It was all very moving though and I wish that I had it on tape. At times she had me near tears, and by the end of it. I just wanted to call up Andrew and tell him how much I love him yet, and how much I miss him.
If anyone ever has a chance to take a class with Virgina Blackburn… I highly suggest it.
Speaking of Andrew, we talked for a good long time last night and it was really nice to talk to him. Though there was a bit of fighting in there. Hopefully everything is taken care of now.
Beak broke her computer again, So I’m going there on Sunday to hang out. Perhaps we can go to the Drag Show.
Yep, and that was my day… Night all.
Ok, well things haven’t been going very well lately.
Lots of stuff that I really want to update about, but at the same time I know that they’ll add unneeded worryness to Andrew.
I guess the first thing to talk about is our talk last night. It was good that he called though I’m getting fairly annoyed that he’s always like, “I can only talk for a few minutes”. I’m hoping that I’m worth more then justa few minutes of his time. But whatever, I know that he’s a busy person, and that he’s got stuff to do, unlike me who sits around his house all day/night and does nothing.
Anyways, last night was a good/bad talk. I mean I was overly pissy at him, which wasn’t good and wasn’t deserved. Though the whole time I was hoping that he would ask why I didn’t call him Monday night to say goodnight. Since it’s something that I’ve done every weeknight that he’s been gone. But apparently he didn’t know notice. I guess in the back of my mind it was more a test to him to see if he noticed/cared that I called to say goodnight. In reality I didn’t think of it that way, I just wanted to see if he noticed or not.
Well long story short he didn’t notice and I guess I was a little hurt by that since I do take the time every weeknight to just give him a quick call to say goodnight and tell him that I miss him. I’m also hurt by a few other things, though I know they are unjustified and stupid. Mostly I guess is the fact that I don’t feel like he tells me that he misses me as much as I tell him. (IE through these private entries mostly). I’ve just been feeling really stupid about it all lately and such.
I guess he just never knew what he was getting himself into, and wishes he had never been here now though, after seeing what I turn into when you take something that I care for away. I guess you could say that I’m being a little obsessive maybe. And I hate that. I’m trying to change it, but at the same time, I can’t.
Overall I guess what I’m trying to say is that I just need him to tell me that he misses me, not just through spoken words either.
We also talked about study abroad, and spring break and I again got these stupid feelings of jealousy. The fact that my whole college career has been crap. I’ve spent it doing nothing. I haven’t once been on the ‘typical’ spring break trip. I haven’t been over seas, or even to Mexico. I haven’t been on a cruise, and I haven’t made any new friends in the now almost 4 years I’ve been in college. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m a very competitive person when it comes to life-experiences. And I’m losing the battle not only to Andrew, but to everyone else in the world, or at least that’s the way that I feel about it.
We were talking about it the other day in my international business class and like everyone else in there had stories to tell aboutt he time they were in Spain, or Italy, or France, or some other crazy ass little country that no one has ever heard of. It was all very annoying for me, and I wanted to just get up and leave. I hated it.
I really wish that I could have traveled when I was in college. I wisht hat my PU’s hadn’t fucking cancelled our trip to Alaska so that they cuold build a fucking garage! How stupid. I hate them.
Anyways, back to our convo. It ended up with me crying, and I think he was crying as well. Though we both got off the phone in what I would consider a fairly huffy manner. Though I hope that it wasn’t meant.
Oh, one other thing that we talked about was that he felt that I was mad at him for not making enough time for me. In one respect, yes I do feel as though he’s not making enough time for me. Though I do know that he tries his best to get to talk to me at least once a day. In the other hand though, I feel as if he’s making too much time for me sometimes. Though that’s not at all a bad thing. But the thing that annoys me about the time thing is that when he’s got a chance to call, it’s usually later in the night for him, which means it’s even LATER in the night for me. It’s that whole time change thing that really gets me. For instance, last night when he called it was only 7 for him, but it was alright 9 for me. And that kinda added to my annoyance for the night that he didn’t call tell so late. But I know that he was probably fairly busy with friends and such up tell that point (Which he did say he had just got back from someone’s room). So what I’m saying is that I’m happy for the time that he makes for me. I just wish that we were in the same times zone, so that I didn’t spend my whole night sitting in my apartment wondering when he was going to call me.
Anyways, I should be going. I think I’ve probably pissed him off enough with this entry. Though it’s not meant at all to piss you off. I am just writing my feelings though. And I want you to know that I’m not mad AT YOU! I do however miss you TONS.
::hugs::
EDIT://
Ok, I just found this on Andrew’s Journal (10/8/02) I think it sums things up:
As if I couldn’t just call him myself. Definitely I feel like I’m weak and giving in if I call him. So I wait for him to call me. I don’t think of him as weak though, when he calls. Because I know he is calling because he misses me. If he thinks about me as much as he claims to, then he must still care about me. You don’t just cut someone you love out of your life. *sigh* I don’t know.