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My Life… As A Depressive

Ok, well things haven’t been going very well lately.

Lots of stuff that I really want to update about, but at the same time I know that they’ll add unneeded worryness to Andrew.

I guess the first thing to talk about is our talk last night. It was good that he called though I’m getting fairly annoyed that he’s always like, “I can only talk for a few minutes”. I’m hoping that I’m worth more then justa few minutes of his time. But whatever, I know that he’s a busy person, and that he’s got stuff to do, unlike me who sits around his house all day/night and does nothing.

Anyways, last night was a good/bad talk. I mean I was overly pissy at him, which wasn’t good and wasn’t deserved. Though the whole time I was hoping that he would ask why I didn’t call him Monday night to say goodnight. Since it’s something that I’ve done every weeknight that he’s been gone. But apparently he didn’t know notice. I guess in the back of my mind it was more a test to him to see if he noticed/cared that I called to say goodnight. In reality I didn’t think of it that way, I just wanted to see if he noticed or not.

Well long story short he didn’t notice and I guess I was a little hurt by that since I do take the time every weeknight to just give him a quick call to say goodnight and tell him that I miss him. I’m also hurt by a few other things, though I know they are unjustified and stupid. Mostly I guess is the fact that I don’t feel like he tells me that he misses me as much as I tell him. (IE through these private entries mostly). I’ve just been feeling really stupid about it all lately and such.

I guess he just never knew what he was getting himself into, and wishes he had never been here now though, after seeing what I turn into when you take something that I care for away. I guess you could say that I’m being a little obsessive maybe. And I hate that. I’m trying to change it, but at the same time, I can’t.

Overall I guess what I’m trying to say is that I just need him to tell me that he misses me, not just through spoken words either.

We also talked about study abroad, and spring break and I again got these stupid feelings of jealousy. The fact that my whole college career has been crap. I’ve spent it doing nothing. I haven’t once been on the ‘typical’ spring break trip. I haven’t been over seas, or even to Mexico. I haven’t been on a cruise, and I haven’t made any new friends in the now almost 4 years I’ve been in college. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m a very competitive person when it comes to life-experiences. And I’m losing the battle not only to Andrew, but to everyone else in the world, or at least that’s the way that I feel about it.

We were talking about it the other day in my international business class and like everyone else in there had stories to tell aboutt he time they were in Spain, or Italy, or France, or some other crazy ass little country that no one has ever heard of. It was all very annoying for me, and I wanted to just get up and leave. I hated it.

I really wish that I could have traveled when I was in college. I wisht hat my PU’s hadn’t fucking cancelled our trip to Alaska so that they cuold build a fucking garage! How stupid. I hate them.

Anyways, back to our convo. It ended up with me crying, and I think he was crying as well. Though we both got off the phone in what I would consider a fairly huffy manner. Though I hope that it wasn’t meant.

Oh, one other thing that we talked about was that he felt that I was mad at him for not making enough time for me. In one respect, yes I do feel as though he’s not making enough time for me. Though I do know that he tries his best to get to talk to me at least once a day. In the other hand though, I feel as if he’s making too much time for me sometimes. Though that’s not at all a bad thing. But the thing that annoys me about the time thing is that when he’s got a chance to call, it’s usually later in the night for him, which means it’s even LATER in the night for me. It’s that whole time change thing that really gets me. For instance, last night when he called it was only 7 for him, but it was alright 9 for me. And that kinda added to my annoyance for the night that he didn’t call tell so late. But I know that he was probably fairly busy with friends and such up tell that point (Which he did say he had just got back from someone’s room). So what I’m saying is that I’m happy for the time that he makes for me. I just wish that we were in the same times zone, so that I didn’t spend my whole night sitting in my apartment wondering when he was going to call me.

Anyways, I should be going. I think I’ve probably pissed him off enough with this entry. Though it’s not meant at all to piss you off. I am just writing my feelings though. And I want you to know that I’m not mad AT YOU! I do however miss you TONS.

::hugs::

EDIT://

Ok, I just found this on Andrew’s Journal (10/8/02) I think it sums things up:
As if I couldn’t just call him myself. Definitely I feel like I’m weak and giving in if I call him. So I wait for him to call me. I don’t think of him as weak though, when he calls. Because I know he is calling because he misses me. If he thinks about me as much as he claims to, then he must still care about me. You don’t just cut someone you love out of your life. *sigh* I don’t know.

3 replies on “My Life… As A Depressive”

just another few things id like to comment on….
i dont wish that we had never gotten involved, as you implied.. im very happy we got the chance to have what we did
also, you know that the reason i call later is b/c both of us are in class/work/doing whatever until later at night. also, the reason i say that i can only talk ‘for a few minutes’ is b/c of my phone, i dont have many minutes, and i seriously cannot afford to go over on my minutes at all. you know that on weekends i spend several hours on the phone with you.
and as a final thought, the stuff you copied from my journal is not relevant… it is in regards to david, and the reason i didnt want to call him and the reason i felt weak was b/c he didnt feel the same way about me as i did about him. so i felt stupid calling b/c i know he didnt want me to. completely different situations.
we still need to talk, in person, ill try to call tonight, or else you can call me too.

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