A letter to Const…

Dear Constantine.

I just wanted to write you this morning. I did a lot of thinking and a lot of crying last night and just wanted to follow up with you before we talk tonight. I hope that you understand how much I care for you and how much you mean to me. I hope that while you’re thinking of what you want, that you’ll go back through all the photos of us and that you’ll think of how much fun we’ve had and how close we’ve gotten over the last 8 months. I hope that you’ll think of the times in Europe when we’re just wondering around. I hope that you’ll think of the nights we spent there hanging out and drinking tea and talking and playing cards. I hope that you’ll think of that first day we met and watched the fireworks. I hope that you’ll think through all this.

I love you and every part of you. Every moment we are not together my body aches. I love it when you smile, I love it when you talk, I love your voice, I love to see your face in the morning and I love to see your face every night. I love that we can talk nerdy, but we can have fun as well. I love that you camp and are adventurous, I love your wardrobe, I love your taste in music, I love your deepness, I love that we can read books together. I love how smart you are and how much background you have. I love that you’ve been so devoted to one company. I love that you’re so talented and creative with photography. I love that you are not afraid to be WE.

I wish that I would have been telling you all these things before. I wish that I hadn’t taken advice from an asshole. I wish that I hadn’t been afraid to show you how much I really cared for you.

That first night we met, that most wonderful July 4th. I wish that we could have cuddled up more on that blanket on the beach under the stars. But I’m so happy that shortly after that we’ve had the chance to be so close and spend so much time together. I don’t want to see that end. We’ve both made mistakes over the last few weeks/months. I want to take this time to fix those mistakes and not to give up on WE.

I admit that I am jealous and I will try on that very hard, it’s hard for me to not get to see you so at all after we’ve spent so much time seeing each other every weekend and 2-3 nights a week. I admit that I am sad when you go out and have fun and I am sitting at home, but I will work on that. I feel like I am missing out on this part of your life while you are there, and that makes me sad. I want you to have fun while you are there and make those steps that you need to take so that when you come back we can be even closer and even more in love. I want you to get back to your roots of photography and find whatever else you’ve been missing while with me.

And once you find that, I don’t want you to lose that when you come back. I want to share in that part of your life. I want to see you go out and do more photography here, I want to start climbing with you. I want to share in these things with you, I want to learn and see how happy you are when you do them. I want to be happy with you. There’s nothing more in this world right now then that I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy and be able to be WE. I want us to be happy together.

At the same time, I too have fallen away from a lot of the things that I like doing and that I used to spend a lot of time with. Programing random things, painting, doing various project, etc. While you are away I will work and am working on finding these individual things in myself again. I want you to share in these things with me too. I’d like it if you were to start biking with me. Even if it’s just a cruise up and down the beach. I’d love to share with you in painting the picture in my room. I’ve always loved photography as well and would love to learn a little bit from you. I’ll never be able to be as creative as you are, but I’d like to make my photos a little better.

I think the spark you talked about last night gets lost in every relationship. A spark of first meeting can never last, the fire eventually dies down, but as long as the coals are still glowing hot, the relationship survives. It’s the same as riding a roller coaster, the first time you have a huge spark, but by the 10th time, you just enjoy it and you become familiar with it. I think we’re at that spot in our relationship and now that you are 1,600 miles away we have to work a little harder to keep the coals burning bright. I feel that if we both work on this though, and work on the things we’ve discussed, that we can keep the fire burning and I hope that when you come back in April and when you finally return in the fall that we can have this amazing relationship and I hope that it will last for years and years.

In conclusion, I just wanted to get all this out there and say it in writing. I want you to know that I love you and that I’m terribly sorry for not expressing this earlier. I will work hard on the things we’ve discussed. I only want to be happy with you and for you to be happy.

Love,
Chris.

American Gardens Suck

This weekend. I have decided that American Garden suck. They are just a hodge podge of mixed in plants and it alwasy just feels like most of the stuff is just an after thought. I went to Descanso Gardens this weekend and although it was nice. I really like European gardens much better.

Anyways, Overall this weekend has been very stressful. Const and I got in a huge fight on Thursday, we didn’t talk again till Friday afternoon and I felt like shit at work. I didn’t sleep and what not, so I just left work early and came home and was sad overall. Friday night I went to dinner with Sirin and her sister which was nice. Went to Green Temple again.

Saturday I freaked out again about Constantine going out. My fault completely because I’m crazy and this whole long distance thing sucks. I hate hate hate it. Miss him so much. I wrote him a big email which I feel like a fool now for sending to him. I also got in a big argument with Jason and ended up going to Erick’s house to chat and drink away the sadness. lol

Sunday I went rock climbing again which was tons of fun, well it was fun AFTER Const called me and we talked and got a lot of issues taken care of. I hope that he understands why I am so crazy about this stuff now and that hopefully he’ll be a little more understanding and responsive.

Rock climbing I did so much better at this weekend because I wasn’t as tired as last and I bought climbing shoes! I did an amazing job this weekend. There were some little kids with use as well and they are just crazy. One thing was that everyone kept telling me how amazing Const is at climbing. I can’t wait to get out there with him now and see what’s up. They also kept talking about other things he’s done and I feel like there’s so much more to him that I’m missing, and it makes me sad that I missed a lot of this past parts of his life. It also makes me really sad that I am missing out on this part of his life in Houston. Although he tells me about it, it’s not the same as being there to share in it. Again, another reason I hate long distance.

I can’t wait to see him on the 11th. I told him today, this is the closest I’ve let someone get to me since Andrew, and I feel very vulnerable right now with it all.

Anyways. That’s about it.

Photos are here.

I Like You! – Amy Sedaris

I just finished reading the book “I like you” by Amy Sedaris, the star of the show and movie Strangers with Candy. I really liked the show and the movie and always found her to be pretty funny, so I was excited when I received her book as a (vary late) birthday present.

I LIke You - Amy SedarisI went straight to reading it and was very surprised by the book. It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting and the first 20 pages were the best part of the book. From there the commentary went down hill pretty quickly. To me it seemed as though she got bored with writing it after those first few pages and just started to throw shit in to fill space. Over all the book reads like Martha Stewart on LSD. And that may be an understatement.

I will have to say that my favorite part of the book was the wacky and random photos that are interlaced throughout the book and used as backdrops for the recipes. However there are a few photo montages that just go on for way to long.

I like a lot of the recipes and will be trying them out at the next dinner party I have but the book just keeps going and going and going. I’d definitely check this book out of the library or borrow it from a friend, but I’m not sure it really needs to be part of my book collection.

Rock Climbing!

So this weekend was a little dramatic for me, as you can tell from the previous crazy post. Anyways, the rest of the weekend was alright. Even though I didn’t do anything really.

Saturday I was planning on doing a 40 mile bike ride up Stradella, but I didn’t sleep worth shit on Friday night and I woke up very sore so I didn’t go. Instead I spent 3 hours debadging my car and then washing and waxing it. It looked very pretty, up until about 15 minutes ago when a huge bug splattered all over my window! I also watched this really neat 3 hour special about Jesus: The Complete Story on the discover channel which was very interesting.

Sunday I got up early again and went rock climbing with a few of Constantine’s friends. I had a really good time with them. We were out there from 8:30-12:30 and by the end of it my muscles hurt so much that I couldn’t even wrap up the rope! lol. I wish I had taken my camera out there. From there we went to lunch at the Souplantation which was fun. Lots of interesting topics there. Today my muscles are very sore from the climbing, but it’s odd because it’s not muscles that I thought I was using while doing it! It’s mostly my back and sides that hurt and not the arms/legs like I thought they would happen.

Came home and went crazy and then went to bed.

I didn’t sleep well again last night, this is getting really annoying. There’s maybe 4-5 nights a week where I get very little sleep and just lay there tossing and turning. I did however have a very strange dream where I had 3 dogs and MooCow had a litter of kittens. Crazy, I know.

Today, Const and I start reading together. Our first book is Call Me By Your Name. Hopefully it’s good!

Ok. I’m off to start the week! Later.

I’m a Jealous Asshole…

//Warning: Major drama to follow…..

Ok, so not only am I the biggest asshole in the world. I’m also a very jealous asshole. And I HATE long distance relationships.

UGH! I feel myself slipping into the shit that Andrew and I went through back in the day. UGH. The last two nights Const has gone out with friends. One night just to coffee and then a movie, and then last night to some bar. I get very very jealous and annoyed. I hate this feeling and I know I shouldn’t be. But I am and I do.

Then to top it all off today, his phone is broken and I have not talked to him since 5pm yesterday. So I am getting VERY very annoyed and pissed and of course my mind always goes to. “Oh my god he’s out fucking someone” or “oh my god, he’s going to call and break up with me”…. Mostly that’s because it’s what happened with the last long distance relationship.

We got into a huge fight yesterday about a lot of stupid annoying shit that bugs me. I know I am completely at fault for it all. A) because I don’t bring them up when they first bug me and B) because then I dwell on them and make the issue way bigger then it really is.

Today it’s really annoying me that he never left a message on AIM or has tried contacting me at all in any way. Again it’s all because I’m insecure and worry that something bad is happening and that I can’t get it out of my mind and every minute, every second that goes by without hearing from him makes me even more crazy! I’ve probably called him a hundred times today and it always just goes straight to voice mail. I know his phone is broken! But anything, any sort of communication would have helped. A message on AIM, a txt message, borrowing a friends phone to call me.

I _HATE_ this feeling and I hate being this way. Like I told him yesterday, he’s the best boyfriend I’ve had so far, and lets be hopeful that I’ll ever have, but I still can’t help but feel this way. I _KNOW_ that ultimately he’s probably just out with friends again, maybe at a movie, buying a new phone, who knows. But that NOT knowing is what drives me nuts. I always try and let him know what I’ll be doing if I am not around when I should or normally am. I let him know last night that I was going rock climbing today, which meant I was not home all morning. But UGH.

Make this feeling stop! Please. I wanna be the most amazing boyfriend and I try so hard. But days/weekends like this make me feel like I fail so badly at that and makes me feel like I’m a horrible boyfriend and horrible person to know. It makes me realize that I really don’t have any good friends around here, because well. I’ve sat at home all weekend. I only went rock climbing today because of Const’s friends! Not even my own friends.

Yesterday when we were talking, I broke down crying a few times because I just can’t believe how fucking stupid and crazy I am sometimes. And living here and hanging out with certain people has really ruined my feeling of being in a real relationship. A lot of things that I used to have done by this time in a relationship I haven’t done yet with Const because those people always make fun of me and make me feel horrible for wanting to be a “WE”. I don’t tell Const as much as I should that he’s a great boyfriend, and honestly I don’t feel that he tells me that enough either. I try and show it as much as I can for him, but when we’re doing the LDR thing it’s hard to show how much you care for someone.

UGH! I’m sorry for the dramatic post. I just had to write……