Chris' Site

I just got back from the worst trip of my life. I could’t get home fast enough. There were aspects of the trip that were great and I might actually do another one again.

I’ll start with the actual trip itself. The boat/boat life was ok(ish). The online posting for the trip says things like horseback riding, hikes, snorkeling along the reef, and of course sailing. Well, pretty much none of those activities actually happened. Which I was really upset about. I spent a lot of money to get to this location, it’s one of the most beautiful places in the world with some of the most beautiful reefs in the world and we didn’t see any of it. The first day we went through the briefing and the caption was like “we’re going to sail here, then here, then here, the here” and didn’t say anything about the activities at all. Derik and I talked about it and I’m not sure if someone over heard us or what but the next day the captain was like “Apparently people don’t like this plan so we’re changing it”. And he added one day trip to do a vanilla plantation tour and a rum plant tour. But honestly it wasn’t enough. Every day we would anchor somewhere for lunch and the captain would say “Ok, let’s go swimming” and we’d jump in and it would just be nothing but sand everywhere. Again in the online description it says they will dinghy us to the reef to snorkel. That never once happened. Based on the description online, I was totally expecting to spend half the day sailing and the other half on land/snorkeling some beautiful areas. We basically didn’t see anything worthwhile on the whole trip. I had even emailed him before the trip asking if there would be time to go scuba diving and he said yes.. Well there was never time for that.

The biggest part is Derik. On Tuesday we went snorkeling in this one river. They dropped us off on one side of this island, we walked to the other side and then snorkeled back through. As a big group (12 people) we all walked to the other side, jumped in and then floated back down. Well this guy Shuaky and I were kinda staying close together and Derik ended up way far ahead of us. At one point Shauky and I decided to just get out and go back to the start but go farther into the ocean first and then float back down. Derik saw us and asked what we were doing. We told him to farther down river then come back up with us (because where he was was all coral and he couldn’t get out). Well he apparently interpreted that as “just keep going” and we were leaving him out. Once Shauky and I got back to the end of the river he was there and he was all pissed off but he didn’t say anything really to me. Just took his camera and went and did other stuff. He did’t say anything to me other then asking to get some pics of himself.

That night, we were doing an on board BBQ and we rafted two boats together. Everyone was having a good time, music was going, dancing, BBQ, drinks flowing, etc. But Derik sat in the corner pouting. At one point he was chatting with these two Arizona guys and I assume he must have been venting to them about me cause they saw me and waved me over. They did this whole “have you met derik” thing, which was kinda weird and we just chatting. Then I excused myself and went and sat down and was just watching everything and having a drink. Derik comes up to me and asks “can we go talk”. So we go to the front of the boat where no one was (or so we thought) and start talking. He tells me how he felt left out because Shauky and I left him I the river alone, blah blah blah. I apologized and he was like “I don’t want your apology”. I can’t really remember everything that happened but he was getting in my face and ranting on and on about how I’m a horrible person and talking about how I always leave him out of stuff and don’t invite him to things any more and how he just sits at home cause he has no friends here in SF. He was ranting about how Kris (his polish “friend”) never comes to Oakland and how kris gets pissed off at him cause he’s always late coming to SF. blah blah blah. I told him that the stuff that happened back in November was what caused a change in our relationship and how when he told me he never wanted to see Charlie, how am I supposed to involve him and invite him to things when he acts like that.

Anyway, this went on for nearly an hour. At which point multiple “couples” had come up front and were making out/having sex around us. I finally was like “look, we can’t talk about this here, we’re making a scene, let’s discuss when we get home” and he started telling me that I was being aggressive towards him. (I was sitting on the lifeline, he was standing in front of me). I got up and went to our cabin. A few minutes later he comes into the cabin and slams the door down.

Our cabin is in the main saloon area where EVERYONE was still gathered, so everyone on the boat saw him slam the door. He comes down and starts screaming at me that he wants to move out and we have to figure it out right now. I told him that we can’t figure it out right now because neither of us have the lease and can see what the options are. Then he brings up my HIV an how apparently I didn’t tell him when we first met that I was HIV+. Which who cares, we never had sex. I told him to get out and after much more yelling from him he left and again slammed the door.

I heard him up on deck for the next hour or so bitching at Shauky and Gary about how horrible of a person I am. He never came back to the cabin that night, so I assume he slept on deck

The rest of the trip was SUPER awk. He didn’t talk to me, he sat and pouted in the cabin for most of the rest of the trip. The first day we were there, we had gone to a grocery store and bought a bunch of snack to share (which I paid for). He hid all those snacks. One day, I came to bed after him and he had the entire blanket curled up so that I couldn’t use it (so I had to use a towel for a blanket). Another night, I come to bed around midnight and he had every light in the cabin on and he was watching instagram. I get in bed and turn the lights off and he says “WTF, I need those fucking light”. I said “You don’t need all the lights to watch instagram” and he just says “WTF”, gets out of bed and leaves the cabin, again slamming the door…

He was just Childish AF the whole rest of the trip. Once we got off the boat we went to the hotel and didn’t hardly talk at all. We did have dinner together the night before our flight and he acted as if nothing happened. Was chatty AF like normal.

So Long ass story but basically he is moving out. I am not sure what to do now. I can afford $4k/month in rent by myself. But I don’t really WANT TO afford that. Moving in with him was one of the worst decisions of my life. I should have never moved out of Vallejo.

Who knew he was going to end up such a fucking psycho.

We get home and I pack up and leave to go see Charlie (you thought you were going to get a post without him!!! LOL) . He was working and I went there to surprise him. He didn’t seem that happy to see me. I ordered dinner and sat in the dinning room and he came to sit with me. He barely talked the whole time we sat there. I came back to his place and just waited for him. He got home and we cuddled in bed but it just seemed weird/off. I can clearly see there’s remnant of a drinking party here. I wonder who he had over drinking (Eric, I’m sure), but he never told me that. He just doesn’t show any emotion, doesn’t show any excitement that I’m back. He did text me “thank you for coming back early” and he also cleared out a drawer in his dresser for me to put some stuff in. So that’s nice of him. But still, I want some excitement, some show of affection that he’s happy to have me back. We are going out to dinner tonight and I want to bring it up. But I just don’t know how.

He mentioned this morning on his way out of the house that he didn’t watch any class videos last week. WTF were you fucking doing all week. You didn’t have me around, so you should have had plenty of time to fucking watch class videos. I just honestly don’t know if this Is even what I want any more with him. I want a boyfriend who shows that they want me around, who wants to fucking share with me and tell me things. Who is excited to see me when I come home. He doesn’t ACT like he wants any of that.

Astra is also acting WEIRD AF. I’m 100% sure that one of his brothers abused her while I was gone.

So, first day here in Bora Bora and things are going well so far. I mean all we’ve done is sit by the pool while we wait to go to the airport for the flight to the next island and then boarding the boat.

I wanted to do a quick update though about Charlie. It’s really been on my mind this morning and I don’t know how to approach things with him to get him to not be defensive about it.

Last Tuesday we got into a HUGE HUGE fight and I honestly thought it was the end of things. We were hanging out at his house and I told him I wanted to be in Oakland by 5pm. We were meeting Eric at 6 and I wanted to have time to get ready, maybe have some sex, walk astra, etc. Well it was 4:30 and he was fucking watching tiktoks again, his laundry was in the dryer and he needed to fold it before we could leave. So I was pushing him to get it done. He got all pissed at me cause I was pushing him and he was like “you’re dating a filipino you have to get used to this”. Excuse me, well you’re dating a white guy and I want to be on time for shit. So we packed and he was clearly all pissed off. We get to my house, he’s still clearly pissed off so I ask him to go up to the roof to talk about it. I told him that he needs to figure out what the fuck he wants out of this realtionship, this isn’t working for me the way it was. We didn’t have much time to talk cause Eric showed up.

We walk down stairs and get in the car and start driving and it’s complete silence. I try to talk to Eric and not any reply at all. So I text Charlie and I’m like “should I just go home”, he says “NO”. We get to the comedy club and again super awk, silence all around. The show was great and then after the show they decide to go to this rooftop bar. Honestly I just wanted to fucking go home. It was so god damn awkward and annoying that no one was talking.

We get to the bar and of course more silence. Eric sits there on his phone. Seriously. I am done trying to be nice to him. I am done trying to pull the fucking conversation with him. I get up and go to the bathroom and those two are chatting away, laughing, I get back, silence. We drive home and Charlie invites Eric up to have a water. Well somehow that turned into shots and I was pissed. I went to the bathroom and Charlie followed me and we had a bit of a fight in there. I think Eric got the hint cause he excused himself right away after that.

Once Charlie and I were alone I started talking, he sat there in silcense. Not saying a word. Turned his back to me and just pretended to sleep. He’s said in the past when this happens he just needs his space. So I let him sit there for an hour. It was now almost 3am and I got pissed off. he started to pack his bags and was walking out the door. I grabbed him and pulled him back in bed and told him some stuff to get him to calm down and we went to bed.

The next morning was super awk and honestly since then things have been bad, IMHO. Like we are “back to normal” but he’s also been way more distant via text. He’s completely stopped with the “at work now babe” or “on my way home”. He doesn’t update me throughout the day any more. He completely ignores me in fact. If I text him, no reply until after he’s off work. He has basically stopped sending any sort of emotional icons “kiss faces, etc” through text.

Honestly this is not how I want thing to be. He clearly texts Eric throughout the day, eh clearly has plenty of time to be on instagram and ticktock. HE needs to figure out what he wants. I want to approach this with him again. I need to let him know that I am not happy with this, that I want more out of him. That I want him to tell me when he gets to work, etc. He says he “forgets”. BS. He’s on his phone all day long at work.

Last night, example. I was flying to Tahiti, he had family come over and they hung out. Well he didn’t text me anything, didn’t say anything.

This week will be interesting while I’m away. He did text me that he misses me already. But then today we were texting in the morning and he jus stopped… I assume cause he got to work. But how about a “I’m at work now babe, talk later” message? Is that really too hard or too much to ask from him?

I wonder how much he will hang out with Eric this week. Will he tell me ahead of time he is going to hang out with Eric? Last tuesday, I actually suggested the two of them hang out this upcoming tuesday to go to a brunch place Charles has been wanting to eat at. Let’s see if that comes through and if Charles let’s me know when they plan it.

I dunno, I like him. I enjoy our time together but I just don’t really want this much drama in a young relationship. I don’t want to have to beg him to give me what I want. I don’t think that I am asking too much by asking for him to text me these things but his reply is basically always the same: “I come home to you ever day, I see you every morning. Why do you have to have so much attention throughout the day”. because I’m needy AF? LOL

Ugh. It’s just frustrating. I also wonder if we are even compatible long term. I’m here in bora bora. I want to do way more trips like this. But he can never get time off. He doesn’t have money to do these things. He even admitted to me he is struggling financially but when ever I bring up trying to help with a budget or something he just seems to ignore me.

I just don’t know. I want him to be more, I want him to express more, I want him to open up to me more. But I don’t know how to push him and tell him to do that, to even bring it up with him without him getting upset and shutting down.

I just hate how he wastes so much fucking time watching TikTok and instagram. I just hate that we don’t have much sex because he would rather watch TikTok. I hate that we are in this pattern already as only being together 3 months where a peck on the lips is all I get. There’s no passion from him.

Another example. I left Friday morning at 8am from his house (more like 8:30). I woke up at 8, showered, brushed my teeth, got ready and he was still in bed. I packed my things and got ready to leave. He’s still in bed. I kiss him goodbye and he doesn’t seem to really care that much. I walk out of his room and am leaving the house and he FINALLY COMES out to the front door and gives me one last peck. No passionate kisses, no long hugs goodbye, no “I’m going to miss you so much”. He BARELY could even muster getting out of bed to say goodbye to me. If rolls had been reversed, I would have been up and made him coffee while he was showering, I would have been standing there the whole time hugging him and kissing him. I would have walked him to his car and waved goodbye as he drove away.

Honestly, it’s just like he doesn’t care. I even told him It felt like I’m here just to fill his time.

Things with Charlie have been tough lately. I’m just getting resentful AF and things keep piling up and we just keep arguing about shit. It’s little stuff that could be easily avoidable, but just pisses me off.

Like the other day, I bought him Girl Scout cookies, he comes home and sees them on his desk and the first thing he can say is “how come you didn’t buy them from the Girl Scouts I know”… no thanks for the cookies babe or anything like that. It’s been days and he still hasn’t said thanks.

This past Sunday, I had planned a nice evening with some hot springs, a massage, etc to just relax. I reminded him about it twice. Once verbally and once via text. In the text, I listed three days and said “Make sure you have these evenings off”. Well he pops it on me that he’s closing that sunday. I told him that I had planned something and he tried to turn it around on me and blame ME for not reminding him. No,”Sorry babe, I totally forgot” or anything like that.

The last two days, I’ve honestly just wanted to pack my shit and just go home. Monday he comes home from work all pissed off and basically treated me like shit. We got into a huge fight at the gym about that. He was like “well I told you I’m sorry if I act like a jerk”. WTF that’s not how it should be. Just because you have a shitty day at work doesn’t mean you come home and treat me like shit. He also told me he was resentful of the fact that I got to have an enjoyable day that day (I had gone on a bike ride, taken astra on a hike, etc).

The other thing is that he’s totally changed as far as texting, etc goes. He says he hasn’t but he has. IE today, I text him after he got to work and said “Have a good day babe”. No reply and it’s been hours. You can’t tell me he hasn’t looked at his phone once in hours. He barely texts me at all any more. He used to text me on his lunch breaks and we’d talk about stuff. Now nothing all day long.

Yesterday, he got home from school, I was at his place but out walking astra. He gets home and doesn’t text me that he’s home. I come back and he’s sleeping in bed, I give him a kiss on the cheek and he doesn’t kiss me back just rolls over. I get in bed and ask “So are you just going to nap” and he says “Give me a second”. Well a second turns into 1.5 hours of napping. So WTF am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for you? He finally wakes up and is like “ok, ready for the gym” and we go to t he gym and get into a fight while on the way there about him napping. I just find it rude AF that he can’t just tell me “I’d like to nap, can you give me 30 minutes” or whatever.

We’re going to Vegas next week and last night he was freaking out because he doesn’t have anything to wear. He pulled a bunch of shit out of his closet and he was like “can you drop this off at the dry cleaners”. Seriously? Am I just a fucking errand boy for him? Like I know he’s busy at work and school but what does he do for me? Also apparently it’s now my job to plan Vegas because he is just too busy (but remember, he could spend an hour and a half napping yesterday).

He could easily bring me something small to appease me. Tuesday morning, I got up to go walk astra. He has Tuesdays off because he goes to class in the morning. When I left to walk astra he was watching tiktoks. When I got back, he was STILL watching tiktoks. He could have got up for 5 minutes while I was gone and made us coffee or something nice.

I just feel like everything _I_ do and everything he does is just annoying each other lately.

Him and Eric have clearly been texting a lot lately. Every time he goes to unlock his phone there’s a new message from him. So, if you can text Eric that much you can text your fucking boyfriend. I can’t remember if I mentioned the whole coffee thing one his birthday, but apparently Eric dropped off coffeee to him on his birthday. Now I am constantly wondering how often Eric just “drops by” to bring him shit. Apparently Eric drives past Charlie’s work every day. Monday I came over an there was a new Demon Slayer stocking cap on the desk. Where did that come from? Did Eric drop it off at his work too?

I just feel like he hides shit like that from me. I feel like he just treats me as his maid/mother/errand boy rather then his boyfriend. He doesn’t do anything to make me happy lately, but he told me last night he “misses when I made him happy”. WTF. I am still doing tons of shit FOR YOU.

Is this really what I want? Yesterday was our three month’s… Neither one of us have used the “L” word yet… Is it moving that way or not? I am honestly not sure.

Things have been going really well. We have been getting along, getting into a groove. Charlie’s Birthday was last week and we all went out to this big party with his family (and Eric) then went out to Castro. I took him on a flight over the SF bay the day after which was super fun and beautiful.

We haven’t been doing too much, mostly just Gym, eat, go out once a week to a bar or something.

Last week Charlie told me that Eric wanted to go see The Batman movie this week, he asked if I wanted to go with them. I said yes. Well yesterday I asked him if it was still going on. One of my friends asked if I wanted to have dinner/drinks with them to talk about something personal and I asked Charlie the movie was still going on.

I figured I would give him and Eric the chance to go see the movie together and my friend and I would go out to dinner. Charlie said ‘Yeah, we’re going to see it Wednesday’. I asked him when that was planned and he said last week. WTF?! So last week he knew that it was Wednesday but never told me? So was I ACTUALLY invited to this movie or was he just going to drop it on me and be like “oh BTW Eric and I are going to the movie tomorrow”.

So I told him about my friend wanting to get drinks and asked if they could do it Thursday or Friday. He said Eric didn’t want to do it either of those days. So then I was like “ok, well we can still just do Wednesday”… But then somehow I got totally left out of the plans and now I’m not going tonight to the movie?

This started a whole huge fight. Like the biggest fight we’ve had in our relationship. I can’t even really remember everything that went down but we drove back from SF in silence. Got to his house and he refused to talk about it. So I just left and started driving home. He called me and was like “come back”. So I did and we talked a bit about it. Honestly, I”m still pretty pissed about this whole situation.

Like, he claims that _I_ have to be the bigger man and ask Eric out to do things, he says that _I_ need to be the one to make things better with Eric. BULLSHIT. HE is the one who’s the middle man here, he’s the one who needs to step up and first tell Eric to get his shit together and secondly he needs to respect his boyfriend and be up front with Eric about what is happening.

Come to find out that last week when he “invited” me to the movie, he never TOLD Eric he invited me.

Ultimately the problem here IMHO is that he doesn’t want to upset either of us (me and eric) but he ends up pissing us off even more. Like if he wanted to just go see the movie with just Eric. He could have said that last week, could have told me they were going on Wednesday and yes, I would have been a bit annoyed but it would have been fine. Instead he fake invites me, doesn’t tell me the details of what’s going on and then it turns into a huge fight.

Another thing that super annoys me about this is now he’s going to go out and see a movie that I REALLY wanted to see, while I’ll be sitting home alone tonight instead. Super annoying. AGAIN, had he just told me last week that they were going on Wed, I could have easily found another friend go to with. Instead, I assumed I had been INVITED to this movie and that I was going to get to go see it with them.

Sorry this is a pretty incoherent post and I don’t think I’m expressing everything properly. Overall I just feel he’s still very self centered, he doesn’t understand that we’re in a relationship and he needs to consider my feelings/time with things. And to add to the complexity of this issue it’s not just that Eric is his “best friend” it’s that Eric his also his EX/Hookup/Still in love with him! His take is that I should just be “Totally fine” with him going to hang out with Eric and doing whatever he wants with him. But at the same time, I feel like if I were to do that with my friends, he would be pissed off. Because IE last night one of the arguments he used is that I just “spring” on him that I’m going out with my friends. Which I’ve barely seen any of my friends since he and I started dating and when I do go see my friends, I tell him AS SOON AS WE PLAN something. Which for my group of friends is always at least one week in advance. Honestly I get the feeling that he expects me to sit at home and do nothing while he goes out with Eric.

Again something else he said last night was that “it’s ok if you just sit at home while I’m out with Eric”. blah blah blah. Yeah, well _I_ don’t want to just sit at home waiting on your ass while you’re out having fun without me. I have friends that I want to see too and my friends can’t just drop everything at the flip of a hat because they have lives. It’s not like Eric where all he does is go to school.

I just don’t know. Honestly there are times when I’m just like “this is never going to work out” and then there are times where I’m like “this is so great”. Again yesterday, his class got cancelled so we had the whole day to do stuff. He honestly has a LOT OF SHIT that he needs to get done, studying, buying tickets to Philippines, planning Vegas trip, etc etc etc. Instead he choose to fucking take a nap and waste the day on TikTok. Sometimes I feel more like a mother to him then a boyfriend. I’ve done his laundry, washed the dishes, cleaned his room, make him dinner, remind him to get shit done, etc etc. What am I to him exactly?

Man. I dunno, it’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship but it just seems like I’m always on edge, always anxious. Always semi-annoyed.

Don’t get me wrong. We have a lot of good times together but I’m also just always sort of annoyed with him.

This past week, we didn’t really do much. He had to study so two nights we just sat in his house and he studied. I cooked dinner, normal stuff.

Jay and James apparently decided to get married. So there’s that.

A few weeks ago, Eric asked Charlie to go to a concert on the 25th. I told Charlie to go and have fun and I made plans with one of my friends, on Tuesday night I asked him if they are still going and he said no because Eric didn’t get tickets in time. Well I found some tickets for them and now they are going again.

Then yesterday we are all supposed to hang out for our first meeting since all this shit happened. I asked Charlie what the plan was and nothing was planned, I was pretty annoyed by that as well cause _I_ am part of this relationship now too. I need to know what’s going on.

Charlie said that Eric wanted to “hang out” before the three of us met up, which IMHO is BS. Why does he need to hang out before we all hang out? I was annoyed by that because they are also going to hang out Friday at the concert. But whatever to make Charlie happy and try to move things forward. Charlie gets to the bar they are meeting at at 4:30 and I ask him what time he wants me to meet them. He says 7pm. WTF are you two gonna talk about for 2+ hours? And then I come meet you? Annoying.

Anyway, we all have dinner and it as fine. Eric was way more chatty and friendly then previously but still quiet AF.

Charlie and I get back to my place, watch movie and then go to bed. This morning we wake up and while he’s getting ready for work he’s telling me about their plans tonight. So Eric is going to Charlie’s house, they are going to carpool to Berkley to this concert and then go back to Charlie’s house? WTF. Again? Like why do you have to meet at your house? Why the fuck can’t you two just meet at the concert. I get a bit annoyed about it and Charlie is like “well how is this making Eric more comfortable with you?”.

WTF? YOU’RE supposed to be trying to make ME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH ERIC. Not the other fucking way around.

I don’t know. I just don’t know if this is how things are supposed to be going. Like, I feel that only 2 months into this we should still be happy and having a good time and enjoying shit but I’m always just anxious AF. I’m always just trying to smooth things over. And is it because I’m asking too much? Am I just wanting too much from him?

We hang out every night, we sleep together every day. He brings me cute gifts. But is this really what we’re doing? Is all we’re doing just filling time with each other. Does he care about me or love me? What about ME does he really like.

He might not come over tonight after the concert… I mean I feel like that’s a good thing, we do need some time apart. But at the same time. I want him HERE. I want to know that Eric isn’t spending the night at his house or they aren’t out a bar all night long.

I’m sort of stuck in this weird, “I want a relationship but I also just want the freedom of being single” mentality right now. I want to do my own things and honestly I feel a bit held back by Charlie right now and something that Jay brought up with both of us. We’re in different places in our lives. IS this really going to work out long term? What do I really want…