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My Life

Is this how it goes?

Man. I dunno, it’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship but it just seems like I’m always on edge, always anxious. Always semi-annoyed.

Don’t get me wrong. We have a lot of good times together but I’m also just always sort of annoyed with him.

This past week, we didn’t really do much. He had to study so two nights we just sat in his house and he studied. I cooked dinner, normal stuff.

Jay and James apparently decided to get married. So there’s that.

A few weeks ago, Eric asked Charlie to go to a concert on the 25th. I told Charlie to go and have fun and I made plans with one of my friends, on Tuesday night I asked him if they are still going and he said no because Eric didn’t get tickets in time. Well I found some tickets for them and now they are going again.

Then yesterday we are all supposed to hang out for our first meeting since all this shit happened. I asked Charlie what the plan was and nothing was planned, I was pretty annoyed by that as well cause _I_ am part of this relationship now too. I need to know what’s going on.

Charlie said that Eric wanted to “hang out” before the three of us met up, which IMHO is BS. Why does he need to hang out before we all hang out? I was annoyed by that because they are also going to hang out Friday at the concert. But whatever to make Charlie happy and try to move things forward. Charlie gets to the bar they are meeting at at 4:30 and I ask him what time he wants me to meet them. He says 7pm. WTF are you two gonna talk about for 2+ hours? And then I come meet you? Annoying.

Anyway, we all have dinner and it as fine. Eric was way more chatty and friendly then previously but still quiet AF.

Charlie and I get back to my place, watch movie and then go to bed. This morning we wake up and while he’s getting ready for work he’s telling me about their plans tonight. So Eric is going to Charlie’s house, they are going to carpool to Berkley to this concert and then go back to Charlie’s house? WTF. Again? Like why do you have to meet at your house? Why the fuck can’t you two just meet at the concert. I get a bit annoyed about it and Charlie is like “well how is this making Eric more comfortable with you?”.

WTF? YOU’RE supposed to be trying to make ME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH ERIC. Not the other fucking way around.

I don’t know. I just don’t know if this is how things are supposed to be going. Like, I feel that only 2 months into this we should still be happy and having a good time and enjoying shit but I’m always just anxious AF. I’m always just trying to smooth things over. And is it because I’m asking too much? Am I just wanting too much from him?

We hang out every night, we sleep together every day. He brings me cute gifts. But is this really what we’re doing? Is all we’re doing just filling time with each other. Does he care about me or love me? What about ME does he really like.

He might not come over tonight after the concert… I mean I feel like that’s a good thing, we do need some time apart. But at the same time. I want him HERE. I want to know that Eric isn’t spending the night at his house or they aren’t out a bar all night long.

I’m sort of stuck in this weird, “I want a relationship but I also just want the freedom of being single” mentality right now. I want to do my own things and honestly I feel a bit held back by Charlie right now and something that Jay brought up with both of us. We’re in different places in our lives. IS this really going to work out long term? What do I really want…

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