Category: My Life

Feb 26, 2001

over the last 6 months i have really learned alot about

myself, about the world, and about stuff that i have missed all these years

of my life. i have missed our on who i am. on what my life is. I’ve been here

for 6 monrhts, 6 months. i’ll he here for a total of 9 months. but i’ve already

been here for 6 months. and i’ve realized how much my life really sucks. i

only know 5 peopler here, but there names only 5, i’ve been ehre for 6 months

and i only know 5 people that i can actually go up to and say, hey you wanna

go hang out some time. only 5, i’ve been here 6 fucking months. I don’t know

why i’m like this. i want to meet people, i want to go out more, i want to

live my life. but i think that as long as i’m stuck in this closet, as long

as i’m stuck with these people. that i won’t be able to live my life the way

i want to. 6 months. on march 8 i’ll have known danny for 7 months. i’m pretty

sure that’s the day. yet i only know him as a voice a personality, and i love

both of those, i love his voice and his personality. but i don’t know what

he looks like. i don’t know what i truely feel for him, is it true love, or

is it just lust? i don’t know. i hope it’s triue love. I always say that it’s

what’s inside that counts. and i believe that. as much as i can. i try to

live by that. but we all know that that’s not always the way it works out.

I think about suicide alot. it’s not just recently either, for years i’ve

been thinking about suicide. and in a way i think i’m slowly killing myself.

by limiting what people know about me and the emotions that i show. when jo

died over a year ago now, i didn’t cry until the next day at school. it was

two days before my birthday that she died. two days. as i sti here tyrping

this i’m crying now. but then i didn’t cry until the next day at school. i

remember it. i was in the computer lab and one of the servers had crashed

so i was in the server room working on it. and i just sat there looking at

the screen. and Mrs. Houseman came in and closed the door allitte ways and

asked me what was wrong. and all i could do was cry. i juse sat there and

cried. it was two fucking days befor my b-day. we had gotten jo 9 years earlier,

on my b-day. when my greatgrandma died. i didn’t cry then either. that was

a long time ago. i was young and i don’t think i understood. during the summers

though i remember we would go to the nursiing home with my grandpa and just

hang around with her. we would spend the days there playing in her wheel chari,

my cousin and i racing each other up and down the hallways. god how i bet

she loved to see us there. but when she dies, i didn’t cry. why, i don’t know.

my life. what is the meaning of life. what was man put here on earth to do?

why are we here, why are we who we are? i don’t know, i don’t think anyone

knows. What makes the starts shine, what makes this computer work> what

makes us love, what makes us hate, what makes. what. What makes us live and

what makes us die. Why did matthew sheppard die, and why did i cry for him,

when i couldn’t even cry for my own great grandmother, or my lobing dohg of

9 years? why do i cry when movies have sad endings? i don’t know. Why do i

continue to support an orignization that, if they knew who i really was, they

would kick me out on the spot? an orginaization that i so love, and one that

is currently trying it’s hardest to get ME to come and work for it? why do

i love it so much, and why does it hate me so much>? All these why’s? and

not a single answer. why, why, why. When italk to danny, it makes me so happy.

i feel like there’s a part of me missing, a huge part, and when i talk to

him, that part is there. It’s makes me so happy to hear his voice. sometimes

when i’m on the phone withi him, i’m holding back all these tears, tears of

joy, that he is there. someone i can talk to, someone that i love. I don’t

really know him at all, i know his voice, i know some of his personality,

but i don’t really kow *him* do i? liek the songs goes, “on the telephone

line i can be anyone, any hieght, any age i wanna be” i so wish i could

meet him and see who he is, get to know him in person. i do love what i know

of him now. and think that if we were to meet in real like, i hope we would

get along. But oh, so do i want to meet him. I would do anything to get to

see him. “This journal has become a litany of my complaints. Am I really

this whiny? I really should try and write something more positive, Oh well

maybe tomorrow” — Melanie’s “QaF” Character Journal.

Feb 25, 2001

so i have realized that i am completely incapable of

sleeping past 9:30. last night i was up tell 4 this morning watching movies

and such. Well this morning at 9:28. i was WIDE awake. like i had gone to

bed at a normal time the night before. and it’s not just today, it’s every

weekend that’s like that. I’m always up before 9:30 on the weekends. it’s

odd.

Feb 24, 2001

Weekends really suck. they are so fucking boring, specially

round here, yucky. it’s been raining all morning and now it’s snowing, they

are saying like 5-12 inches before monday, damnit, one week before “sring”

break and it’s still snowing, i remember a couple years ago we already had

the pool up and running by spring break, granted it wasn’t quite warm enough to swim yet, but it was getting there. My pu’s are so irresponsible. my mom

can’t ever get anything done on time. like out contract with network solutions

for our domain name expired jan 28 and she still hasn’t paid it. Only cause

the committee hasn’t approved the spending yet. but damnit i gave her the

cost info long back in november so they’ve had three committee meetings to

get it approved and it still hasn’t been done. i mean how hard is it to get

the $70 apporved? And like back when we had to pay for college she said she

would depsoit the money in my account that day and just to go ahead and write

the check. So i do that, almost $5,000 she didn’t get the money put in the

account until a week later, my check fucking bounced, and they pulled the

cash out of *MY* savings. damnit. But at least she filnally got the damn thing

depositited. but damnit, one of *MY* checks bounced. I’m really picky about that type of shit. she always does that shit, like she’ll say “Well we’ll

get it done this weekend” or something, that weekend rolls around, “well

i have to go into work and get some stuff done” DAMNIT, you said we could

do such and such THIS weekend. now you’re telling me you can’t do it. FUCKYOU.

and it happens alot now just everyonce in a while. i really have a huge hatred

for my parents. they were really never around when i was growing up, they

would work like 80-90 hours a week. Usually more. I had to cook most nights,

take care of shit. Damnit. Just like they open their mouth and i just want

to scream at them so bad. And if you’ve seen me talking to them you can usually

see it. One of my aunts said it was really bad over christmas break when she

was there. But damnit. It really hurts that they are such fucking assholes.

and they were never around when i needed them there to talk to, and they were never really open about shit. Like when i tried to tell them i was gay once,

back when i was 12. god, that was a crappy ass night. Basically it was a TON

of screaming, and bitching and trowing stuff. by the end of the night most

of my room was all over the front lawn, including my bed, and my tv. they

fucking trew most of my stuff out the second story window. it was bad, then

i found my self in “counceling” for 4 years. and on Zoloft for 6

years.i guess i can be gratefull they didn’t kick me out completly. but Damnit,

bastards. i still hate them for all of that shit. Like i’ve said before, when

iget out of here, i won’t be talking to them much, and who ever i end up spending

my life with, they won’t be seeing much of my family.

Feb 22, 2001

Government teachers are stupid. so we had this government

test, right. and one of the questions was “Explain the concepts behind

our federal system of government. Identify at least three of the specific

powers given to each government orginization and shared by them. Explain why

the founding fathers delegated teh power to each” now how would you answer that?. I answered it based on the federal government and the three branches,

you know, legislative, executive, and judicail. right, well the question was

worth 20 points, guess how many i got wrong on it, 20, damnit, i got a fucking

C on this damn test because of one godamn question. i asked him about it after

class and he even said that most people got that whole question wrong, so

is that not showing that htere is a problenm with the question or a problem

with the way he taught it? stupid bastard.

Feb 21, 2001

my econ professor is totaly nuts. we had a test today

in econ, yeah. and he would like ask the same question five times. it was

so messed up, but it was pretty easy, i think i did good on it. i hope i did

good on it. it’s snowing again here too. damnit snow in feb is just nasty.

redundant, yucky, snow in december and jan is ok, but snow this late in feb

is just nasty, and it’s coming down really hard too, i like the last hour

or so we have gotten like an inch or two. i also have some wierd people on

my buddy list, i don’t even know who they are. it’s like, hmmm. i know i added

them for a reason but why are they there, and who are they? where did i find

them at? right now i have about 5 that i have no idea who they are and like

10 others that i have just a vauge idea of who they are. but i’m not really

sure who they are or why they are there. i also got a letter from my home

camp the other day. they are basically saying that if i want to work at camp

this summer all i have to do is call and i got the job. i think it would be

a cool job if i don’t get one else where. so yeah, i have a test tonight to.

i really don’t want to go take it, it should be pretty easy but accounting

is just one of thost classes that you don’t like the tests in cause it’s just

copying numbers from one place to another and it’s just redundant and boring

shit. i don’t see why it’s a required course. i think i’ll go read some of

the book here soon. i should really get to work on that. XY is like the coolest

magazine in the world. i love it. they have all kinds of great articles and

such in it. once i get some free time where i know the r won’t be in i’ll

scan a bunch of the articles and put them up, cuase some of them are just

really good. i currently have 7,429 e-mails. i need to clean some of that

out sometime, but i really don’t want to. it’s to much work to go trough and

see what i need to get rid of. they go back over 2 years. hehe, i know most

of them i don’t need. but yeah. it’s cool.