My Life

Nov 29, 2000

Well it’s Nov 29, been more then a month since i last updated this

page. ALOT has happened since then. this is going to be one mother fucker

of an update. Well lets see, maybe i should read back to see what was happening

a month ago, then i’ll start, hold on……………………….huh, well

alot really has happened since then. well we’ll start with danny, a couple

days after i wrote that i was talking to him and then he suddenly left and

a name he had told was one of his freinds got on, well i didn’t think anything

about it, but this “friend” IMed me and picked up the convo where

danny and i had left off, so i was like, you bitch, you lied to me, only i

didn’t say that. well it turned out he did lie to me, which wasn’t anything

big, but it was his reasoning behind the liie, “cause i like to”

he said, “cause it’s fun” he said, so after that i cut it off, i

know i loved him, and i still do, but i just cut it off. after a day or so

i REALLY missed him bad. i was so depressed. well it’s been a month now since

the last time we talked, and he just IMed me out of the blue. and we started

talking catching up then out of no where he asked me ifi still had feelings

for him. and of course since i do i said that i liked him as a close friend

yet. well then he said that he couldn’t get me out of his mind. and that he still liked me. so we talked for a bit that night, then last night he called

me out of no where, while we were online and he played his normal cute game

of him not talking, and all i did was play music for him over the phone for

like two hours. and we had a really nice convo. and then tonight i talked

to him for like 20 minutes, and i asked if what his middle name was, and he said he didn’t have one. how could you not have a middle name? but o well,

it’s cute. well lets see what else, o well i had a BLAST at my cousins, she’s

really cool about the whole gay thing, she bought books and has been reading

up on it, and she bought me a really cool book to. then we went out shopping

and stuff and got my hair colored and i pierced my right ear, hehe, the RIGHT

one. and then lets see, o yeah t-day was not that long ago. o god, well here,

i’ll just copy and paste some stuff. OK well i got home Wed. night about 7:30

(an hour ahead of schedule, i guess i was speeding a bit kmore then i realized)

and i walked in the door and went str8 for the kitchen (like always, it’s

a habit) and my mom was in there cooking pies for t-day. well she simply said,

“I see your cousin was a good influence” and that was that. Then i went over

and said hi to my dad, and all he waid was “What’s up Blondy” and then i went

over and spent the rest of the night cooking with my mom (tell about 11) then

thurs morning, i meet my dad in the hall way on the way to the shower, and

he FINALLY saw my ear ring, and said “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IN YOUR EAR.”

and i just walked away from him. and that was the end of that tell we went

to my aunts house (where t-day was this year, they moved it up here cause

of the funeral). Well i walked in the door and the first person i see is of

course my Grandma. and she says “CHRISTOPHER” and i could tell from the tone of her voice that she wasn’t happy, so i just kissed her and walked out the

door again. Then about ten minuts later i walked in again, and kissed her

again and said hi to everyone. and then my aunts and everyone (execpt grandma)

comented on how goo di looked and that they liked the hair, but the ear never

came up tell later. then i helped cook like i normally do, and then we had

a nice lunch. then after words everyone slpits up, the men go and watch the

football and the women all go and sit around the kitchen table and talk. well

i have ALWAYS joined the women, cause i don’t like football. so then my aunts

were talking about my ear, (one of them finally brought it up, my cousins

mom, shiela). and then my other aunt, asked which ear it was in. and i said

right (she was in a spot where she couldn’t see me and apperently hadn’t noticed,

janell). and then she said “well i thought left was right and right was wrong”

and i just kinda sat there and smiled. and then one of my asshole 2nd aunts

( a truck driver, pam) said, what were trying to say is are you a faggot.

and then instantly sheila perked up and said “only in this family would they

ask some so str8 out” then my grandma said “well i hope not” and then i sheila

changed the subject quite quickly, and it never came up again. and then i

talked to my cousin after wards, and she said it never came up again after

i left, but then today i got this e-mail from my aunt it really freaked me

out. but i think she’s put one and one together and she seems cool with it.

so other then that, alls going ok here, i still want the fucking hell out

of here, and all that shit, classes are tooo damn easy. i still don’t have

a job, but danny thinks i’m being more spontaneous. hehe, i think that’s good.

i’m still depressed, and really tired, but i’m not forgetting as much anymore.

well i think that’s all for now i’ve bitched enough. i’ll try to keep this

updated more, i guess.

My Life

Oct 26, 2000

well it’s oct 26 like 9 or so, i don’t know anymore what time

it is, I’ve been losing track of the dates and the time alot lately. i don’t

know what it is. well i dropped chem yesterday, that was a lot of fun, thank

god i’m out of that class. o but that means i have to take class where ever

i go next year, i hope danny and i keep up and end up somewhere close to each

other. i really love him, he’s so sweet. i forgot that halloween was coming

up wonder what i’ll do for it. hmmm. o well, i will probobly end up sitting

around on my lazy duff like any other day. hmmmm. damn people, they always

interupt me when i am trying to do my damn work. well i’ve been doing my schedules

for next semester and filling out college apps, yuck, god i want to get out

of here so fucking bad, i want out out i wan. ddamn it. this sucks so fucking

bad, everything is so damn easy. so damn easy, so far i am getting A’s in

evey class, except chem, but i dropped it. o well. well i hadn’t realized

it been so long since i last updated so i wll go back and recap a few things.

well i went to SF, after i talked to danny, i went to this club called jamz,

well i never made it in, i think i have social anxity, i drove around the

place for like a hour. but never actually made it in. i’m going to go see

my cousin on nov 9, we are going to go out then, i know it. i’m also thinking

of getting my ear pierced, probobly won’t but i’m thinking, i think too much.

that’s my problem, i need to be more spontaneous. well i had this feeling

that danny was ignoring me so i wrote him this big old long e-mail, i sent

it with out reading it again, not smart, he responded promptly the next morning,

i love him so much, i don’t know what had come over me when i worte that e-mail

it was really messed up, some how i went from talking about how i mised him

to the meaning of life and death, to religion, to him rating his sexual preference

on the kinsey was odd. i appoligized for it and send him a rose.

i really love him. well some one needs to get me some drugs, i’m so damn depressed

now, they say that by 2020 depression will be the number 2 killer. odd huh.

huh, when i started there was something else i wanted to babble about, but

i don’t remember it now, but that brings up another good point, my memory,

it’s been really bad lately, i can’t remember anything, i’m sleeping enough,

but it’s just that i can’t remember. i can’t remember crap. o well, i think

i have a really bad case of depreasion, my parents are starting to worry i

think. they called the other day. hey i don’t know if i babbled about this already or not, but i’m planning for next semester, american gov, econ, accounting,

bus aps, and some other thing but i forget it now. well i think that is enough

for now, cause i can’t remember what i was originally going to bitch about.

maybe i will remember by tomorrow.

My Life

Oct 18, 2000

ok welll today is wed oct 18. Damn it’s been a long day. had a horrid chem class.

i so hate that class. havne’t talked to danny yet…i’m really sad about that.

god i love him so much where is he? i hope i didn’t scare him off with or convo

on sat. bloody hell… heart feels like it’s ripping. o had chem lab today

that really sucked. i love chem but for some reason i just don’t understand

it. o yeah sitll haven’t found a job….o well i don’t think i will get one.

homework takes up to much of my time. i hate life. well for some reason these

just keep getting shorter and shorter. maybe i need some help…..should i go

talk to someone. i hate couselors…..i really do. but then i am trained in

“frist aid therapy” as it’s called….also trained in frist aid, life

gaurding, child saftey, CPR, what else i know i am missing something, o well

it will come back to me. my roomie is a dumb ass. he fucking smells, i can’t

beleive that he can’t smell it….god it SO reacks in here. i need some drugs….i

think i should go to SF this weekend for a bit. maybe see if i can find a good

club to go to. prob not. my parents never let me go out when i was younger…..i

really ahte them for that now. why does our society have social classes. why.

i never understood that. can’t people just like people? i feel that i get along

with about anyone….but people just don’t seem to understand. well enough of

this i’m tired.

My Life

Oct 17, 2000

10:00 Tues oct 17. well today has been pretty funny. i watched the

debates today…..god do i hate politics. haven’t talked to “d”

yet so i e-mailed him, hope he sends me something back. well this one sucks

can’t really think of anything that happened today that is worth talking about.

oyeah talked to doug today i really feel for him. hope he’s ok….i think

he needs to get some help….outside help. well in programming today we did

nothing like normal. i have chem lab tomorrow god i don’t want to go to that.

hmmmm….well i guess that is all for now. damn this update sucks.

My Life

Oct 16, 2000

Afternoon Monday October 16, 2000. well today hasn’t been very good. finally

got our chem test back…got a “d” on it….damn. also failed my

last homework assingment. fuck this shit i hate chemistry. i’m going to go

in and talk to the pro tomorrow. i can’t beleive i got a “d” on

it i thought i did so good. o well. well i am finally caught up on my chem

assingments though that’s a good thing even though i probobly failed all of

them to. damn it i hate my life. well haven’t talked to danny yet today…that

sucks but he is normally on later in the evening so maybe i will still gat

a chance to talk to him. I’ve been looking at costs to fly out and see him

but it’s to damn expensie i would have to drive all the way to lincoln to

get the cheapest fares and that’s still $346.98 i can’t afford that at the

moment. well maybe some day i will get to see him..i still hanve’t got a pic

of him that makes me kinda pived. but i love him for who he is and not for

what he looks like..i think that brings a closer to each other…..even though

we are still thousands of miles apart. hmmm wonder when his spring break is.

maybe we could do a road trip and meet half way. i really need a job. i think

i need to take som eof that paxil stuff……i hate talkig to people……i

hate my life all together maybe i really am depressed. hmm I’m dignosing myself.

maybe i should go into psychology instead of computers…i like to help people.

well i thnk that is all for now.