Category: My Life

Oct 29, 2001 #2

Oct 29, [Enigma, "Push The Limits"]

Ok, well finally we’ll get around to an update about the weekend eh?

First off, on Friday I went over and pick up Adam, we headed off to Lenox

and Corning. We went to Corning first and picked up David. Who by the way,

si really fucking hot. hehe. But then we went back to Creston, had supper

at The Windrow, and just hung out. It’s really fucking boring there, so

we spent most of our time just wondering around, but what ever. It was fun

times with two really hot guys. At one point David suggested we go rent

a hotel room for three hours. I was all over that one, but we never did.

🙁 lol. About 11 or so we took him home and Adam and I went back to my G&G’s

house. And went to bed. I really like sleeping with him. You have no idea

how great it is to have someone’s body next to you in bed until you’ve done

it. You can’t really explain it, but whenever I sleep with him, I get like

the best nights sleep ever. It’s so great.

Then Saturday we got up about 11 and went downstairs and talked to my Grandparents

for a while, they seemed to really like him. (hehe, now Shiela’s the only

person that hasn’t met him that wants too) lol. But yeah, good times there.

Then after a while we went out and walked around town for a while. I showed

him around town and we hung had a good time. We also had an amusing sheep

encounter, but I don’t really want to get into that right now. Oh well.

After that we went back to my G&G’s house and we had lunch. It was really

good, and of course Adam complained that she stuffed us too full, which

she did cause that’s the way she is. It was good though. After that we went

out to the lake and talked and took some more pictures. Fun times there.

Then we went back to my G&G’s house, talked to them for a bit more,

and then left. We were back to Des Moines by like 7:30 or so, so we went

downtown for a while, there really wasn’t much going on, so we went back

to Adam’s house and just talked. (We talk alot don’t we, I’ve got no idea

what we spend all of our time talking about, but we always seem to find

something to talk about, it’s wierd). I left there about 1Am and went home

to bed. I didn’t sleep as well that night, cause I didn’t have anyone to

cuddle with.

Sunday I was awaken by Andy playing overly loud music in the bathroom.

Grrr. Oh well. I was going to get up anyhow about that time, but now that

he was in the bathroom I had to wiat, so well I was waiting Adam called.

I forget how we got to it, but he wanted me to install Win2k Pro on his

computer. So I went over there and proceeded to spend the next 7 hours installing

that and getting everything to work right. It was fun though. Today I guess

they’re having a few problems, which I’ve sorted out. Adam and Melinda really

like it, but Rob, being the control freak that he is, doesn’t like that

he can’t play with other people’s things, or something like that. I dunno.

I’m working on solutions, that’s what I get paid the big bucks for!

This mornig I was really confused, I woke up at 7, looked outside, and

it the sun was shining bright, I was like, WTF? Did I miss my alarm, so

I got up, looked at the clock and it said that it was 7, so I looked at

my watch, it said it was 7 too. I was like, hmmm. What’s going on here.

Then I remembered it was that whole Daylight Savings time. So I went back

to bed. But I just couldn’t get it out of my head how bright it was, so

I checked the clock and my watch a few more times, determined that it was

indeed only 7, and went back to bed for another half an hour. Well I got

up at 7:30, like I normally do, went to take my shower and was surpirsed

when I found a LINE for the fucking shower. Now normally, there’ is never

anyone in the showers at 7:30, so I’m guessing some people must have forgotten

about the whole Day light things. hehe, sucks to be them. So I waited in

line, got in and turned on the shower, only to find out there was no fucking

HOT water. GRRRR. So I had to take a cold shower this morning, that sucked.

I’m going to go take another shower here soon sometime.

I installed Opera on my computer today and played around with Graymatter,

which I really like. Now it’s just a matter of finding someone to host it.

Grrr. I also found my Zippo, my thumb ring, my rainbow earring, which I’m

going to have put in this weekend maybe, and I found something else, but

I can’t remebmer what it was now. Oh well. I’m out….

Oct 29, 2001

Oct 29, [Enya, "A Day Without Rain"]

I’m so close to just a total complete breakdown right now. I can’t fucking

study, I can’t think at all. I hate my roommate. I’m doing a shity ass job

in my classes. I just hate it here. It’s only 1 and already today I’ve broken

down crying a few times. I mean, I just can’t handle it. I can’t study in

this environment, and I can’t find anywhere that I really can study. It

doesn’t help that my roommate just sits in here and watches those damn fucking

annoying TV shows all day, have you ever tried studying with MASH, or some

other stupid comedy central show playing in the background? It just doesn’t

work. And this morning was just the last fucking straw too. I got my Bartelby

paper back and I got a fucking "F" on it. I mean I worked my ass

off on that damn paper. I worked hard on it, you know what she said, she

said I didn’t follow the directions at all. I followed the fucking directions,

I did what I was supposed to. I explained why that mother fucking lawyer

was "an altruist." Maybe if she would have spent a little, just

a little bit of time explaining what it was that she wanted then, or giving

us an example, or maybe had she given us more choices on what to write about

in that damn paper. I just want to give up. I want to drop out now and just

go away somewhere. I don’t want to fucking be here at all.

Next week I’ve got another paper due in that class, a paper that she just

handed out the directions for today. I called the writing center to see

if I could get help in there, and they told me that I had to call a week

in advance to get in. Fuckers, what kind of help is that? I have to call

a week in advance to be able to get help? What about when the fucking teacher

doesn’t hand out the directions until less then a week before the damn paper

is due? Huh? What the hell are we supposed to do then? God damnit. I’ve

got three tests next week, a quiz. I can’t handle this, everything just

fucking piles up and piles up. It’s just to much for me to handle right

now.

Oct 26, 2001

Oct 26, [BBMak, "More Then Words"]

ONE YEAR OF RANTINGS!!!! Yep, that’s right, one year ago today I started

this page!

Ya know, WinXP has only been out one bloody day and I’m already sick of

hearing about it. M$ is promoting it as the savior of the world, and really,

it’s just a piece of shit. Win2k Pro will work just fine for me thanks.

Bastards anywho. I want to switch over to a total linux box, but there’s

just a few things that I don’t want to risk losing. Maybe this summer I’ll

work on that and save up some money for copy of Win for Linux or something,

that way if I do have to use Windows for something, I can just use that.

Or maybe I’ll just buy myself a Win laptop, that’d be nice.

So it’s Friday as well. Tonight Adam and I are going to my G&G’s, fun

times. We’re going to hang out with David, which should be fun. I’ve been

looking forward to meeting him.

Ok. I have to be going to class now, See everyone Sunday….

Oct 25, 2001

Oct 25, [Eddie Izzard, "Glorious"]

Notes to self: A) Must start remembering to wear a coat each time I leave

the building, just because it looks nice out doesn’t mean it is. B) Must

not start listening to something amusing when there’s homework to be done.

Yes, it’s that time of year again, and even though it looks as though it

should be like 70 degrees out, it’s bloody not. I got up this morning, and

looked out side. It looked nice. Yep, looked nice, so I thought to myself.

It should be a good sweater day. Well I headed out towards my first class,

and I got outside and it was bloody fucking cold, I was like, holy buckets

it’s cold outside. So yeah.

Now I’m listening to Eddie Izzard’s Glorious, and it’s funny shit. I can’t

think about my Homework now. I’m supposed to be writing a summary of this

paper thing. Grrr. Ok, I’m off…

Oct 24, 2001

Oct 24, [Elton John, "Can You Feel The Love Tonight"]

The trouble with intimacy is that it means vulnerability. Everyone wants

intimacy but few of us are very good at vulnerability We pay lip service

to "openness" and "trust," but usually these are mask

words which we use to hide ourselves and to keep others at bay. Get too

close to me and I’ll beat you over the heard with my openness and trust.

With the vocabulary provided by Freud and his followers, and the time provided

by increased leisure and life expectancy, our generation is the first in

history to set out self-consciously and in massive numbers to search for

the joys of intimacy. But there is no evidence that we have much progressed

over our predecessors in our skills at vulnerability. We attempt to make

bricks, despite the biblical lesson on the subject, without straw.

How much authentic vulnerability — as opposed to the synthetic kind acquired

on encounter weekends — have you observed on the expressway to intimacy?

The vulnerable person is strong enough to risk getting hurt — not pointlessly,

not irrationally, not as an inverted defense mechanism, but as part of a

reasonable if not altogether rational risk. He can give himself to another

human being not like a dive bomber crashing into an aircraft carrier or

like a Mack truck crumpling a Volkswagen, but rather in a gentle and subtle

process by which the other is incited, indeed seduced, to give himself in

return.

How many such people do you know?

The vulnerable person takes a chance on having his heart broken. He strips

himself of his defenses in the hope that when the other sees him as he is,

the other will find him irresistible. In such a defenseless position, he

can very easily be hurt, badly hurt.

Furthermore, he will be hurt. The lesson of all our experience is

that the vulnerable person does indeed have his heart broken, he is indeed

ridiculed, rejected, made a fool of. Sometimes the pain of such a heartbreak

is healed as reconciliation restores the violated intimacy. But only the

most naive believe that all stories have happy endings. Some broken hearts

remain broken.

Yet the deadly paradox of intimacy is that either we strip away our defenses

in a continuing process or we build them up in a similar process. We either

let the other get closer to us and thus get closer to him or we push each

other away. There is no middle ground. When push comes to shove, most of

us push instead of surrendering.

In our pseudosophisitcation we try to persuade ourselves that we are no

longer troubled by the shame of physical nudity. It is an act that normally

does not work. But physical nakedness is a symbol — indeed a "sacrament"

— of psychological nakedness. We are "shamed" when we take off

our clothes because we have nothing left under which to hide, nothing to

protect our weaknesses and deficiencies, we are defenseless, easily hurt.

Psychic nakedness is much more terrifying — and hence much less frequently

attempted. For if the other can see us as we are, then we are open to being

destroyed by him.

So we hedge our bets and protect our own apparent worthlessness. The cynical

"Why take the chance?" — rarely spoken but more a barrage of

words claiming that we are not afraid. It is all the other people who claim

to be "open and trusting" who are kidding themselves.

The theologians used to call this fear of the other "original sin."

The name may be out of fashion, but reality is not. Blessed be he who does

not take chances for he will not be hurt. Woe to him who risks giving his

whole self, for he surely will be hurt.

But then it may be worth it. And the name of that thought, according to

the old theologians, was Grace.