go go go go shorty its your birthday

Not much to update about, but I’m bored and everyone has already gone to bed *AHEM* Chris and Adam! Loser pants can’t even stay up to talk to me! Bah!
So today I woke up feeling a bit better, and stupid for writing that last entry… I’d delete it, but that takes too much work. Anyways.
School was so freaking stupid. In Publications, we didn’t have the computers working, so we just sat around and talked for most of the period. Towards the end I had to fix someone’s layout (after the comps were fixed, of course) which just bothers me. It’s like “Don’t take the class, leave at term, and expect everyone else to pick up your shit.” I think that people who quit early should have to at leats finish the layout they were working on instead of making the rest of the class do it.
Grr.
Then in English, oh My. We just sat there… she gave us grade sheets and I had a 156 out of 200 on my Hamlet paper on my grade sheet, and that totally shot my day. Well, then she hands back the actual paper and I have a 190 out of 200, with all these comments about how my thoroughness and thoughtfulness overrid all the grammar errors. lol. I was like “Yeah so this is wrong.” She changed it and itbrought my grade up 2.4 percent to a 97.4…. and guess what? That’s still .6 away from an A+! Oh well, who gives a fuck anyways?
THen we just sat and did random shit! I hate English! AND she guilted me into taking the AP Test. I really didn’t want to, but then she stopped me and was like “YOu are taking the AP Test, right? I know you’ll get a 5 and do so well.” And I couldn’t say no. I was like “yeah of course I’m taking it.” *Sigh* It really isn’t a big deal I guess. Stupid english, stupid school.
After school, Jenny and I went to work out. That was fun I guess. For some reason, doing the elliptical machine for half an hour didn’t seem bad at all today. It was actually somewhat fun. Then I actually did my situps at the Y. I think I will continue to do them there, because it wasn’t very crowded and usually when I do them at home, by time I get here, I’m too tired to actually want to do them. Now I can get it all done at the Y, then just come home and shower.
Work was ok, though I had to stay until 7:20 b/c some stupid man was an idiot. I explained like 5097829348723948 times that we were UTA, but he just didn’t care. He had called in before and we had told him the same thing, but I guess he doesn’t like to listen. Julia, Claudia, and I were the only people there. I was so annoyed, but at least I got paid for that extra 20 minutes. And after missing 3 days, I really need it.
I told Mother about my ticket b/c the Insurance company called and she asked if I had anything to tell her. So yeah… that wasn’t so good. I totally forgot that I was on probation for a year….. Uh oh… basically Mother says that I’ll lose my license. This escalated into a huge fight where she told me that I’ll be this horrible inconvience to her blah blah blah worst son blah blah how can I be so smart and do such dumb things blah blah. I was like fuck off. The point is, if I do get my license taken away it’s gonna SUCK! Like really horribly. My mom said that if it does happen, shes gonna go to court and plead with them to just let me use it for school and work but nothing else. So then I have to inconvience all my friends…. oh gosh, I’m having flashbacks to LAST summer when I had no license! Why don’t I ever have a license?? ::cries:: This is terrible… why the fuck am I such a speed demon? ::cries some more:: This summer’s gonna SUCK ASS if I don’t have a license…

*Sigh*
Well I WAS having a better day. Now I’m feeling just bleh. Yeah so I’m totally done with that. Three times was enough, I’ve struck out, and now I’m done. Don’t try to guess what it is, because you won’t.
School tomorrow… ugh.
I’m missing something… I finally figured it out while showering for the 2nd time… I’m unfulfilled. I don’t know what it will take to fulfill me… but I really feel like I’m missing something.. Eh.
BREAK!

Andrew’s Privates!

21:58:21 squall0112: perhaps ill just copy and past you key parts
21:58:29 squall0112: its not like its anything you dont already know i dont think
21:58:29 blackc2004: lol
21:59:28 squall0112: So the events of Thursday night seem like a dream, it seems like maybe they’ve been forgotten too….
*sigh*
And such is life.

22:00:05 blackc2004: They haven’t been forgotten!
22:00:32 squall0112: i wrote that last sunday
22:00:41 squall0112: i thought you wanted to forget…
22:00:55 blackc2004: Well no matter when you wrote it…. They haven’t been… And I don’t want to!
22:00:59 blackc2004: Just so you know!
22:01:09 squall0112: ok
22:01:56 squall0112: wait i have more… lol
22:02:07 blackc2004: Ok
22:02:18 squall0112: Hanging out with Adam and Chris tonight was fun… but the problem is, I just want to be with Chris so bad and I feel I make it pretty obvious

22:02:25 squall0112: But sometimes… when we are driving and he looks at me through the rear view mirror, or when we are just looking at each other while others talk. Do I really see it? Do I really feel it when he hugs me? Or do I just tell myself that I do so that I don’t feel like such a dumbshit…?

22:02:50 squall0112: This is so stupid… I get so upset for no freaking reason… I mean, obviously I CAN’T be with Chris…
I don’t know why I just won’t accept it and move on. I just like him too much.

22:03:01 squall0112: Here I am, again, sitting home by myself, with no one to care for me and nothing to show….
Whatever…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Who needs boys anyway….? Not me, apparently…
Oh well

Damn, this sucks.

22:03:06 blackc2004: You’re not telling yourself that.
22:03:16 blackc2004: Everyone needs bois!
22:03:20 blackc2004: GASP!
22:03:39 squall0112: what are you gasping about?
22:03:51 blackc2004: How dare you even things about giving up bois!
22:03:52 blackc2004: lol
22:04:10 squall0112: eh
22:04:29 blackc2004: And you have a reason to be upset.
22:04:39 blackc2004: But everything will be alright sometime!
22:05:21 squall0112: eh
22:05:32 squall0112: I hate it… I hate that I allowed myself to do this.. to me, to Chris, and to Adam. But I felt so *right* with Chris, I can’t explain it.

22:05:46 squall0112: I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I felt a real connection with him and everytime I realized that I couldn’t actually have him, I would just hold him closer. I just didn’t want to let go.

22:06:15 squall0112: It was just so wonderful, so wonderful to kiss him, so wonderful to have him hold me, and so nice to hold him.

22:07:04 blackc2004: ::wipes tears::
22:07:52 squall0112: im sorry
22:07:57 squall0112: i probably shouldnt of showed you that
22:08:13 blackc2004: It was VERY wonderful though, I just wish I could to more to make things better for you!
22:08:51 blackc2004: It’s fine! It’s very touching… Really it is.
22:09:09 blackc2004: And so true as well.
22:09:11 squall0112: it would be better if i could be with you……….. and per our previous discussions, it just isnt going to happen……..
22:11:04 blackc2004: http://www.cjbonline.org/poems/whatididntwant.php (I think that’s a good poem… I just hope it’s not too depressing)
22:12:26 squall0112: that is good…
22:13:39 blackc2004: Things will be good eventually…
22:13:51 squall0112: do you really think so?
22:13:52 blackc2004: What’s supposed to work out, always seems to work out.
22:14:28 squall0112: i guess
22:14:31 blackc2004: Yes, I do think so!
22:14:53 squall0112: well i just hope everything works out the way i want it to ..
22:15:05 squall0112: as selfish as that may sound
22:15:37 blackc2004: The greatest amount of happiness for the greatest amount of people…. Crazy Philosophy people!
22:16:41 squall0112: maybe we need to get more people involved in this to make that work
22:16:46 blackc2004: 22:13:43 acersai: I like how there’s no longer a YOU or and I in I love you…
22:14:00 blackc2004: lol
22:14:04 acersai: It’s been condenced into just LOVE…not love for me…just LOVE in general.
22:14:48 acersai: You should be able to paint in on billboards and sky write it.
22:16:51 blackc2004: If only he knew.
22:16:55 blackc2004: Yeah, perhaps we should!
22:17:14 blackc2004: Well we could Add scott in, that’d be another happy person when Adam and I break it up.
22:17:20 squall0112: i almost pity him…
22:17:38 squall0112: yeahlol
22:17:40 blackc2004: lol
22:18:12 blackc2004: I’m sure Dustin would be happier, cause we’d be better friends? Ummm…. I’m sure there’s more!
22:18:13 blackc2004: lol
22:18:18 squall0112: lol
22:18:27 squall0112: i feel terrible saying id be happier if you guys broke up, i really do
22:18:32 squall0112: but its my honest feeling
22:18:42 squall0112: in all honesty im a bit sick of being UNhappy
22:18:47 blackc2004: I know, and that’s alright to feel.
22:18:57 blackc2004: Everyone’s got to think of themselves sometimes.
22:19:13 blackc2004: And when it comes to your own happieness… You have to think of yourself all the time!
22:19:15 blackc2004: lol
22:19:30 squall0112: that sounds like something ive been telling you!!
22:19:33 blackc2004: lol
22:19:48 blackc2004: Don’t you love it when people twist your own words back on you!
22:19:49 blackc2004: lol
22:20:13 blackc2004: But you see… I rarley ever think of my own happiness. I think that’s my problem.
22:20:14 blackc2004: lol
22:20:37 squall0112: well i think you should start
22:20:45 blackc2004: I’m more all about the “What’ll make my life easier”
22:20:45 blackc2004: lol
22:20:47 squall0112: decide to youself “what is best for ME?”
22:21:08 squall0112: lol well that could work too… but happiness and easyality (is that a word) dont always go together
22:21:17 blackc2004: True.
22:21:39 squall0112: youre gonna break many a heart mr. black
22:21:47 squall0112: so you better grow those balls soon
22:21:48 blackc2004: But I don’t WANNA! ::whines::
22:22:05 squall0112: the best guys break the most hearts
22:22:09 blackc2004: lol
22:23:12 squall0112: i finished my update but its not really worth reading
22:23:19 squall0112: i just randomly wrtoe
22:23:28 blackc2004: I hate relationships… I’ll just be single my whole like and take home randoms… LIke Brian from QaF.
22:23:40 blackc2004: Anything you write is worth reading!
22:23:41 blackc2004: lol
22:23:51 squall0112: i think right now i am brian lol
22:23:54 squall0112: wheres my michael???
22:24:00 blackc2004: lol
22:24:47 blackc2004: Awwww. I’m sorry… ::there there::; (With head bobbing motions)
22:24:48 blackc2004: lol
22:25:01 squall0112: thanks lol
22:25:25 squall0112: ill be fine
22:25:34 squall0112: though another sleepover i feel wont help the situation lol
22:25:38 blackc2004: lol
22:25:42 blackc2004: You’re telling me…
22:25:47 blackc2004: But I guess we’re having one!
22:25:52 blackc2004: This weekend!
22:26:02 squall0112: adam was like “im going to work from 530 till like 11 so you and chris can just hang out at my house the whole time”
22:26:07 squall0112: i was like ‘uhhhh ok…’
22:26:30 squall0112: and he was like “dont do anything bad lol” and i was like “heh… heh… yah……”
22:26:35 blackc2004: lol
22:26:43 blackc2004: I bet that’s not EXACTLY how it went!
22:27:20 squall0112: nah i just said lol
22:27:24 squall0112: and then i said “quit it”

Hanging Out

So random shit yeah….

Hanging out with Adam and Chris tonight was fun… but the problem is, I just want to be with Chris so bad and I feel I make it pretty obvious.
But sometimes… when we are driving and he looks at me through the rear view mirror, or when we are just looking at each other while others talk. Do I really see it? Do I really feel it when he hugs me? Or do I just tell myself that I do so that I don’t feel like such a dumbshit…?
Who the hell knows?
This is so stupid… I get so upset for no freaking reason… I mean, obviously I CAN’T be with Chris…
I don’t know why I just won’t accept it and move on. Best friend and love interest all at once isn’t a good combination.
It’s so frustrating! Grrr…. I just wanna disappear sometimes! Or just have freaking August get here so I can just go away and not deal with it…
Here I am, again, sitting home by myself, with no one to care for me and nothing to show….
Whatever…grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Who needs boys anyway….? Not me, apparently…
Oh well

Damn, this sucks.
Current mood: depressed
Current music: faye wong “eyes on me”

Oh God

4:57PM – oh god…

So last night I did a very bad thing.
Chris wanted tot alk and hang out, he had wanted to talk last weekend about the events that went on, but we never got a chance to be alone so it never happened.
Well, I went up to Ames last night. I spent the night there.
Chris let me read the private entry he had written about what happened. It detailed the night and talked about how he felt bad for me and wanted so badly for me to bein the middle so I wouldn’t feel so bad. It talked about how he was holding my hand….. he said that my hands were so soft and gentle, not like Adam’s at all. He also said that sometimes he feels for me more than he feels for Adam. I read it all and almost had tears in my house. He then told methat he wanted to tell me that he truly cares about me.
This escalated into a talk about my feelings and shit. I told him that I have really strong feelings for him. He said that the feeligs were reciprocated….
I asked if he felt anything when we kissed (thats anothr thing,he wrote about how intimate kissing is, and how when I came close to him it was like a magnet, and he couldn’t stop). He told me that when we kissed, it was heaven, and he couldn’t imagine anything better. I didn’t know what to say…. I was a bit overwhelmed. I never dreamed that the feelings would ever be returned.
He said that he’s had a really hard time lately b/c of his feelings for me, and has contemplated breaking up with Adam. He said that if I wasn’t going to Chapman, he would have a very very tough decision to make. I was reallly touched, but still felt bad…like here is this great guy, telling me how much he likes me, I’m telling him how much I like him, and yet nothing can happen.
He said that I was pretty much the only person he likes to hang out with one-on-one. He said he doesn’t even like Adam very much one on one and that he was happy I wanted to take the time to know him and realize that him and Adam were two seperate people. He said Adam is only holding on to their relationship by a thread.
We were holding hands again.
I told him all about how when we were looking at each other, I thought I saw that something in his eye, the *something* that said that he feltthe same way I did as we held hands after the whole ordeal. He told me that I didn’t see it just that one time, that I saw it everytime and that he felt exactly the way that I did.
I want to be with him so bad.
We kinda just curled up together, holding each other.

We kissed.
I’m almost tearing up as I write this…. I don’t know how it happened, I’m not even sure who made the first move. But we kissed.
He asked if Adam had sent me to see if he would cheat on him. I laughed…
And we kissed.
I hate it… I hate that I allowed myself to do this.. to me, to Chris, and to Adam. But I felt so *right* with Chris, I can’t explain it.
I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I felt a real connection with him and everytime I realized that I couldn’t actually have him, I would just hold him closer. I just didn’t want to let go.
We spent the entire night in each other’s arms. Rotating positions every now and then… it was so nice…. so very nice. I told him he was beautiful…. He is such a great guy.
How did I get myself into this predicament?
We also kept sporadically kissing during the night, but it wasn’t like with any sexual intent. I just loved it… it was sweet and sensual…. like there were actual feelings behind it, not just wanting sex. It was just so wonderful, so wonderful to kiss him, so wonderful to have him hold me, and so nice to hold him.
I thought for sure that he just didn’t want to do this… but he did…. he assure me.
I told him that I just needed to know if the feelings were reciprocated. He said that everything I felt, he felt.
It was such a great feeling tohave someone tell me that.
The next morning, it almost seemed like he immediately regretted everything. I don’t know, it was probably just me making stuff up.
When we said goodbye, he kissed me again…so sweet, so caring…*sigh*
At lunch, KT, Rach, and Court just wouldn’ shut up about how immoral I am, and how horribly wrong it is that Adam doesn’t know….
But it didn’t feel wrong at all to me.
It felt so right.
Nevertheless, they made me feel like shit.
Well, I have to go meet Chris at the mall….. just the two of us time again. Yay! But first I have to call and pay the rest of the balance on the cruise… so yay to that too I guess….

Gosh, I really do like him…… how did this happen….?
Current mood: crushed
Current music: tamia–theres a stranger in my house

Andrew Talking about Relationships

21:51:47 squall0112: stupid computer
21:51:59 blackc2004: Stupid computer user!
21:52:00 blackc2004: lol
21:52:29 squall0112: bah
21:52:38 blackc2004: I’ll BAH your ass!
21:52:55 squall0112: whatever
21:53:05 squall0112: so ive got a question.. what were your thoughts on what happened?
21:53:26 blackc2004: What do you mean?
21:53:54 squall0112: just what were your thoughts? like , dislike, etc?
21:55:05 blackc2004: I liked it, it was very nice.
21:55:09 blackc2004: u?
21:55:23 squall0112: im sure you know the answer to that
21:55:29 blackc2004: lol.
21:56:10 squall0112: but like beyond that, do you have any other thoughts?
21:58:18 blackc2004: I’m still undecided about a lot of things really. It was nice, but there’s still questions in my head, especially after what happened between Adam, James and I. I don’t want a reocurance of that because you are a much better friend then James, and I don’t want to fuck that up.
21:59:29 squall0112: yes of course
22:00:49 squall0112: do you feel like a mutual attraction betweeen all of us?
22:02:35 blackc2004: Yeah I feel that way.
22:04:10 squall0112: thats cool
22:04:33 squall0112: i just thought id ask since you never volunteer your opinion, mr. black!
22:04:39 blackc2004: I’m really confussed right now. Because I don’t know how you feel, Adam and I have talked about it.
22:04:48 squall0112: what about?
22:04:50 blackc2004: And I know what you’ve told Adam, but that’s not much.
22:05:02 blackc2004: About the whole thing. What are your feelings?
22:05:19 squall0112: i dont really know.. i mean i like both of you guys you know?
22:05:51 blackc2004: Yeah.
22:06:20 squall0112: what about you?
22:06:25 squall0112: its so confusing to me
22:07:22 blackc2004: Join the confusion club!
22:07:42 blackc2004: But I’m sure we’ll all work it out! We should just have another session in the “Trust Tub”
22:07:43 blackc2004: lol
22:08:01 squall0112: lol
22:08:16 squall0112: im just not sure i should allow myself to feel anything
22:08:23 blackc2004: Why not?
22:09:16 squall0112: b/c it will most likely lead to some form of heartbreak for me, b/c thats what always happens
22:10:30 blackc2004: Not just for you, for both of us as well. And I mean, when you go to Cali, there’s going to be heartbreak anyways. We’re all so very close now, it’s going to be really hard for the two of us when you leave!
22:11:26 squall0112: i know, and it makes leaving now such an extrememly tough decision
22:12:38 blackc2004: I don’t really think there is a decision to be made. You’re going to cali. Even if we have to drive you there, and kick you out of the truck! We’ll be sad, but that’s what you’re ALWAYS talking about wanting to do!
22:13:46 squall0112: yeah i know i know… and ill go
22:13:49 squall0112: but im gonna cry a lot!
22:13:58 blackc2004: You won’t be the only one!
22:14:14 squall0112: aww are you gonna cry?
22:14:42 blackc2004: Probably.
22:14:43 blackc2004: lol
22:15:56 squall0112: aww
22:17:17 squall0112: anyways onto something more lighthearted
22:17:21 blackc2004: lol
22:17:22 squall0112: i read a book in a day! wow!
22:17:36 blackc2004: What book? The Three Pigs?
22:17:44 squall0112: candide
22:17:49 squall0112: it was only 87 pages
22:18:00 blackc2004: So it was practically the three pigs.