Oh God

4:57PM – oh god…

So last night I did a very bad thing.
Chris wanted tot alk and hang out, he had wanted to talk last weekend about the events that went on, but we never got a chance to be alone so it never happened.
Well, I went up to Ames last night. I spent the night there.
Chris let me read the private entry he had written about what happened. It detailed the night and talked about how he felt bad for me and wanted so badly for me to bein the middle so I wouldn’t feel so bad. It talked about how he was holding my hand….. he said that my hands were so soft and gentle, not like Adam’s at all. He also said that sometimes he feels for me more than he feels for Adam. I read it all and almost had tears in my house. He then told methat he wanted to tell me that he truly cares about me.
This escalated into a talk about my feelings and shit. I told him that I have really strong feelings for him. He said that the feeligs were reciprocated….
I asked if he felt anything when we kissed (thats anothr thing,he wrote about how intimate kissing is, and how when I came close to him it was like a magnet, and he couldn’t stop). He told me that when we kissed, it was heaven, and he couldn’t imagine anything better. I didn’t know what to say…. I was a bit overwhelmed. I never dreamed that the feelings would ever be returned.
He said that he’s had a really hard time lately b/c of his feelings for me, and has contemplated breaking up with Adam. He said that if I wasn’t going to Chapman, he would have a very very tough decision to make. I was reallly touched, but still felt bad…like here is this great guy, telling me how much he likes me, I’m telling him how much I like him, and yet nothing can happen.
He said that I was pretty much the only person he likes to hang out with one-on-one. He said he doesn’t even like Adam very much one on one and that he was happy I wanted to take the time to know him and realize that him and Adam were two seperate people. He said Adam is only holding on to their relationship by a thread.
We were holding hands again.
I told him all about how when we were looking at each other, I thought I saw that something in his eye, the *something* that said that he feltthe same way I did as we held hands after the whole ordeal. He told me that I didn’t see it just that one time, that I saw it everytime and that he felt exactly the way that I did.
I want to be with him so bad.
We kinda just curled up together, holding each other.

We kissed.
I’m almost tearing up as I write this…. I don’t know how it happened, I’m not even sure who made the first move. But we kissed.
He asked if Adam had sent me to see if he would cheat on him. I laughed…
And we kissed.
I hate it… I hate that I allowed myself to do this.. to me, to Chris, and to Adam. But I felt so *right* with Chris, I can’t explain it.
I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I felt a real connection with him and everytime I realized that I couldn’t actually have him, I would just hold him closer. I just didn’t want to let go.
We spent the entire night in each other’s arms. Rotating positions every now and then… it was so nice…. so very nice. I told him he was beautiful…. He is such a great guy.
How did I get myself into this predicament?
We also kept sporadically kissing during the night, but it wasn’t like with any sexual intent. I just loved it… it was sweet and sensual…. like there were actual feelings behind it, not just wanting sex. It was just so wonderful, so wonderful to kiss him, so wonderful to have him hold me, and so nice to hold him.
I thought for sure that he just didn’t want to do this… but he did…. he assure me.
I told him that I just needed to know if the feelings were reciprocated. He said that everything I felt, he felt.
It was such a great feeling tohave someone tell me that.
The next morning, it almost seemed like he immediately regretted everything. I don’t know, it was probably just me making stuff up.
When we said goodbye, he kissed me again…so sweet, so caring…*sigh*
At lunch, KT, Rach, and Court just wouldn’ shut up about how immoral I am, and how horribly wrong it is that Adam doesn’t know….
But it didn’t feel wrong at all to me.
It felt so right.
Nevertheless, they made me feel like shit.
Well, I have to go meet Chris at the mall….. just the two of us time again. Yay! But first I have to call and pay the rest of the balance on the cruise… so yay to that too I guess….

Gosh, I really do like him…… how did this happen….?
Current mood: crushed
Current music: tamia–theres a stranger in my house

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