Dec 3, 2000

well it’s dec 3rd. it’s 11:00 am i’ve been up since 7 this morning but didn’t

get out of bed tell 10 or so. there are like two people sleeping on the floor,

so i was like well they’ll be getting up soon but they didn’t so i just got

up and walked around them, they’re stll sleeping, along with my roomie, and

i think his gf is here too. arg. i hate when they do this. it’s like damn

it it’s my fucking room to,. well enough about that. the last two days have

been pretty good. i got to talk to danny alot, he’s spending time away from

his friends as he put it. sounds like a good idea to me. lol. found out some

pretty cool stuff, i guess he lived in Puerto Rico fro like 7 years before

mocing here, that’s pretty cool, and he’s looking at colleges out there in

PA. that’s sad, cause if i end up in SDSU i won’t be able to see him at all.

there’ld be no way i could drive out there but yeah he’s really sweet, i want

a damn pic of him though damn it. well i got caught up on my algerbra, i think

i’ve got a test on wed at like 7 or so, i don’t want to take it, but it’ll

help my grade (it’s not a required test, hehe). so yeah, these jerks are all

here in my room, and i have a really loud clacky kjeyborad, i hope it wakes

them up hehe, cause i type really hard and with an annoying random style,

it’s sounds pretty coo.. hehe. but other then that i can’t this oof anything

that’s been going on round here. been pretty good these last two days or so.

well i’m going to go off to lunch now, hopefully these dorks will be awak

by the time i get back. damn them, the fuckers. i want to listen to the radio

and i can’t cause they are all sleeping. o well. time for food………well

i stayed in the cyber cafe from about 11:30 tell 3:00 i was watching the webcam

of the room to see when they finally got up. so when they left i came back.,

my roomie is really rude, i can’t beleive that he would just show up with people, ARG. damn it, i can’t wait to get the hell out of this damn place.

I WANT TO GO TO SDSU. now. hehe, o yeah i was talking to danny last night

and he said that he might be going to cali for school to, that would be cool

if we ened up in the same state. yeah. he’s got a pretty cool history too,

he lived in puerto rico for like 7 yeras, that pretty cool. i love him so much, he’s perfect. everything i am looking for, he’s sweet, smart, loves

kids. he’s so great. but the thing is that we are complete opposites. he’s

Mr popular, jock boy. and well you know me. we’ve been talking alot this weekend.

i mean alot. he’s so nice. ok enough of my babbling. WOW three updates in

one day i must be damn bored. well i just got this e-mail from my aunt, i

told her in a round about way about everything. i don’t know if i said anything

about it before, but after the whole t-day excitment she wrote a sympathitic

letter to me, and i was like, well i guess she knows, now she’s just waiting

for me to confirm, so i did in a round about way. and today i got anouther

e-mail from her. here i’ll just copy and paste it:

First things first. No problem answering the e-mail. Was

just gone from Friday Morning to Today. Did not even check e mail before we

left. So am not mad or been trying to figure out what to say, just wasn’t

home. Sorry if that caused any undo stress. Is that the correct term? Trial

by fire? Well, it certainly does explain a lot of things about your family

and their reaction to everything!!!!!!!!!! Would be nice to be able to come

out and say it without having to worry about what reaction everyone is going

to have. I guess in that respect, everyone in the family should be more like

me!!!!!!!! That’s not something that I thought would ever be said by anyone

in this family, especially me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s just hope that everyone

is enlightened enough that they know that they can’t “change” you. Grandma

wanted to do that to Beckie when she found out that she was going to be left

handed. She kept putting her silverware on the right and making her change

hands. You know, you thought about this a lot more than me, cause when Beckie told me about the earring, I never thought about the left ear. right ear thing.

I guess I thought that was soooooooooo olllllllllllllddddddddddddddddd it

didn’t matter anymore. So the entire speech still stands. Like what you are

doing with your life, must have been a HELL of a childhood and you have some

difficult times ahead of you. You are on the right path, you think clearly

and know your own mind, so when it all comes out, keep your chin up and your

heart sheilded. I’m sure that there will be some dumb things said and done,

but they will come from Love. Believe it or not (even Dr. Phil said this on

Oprah the other day) Pain comes from Love. When you love someone and they

hurt you, they lash out in pain and frustration. That will be Grandma lashing

out, when she says dumb things like Oh no! or Chris this means no grandchildren.

etc etc. Just a thought, so what do you think of boy scouts now????????? Still

Love Ya, still like the haircut. Still think you are a studly young man. What’s

not to love???????/ Call / write anytime. On your side, no matter what. LOVE

YA Sheila

so yeah, i don’t really know what to do about that. I’ll give it some time

to plod around, i’ll get to it latter tonight, i guess. maybe after i talk

to d and kim. ok well that’s the end of my story, i’m going to go and do something,

i guess, i don’t know what. WOW a fourth update today. well i just got done

talking to danny, i love him. well we were talking about Big city life compared

to small stiy life. i was really happy when i was talking to him but now,

i’m just really depressed. i feel like i missed so much in living in a small

town all my life, i never really had any real friends like he does. and it

just really depresses me about how people in the big city have so much more,

they have bigger school, with more diversity, and more oppertunities. I feel

like i was deprived of my life. i want to move to a big city, now that i’m

in college. I’m in an even smaller city, and even farther from everything,

i don’t really like the poelpe here. i don’t get along with them, but when

like danny and i talk we just click, i think. i want to move to the big city.

the BIG city. i even sounds like a country boy. fuck this shit. i want to

go, go now. you don’t know how badly i want to just get in the car and drive

out there to see him. i so want to so badly. I’m so depressed, i think i need

some drugs. I think i might have social anxiety disorder too, huh, i think

i’ve said that before, haven’t i. well this has been one long ass update for

tonight, i think i’m done now. maybe, maybe not.

Dec 1, 2000

Well it’s Dec 1st, world aids day, did everyone wear thier red ribbon? well

so wierd things happened last night. i went to bed about 11 like normal, but

i just couldn’t get to sleep. everything that’s happened to me over the last

couple months was just racing through my mind. i think the thing that set

me off was to find out that matt has been dissin me. I’ve sent him four e-mails

and he hasn’t replied to a one. not a single one, and one of them was telling

him to have a happy holiday and that shit. you could at least repsond to that

and say thanks or something, but NO NOTHING. o well i deleted him off my buddies

list last night,and got rid of all the info from “GCCI” if that’s

even a real corp. i deleted everything, if he decides he wants to talk to

me fine, he can contact me. damn it i really liked talking to him and stuff.

he’s a nice guy to talk to. he’s got everything going for him, a rich uncle,

a bf, great student, a good job. i wish i could have had even one of those.

somepeople are just so lucky. he was a really sweet guy to talk to. but apperantly

he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. he’s made that quite clear. well back

to the original story, i laid there in bed for like 30 minutes just thinkging

about everything, my life, school, jobs, where i’m going in life, everyone

i talk to on the internet. everything. well i just couldn’t take it anymore

so i got up and went for a jog. i was out for an hour, it was snowing it was

soo nice, no one was out. it was a beuatiful night. well i got back here a

little after midnight and then went and took a nice HOT shower. then i came

back in and wrote danny a big old long huge e-mail. it had nothing that would

be of concern to him, but i needed to tell someone, and he was there. so i

did it. i’m kinda regretting it now. but hopefully he will be ok with it all.

then i finally went to bed about 3 this morning, but i didn’t get to sleep

tell sometime after 5 so i’m worling ona bout 3 hours of sleep, not good for

me, not good at all. we had classes as normal today, even though we have a

bout 3 inches of fresh snow on the ground, the local school’s were all canceled,

why can’t they cancel college? I’m really depressed these last couple days.

i think i need some drugs, wonder who i would talk to here on campus to get

some. huh, maybe i should find out.

Nov 30, 2000

well it’s Nov 30, so far i’ve kept my promise on keeping this

updated, so far. well today has been pretty hectic, and stuff. lets start

with this morning. well i’ve been putting together some stuff for world AIDS

day, tomorrow, and i hadn’t been able to find anybody with lots of brochures,

but this morning the red cross here in town called me and said they got some

in so that made my life easier. and then i went to math, o god i hate math.

our professor is sooooooo fucking stupid. we are supose to be on section 5.5

for the final, well we now have 6 class periods left and we are still on 3.5

we are never going to make it. and he keeps babbling about shit that we don’t

need to know, it royally pisses me off. and i haven’t done an assingment in

that class for like every, since 2.5 or so, so i have 10 assingments to catch

up on. and then i have three speeches to give on the same day Dec 13, that’s

going to suck, but thank god two of them should be pretty easy to get done

we are in groups so i can pawn most of the work off on the other group members,

but one of them hasn’t ever been to a meeting and it’s just me and him in

the group, so i think i will end up doing all the work there. o well. and

then i have to write a speech on the discrimination policies of the BSA. it

should be pretty easy but the professor is such a bitch there. i gave a DAMN

good speech last time and he gave me a “C” he said it need to be

more extemporaneous, DAMN IT, that bitch, i worked fucking hard on that and

everyone i’ve talked to said that i should have gotten an “A” on

it. fuck him, i hate teahers. and i have a BUT load of other shit to do. i

don’t know when i’ll get it all done. the roomie is having like a bunch of

people over this weekend, so i probobly won’t be able to concentrate here.

his gf is so fucking annoying at times she talks so fucking loud. but she’s

nice to talk to. o well. i’ll get it done some time. umm lets see what else

has been happening. well i talked to danny again today, i remember why i loved

him so much. i asked him why he started talking to me again after so long.

he said, “its i felt that you needed to not talk to me for a while”

i think it’s all kinda fishy yet, but i love him. and he knows it. everytime

he leaves i’m kinda depressed now. but when i talk to him i get kinda nervous

now, i start shaking really bad, like i’m cold but i’m not. i want to meet

him in person, or at least see a pic, can you believe that i haven’t even

seen a pic of him yet. o well i love him. well i missed talking to kim last

night. don’t know what was up, but i really needed to talk to her. maybe that’s

why i haven’t been updating this, i tell her all my problems, then i don’t

feel like i need to get it out, so i don’t bother with this. o well, i love

her she’s so nice. maybe i should stop bitching at her abot all my problems.

huh. i have this website due tomorow, i think i got it all working, this is

the last thing for it. you know i really hate that class, i could have taught

it. i don’t see why they wouldn’t let me CLEP out of it. the fuckers. it’s

such a waste of time, and damn M$ isn’t back wards compatible so i have to

go use a lab computer, i hate lab computers they never work right, either

the mouse is sticky or the keys are broken or somthing. but o well i get my

work done, i used to use staroffice for it all, but it can’t do some of the

stuff that the book makes us do on these PPT things. huh, there was something

i wanted to bitch about when i started but now i forgot. o well. that’s all

for now, maybe if i remember i’ll update again.

Nov 29, 2000

Well it’s Nov 29, been more then a month since i last updated this

page. ALOT has happened since then. this is going to be one mother fucker

of an update. Well lets see, maybe i should read back to see what was happening

a month ago, then i’ll start, hold on……………………….huh, well

alot really has happened since then. well we’ll start with danny, a couple

days after i wrote that i was talking to him and then he suddenly left and

a name he had told was one of his freinds got on, well i didn’t think anything

about it, but this “friend” IMed me and picked up the convo where

danny and i had left off, so i was like, you bitch, you lied to me, only i

didn’t say that. well it turned out he did lie to me, which wasn’t anything

big, but it was his reasoning behind the liie, “cause i like to”

he said, “cause it’s fun” he said, so after that i cut it off, i

know i loved him, and i still do, but i just cut it off. after a day or so

i REALLY missed him bad. i was so depressed. well it’s been a month now since

the last time we talked, and he just IMed me out of the blue. and we started

talking catching up then out of no where he asked me ifi still had feelings

for him. and of course since i do i said that i liked him as a close friend

yet. well then he said that he couldn’t get me out of his mind. and that he still liked me. so we talked for a bit that night, then last night he called

me out of no where, while we were online and he played his normal cute game

of him not talking, and all i did was play music for him over the phone for

like two hours. and we had a really nice convo. and then tonight i talked

to him for like 20 minutes, and i asked if what his middle name was, and he said he didn’t have one. how could you not have a middle name? but o well,

it’s cute. well lets see what else, o well i had a BLAST at my cousins, she’s

really cool about the whole gay thing, she bought books and has been reading

up on it, and she bought me a really cool book to. then we went out shopping

and stuff and got my hair colored and i pierced my right ear, hehe, the RIGHT

one. and then lets see, o yeah t-day was not that long ago. o god, well here,

i’ll just copy and paste some stuff. OK well i got home Wed. night about 7:30

(an hour ahead of schedule, i guess i was speeding a bit kmore then i realized)

and i walked in the door and went str8 for the kitchen (like always, it’s

a habit) and my mom was in there cooking pies for t-day. well she simply said,

“I see your cousin was a good influence” and that was that. Then i went over

and said hi to my dad, and all he waid was “What’s up Blondy” and then i went

over and spent the rest of the night cooking with my mom (tell about 11) then

thurs morning, i meet my dad in the hall way on the way to the shower, and

he FINALLY saw my ear ring, and said “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IN YOUR EAR.”

and i just walked away from him. and that was the end of that tell we went

to my aunts house (where t-day was this year, they moved it up here cause

of the funeral). Well i walked in the door and the first person i see is of

course my Grandma. and she says “CHRISTOPHER” and i could tell from the tone of her voice that she wasn’t happy, so i just kissed her and walked out the

door again. Then about ten minuts later i walked in again, and kissed her

again and said hi to everyone. and then my aunts and everyone (execpt grandma)

comented on how goo di looked and that they liked the hair, but the ear never

came up tell later. then i helped cook like i normally do, and then we had

a nice lunch. then after words everyone slpits up, the men go and watch the

football and the women all go and sit around the kitchen table and talk. well

i have ALWAYS joined the women, cause i don’t like football. so then my aunts

were talking about my ear, (one of them finally brought it up, my cousins

mom, shiela). and then my other aunt, asked which ear it was in. and i said

right (she was in a spot where she couldn’t see me and apperently hadn’t noticed,

janell). and then she said “well i thought left was right and right was wrong”

and i just kinda sat there and smiled. and then one of my asshole 2nd aunts

( a truck driver, pam) said, what were trying to say is are you a faggot.

and then instantly sheila perked up and said “only in this family would they

ask some so str8 out” then my grandma said “well i hope not” and then i sheila

changed the subject quite quickly, and it never came up again. and then i

talked to my cousin after wards, and she said it never came up again after

i left, but then today i got this e-mail from my aunt it really freaked me

out. but i think she’s put one and one together and she seems cool with it.

so other then that, alls going ok here, i still want the fucking hell out

of here, and all that shit, classes are tooo damn easy. i still don’t have

a job, but danny thinks i’m being more spontaneous. hehe, i think that’s good.

i’m still depressed, and really tired, but i’m not forgetting as much anymore.

well i think that’s all for now i’ve bitched enough. i’ll try to keep this

updated more, i guess.

Oct 26, 2000

well it’s oct 26 like 9 or so, i don’t know anymore what time

it is, I’ve been losing track of the dates and the time alot lately. i don’t

know what it is. well i dropped chem yesterday, that was a lot of fun, thank

god i’m out of that class. o but that means i have to take class where ever

i go next year, i hope danny and i keep up and end up somewhere close to each

other. i really love him, he’s so sweet. i forgot that halloween was coming

up wonder what i’ll do for it. hmmm. o well, i will probobly end up sitting

around on my lazy duff like any other day. hmmmm. damn people, they always

interupt me when i am trying to do my damn work. well i’ve been doing my schedules

for next semester and filling out college apps, yuck, god i want to get out

of here so fucking bad, i want out out i wan. ddamn it. this sucks so fucking

bad, everything is so damn easy. so damn easy, so far i am getting A’s in

evey class, except chem, but i dropped it. o well. well i hadn’t realized

it been so long since i last updated so i wll go back and recap a few things.

well i went to SF, after i talked to danny, i went to this club called jamz,

well i never made it in, i think i have social anxity, i drove around the

place for like a hour. but never actually made it in. i’m going to go see

my cousin on nov 9, we are going to go out then, i know it. i’m also thinking

of getting my ear pierced, probobly won’t but i’m thinking, i think too much.

that’s my problem, i need to be more spontaneous. well i had this feeling

that danny was ignoring me so i wrote him this big old long e-mail, i sent

it with out reading it again, not smart, he responded promptly the next morning,

i love him so much, i don’t know what had come over me when i worte that e-mail

it was really messed up, some how i went from talking about how i mised him

to the meaning of life and death, to religion, to him rating his sexual preference

on the kinsey was odd. i appoligized for it and send him a rose.

i really love him. well some one needs to get me some drugs, i’m so damn depressed

now, they say that by 2020 depression will be the number 2 killer. odd huh.

huh, when i started there was something else i wanted to babble about, but

i don’t remember it now, but that brings up another good point, my memory,

it’s been really bad lately, i can’t remember anything, i’m sleeping enough,

but it’s just that i can’t remember. i can’t remember crap. o well, i think

i have a really bad case of depreasion, my parents are starting to worry i

think. they called the other day. hey i don’t know if i babbled about this already or not, but i’m planning for next semester, american gov, econ, accounting,

bus aps, and some other thing but i forget it now. well i think that is enough

for now, cause i can’t remember what i was originally going to bitch about.

maybe i will remember by tomorrow.