Author: Cj B

We made it back from Vietnam without any more drama. We came back to the city on Wednesday. I had booked myself a room and Army said he wanted to come spend the night there with me. So we checked into the hotel, spent the evening walking aroudn the city and then went to bed. There was some hotel drama but that’s not important.

Thursday morning we got up and I went to the tour of the Mekong Delta. It was horrible. I was the only person on the whole tour and we really didn’t see very much. Boat ride, Taxi ride, some walking. Etc.

Got back to the city about 3pm and I had agreed to meet this guy at 6 for dinner. So I quickly found another hookup named Peter. He was fucking HOT and the sex was amazing (perhaps just cause I was SO HORNY) but either way we had a lot of fun. I had to kick him out at 5:30 though so that I could meet the other guy. He was not so cute and not so fun but we had dinner, a beer and then went back to the hotel and fucked him.

Army called me while I was at dinner with the second guy and I lied to him that I wasn’t back in the city yet. He was apparently downtown with the sister. I’m not sure if that’s true or not. I don’t see why he would have taken a taxi BACK to the house then BACK to downtown again. Doesn’t really make sense.

Army texted me a bit later saying he was throwing up, so I left the city to go back home and see how he was doing. I got home and he was sound asleep. I was chatting with Peter and he asked to hang out again. So I invited him over and we met and just walked around the little water front there by the house we were staying at. Had a really good chat.

Went back to the house and Army was awake and sounded a bit annoyed, we watched a movie and slept.

Friday we took the bus and went to this hat factory that his distant distant family owns and then went to get hair cuts. That night we took the family out to dinner. During dinner Peter was texting and apparently we were very close to him so he asked if we could hang out again. I said yes and told Army after dinner that I was gong to meet him. Army decided to stay downtown and have a Grindr date as well. He claims they just met as friends, but who knows.

Anyway Peter came and picked me up on his scooter and we went around the city. It was so fun to sit behind him on the scooter and hold him and kiss him and grab his cock while driving around. At one point we were on the scooter and he reached behind and unzipped my pants and had my cock out!! We ended up close to his house and at another little waterfront walk thing. This one was pretty empty so we found a little dark area and gave each other blow jobs. Form there we just sat on a bench and talked and made out more. We had bought a Durian and we fed that to each other. I left at midnight and went back home.

Saturday we got up early and went to the airport and flew home. Got back and just hung out and went to bed. Sunday we went to the Outlet malls, then arcade and then winchester mystery house. It was nice.

While we were at the outlet malls he was bitching about his cousin and something and i was was like “oh what are you planning” and he was VERY VAGUE about it. Finally he admitted he was planning a trip to Disney. WTF. I hate that he doesn’t at least keep me semi in the loop about his plans for this summer. I had a dream the other night that he left on June 20th then texted me a few days later saying he had decided to not come back. I told him about the dream and his response was “Well I can make that happen”.

I just need to be over him and move on. I have 4 dates planned for after he leaves. Plus now Peter is sort of in play.

Also I’m like 92% sure I’m going to Japan for Thanksgiving.

We spent the last few days in Vung Tao. It’s been ncie being at the beach and having a hotel room with nice AC, a real shower, a real toilet and some calm. No Kids running around.

I met this guy Phong on Tinder who’s a tour guide, so I talked to Army about it and he agreed to have him come give us a tour of the area. So on Monday he came out and we toured around. There really wasn’t much to see and we spent more time just hanging out talking, etc.

Phong was all over me for the whole day and Army was encouraging it. Pushing it along. At the jesus statue we made out a bit. From there we went back to the hotel and went to the pool. At first I kept trying to just push Phong away and keep Army involved but Phong kept coming over to me and grabbing my dick through my shorts, etc. We ended up just going around the pool holding each other and talking. Army got mad and I could sort of tell but I was so wrapped up in the attention.

Phong missed his bus back, so we went back to the hotel room and changed to go eat dinner. While I was in the shower he apparently molested Army. Which set things way down hill. I ended up paying for a room for Phong because I know how that made Army feel and I felt instantly bad for everything that happened that day.

We all went to dinner and it was super AWK and te food was horrible Phone ordered a lot of fish stuff which I hated but whatever. I really wasn’t hungry anyway.

After dinner we checked Phong into his room and I sat there chatting with him for a while and then went back to the room with Army. I really wanted to just hold him that night and tell him but I know he’s sick of hearing about it.

We just went to bed. The next morning Army and I went to breakfast and Phong txted me as we were just sitting down. He showed up and Army was instantly pissed off again. I honestly didn’t realize having phong around for breakfast would be such a problem for him. I offered to let him just go back to the room and I would get rid of Phong but he wanted to stay. So we all sat there in pretty much silence.

Army left after a while and Phong and I sat and talked a bit. He has an interesting history but Army and I figured out his deal. He does this where he “misses” his buss and then has to stay longer, get a free hotel room, etc.

Anyway went back to the room and Army let me have it. I totally understood where he was coming from but was also a bit shocked because of how he was encouraging it the day before. I’m still honestly not sure what set him off at breakfast.. but I get where and why he was mad the night before. I apologized to him and I thought we would move on.

Phong left and Army and I went about our day. We went out to get lunch and it started POURING rain we ate and then went back to the hotel and watched a movie. After the movie we went and to exchange money which is where everything went WAY down hill.

The exchange came out with a $10,000 difference and I just took the 10k, which is equal to $0.25USD. I didn’t think it would be a big deal but he got pissed. We took a taxi to Ho May park and then decided not to go. As we were there I asked him what was wrong and he just BLEW UP at me, his army voice acme out and he was screaming at me. I got back into his face and basically told him to fuck off and don’t talk to me like that. We separated ways after walking a mile. He sat at the pier thing and I walked around for over an hour.

During that time I booked myself my own hotel room in Ho Chi Mihn city. I might just go check into it today and leave it empty just incase. I’ve already paid for it. So why not.

Eventually I went back to him and asked if he was ready to talk or if he was just going to keep screaming at me. We talked. He talked a lot, about life, about his family. He cried. I cried a bit. I feel so bad for him when he tells me these things. I just want to protect him and show him how good I can be to him. How much I love him.

It’s things like that that make me so sad we can’t be together. We could be happy together, do so much together. Go so many places and achieve so much. If only the ages were closer, if only I weren’t so needy for him.

We went and walked to get Bahn Mi and then back to the hotel. Watched another movie and then went to bed.

I downloaded grindr again and of course he was on there. That made me so sad. He’s got a guy right here who treats him so well, cares about him so much and he doesn’t give a shit. I get it but I also don’t get it.

Last night I just wanted to cuddle him so badly. I basically just kept my hand on his back all night. I hope that it makes him feel comfortable and not awk at night.

This whole situation is really making me understand the Jason/Me relationship as well. We’re almost the same. I mean I ‘ve known forever that Jason has strong feeling for me, but I just cannot be in a relationships with him. So Iknow the same feeling that Army has. You care about someone a lot, but you don’t want a relationship. It’s so tough.

I wish we could just have a summer fling, summer relationship, summer love. And move on.

Honestly. I’m not sure if I want him to come back after June 20th. I want him too because I want to be around him and I want to have that summer with him but I also don’t because I need to move on and I need to focus on myself. On my relationships with other people.

Kevin and I talked the other day and he also doesn’t want a relationship. Rich is very interested in me, but I duno if I’m that into him. We have a full day date when I return, I’ve planed a little road trip to see how it goes. I’ve been chating with thig guy Justin but h’s in fucking Phoenix and he’s only 23 again. He’s nice but I just don’t know if anything could even happen there.

We shall see what happens.

So we’ve been in Vietnma for a week now. It’s been a fun trip. We flew here First class which was nice but also a bit annoying. The comforts were great and I got a pretty nice sleep but I hated that we couldn’t talk. When dinner time came around they asked Army if we should eat together and I was surprised he said yes. That was nice. So he came over to my little suite thing.

Got to Vietnam and his Aunt and Uncle and these kids picked us up. Went back to the house which is ok. The accommodations are not that great but they aren’t horrible either. They have been nice. We ate dinner here that night and then we just exchanged money and walked around a bit.

Pretty much the whole trip has been short shopping trips with a few sight seeing things. We did the whole list of city sight seeing in one day. We really have no way to get out of the city which is frustrating. Army had told me they had a car to get us around but that’s not the case at all. This whole “plan it by ear” thing is NOT working out. We have wasted so much time sitting around, watching movies etc.

We have spent so much time together over the past week that I am liking him more and more but nothing ever happens. He is so cold. I still don’t know how I got myself into this situation.

I’m not really sure how much more I want to write about this. It’s been said and done over and over. The whole army thing has ruined two potential relationships. I just need to move the fuck on.

His summer plans keep changing too. Now he says he is leaving July 18th. I’m 100% sure that when he leaves that will be the last I will see of him. I have to get him out of my life otherwise this will continue to cause issues and not allow me to move on to someone else.

Kevin and I talked today too. He doesn’t want a relationship. No one wants me.

I’m just over this BS.

What’s wrong with me. Why don’t you like me? I can treat you so well.

This past weekend was amazing. Saturday I headed out to SF and met up with Darin, we put together his stuff at his house, walked around the city a bit, checked into the hotel. Got dinner. Then Daring was tired so I walked him home. I had a quick date after that, the guy was nice but laughed a lot and was super AWK. I asked him back to my hotel to watch a movie which we did (Snatched) but he like sat on the far end of the bed while watching it.

Picked up Army at 1am and we had a bit of a tiff right away. He mentioned how much cash he was bringing and I said “I have $2k, you think that’s enough” he replied “well that’s your judgement”. I got a bit annoyed with him but _I_ at least talked it out and I think he understood where I was coming from. He semi-appologized for it on Monday morning.

Sunday we slept in a bit late, got up and went to Carnival. Walked around there but it was sort of boring and then went to lunch. Ate at a nice little place and walked to Dolores park, sat and talked then from there we went to Q Bar and had some drinks. We had an interesting talk there about him, sex, relationships. Basically he was just asking me for advice about stuff. I dunno if he accepted it or what. Again we had a good chat there. He got picked up by two guys who wanted him to go to the bathroom to eat his ass out.

WTF. No one ever picks me up.

From there we went back to hotel, changed and went to the dinner cruise. That again was a lot of fun, we chatted we laughed, we took pictures on the deck with the city. I mean considering we were there for 3 hours and we chatted the whole time, laughed. I don’t get how he can say “no connection”.

Back to hotel again, changed into going out clothes. Kevin (FOB Vietnam) was supposed to meet us at the hotel but said he was running late, so we agreed to just meet at some bar. Apparently his EX-bf was going there to meet a grindr date. So we met him and his Ex. While we were just hanging out there Kevin was on one side of me, Army on the other side and they were’t talking. Kevin just stood there with his arms crossed. It was going to be a bad night.

We walked from there to some other bar in the Castro. Kevin said he was hungry so he went to get pizza while Army and I went into the bar. We both had one drink and decided the bar sucked so we left. Kevin had JUST paid his cover. 🙁 He was angry.

Went to another bar, I paid for all our entry and then Army paid for our first round of drinks. Kevin stood at the bar and Army and I went dancing. Kevin left.

Army and I danced the night away. Drinking, laughing, having an amazing time together. We went to a third bar, danced some more. Army started cackling with this random asian guy and then dancing with some girl. He kept trying to get me to dance with this latin guy that I just wasn’t into. We left at bar close and ubered back to the hotel.

We got there and got into bed. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to cuddle. He held my hand. This is exactly what I want. I want him to show some affection. I had to puke, got up. By the time I got back he was laying there sleeping, cold as ice as usual.

Monday we woke up and surprisingly had a very slight hang over. I was expecting it to be much worse. Walked to breakfast and then left the city. Back home after picking up my trailer. We went grocery shopping together, cooked dinner together. IT was super nice too because when I was cooking he actually came over from the couch and sat and talked with me.

This is exactly what I want. I want a bf like this, (just show me some more affection!!) Someone I can go to the city with. Hang out at home with, cook with. Watch movies with. We both seem to enjoy the same types of shows, we both enjoy the same music (besides his random ghetto shit). We talked about his dick which was sort of funny. Talked about him topping vs bttm. He said he only likes to top small guys and has only topped twice in his life.

Last night we even made spring rolls together, just hanging out making them around the table. It’s so cute and so perfect. Why doesn’t he like me.

Who else would treat him the way I do, treat him so nicely, give him so much attention care about him so much. I mean I’m sure there are other fish. But what’s so wrong with me. WHAT DOES “NO CONNECTION” fucking mean. How can you have no connection when we had such an amazing weekend like we just did.

I have to just make it through this summer. I have to cut him off at the end of it. Say goodbye and be done. I cannot do this. I can’t handle this rollercoaster. I cannot go from having feelings about him to being just friends. Having weekends like this with him makes it even harder.

The one BIG issue we had this weekend is that apparently he has invited his best friend to come visit for the week of June 25-July 1. Which really pissed me off that he invited her without asking me. When I confronted him about it he said “Well maybe we’ll just get a hotel in the city then”. WTF. Ugh.

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

I have my first online therapy appt tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it and I’m going to really try to and talk just about how I can survive the next 3 weeks with him and not go completely crazy.

I want to email Wings and just say something to him. But I have no idea what to say.

The last two days have been a fucking roller coaster. I cancelled everything for Army this weekend then last night I was looking through my CC bill and saw a charge for $515 from Holiday Inn. I called them and they were like “The room was non-refundable”. So they billed me the FULL AMOUNT to cancel! I asked them to re-instate the room so now I have to go spend the weekend in SF with Army. I’m just hoping I don’t show up and they bill me AGAIN!!!

I also txted Calvin, “If you ever get married, please invite me to the wedding” which let to a converstaion and then this today:

“Just a lot happening, Been courting this guy for like 2 years and it’s been very complicated and on again off again… His “love language” (remember that book 😛) is gifts, so I’ve spent a lot of money on him. This week we finally had a serious talk and he says he has no interest in me. But now we have to go to vietnam together and I’ve already agreed to let him live with me for this summer. SO it’s gonna be super awk/annoying to have him around. I feel like he’s just been using me for the past two years to get what he wants. Plus other stuff, I regret us breaking up still and it hurts me a lot that you are dating will, TBH. That’s the equivalent me going off and dating hut after we broke up. BUUT. I want you to be happy too and hopefully he is doing that for you and that’s why I said the thing about you getting married cause I want to be there for you if something like that happens for you.”

He replied but completely skipped over the part about him and will, etc.

Today I’ve just been so out of it and we’re having a major issue at work.. I wrote a long letter to Army to send to him tomorrow morning. I hope he will read it.

Army,
I hope you’re well and have had a great week back in Iowa with your friends and family. I’m excited to see you tonight (Saturday) and I hope that we can be friends and have a great summer. As you know, I care about you a lot and I want to see you succeed in life and be happy. I want to be here to help you and offer whatever guidance I can over this summer. As I said though, this is going to be very difficult for me, so please be patient with me this summer and let’s try to keep an open and honest communication dialog. If you need space, please speak up and let me know. If i need space, I’ll let you know. Going quiet or getting angry at each other is not going to be healthy. I know you said you like to “just sleep it off”, but in the long term that doesn’t help, you will build up resentment and anger and it will explode at some point.

I want this summer to be amazing for the both of us, I know you said you just need to get away from Iowa and I want to provide a safe place for you to explore and get your feet on the ground in this critical time in your life. I hope that you and I can share some great experience this summer and share some great memories, as I said I have a lot of stuff I wanted to do with you this summer. I know now that nothing will happen between us and I accept that. But I want to look back on this summer and say, “Randy’s a great guy and I had an amazing time getting to know him and sharing my summer with him”. I want our trip to Vietnam to be a lifetime experience and I’m so excited to be going with you.

With that said, I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page. I’m not going to pay for everything this summer, I’m not going to be your sugar daddy or treat you like I’m courting you or dating you. I’ll gladly pay for things here and there and I hope you’ll appreciate it. But in the overall sense, I’m going to treat you as my “friend”.

Lastly, I found some interesting articles about the attachment styles that we talked about. I honestly do think that you (and I) will learn a lot from them. I’ve been trying to change myself in this sense for a couple months now and I have a long way to go. I hope that you’ll read these and maybe learn something, it shouldn’t take more then an hour to read all of them. With you going to therapy, I hope you’re open to these ideas. If not, please just ignore them.

See you tonight and let’s have an amazing summer together…

(I put them in order)

The Fearful/Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style

http://the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-dismissive-attachment-style/ (this is the one you tested as)

Understanding the Needs of the Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style

The Difference Between Having a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style and Being Fearful of Relationships

5 Common Thought Traps Faced by the Avoidant Attachment Style

Getting Off the Roller-Coaster: Breaking Out of the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

Last one is me, I’m sending this to you because even in “friendship” some of these things apply and I hope that it will help us be better this summer and not want to kill each other:
http://the-love-compass.com/2014/02/22/understanding-the-needs-of-the-anxiouspreoccupied-attachment-style/